Bed, An & Bn.

[sarey92]

Hello. I'm 17, & I'm Sarah.

I've been suffering from ED's since I was roughly 11.

From Binge Eating Disorder/Compulsive Overeating Disorder, to Bulimia, to Anorexia, to a mix.

I have been recovering on & off for a year now, & it's getting extremely hard to keep recovering.

A lot is going on right now & I am desperate to "escape", & to have "control", & to feel that feeling I get from starving myself, from purging, from binging, as you can see, a mix.

Can anyone else relate?

What should I do?

I can't relapse, I really can't, my health is awful(I suffer from M.E & Acid Reflux Disease) & I cannot afford a relapse, but that's where I feel I'm heading.

Thank you.

x

[Russell]

Hi Sarah.

Its quite common for people to switch between ED types.

Have you received any treatment/support/care for your eating disorder(s) and if you have, would it be possible to get back in to it to regain some control.

When ever times get hard I will always revert back to my ED (drastic restricting) but with 10 years of it under my belt I have come to realise that I am not in control, its the ed controlling me. I have come to accept that my ed will always be in my life but there are ways of managing them and keeping them in check.

Eds are a serious business and kill people regularly so please do what you can to get a support network around you as hard as that maybe.

You mentioned you need to escape. What are you trying to escape from? What issues are forcing you in to the corner so to speak.

If you want to chat things through Im happy to talk (I dont really find talking ed stuff triggering)

Be good to yourself

Russ.

[sarey92]

Hi there Russ. Nice to meet you, and thank you for replying.

I am currently not in treatment for my ED's, I have in the past been to an ED Specialist, who can no longer see me as I've left school(she was funded by the school), & I've seen my Psychitrist about it, but yesterday was the first time I've seen her in more than 3-4 months, & we are getting started again, & it's more so based around my OCD(which is very severe right now), but we will have other appointments.

I communicate mostly through typing up a letter & bringing my laptop in so she can read it, & then we go from there.

I will be sure to mention this in my letter to her, I see her again next Monday at 3pm, (she needs to monitor me on my new medication for the first 3 weeks, but she is off after next week for 2 weeks, so I won't get to see her again until a while away after next week)

I'm scared to ask for help with this, I don't know if I feel able to.

I feel as if I need my ED's in my life...

& what am I escaping from?

Well, a lot has been happening lately, I'm struggling tremendously with just living each day, I am becoming increasingly suicidal and low, I don't want to be inside my head, or my body. It's a long story but basically, I have all the symptoms of Dependent Personality Disorder, & there was this guy I had known for 2 years, 7 months & 12 days, I was(still am) VERY co dependent on him... he was like a dad to me. A lot of crud went down, & now he isn't my dad anymore. We aren't even friends. Past week & a bit, a lot has happened between us & it's caused this huge tear between us & it's so painful, he's gone...

I'm torn, empty, suicidal, confused, frustrated, cold, alone & feeling so vulnerable & insecure.

Other than that, I'm having to deal with multiple severe mental health illnesses/disorders, & I'm physically unwell, I have been for a little over a year now with M.E, & it's so frustrating.

& I'm having to deal with abuse, neglect, & very vivid, distressing memories.

As well as nightmares when I sleep.

(I've been up for more than 24 hours now, so excuse me if I ramble!)

When I starve, I feel very out of it, dizzy, an overwhelming sense of control & spacey. I don't focus much at all, I'm too malnourished to think deeply.

I also get a huge high when I see the numbers drop.

I've gained weight & I feel extremely fat, huge, disgusting, out of control & gross.

I hate it.

I feel like such a failure...

Sorry for rambling.

[Russell]

Hi Sarah, It sounds like you are dealing with a lot of issues but sometimes just coming on here and chatting can be a huge relief in itself.

I dont have any experience of DPD but I can imagine how hard it is to lose someone that you depend on. My wife and I separated a while back and it was crushing to lose her after 12 years.

I think it would be wise to seek help with your ED as they tend to get worse with time! You dont even need to look for a cure (if there realy is one) but you could decide on a 'weight range' that 1) you are comfortable with and 2) The Drs think is acceptable. It might take some negotiating but it could be worth the investment. I have a weight range that I stick to rigidly and if find myself heavy I know I can cut back a bit to get me back down nearer the other end of the scale but with out being dangerous to my health. At the end of the day its all a balancing act.

I went a purchased a huge pair of baggy dungaries that are waaaaay too big for me and I wear them if I hit a bit of a crisis (I hate wearing jeans when they feel a bit tight as it reminds me I have let slip!)

I think we both know that if you restrict too much you can add major depression to the list so please try and be careful.

Try not to feel like a failure because of some weight gain (thats the ED telling you youve failed!) but try and remind yourself that you have time on your side and to be honest we both know how to claw back some weight if we realy need to Just dont go to extreme (again its all about balance)

Sleep is so important and I know how bad it can be, I would go days with out sleeping and went on some pretty hard prescription drugs to resolve it but they only worked for a short time. I located some budhist meditation music from youtube and whacked it on my ipod. Now when I go to bed I put that on for an hour and Im usually able to get off. Note: I have no religious beliefs, its just the music is very calming!

Take care

Russ.

[sarey92]

Well, I was borderline underweight before, & I've gained weight now, still on lower end of "healthy", but it's not enough. I won't settle for anything but severely underweight. Nor will my ED. Mostly I struggle right now with Anorexia Nervosa, a bit of Bulimia Nervosa, however I haven't purged for a few months. Mostly right now it's a mix of AN and BN. I "feel" like I binge but in reality it's not "classified" as one. I just feel I've ate too much if I eat anything. Especially junk.

& I have the symptoms of Major Depression, have done since I can remember, nothing new to me. However not sure if the symptoms are from my other disorders & illnesses or if it's co-occuring, but all I know is I've felt extremely depressed, low, & suicidal since I was very young. My first suicide attempt was around 8-9 years old. Self harm began at 7. Been seeing CAMHS since I was 7. For as long as I can remember, I've been severely unstable.

[sarey92]

&I also don't like some of what you said, but I won't start drama.

Anyone else have any support/advice?

[Russell]

&I also don't like some of what you said, but I won't start drama.

Anyone else have any support/advice?

OUCH

[sarey92]

You're being quite immature. I expressed how I felt, some of what you said has upset me, & triggered me, I think it's rude you respond like that. Accept how I feel & deal with it, if you can't, don't respond at all if you can't handle how I feel about what you've said.

& I'd like others to respond anyway. I want to know if anyone else can relate. Nothing wrong with that.

[anastasia]

i've read all the posts and i think russell was nothing ore than helpful.

anyway, i do suggest you speak to a professional about what's going on. it's theonly way to get help

[sarey92]

Some parts were helpful, yes, hence why I said SOME of what was said has triggered me & upset me. & You are not me, so you don't know what affects me negatively & what affects me positively. We are two completely different people, so what triggers me may not trigger you.

I am seeing a professional, but tbh, I've been seeing professionals since I was 7, I've found more help & support from forums & friends than professionals. So, no, it's not the only way to get help. In my experience anyway.

[CrippleAndStarfish]

You're being quite immature.

How invalidating of you. I feel that was completely uncalled for, as i'm sure others do too.

If there is something that Russ has said that you don't like, or that has upset or triggered you, a much more productive - and NON-insulting way to deal with it would be to explain what part has upset you, and if you can, why it has. That way, it can possibly be worked through - you could gain insight into the whys and hows and perhaps find ways to deal with the feelings that have arose, and Russ wouldn't feel under personal attack from you.

And with regards to the advice that was given, i honestly don't see how it was anything but offering of best advice that could be given at that time.

Not everyone will have the answers we wish for, and not everyone will say what we want to hear. But there is no need to be so goddamned dismissive and downright rude to people who are only trying to help you.

I stress again - This is a SUPPORT forum.

All of that aside, i understand how excrutiatingly consuming any form of disordered eating can be, as it is something i have battled with and succumbed to most of my life, and i do hope you manage to overcome this.

[sarey92]

Saying "OUCH" is quite immature in my opinion, & that's how I feel.

He never asked what triggered me or upset me,& I stated I don't want drama, But that's all that seems to occur around here.

You seem to all gang up on me, & It triggers me a lot, I'm feeling extremely distressed right now, & the last thing I need from a support forum is this.

You people can't accept how I feel and me expressing my opinion, it's quite invalidating to do that for me & makes me feel extremely vulnerable to be here.

It's not rude to say to someone they are being immature if they are saying "OUCH", there is no point at all to saying that & it gives a tone of sarcasm. It's unneeded & it's not supportive.

[Ruth24]

You say you don't want drama, but you are doing your best to create it.

I also have an ED and i can certainly relate to what you say. However, i don't want to discuss these issues whilst you are being so hostile to those who reply.

Ruthie

x

[sarey92]

How am I being hostile?

I'm not creating drama, I simply said how I felt, but that I didn't want to cause drama as that's what tends to happen when I say how I feel & why.

& then he replies immaturely with his "OUCH", & that makes me feel quite upset that he's replying so rudely to me, and not taking this at all seriously.

I'm not being at all hostile, if anything, everyone here is towards me, & it's very triggering & upsetting.

[CrippleAndStarfish]

Everyone is 'ganging up on' you, as you put it, because you're so fucking blunt and downright rude to anyone who attempts to communicate with you.

If you want help, i suggest you read over what you type before you hit 'post'.

The way you respond makes it very hard for anyone to feel at ease enough to reply to you, for fear of being shot down and dismissed as you have done with several people already.

Everyone is here for a reason. We all have our fears and insecurities. This is SUPPOSED to be a place where everyone is supportive, compassionate, understanding, and patient.

none of these traits seem to feature where you're concerned. You're just blunt, rude, and to be honest, i'm not surprised that your topics are getting so many views yet so few replies.

This forum has enough conflict, and enough people having a really rough time of it, without being attacked for offering advice just because you don't like the sound of it.

I'm fucking sick of all the fights and shit on this forum, and yes, you are only causing drama.

I wish the very best, but for god sake, if you want support, especially from the people here - who are genuinely lovely, caring people and who have only ever done their best to help and support as far as i am aware - then be accepting of it instead of shooting people down.

[Ambrosia]

Drama???What are you creating then?

[Ruth24]

Lets all just sit back at take a deep breath here.

I do believe PuppyPup wants advise and help, and yes she has been a bit hostie. But can we put this behind us and try and give her the support she is looking for?

PuppyPup, please try and be more thoughtful in your replies. People are only trying to help

Ruthie

x

[sarey92]

I don't see how I've been any of those things, & I feel extremely upset you say that about me.

I "shoot down" ideas because I've already tried them, & I feel very hopeless about any chance of being helped & getting better. This is a deep rooted issue & it's very sensitive for me to talk about.

& I don't see how I'm rude to anyone, so far, I've not cursed at anyone, I've not yelled, I've only ever expressed how I feel & my opinion. I never knew that was such a crime.

I ask for support, & I am grateful for replies I get, as you will see in my posts, I thank the person, & I respond to their post & any questions they ask.

If you don't like me, then don't talk to me. Simple as.

& I don't create drama, at all. I hate drama & I try to avoid it as much as I can, all I want from people is support & comfort, not drama. I have enough of that in my life already, & it makes me feel triggered & distressed. Something I already feel most of the time & something I don't need anymore of. I don't see how it is drama to express oneself. I find it absurd that that is considered drama.

I'm sorry you feel that way about me though, & have a nice evening.

& I do think quite a lot about what I post & how I say things, I don't see how I'm being unthoughtful in my posts, I'm just saying how I feel & my opinion, which I thought was okay to do, I suppose I was wrong.

[Marchmadness]

Hey -

You are not wrong. Talking over the net things can be taken out of context,

you can not see expressions on a persons face, or body gestures. So how

one person says something and another takes it can be at different ends. I

do hear you asking for help, it sounds like you have been asking for help

for some time now, and have been to many different docs, so without any

of the members knowing what you have tried yes they will make suggestions.

Those suggestions maybe ones you have tried in the past - maybe they can

be tried again, if its been sometime since you have used them. Everyone here

is a bit older then you are, and the way they express themself is different

from how you do. So it may sound like a parent talking to you and you

maybe tired of that. If that is the case you may want to find a site that

has a younger membership.

March

[sarey92]

I'm not going to leave a site because of my age.

I'm a lot older mentally than 17 years old.

I had to grow up quite quickly, and I have a lot of knowledge, insight, comprehension & understanding of many things that others are completely oblivious & ignorant to.

(& they say ignorance is bliss, for the person it is, but from my experience, being ignorant to mental health problems & medical health problems can be extremely damaging for the person who is on the receiving end of the ignorance.) Anyway!

& I am currently seeing a psychiatrist as I have already said, I have seen many professionals since I was 7 years old, I've had many different treatments, I've just gotten increasingly worse & my mental health has deteriorated over the years. I have given up hope that I'll ever get better or recover from anything anymore, & there are issues surrounding that on why.

& I don't think it makes a difference, both in person & on here, I suffer from receptive language difficulties & communication difficulties, so I would struggle either way with understanding what's being said & interpreting it the way it is wanting to be interpreted & communicating "properly".

I also don't feel as if they are talking to me like a parent - well, not a good parent anyway. I've been upset by a lot of what's been said in this thread, & I'd like it to no longer continue be posted in.