Draggin Myself Down

[lvlariale]

i can be in a complete extreme control over my appearance, health, like controlling every single thing i put in my mouth to daily work outs.

YET, with this i have rules and i dont allow myself so many things.

And sinc ei prohibited almost everything such as sweet, candies, fat foods, going out with people etc. I decided to let myself go and let it loose but when i did that, if i do that.. then i lose all control its either i have an extreme control or i lose it all.

So i dont look at all to what i used tobe like.

it's like a complete different person. and it happens a lot.

either im this or im that. i cant be both.i dont know.

I am addicted to food because it gives me comfort and i enjoy the whole happy feeling i get. which i can hardly get. Sinc ei cant really have interpersonal relationships neither romantic relationships so it's just a sad thing. Even tho, im at a point where i really dont care i do care. I can look my best but what for? i wasnt happy when i was all fit. if im fat its the same feeling although i am happier since i get allthe sugar and what not.

So, i know i can get back in shape, and leave the food addiction behind, but even its hard and all. I dont have motivation to go thru the day. bcuz nothing but food satisfies me.

It just wrong. thank god im on abreakl. otherwise i'd have probably droppedschool. cuz its embarrassing when people see you have gained weight.. i avoid people seeing me when i gain so much weight. i have enough with my family,which its pretty obvious theyre concerned about my weight. but ive had this happenning soo many times that i have lost all the care for it. I hardly cre if they like me fat, or fit.. or whatveer.

i just dont care.

[racyvanillapixi]

Its weird isnt it do you find that either way you are your not happy within yourself? Im so glad my school days are over wouldnt want to relive them again for all the money in the world! So what year are you in? Lol i got through it with fuck all friends (I lost alot through my erratic behaviour and eating disorders and self harm)And im still here :)