Lauren Posted March 27, 2005 Report Share Posted March 27, 2005 For a few reasons: * I take so much at different times that I know longer know what works, what doesnt, and what makes things worse. * I feel like im missing out on a huge part of life due to being so medicated all of the time. If I take them as I should I am in a permanent sedated state. * All the meds I take will not help me with applying to universitys. It makes me sound like a right fruit loop. *I forget/omit to take doses so often that prehaps its better not to take them at all,than to take them so randomly. *The zyprexa has made me gain loads of weight and still after months and months on it wipes me out. * The meds irritate the hell out of my IBS meaning that at somepoint most days im in a considerable amount of pain. *I feel the need to know if I can actually function without meds, or if I am destined to spend a life time on them as my psyc seems to think. *I was due to also add lamitical to the mix on thursday but I was so tired that I missed my appointment. But im really scared of the potential side effects of this med. *MY BLOOD MUST BE SOOOOO TOXIC, IT FREAKS ME THE HELL OUT!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katherine Posted March 27, 2005 Report Share Posted March 27, 2005 ((((((((extinct)))))))) could you tell your doc what helps you the most and help you work out a plan? just don't try stopping anything suddenly on your own.... as for your blood, some meds don't stay in the system forever, but I'm no expert:) hugs, karie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyMacbeth Posted March 27, 2005 Report Share Posted March 27, 2005 Hi ex. I agree with Karie that you should talk to your doc about a plan. I remember you saying something about experiencing psychosis in one post and that may harm you to go off of them. Why would this harm your chance of appplying to Uni? They don't have to know you are on meds? Maybe your doc can reduce your dosage or take you off some of those meds. You do whats best for you babe and what makes you feel better. Em :wub: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lauren Posted March 27, 2005 Author Report Share Posted March 27, 2005 See right now I SHOULD be taking: cipralex 20mgs a day zispin (forget the dose at night) diazepam 4mgs three times a day zyprexa 2x 10 mgs a day lamictalx 25mgs a day So theres two anti depressents, a benzo, an anti psychotic and a mood stabiliser. The mood stabiliser also helps with depression so thats three anti depressents. Three kinda takes the piss and isnt of any benefit that I can see. The diazepam is usefull in emergencys but not something i feel anyone should be taking every day. It was added to help me stop drinking but whilest im still drinking its kind of pointless and just adding yet one more potential addiction. The zyprexa is a very high for me. Its a dose used in large men or in those with full blown schizophrenia. I had it added at that level during a severe psychotic episode which I kept having break throughs from for months afterwards. The lamictal is being used due to a new bit of research that says that that with a ssri has had positive effects amongst those with severe depersonilization. I dont object to that. I think it may be of help. But it makes sense to me to get rid of/cut out some of the other meds first? I actually feel from what I have researched that the lamictal/ssri combo might be sufficent on there own. I do have some conserns about not taking an anti psychotic at all, but I feel its worth the risk to try and see what happens. Thing is if I tell my psyc I am planning to come of meds he may well have me sectioned after the last few sessions he has had with me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyMacbeth Posted March 27, 2005 Report Share Posted March 27, 2005 Only sayiing this because I care about you so I apologise if I sound like I am mothering you...I think if he might have you sectioned or you think he may then its not really a good idea esp. considering the crap you have been going through atm. ((((((((ex))))))))))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lauren Posted March 27, 2005 Author Report Share Posted March 27, 2005 I know em sweetie I just feel like I want to lash out at 'something' Not harm myself, I really do think that cutting down the meds at least would help. I can feel this inner anger bubbling away, recently I had a right nut job attack on some police officers. Its all in me, sitting there building up. I just need to get rid of it in a safe way. But whilest I feel so sedated thats not possible. Does that make any sense at all? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyMacbeth Posted March 27, 2005 Report Share Posted March 27, 2005 I get you and I understand what you mean. I feel like lashing out at something to and getting rid of all this anger raging inside of me. I am not on meds and I am not sure of a way I can do it myself. I must stay clear out of my sister's way for the time being. I wonder how we can? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lauren Posted March 27, 2005 Author Report Share Posted March 27, 2005 See then im doubting the numerous dx's. If I really had all the things they say I have, then surely I should be living my life fully on cloud cuckoo land? The ones that they are treating right now are: *Depression *Anxiety *bpd *schizo effective disorder *OCD traits *Depersonilzation disorder Now up untill a few years ago if someone gave me that list I would be looking for the guys in the white coats to come rescue me I am sure at times I do have traits of all of them, but.... Shit, proberly just in denial at the momment. Judging by my 'dont call me borderline' thread I proberly am. Its just so hard when you feel ok and you know you havent been really taking meds for a few days to actually buy into all of this. Sometimes you start wondering if you are part of an experiment or something. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lauren Posted March 27, 2005 Author Report Share Posted March 27, 2005 See I write, and I write and I write. I allmost miss the psychosis, at times it has been my friend. A loyal companion, jeez, even my fuck buddy It just works for me. But the meds rip that ability away from you.I dont know... I miss the late nights, waking up not knowing what I have written. The mixed responses.... Joy,pride,disgust,hate..... The intensity of knowing and still feeling the experiences of the night before. Pen all ober me, carefully opening up the screwed up balls of paper. The shock, the macarbe fasination of what lays inside. Then the busy saner hours in the morning turning it into something others will understand. Carefully moulding it, tweaking it.... Aiming towards that elusive perfection that for some reason is allways just out of reach... Allways that one word, that one verse, something that isnt quiet right. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swan Posted March 27, 2005 Report Share Posted March 27, 2005 Are you having any kind of therapy at the moment? You are on a SHEDLOAD of meds and I'd be worried too if I was prescribed all that lot. But if you can come off them for days and feel okay then maybe your symptoms are extremely episodic? In that case - is anyone helping you work out what the triggers are? I know about that anger, but I also know now that it came from invalidation of my feelings and then later having to absorb my ex's rage. Slowly it is leaving me as I am learning to accept the realities and responsibility of some of my own bad actions and realise that they don't make me into Raskolnikov (Crime & Punishment, as I'm sure you know) Totally agree about the diazepam - can never understand when they prescribe it as a prn that the bottle says 'take one twice a day' which is really harmful, as they all ought to know. I don't know how long you've been on the meds, but perhaps you should agree to a spell in hosp (if you can bear it) to come off all of them and start again on a more sensible regime. They can't section you if you propose it first! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paul Posted March 27, 2005 Report Share Posted March 27, 2005 Make an appointment to see your vet ASAP, and explain to him. Just I know that coming off of meds can be worse than being on them if its not done right. And we all care :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swan Posted March 27, 2005 Report Share Posted March 27, 2005 'VET' Paul? I know she's got a pessimistic screen name, but I do think she probably needs a people doctor :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lauren Posted March 27, 2005 Author Report Share Posted March 27, 2005 screen name is not my choice But hell vet seems fitting seeing as how the zyprexa knocks me out just like a horse tranq :P Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lauren Posted March 27, 2005 Author Report Share Posted March 27, 2005 See, I say I am ok. I feel ok. Actually I feel a lot better for now. But my behaviour and reactions proberly dont fit in with the normal scale of things right now and I know that to long without meds will lead to a crash. I know the facts but I find it impossible to connect to the bad times when I feel like this.... Even when 'bad times' where only a matter of a few days/weeks ago. 'certifiably happyinsane' Me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swan Posted March 27, 2005 Report Share Posted March 27, 2005 So how did you get the screen name? I've always thought it's a little gloomy for such a vibrant mind :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lauren Posted March 27, 2005 Author Report Share Posted March 27, 2005 Had to change it quickly, first thing Josh came up with. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paul Posted March 27, 2005 Report Share Posted March 27, 2005 'VET' Paul? I know she's got a pessimistic screen name, but I do think she probably needs a people doctor <{POST_SNAPBACK}> I went into the doctor last week (well I thnk it was last week) and asked to see a vet, took me ages to convince them that I needed to see a real doctor, only after the receptionist checked my noted did I see a doctor quite quickly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swan Posted March 27, 2005 Report Share Posted March 27, 2005 That does sound really familiar to me. But you've got too many overlapping diagnoses and to many meds. How many different psychiatrists have you seen? It all seems so piecemeal and patchy and nothing seems to be addressing whatever the cause of the problems might be. I'm on Venlafaxine (anti-dep) and Sodium Valproate with Zopiclone to sleep and Diazepam if necessary. But they were all prescribed by one doctor who'd spent six weeks observing me. The writing thing sounds massively familiar to me, and I'm beginning to miss those highs so want to think about reducing the SV (mood stabiliser) because that is actually a privilege and a pleasure and no one should label it psychosis and tell you it is bad unless it truly is harming you. And proper therapy sounds vital - most writers on BPD seem to think meds are only of value used as short term (3-4years) stabilisation to enable therapy to start working. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swan Posted March 27, 2005 Report Share Posted March 27, 2005 Paul you've got me worried - you should think about changing your GP! Extinct - do you think Josh might let you choose another one. I was lucky - mine came to me on the spur of the moment, otherwise I'd have ended up with one of Josh's choice as well - even so, I was only allowed mine because he liked it which is a good thing, because I've really found it a new source of creativity. Live near the river, my sister has swans in her garden and they are magical birds - old folk tales and fairy tales feature swans. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lauren Posted March 27, 2005 Author Report Share Posted March 27, 2005 A different psychiatrist every few appointments, but then they are spaced out over a few monbths each time. One plus from being prescribed the lamictal is that I will get seen at least once a month now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swan Posted March 27, 2005 Report Share Posted March 27, 2005 Okay, all is explained. No wonder things are in such a mess. In your shoes I'd insist on a spell in hospital to get cleaned out from all of them under some consistent observation and get put onto a manageable regime. Sounds like you could also do with some help from a mental health Advocate since I think you might have to kick some butt to get out of this mess. I know hospital on the NHS is hideous but you will need to be somewhere safe where they can record your reactions to withdrawal etc, and often the acute ward nurses are better than the psychiatrists. Don't know where you are in the country but it may be worth getting in touch with your local branch of Mind, also, if your GP is any good, get him to complain to the Primary Care Trust. This is an abuse of your health, and it should be rectified. Sorry to be bossy (my consistent failing) but this kind of scatter gun approach to treatment really gets up my nose. They have a professional responsibility to you and it's not for you to suffer from their funding inadequacies. Love Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostsoul Posted March 28, 2005 Report Share Posted March 28, 2005 extinct - this sounds like my entire problem with meds. my hesitance to depend on them is down to the fact that it is possible i may never be able to come off them and be ok, with the result that i will need to be medicated for the rest of my life. i thought therapy was helpin in a way drugs cant, well thast true in a way, but there is something out of my control. and no-one evr understands that - if i could think better i would, but i cant. so meds so far have been the only way i have found some relief. that tells me that meds are worth taking. but, ag, its just difficult to face life on them isn't it? i do think you are taking a lot. being on three anti-depressants is a bit mad - have they no concerns over you developing serotonin sickness, where you shake and stuff? maybe youre not on enough for that. crap, i cant think properly. sorry. i think what it boils down to, is that you are quite similar to me. you highly value creativity and 'art', in you case the art of words. as i ha ve always said, art is allied very closely, to madness, and sometimes living a life like ours can be inspiring. if i had lived a totally happy life i would never have written one poem. it was interesting to me what you said about waking up with pen all over you and scrunched up paper. its quite nutty, but i can feel the appeal for sure. and isnt it annoying searching for the perfect expression? and if writing is what keeps you going, of art is what keps you going, and getting better forces you to abandon it somehow - christ sorry. i just realised im talking COMPLETE SHIT. i think you should talk to your doctor like the others said! xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lauren Posted March 28, 2005 Author Report Share Posted March 28, 2005 ((((((love ya claire)))))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostsoul Posted March 28, 2005 Report Share Posted March 28, 2005 ((((love you too)))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swan Posted March 28, 2005 Report Share Posted March 28, 2005 Just had to have another little say - my creativity totally dried up for a while, but I am sure that I am getting better, and it is really clear that it is coming back. I helped a friend draft a letter the other night - really long, complex document - and felt so good because I was doing what I'm good at. the poetry is a little more personal so that may take longer to return, but getting better should mean that the best things about you (including creativity) get better and easier, and the bad things that are blocking them (obsession, paranoia) go away. Any doctor or nurse who thinks otherwise needs their head examined :lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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