sanctuary Posted December 26, 2009 Report Share Posted December 26, 2009 Hi All, Just posting my thoughts in this. I have isolated myself from people for the best part of a month and have done alot of thinking. When I threw out my husband in Jan 2007 after finding out he was living a double life, I reacted so badly to it (beat him up, self harmed, binged on alcohol, slept with 5 men all unprotected on after the other, then plummeted into deep depression) I ran two search words into Google. 'Depression and Promiscuity'. Up came BPD information and at that point I felt a wave of relief that there was something to describe my behaviours throughout my life. When I was diagnosed, I met with a lovely psychiatrist who ran through my history of behaviours past and current and just before we concluded the assessment, I asked her if she would mind if I made a suggestion as I had printed off some stuff from the internet.. she said of course, so I said I think I may have... and she finished my sentence for me... "BPD, yes, I was about to suggest that"... So, she prescribed me citalopram 60mg, asked to see me again for another couple of assessments and told me the most effective treatment was psychotherapy. She referred me for one on one individual therapy to deal with the sexual nature of my past traumas, followed by a minimum of 18months group therapy with the intention of giving me insight into my behaviour, self awareness and clarity to enable me to recover and build a new self in the process. Well, I am now 13 months into group therapy and feel I have all the insight I need now. My behaviours haven't stopped as I have been in a stormy unstable relationship for a year, but without that relationship, I beleive my problems are now just as normal as most people on the street. If awareness and insight are the goals of therapy, I think I have acheived them. Raking up previous traumas from the past seems to do me no good now. I feel the group is infact holding me back. Is it possible that a group can begin to do that and if so is making the decision to move on okay even if I still display some erratic behaviour? I don't think the group is helping me anymore than say a chat with a friend or a post or two on here.... I feel the group is holding me back. What to do? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ruth24 Posted December 26, 2009 Report Share Posted December 26, 2009 I have been told that group therapy lasts between 12-18 months, so sounds like you have done really welll and got a lot out of it. I would tell your GP you think you are stable enough to leave leave and see what he or she suggests. Well done for sticking it out. You have done really well Ruthie x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toaster Posted December 26, 2009 Report Share Posted December 26, 2009 hey, how does ur group work? wud u tell all this in there? an do u have 'planned' leaving dates where u r part of the decision making process? just gettin from ya that ya sorta gonna just up an leave an that cant be good lol. i feel ive got all i can from a group so therefore am leaving at beginning of march. have also had a lot of group therapy lol. the planned 'end' is part of the process tho. am shittin meself. i dont want to leave, but id only be stayin cuz i dont wanna leave. an its hard for me to both acknowledge and admit that. but if i want things to change for me, it has to be done. ((((((((sanc)))))))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anastasia Posted December 26, 2009 Report Share Posted December 26, 2009 deleted Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sanctuary Posted December 26, 2009 Author Report Share Posted December 26, 2009 first things first, discuss it with your pdoc. 2ndly if your relationship is an issue, why are you still in it? Yeah thanks.... why even bother writing such crap? If I didn;t have issues with relationships I wouldnt have been fucking diagnosed. Oh fuck it... confirmed... stay in therapy and then one day I wont have to listen to people fucking tell me to leave a relationship AS IF ITS THAT FUCKING EASY YOU TWAT!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sanctuary Posted December 26, 2009 Author Report Share Posted December 26, 2009 And Im not fucking in it anymore ok? Because I tried to end it... knowing it was bad... but then he fucking ended it ok? So fuck hell yeah I have BPD but you minimilising it is about as invalidating as it gets so fuck you and fuck off Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sanctuary Posted December 26, 2009 Author Report Share Posted December 26, 2009 *note to self* therapy recommended for 18 months to 3 years... looks like i'll be in it a while longer, fuck it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sanctuary Posted December 26, 2009 Author Report Share Posted December 26, 2009 I have been told that group therapy lasts between 12-18 months, so sounds like you have done really welll and got a lot out of it. I would tell your GP you think you are stable enough to leave leave and see what he or she suggests. Well done for sticking it out. You have done really well Ruthie x Thanks but minimum was 18 months up to 3 years. Looks like I should stick it out.... thanks anyway Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sanctuary Posted December 26, 2009 Author Report Share Posted December 26, 2009 hey, how does ur group work? wud u tell all this in there? an do u have 'planned' leaving dates where u r part of the decision making process? just gettin from ya that ya sorta gonna just up an leave an that cant be good lol. i feel ive got all i can from a group so therefore am leaving at beginning of march. have also had a lot of group therapy lol. the planned 'end' is part of the process tho. am shittin meself. i dont want to leave, but id only be stayin cuz i dont wanna leave. an its hard for me to both acknowledge and admit that. but if i want things to change for me, it has to be done. ((((((((sanc)))))))) Yaeh gotta say all this in there... have to leave with agreement and permission so to speak from group. But after my explosion at rachel for invalidating my fucking response to relationships looks like I should stick it out after all. Thanks anyway xxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
piuma Posted December 26, 2009 Report Share Posted December 26, 2009 :( huggles. sorry my words are failing me today. not much hugsssssssss Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anastasia Posted December 26, 2009 Report Share Posted December 26, 2009 im sorry i seem to have said something to upset you sanctuary. i was just pointing out that if this relationship is perhaps a cause of some of your problems that it might be worth evaluating whether it was healthy for you or not. it's your choice if you go to therapy. same as it's mine as to whether i even start it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted December 26, 2009 Report Share Posted December 26, 2009 Hi Sanctuary I dont know if this will be helpful or not. I guess I felt a note of frustration in your words up there, and wanted to say some stuff that I went through too that was similar. What I realised is that insight is only one small part of recovery. Knowing that you do something, and even why you do it, is just a prelude to the even more difficult stage of actual emotional level change. Without emotional change, the behavioursa themself sill continue. It can be even more frustrating to know why you do something, yet feel powerless to alter that. Knowing in the head is only the first step, then comes the deeper process of emotional knowing, emotional change, and then finally deep behavioural change. If you are finding that insight isnt enough to help you make behavioural changes, then it may be that you need something that focuses more purely on emotion. Just a thought - it sounds like you have made a lot of progress, and rather than feel you've tried everything and nothing is changing, it may actually be that you still need to go through another important stage. Dont know if you really wanted this kind of input, just hoped it would be helpful. Ross Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sanctuary Posted December 26, 2009 Author Report Share Posted December 26, 2009 im sorry i seem to have said something to upset you sanctuary. i was just pointing out that if this relationship is perhaps a cause of some of your problems that it might be worth evaluating whether it was healthy for you or not. it's your choice if you go to therapy. same as it's mine as to whether i even start it. Apology accepted. You have hit just about the rawest and most painful nerve ending I have in my whole body! I have evaluated til I have exploded!!!!!! It takes two to tango and two to end a relationship!! Jesus fucking christ being aware is one thing,,, acting on it is quite another!!! For fucks sake emotions are far more powerful than rational thought!!!! Right now I am 99 percent emotional and only 1 percent rational. Forgive me.... I am screaming inside here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sanctuary Posted December 26, 2009 Author Report Share Posted December 26, 2009 yeah I think i need a different therapy now....... this being aware and having self insight is boring now... I see everything with my vampire eyes yet I am powerless to achieve any more from this reflection and awareness.... TIME FOR A NEW FUCKING SCRIPT Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sammy Posted December 26, 2009 Report Share Posted December 26, 2009 Hey hun, from reading what you've said and your reactions which as you said indicate where words hit your nerves, I'd certainly say that intellectualising your behaviour if anything might be invalidating you and though might make sense to you rationally, emotionally makes you feel worse, because you are simply learning that it's your responsibility to behave a certain way, which in turn makes you feel to blame totally for how you act and any external cause for your reactions is being minimised as not a good enough reason to act the way you do, and though logically again this might all make sense, it certainly isn't going to make you feel any better inside about all the things that have happened to you in your life. Also groups are about working together to help one another and I really sense that you need to be THE important one, the priority so that you get the most out of it, feel important and deserving and worthy, to have someone 'hear' YOU and how you FEEL, not where you have to put loads of effort into other people and their problems and then talk about you in the sense of 'sharing' as part of a group. I think Ross is on to the right idea with suggesting some other kind of emotional based therapy, where your therapist will devote that time in your sessions to YOU, YOUR feelings and where you're not just a part of something else, but it is all about you and no one else. I think also you need someone who will validate how you feel and that you have every right to feel the way you do, someone who will agree on how important, traumatising, significant and unfair certain events in your life were, without any but's, if's or maybe's. So yeah I think one to one, individual emotional based, client based therapy might work better, with a lot of focus on validation and emotions being allowed. Groups I think are more for learning skills, and if you feel you have learned all the skills you need to know then why be there? Even if you can't use those skills right now you won't forget them, and later when you have healed more on an emotional level you can always pull those skills down off the metaphorical shelf and implement them when you feel better able to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sanctuary Posted December 26, 2009 Author Report Share Posted December 26, 2009 Blimey your right... I do have a massive need to be heard... forcing it down someones throat is not appropriate tho is it? lol God I am a nightmare! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sammy Posted December 26, 2009 Report Share Posted December 26, 2009 :D survival instinct has no rules. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sanctuary Posted December 26, 2009 Author Report Share Posted December 26, 2009 True indeed... scary world innit Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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