hummm_mabbe Posted November 26, 2009 Report Share Posted November 26, 2009 Hi Had a little waffle about this in chat earlier, but felt like I needed more ... plus its nice to wake up to some replies and things tomorrow morning I guess I remember there was roughly a time when I stopped crying, and couldnt cry anymore. It seems it was up to about 2 or 3, and then after that I couldnt. My grandad died, and I didnt cry. Later on when my parents got divorced, I didnt cry. Im trying to remember what triggered that off, what sealed up my sadness. I have always been able to feel anger, and fighting against bad feelings, but sadness - no. When I start to feel sad in therapy, I bung it up. Most of the time I just dont feel it. I feel like if I cry in front of someone, something bad will happen. I THINK its the way my mum would react if I cried over something she had done - for example, if she was being very invalidating, and my anger peaked at like a hysteria and then I cried, it would be "Youre hysterical! Look at you, its ridiclous. I havent brought you up to behave like this. Youre making yourself ill!". I guess when I feel am about to cry in therapy, thats what I feel my T will do - act embarrassed, shocked and dismissive. Like even if she doesnt express it, inside she will be thinking "oh my god, hes getting a bit hysterical over this". I dunno if that generalises to not being able to feel sadness too - i mean, I know its there because sometimes random things trigger it and I am in floods ... but then I go back to being constipated again. I want an emotional laxative! I know, it will come when its ready and all that ... its just that I feel that this is the crux of where I currently am, that this is a MASSIVE chunk of the puzzle that needs to emotionally fall into place. Its frustrating that I cannot feel it when I want to, and I dont know whats going to free it up ... *sigh* Really just wanted to get the frustration out on screen .. EDIT: I guess I mean, crying in relation to things directly attached to me and my past, as opposed to crying at the TV or movies - I can do that easy ... Ross Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted November 26, 2009 Report Share Posted November 26, 2009 its ridiclous. I havent brought you up to behave like this. Youre making yourself ill omg did they all work from the same script???? now i am wracking my brains dreading i may have said it to my kids i am sorry u feel like this its a vile situation i have same prob with anger have never been angry with a T (apart from the time i got told it was over last year) even the vague hint of it is instantly dismissed and swallowed up in my brain - no no no, no way, totally unacceptable - bad, not nice, too much, wrong, etc etc - 'u will let urself down, t, u have so much going for u, u dont need to shout and swear and get angry' aaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh unlike u hiding your tears i dont seem to have succeeded in concealing my anger, just in most places, at most times i suppose but sadly my kids have seen it lots but nothing compared to the rage inside oh dear not very supportive post sorry lost in head xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dxb Posted November 27, 2009 Report Share Posted November 27, 2009 Hi I am so very confused. I am getting advice from a therapist (of sorts, complicated) and then I read what people are saying on this forum and it is all so very confusing. I am a mom trying to understand. I have never invalidated my daughter, actually the opposite. I was always telling her how wonderful, funny, beautiful, smart, independent, empatethic, gracefull, talented and special she is and yet in her lowest moment, she turned on me????? I read about how people were mistreated, not understood, not allowed to feel etc etc and wonder what in fact I did wrong? My daughter wont open up to me about her depresion yet she seems to blame me. Yes I stayed with her dad and he was and still is a cold, unfeeling person, but I tried my best to make sure that she was ok. I always sent her little cards, telling her how special she is and always listened to what she had to say. I was always there for her and was her soft place to land. I held her hands when she cried over broken relationships, I took her to spa's to cheer her up. I listened while she vented about the world and yet, I am at fault??????? How can this be??????? This therapist seems to think my daughter blames me for lots of stuff in her life. What exactly is this stuff?????? How do I deal with it if nobody will tell me what it is......... Have never been for therapy before and am finding it difficult to see how this actually helps. Can nobody just tell it like it is????? Why do we have to go over so many issues and avoid what is really in front of us?????????? Do I now just give my daughter the space she thinks she needs. Do I sit here 12,000 kms away and just hope that she is ok. Do I jump every time the phone rings at night and just pray that nothing happens to her. Do I keep beating my head against the wall and tell her over and over how much I love her, how I am there for her, how I am here to listen and never judge when she is ready. Will she ever be ready. Have I lost her/????/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
just.me Posted November 27, 2009 Report Share Posted November 27, 2009 In order to get to the bottom of why people are and feel the way they do, you need to talk about it. Things begin at point A and take us further up the alphabet. In order for a therapist to get a better understanding and break down the things that need to be addressed, she has to start at point A. Starting on where she is now would not help her at all. Whilst you may have seen things one way, your daughter clearly saw them another, she may feel that you weren't strong by staying with someone you clearly do not like let alone love. That would cause her in the long run problems as she got older in her own personal relationships. Theoretically we are our parents, or we are how we were bought up. Whilst we always feel we did our best, it is not what we do for our children, it is how they see us as they grow. I hope to god, that the way in which I have behaved in relationships does not cause my children any problems later on, but they appear well adjusted, and I keep my fingers crossed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted November 27, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 27, 2009 dxb I wrote this thread to seek support. I am sorry that you are unable to resolve your problems with your daughter, but please do not use my thread as a platform to seek validation for your own parenting approaches. I am not your child, you are not my mother. Its a shame that my words about ,y own mother have made you feel guilty over your actions with your child, but it makes me extremely angry that you have tried to hijack my own need for support in pursuit of your own reassurance. If you need support and guidance, make another thread. If you dont feel able to read what I write because of how guilty or upset it makes you feel, then I suggest you dont read my threads as many of them are like this. I am not going to invalidate my own feelings just in case I say something that sparks your own feelings about your daughter, because my threads are not all about your needs, they are about mine. Walker I feel the same way about what you said too - my threads are not an invitation for you to pillory yourself over what you may or may not have said to your kids. If you are worried that your actions have upset them - ASK THEM. It may be that you are too afraid of the reply you may get, and its easier to voice your worries in my thread. That is rather unfair, because it means I have to bung up my own feelings as a result of feeling guilty just so you can feel better - something I am already far too used to doing with other people. If this seems like a sudden ouburst, its because its something that has been bothering me for quite some time, and really this was the last straw. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted November 27, 2009 Report Share Posted November 27, 2009 f\8ck it wont bother speaking again Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bibiddi Posted November 27, 2009 Report Share Posted November 27, 2009 Hummm I know I'm rubbish at helping. But I just wanted to say I understand. I'm a great believer in baby steps. I'd look for the steps between not crying infront of your T and crying. When you cry over a movie or song, is there a theme as to what triggers it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted November 27, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 27, 2009 Hummm I know I'm rubbish at helping. But I just wanted to say I understand. I'm a great believer in baby steps. I'd look for the steps between not crying infront of your T and crying. When you cry over a movie or song, is there a theme as to what triggers it? Hi Bibiddi Yes I guess so, themes of loss and abandonment and of being alone / without support in life. Also stuff about hopelessness and new hope and stuff. There are sometimes moments when I feel it directly in relation to me, but its very rare. It will be something like seeing a child looking happy and surrounded by his / her happy family, and it will be like looking into a movie poster - something that doesnt exist but yet there it is, if that makes sense. With my T I just expect her to be embarrassed and inwardly critical, sort of patronising of my tears. I think there is a bit of a barrier too because of something that happened a while back in therapy. I remembered a book I had read when little, about feeling lonely. It was all big print and pictures, like for 4 year olds. I bought a copy off amazon, and it brought a lot back. When I was talking about it in T, I siddenly felt tears choke me up but I automatically fought it and tried to pretend everything was fine and ignore it, and I felt like my T got angry at me for doing that. I felt like she was being punsitive of my reaction to my tears, and I suddenly felt scared of her. After that it became very hard to cry in front of her. I have told her about it, and she said she didnt feel angry at all, but I felt like thats what I saw. I know, transference and all that, it just felt like her tone changed - like she wasnt prepared to allow me not to be able to cry. So now I feel like I 'must' cry - and so all I get is a blank wall. Having said that, its still almost impossible to get through to that "sad part of me in relation to me" regularly even outside of therapy. Films and music seem to attach to broad themes, but its hard to make it really about 'me' - all i can feel is blankness or anger or a sense of guilt, like someone is punishing me. Ross Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
just.me Posted November 27, 2009 Report Share Posted November 27, 2009 dxbI wrote this thread to seek support. I am sorry that you are unable to resolve your problems with your daughter, but please do not use my thread as a platform to seek validation for your own parenting approaches. I am not your child, you are not my mother. Its a shame that my words about ,y own mother have made you feel guilty over your actions with your child, but it makes me extremely angry that you have tried to hijack my own need for support in pursuit of your own reassurance.If you need support and guidance, make another thread. If you dont feel able to read what I write because of how guilty or upset it makes you feel, then I suggest you dont read my threads as many of them are like this. I am not going to invalidate my own feelings just in case I say something that sparks your own feelings about your daughter, because my threads are not all about your needs, they are about mine.Walker I feel the same way about what you said too - my threads are not an invitation for you to pillory yourself over what you may or may not have said to your kids. If you are worried that your actions have upset them - ASK THEM. It may be that you are too afraid of the reply you may get, and its easier to voice your worries in my thread. That is rather unfair, because it means I have to bung up my own feelings as a result of feeling guilty just so you can feel better - something I am already far too used to doing with other people. If this seems like a sudden ouburst, its because its something that has been bothering me for quite some time, and really this was the last straw. I understand you are in pain, but when people read threads it makes them think about their own feelings, the things they are going through, so because it is akin to what you write, they post on your thread. I really do not believe they were trying hijack your thread in any way. They feel an afinity with you, and because of that they posted. There really is no need to be so vehement in your response to them, take a deep breath and take a step back before responding, it sometimes gives you a different perspective. No one is trying to say they hurt more than you, or that because they have problems theirs should come before yours. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted November 27, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 27, 2009 Sioux I wouldnt enter a thread entitled "My boyfriend is abusing me" and seek reassurnace over whether or not my past actions with an ex girlfriend were the same as the boyfriend of the user in question - I would have empathy for what the person was saying, that she feels abused by her boyfriend. If I start seeking support and absolution from her about my own actions towards some other girlfriend, then I am focusing on my own feelings to the detriment of the poster. Its unfair, and it may well make the poster doubt the validity of her feelings. Inside her mind she would be fighting the battle with her boyfriend, and now in the forum she has someone making her question her belief in her feelings. That is exactly how I feel here, and its easy for you to calmly tell me what I should be feeling. Its a pretty invalidating response to be honest. Perhaps it would be better if you were to ask people exactly why they are feeling angry before presuming you know what to tell them? I thought there was a policy of letting people here sort out their own conflicts? If so Im surprised that you feel you must intervene so soon here. I havent insulted anyone, ive drawn a boundary. Perhaps it reads angrily - that may be because I was. I want to make it clear - because its happened a lot in the past and I have always been tolerant and kept my feelings in - that if I trigger maternal feelings of guilt, that I am not able to support people for that in the same thread where I am personally needing support. I cannot see them identifying with my mothers behaviour as "having an ffinity with me". Its more like they are having an affinity with my mother. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
just.me Posted November 27, 2009 Report Share Posted November 27, 2009 I was trying to diffuse the situation, and if I came across as not doing that then I am real sorry. Sometimes people don't realise that it would be best for them to post their own thread, I guess she read yours and it caused her to feel the way she did, and without a thought just posted. We do that lot when we are down and seeking advice, we don't think. We just do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Villan Posted November 27, 2009 Report Share Posted November 27, 2009 some of this stuff from childhood is way too hard for me, cos is hard to talk about AND cos i dont remember alot of the things that happened, just the outcomes... just wanted basically to say - I UNDERSTAND... ((((((rossy)))))) Kath xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted November 27, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 27, 2009 Hi chit Yes know what you mean, I guess thats part of why I posted, just trying to find some way of getting clarity or some access to feeling. Like if I talk it out, maybe something will shake loose. Sounds like you are having a very similar experience just now ... :unsure: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted November 27, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 27, 2009 I was trying to diffuse the situation, and if I came across as not doing that then I am real sorry. Sometimes people don't realise that it would be best for them to post their own thread, I guess she read yours and it caused her to feel the way she did, and without a thought just posted. We do that lot when we are down and seeking advice, we don't think. We just do. I do regret the critical tone of my response, as I say it was something that has niggled at me a number of times in the past and so its all just suddenly come out in this one thread, and so the reaction had more anger to it than was necessary. Walker - I do appreciate that it was only the first line of your post that made me feel that way, you were trying to be supportive in the rest of it, which was nice. Dxb - I know you are struggling at the moment, and I do sympathise. Perhaps it would have been better if I had just stated my feelings in a less angry tone, which I now regret. Nonetheless I do feel quite strongly that the boundary I drew in regard to my own threads was one that is important to me and hope you will respect. Ross Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Villan Posted November 27, 2009 Report Share Posted November 27, 2009 the crying at other people - like the tv etc can also mean that you can cry for others but you arent able to cry for yourself - could kinda be a low self esteemy thing... dunno - just summat that came up in t for me... may not apply to you... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted November 27, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 27, 2009 the crying at other people - like the tv etc can also mean that you can cry for others but you arent able to cry for yourself - could kinda be a low self esteemy thing... dunno - just summat that came up in t for me... may not apply to you... Its the "my fault, im bad, i dont deserve it" thing, so yus self esteemy lol, plus the fear of disdain or shaming from the person. A lot lately is the breakthrough of that critical voice recently, that one that makes me feel so relaxed and calm but depressed. Letting it in makes me feel calm, because it feels like the 'truth', but it also leaves me feeling numb. It cant be fought though - I feel like I just have to keep letting it be, and hope that the acceptance of it, despite its implacably critical outlook, might mellow it. Or help me to tolerate the sensation of being criticised and things. Not sure .. doesnt help I dont have therapy for over a month ... Ross Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starryeyesee Posted November 27, 2009 Report Share Posted November 27, 2009 hi ross its funny (not haha) to read your post as i'm going through exactly the same thing. i have a new T since a few months who i see weekly. today we were talking about why i'm in france and how i seem to have suspended my life and relationships becauase i fled england not just left. i felt the tears welling when she said this and got home and cried for the first time in a long time. in fact i'm finding it hard to stop. if i had cried in front of her i think the reaction would have been as you described- a shocked embarrasing moment because of the sort of person i see her as. just wanted to let you know i understand and maybe you will reach a point where the tears flow and you won't be worried about the reaction love starry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted November 27, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 27, 2009 hi ross its funny (not haha) to read your post as i'm going through exactly the same thing. i have a new T since a few months who i see weekly. today we were talking about why i'm in france and how i seem to have suspended my life and relationships becauase i fled england not just left. i felt the tears welling when she said this and got home and cried for the first time in a long time. in fact i'm finding it hard to stop. if i had cried in front of her i think the reaction would have been as you described- a shocked embarrasing moment because of the sort of person i see her as. just wanted to let you know i understand and maybe you will reach a point where the tears flow and you won't be worried about the reaction love starry Hi Starry Yes its that moment when something sort of goes 'pop' inside, ad you know its all about to bust forth in a torrent. Im glad you could have a good snuffle at home! I dont know what happens with me - its like I will feel it for a moment, even when its with music, and then its like *bang* just a wall of nothing - numb, as if I was never ever sad, or any other emotion for that matter. In front of T its like my body fights it physically, I tense up my stomach, I hold my breath and it feels like my head will explode. Mabbe I should start with not tensing up, just try to stay relaxed ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dxb Posted November 27, 2009 Report Share Posted November 27, 2009 I was trying to diffuse the situation, and if I came across as not doing that then I am real sorry. Sometimes people don't realise that it would be best for them to post their own thread, I guess she read yours and it caused her to feel the way she did, and without a thought just posted. We do that lot when we are down and seeking advice, we don't think. We just do. I do regret the critical tone of my response, as I say it was something that has niggled at me a number of times in the past and so its all just suddenly come out in this one thread, and so the reaction had more anger to it than was necessary. Walker - I do appreciate that it was only the first line of your post that made me feel that way, you were trying to be supportive in the rest of it, which was nice. Dxb - I know you are struggling at the moment, and I do sympathise. Perhaps it would have been better if I had just stated my feelings in a less angry tone, which I now regret. Nonetheless I do feel quite strongly that the boundary I drew in regard to my own threads was one that is important to me and hope you will respect. Ross So sorry. I don't know the rules. I apologise unreservedly and will NEVER do this again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted November 27, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 27, 2009 Hi Dxb You didnt break a rule, it was just a personal boundary - but I did over-express it and I regret that. The real depth of the anger comes from my own mum, and my own life and I misplaced that here onto you and walker. I should have been a little more understanding in saying what I needed, so Im sorry for that to both of you. Ross Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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