Stuck

[saffron]

Hi Ross

I think you have done a fantastric thing and should be proud. Families are the hardest people of all to convince that they do not actually 'understand'. YOur sister seems very defensive, maybe there is something she does not want to face or admit?

I havent got any siblings though, so can never imagine what the relationship is like. still I think that you have done something that is really going to help you.

best of luck

Saffron

[hummm_mabbe]

Hi Ross

I think you have done a fantastric thing and should be proud. Families are the hardest people of all to convince that they do not actually 'understand'. YOur sister seems very defensive, maybe there is something she does not want to face or admit?

I havent got any siblings though, so can never imagine what the relationship is like. still I think that you have done something that is really going to help you.

best of luck

Saffron

Hi Saffron

Thank you for your reply, I do feel proud of myself you are right. Yes sister is very defensive indeed, its been kind of illuminating to see that she still reacts in the same way as she did when she was 10, and how I 'hear' her in my head most every day. She was 4 years older than me and its amazing how much I have internalised that tone of contempt that she shows up there. In a way, making that reply was like directly talking back to much of the source of the self hatred inside my mind. Suddenly I am finding other feelings being freed up, such as a renewed desire to see my friends which has been absent for a long time. I feel like I have done something that very much needed doing.

Ross

[hummm_mabbe]

I have got a sneaking suspicion that this may prove to be something really significant for me. Ive been feeling on edge all day, like ive been put through a meat grinder. Ive been saying a lot lately how I cannot cry too, that I felt like I needed to.

I just went into chat, and I dont know, something about it being safe there, I just suddenly broke into tears. Bitter, sobbing tears that have rarely ever come out of me. Already I am feeling like I want to see my friends again, where I didnt before. I went for a walk, and so much of the fear I usuall feel wasnt there anymore.

I dont know if that means everything is over, maybe far from it. But I havent felt those feelings in ages. I feel like something extremely significant has just happened. i dont want to call it too soon, I just wanted to say that it feels like something has changed.

I do still feel trepidation over her next response, but I know I intend to make it the last thing we say to each other for quite a while. Maybe what I am feeling is relief!

Ross

[Wobbles]

Ross,

Definitely sounds like a positive thing, especially as it's brought up so many emotions you've been previously unable to feel.

I hope you can allow yourself to go with it and let those emotions come, and keep coming, this may have opened a very huge, important door for you. It's a perfect opportunity to practice the compassion, nurturance etc for yourself that we've been talking about.

xx

[hummm_mabbe]

Ross,

Definitely sounds like a positive thing, especially as it's brought up so many emotions you've been previously unable to feel.

I hope you can allow yourself to go with it and let those emotions come, and keep coming, this may have opened a very huge, important door for you. It's a perfect opportunity to practice the compassion, nurturance etc for yourself that we've been talking about.

xx

Thank you whooooooo

**Hugs self with teddy bear** :lol:

[hummm_mabbe]

Urrrggghhhhhhh

OK well me emotions let me know in no uncertain terms that that is most certainly NOT the end of it. Maybe its something very telling that I should have this reaction, but last night I had the worst insomnia of my life. No matter what I did - mindfulness, distraction, all my usual tricks, I could not fall asleep because I could think of was what shes going to say back! Even though I know my response is going to be the same - "That is what you think, those are your feelings - and I am still not going to see you", it was such an ordeal reading her mail because it WAS the voice in my head, onscreen. My body was just hurting all over from bracing for the attack. Part of me just wants her to get her bullshit out of the way, let rip with whatever poison she has, and then it'll be over. So all night, all of that crap just kept coming to me. After a while I just had to accept that was what was going to happen, that this is something hugely important and clearly very painful and distressing. Nonetheless I have to stick to my guns.

Thankfully Im seeing my vry supportive friend today, might be a bit groggy as only had 4 hours sleep

Ross

[Wobbles]

Aww Ross, was worried that was coming.

I think part of that could be your self invalidating, your sisters and mothers voices in your head, your self doubts etc. Reassure yourself that you're doing the right thing, that your reasons are valid, that you no longer have to give attention to those voices. You said it yourself, she will say what she wants, she will spit poison but you know what she's really like now, and it's not going to change your mind about seeing her.

I do know how awful that feeling is, anticipation, anxiety, fear and just not knowing, wishing the other person would just get it over with. I hope you have a good time with your friend today and a better nights sleep tonight.

xx

[hummm_mabbe]

Hi Wobbles

Yes getting it all out in a long chat with my friend will defo help. Talking is always the best thing

Im travelling down to england for christmas later today too, so that will take my mind of stuff as well. Then there is lots of beer and choccie at the other end, so whooooooo

Ross

[Wobbles]

Rossles,

Hope you're ok, and that Christmas is a good one for you. Enjoy that beer and chocolate.

Huggles