Grotlet Posted December 31, 2009 Report Share Posted December 31, 2009 forgive me if this gets long Hello, I'm 16, go to college and I'm looking for a job. I live with my dad in a small flat, he spends 99% of his time either at work or at the pub we never talk, I sleep live on a sofa unless I'm at college. I have no friends, zero, I have nothing in common with the people at college and have come to loathe most people, I'm assuming, because my mother sent me to visit my dad the day before my 13th birthday, upon arrival sent a text saying "don't even try bringing him back" and when we did go back it turns out she was on holiday for 3 weeks thus disowning me because myself and her new boyfriend hated each other. I self harm a lot, to the point where I'm running out of space on my upper arms and left leg and often rub salt in the newer wounds, if I keep this rate I suspect my right will be full in 2 weeks or so. I don't really know why I do it, I think the pain keeps my mind of everything. I have set a date for my suicide, end of January 2010, and have pretty much everything prepared but figured I'd give it one last go while I'm waiting. I've been cutting for 18months or so, depressed upwards of 3 years maybe longer I tend not to count and see no reason or point to my existence, no one would truly care if I died and I don't blame them, I have nothing to offer them in anyway what so ever, I'm useless. Other than cutting I listen to music (Lamb of God, Metallica, 3 Inches of blood ((they are metal not emo)) motorhead and the likes), play video games and listen to video game related podcasts to keep my mind off it all. I thought of taking up the guitar or learning to write code as another way to escape but I can't motivate myself to code and I can't afford a guitar (note: looking for job). PS. Couldn't find a place to fit this in, I'm overweight and hate it however I do 50 push ups and 50 press ups a day, have been for 2 weeks along with eating a lot less and I'm not losing weight, not the end of the world but I guess its something else to add to the pile. To be honest I'm not entirely sure why I'm writing this but then again I can't think why not. tl;dr: Lonely but hate people, fat but can't lose weight, self harming a lot, possibly masochistic (in a non sexual way, more relief than pleasure) and unsure as to why I'm even typing this. Any ideas as to how I can help myself? NOTE: seeing doctor is a no, none of my wounds are infected and I keep them clean. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snowman Posted December 31, 2009 Report Share Posted December 31, 2009 But you do need to seek help. The doc could refer you to people that can help you. Life doesn't have to be like this. Please see your doctor. Is there a reason you don't want to see your doc?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grotlet Posted December 31, 2009 Author Report Share Posted December 31, 2009 I took a bunch of pills a while back and they managed to pump my stomach (dad came home from work early) they all just judged me as a pathetic emo teenager wasting their time. fuck them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
donnam Posted December 31, 2009 Report Share Posted December 31, 2009 is there more than one gp at the surgery u could see? i have worked my way round our dr's til found one that understood what i was trying to say, and took me seriously. sorry u are feeling bad, not good at advice at the min as in bad space myself. take care cadance Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grotlet Posted December 31, 2009 Author Report Share Posted December 31, 2009 nope just the 1 the only way out of this is self help, sorry, thanks though good luck with your problems Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
donnam Posted December 31, 2009 Report Share Posted December 31, 2009 could u ask to be seen by camhs? may be worth a try Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Russell Posted December 31, 2009 Report Share Posted December 31, 2009 Hi Grot Im glad you have found this forum and making use of it. I know what you mean about certain Drs and nurses thinking you are wasting their time and I had a similar problem but I did eventually find a Dr who had also gone through depression (so I guess theyre not imune to it!!) and he was so kind and caring. I went in for a 5/10 minute appointment and came out 35 minutes later and it was him that kept talking things through rather than me blabbing on. I would keep switching Doctors until you find one that is right for you. A good doctor will also be able to talk to you about diet and exercise and a system that will work for you, because every person is different. If you are significantly overweight there are pills that can be prescribed that will help with the weight loss. You could try and keep a food/drink journal! just write down 'everything' you consume in a day (it soon adds up) I do this as I have an eating disorder and it helps me to maintain a stable weight that I am ok with. You will often find you are piling on calories in areas you didnt expect, eg: excess milk on cereal, too much cheese, too many carbs in your diet, Fizzy drinks with tonnes of sugar in them! etc etc At 16 you can start to make your life what you want it to be. You can lose some weight and you can go on to live a happy life and hopefully earn sh** loads of money ......money wont make you happy by itself but it certainly helps I know you really want to sort your problems out by yourself but I dont think at 16 that is too sensible. Its a typical bloke reaction and thats why soooo many of them top themselves. I have made some EPIC mistakes along the way so please dont think I am talking down to you but I would just hate for you struggle though life and not be happy. Stay safe Russ, Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Corpsewithpulse Posted December 31, 2009 Report Share Posted December 31, 2009 Sorry to hear you feeling like this. You're still listening to music and display elements of ambition. Plus your age suggests that you have a lot of time and potential left in you so I would hope that you will be OK eventually. I know I would give a lot to be 16 again. Regarding the weight-loss, over the summer, I lost a good deal of weight (that frankly I couldn't afford to) when I went hiking around the country with a huge rucksack on my back. Maybe that's an idea for you? Good luck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saffron Posted December 31, 2009 Report Share Posted December 31, 2009 maybe you could try childline for some help and advice, of a youth counselling service. also try at college as they normally have counsellors there. If you really feel that you cannot control it then you can admit yourself to hospital for help? just a thought. Saffron Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xblackxmythx Posted January 2, 2010 Report Share Posted January 2, 2010 I would say that I vaugely know how you feel Although you have a reason to be depressed, I've just been unhappy constantly for the past three years for no reason. But you're not alone I promise. I self harm too sometimes when it gets too much or promise myself that I won't wake up ever again just as long as I can get some sleep It's not healthy but it works. I too have been to the doctor but my unhappyness fluctuates, when I'm with people it's easier to cope with and this doctor was really easy to talk to so she found nothing wrong with me. But the exams are coming up and this means I'll be under even more pressure. I guess there's an internal e-mailing system on this, you can send me something if you want, just talk about how you feel. I hope it starts to get better soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grotlet Posted January 3, 2010 Author Report Share Posted January 3, 2010 I had to go to the hospital after I got an infection, noticed it yesterday and I'm on antibiotics, they where exactly the same as last time, patronizing little bitches. I tried calling those salvation suicide helpline guys? when I got really down last night and the guy on the phone just said "yeah...well..blahblah like that isnt it?"...."yeah"... Its not helpful at all. Although mocking him cheered me up enough to not cut into the brachial short of my set date, your posts have done something, I suppose telling someone all be it text on a screen takes a bit of the weight off, thanks. I'm back at college next week so I might have a look around for a councilor given talking to you lot on the web has had a little effect maybe face-to-face might do more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saffron Posted January 3, 2010 Report Share Posted January 3, 2010 Hi Grot I hope you can feel like you can come here and talk about whatever you need to. I think it will help talking to as many people as you can. I know there is a lot of twats out there who do not understand, that is their arrogance and ignorance. I feel the more people you try and talk to the more chance there is that one will finally be able to guide you further. Until then, take care. Saffron -_- Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mollywhite Posted January 4, 2010 Report Share Posted January 4, 2010 More people than you realise have similar problems or have been on meds for depression and been insitutionalised for self harm and other emotional problems. There are lots of forces out there looking after us. I find it most helpful to keep taking a step back and thinking about what it is I really want from myself and life, and what I can do to get those things. Doing what you can to those ends is the most rewarding feeling. I also found a book called 'Taming The Black Dog' very helpful, and very nicely laid out with exercises and short sections that give you hope if only because it lets you know of more and more options in how to get better. Remember it is a gradual process, give yourself a break, and try not to indulge in any feelings of animosity towards anyone. Remove the people from your life who you feel are completely unhelpful and damaging, and fill your time with more satisfying encounters. I think counselling is definitely a positive step, and you can always use this forum or support groups to talk things through as you experience them. Keep going, you are worth it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grotlet Posted January 5, 2010 Author Report Share Posted January 5, 2010 Remove the people from your life who you feel are completely unhelpful and damaging, and fill your time with more satisfying encounters. I can't, all I have is my dad and he is completely unhelpful and damaging. on multiple occasions he has seen my wounds acknowledged them and done nothing. I hate him more than you can possibly imagine and other than him I have no social contact with anyone at all and nor do I really want it with anyone I have met. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktann Posted January 5, 2010 Report Share Posted January 5, 2010 Hiya huni I self harmed and was depressed from 14(maybe before)I was always the same 'nope not going to doctor' I was abs adamant. the thing is sometimes you can try to 'self help' till it comes out of your ears,but it gets to a point where you need to see a doctor,I HATE it still do and im 24 now but I realised that it was just something I had to do. its like saying to someone who has a broken leg 'well you know just try and self soothe' it wont work they need help,and so do you hun. xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grotlet Posted January 11, 2010 Author Report Share Posted January 11, 2010 well I'm back I didn't go to see anyone in college I got all nervous and panicked the past couple days have been really bad everything is just getting worse I'm scared I just want to die thank you for trying i dont think it worked sorry i have to go now Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saffron Posted January 12, 2010 Report Share Posted January 12, 2010 well we are not going to give up on you so nor should you. if you want to talk we are here. go back to your doctors as well hun. HUGS Saffron Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grotlet Posted February 5, 2010 Author Report Share Posted February 5, 2010 hello, well I have good news, on Tuesday I went to the doctor as one last shot before my prepared Wednesday suicide the first doctor dismissed me as a emo teenager and did nothing but give "advice" so I tried again, she was kind and seemed to understand and put me on Citalopram even though its only been a few days I have definitely seen an improvement, I wouldn't say I'm happy but calmer and relaxed, I don't get angry as easily anymore hopefully this will continue, thank you all for your advice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dani Posted February 5, 2010 Report Share Posted February 5, 2010 thats brilliant grot!im so glad you went in the end. that shows a lot of inner stregnth xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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