Depressed Of ... Hi All

[DeeDee1969]

Hi all. My name is Dee and I suffer with depression (a bit AA sounding there!), sometimes I can go weeks feeling pretty good, but I have a general sense of low level depression (and have had as long as I can remember) with occasional plummets into deep depression.

I had pnd after both my kids births, very bad and had anti depressants both times which I did not like at all though they did work to an extent, and have since then been prescribed anti depressants only once (my youngest is 13). That was after a bit of a breakdown about 5 or 6 years ago due to work stress (some bullying, possibly percieved and not all actual, and life just getting to me). So, I've used alcahol, dope, whatever to drown out my natural feelings and get through for most of this time.

My, not a cheerful intro this is it, but thought honesty might be good. I'm joining today because I am going down rapidly at the mo, there have been 3 major triggers over the last 7 months, the latest being a revelation from my daughter on Saturday night, so I realised I need some help. I cannot go to 'talk' therapy because I cannot talk about the issues as they are not mine to disclose, I am merely the support person. However I do not think I'm doing too well as support as I am so down! Spirals eh? So, I figured maybe this might help. And I've ordered some St John's Wort via internet- should arrive in a couple of weeks.

Well, thanks for your patience reading this, hope it's not been too rambling (I do ramble!).

Dee

[sarabpd]

Hi dee and welcome. There are lots of people on here that may have similiar experiences to you . Sorry you are in a bad place at the moment and want you to know that maybe talking here is a good start to try and get some thoughts out. Maybe your GP could help you and discuss your worries. You are worried about this so it is not too much to ask for a little help too.

[DeeDee1969]

Hi dee and welcome. There are lots of people on here that may have similiar experiences to you . Sorry you are in a bad place at the moment and want you to know that maybe talking here is a good start to try and get some thoughts out. Maybe your GP could help you and discuss your worries. You are worried about this so it is not too much to ask for a little help too.

Thanks for the welcome. I am not really in a position to see a therapist as that would involve talking about things I cannot discuss. My GP would (if I said no to a therapist, with a 6 month wait!) prescribe anti-d's but I find I become very withdrawn on them hence trying St John's Wort. Along with wine! It feels nice to know there's maybe somewhere I can just talk when and if I want to. The anonymity appeals to me, for various personal reasons. I even bought a sub (felt like I should as I fancied a blog, might be a useful tool) but I'm still just showing as a member. I'm not a very patient person, I want things done straight away! But I will wait, check in again tomorrow and see how things are.

Sorry, rambling again!

[spectre]

hi Dee, spectre(coz I just feel like a ghost these days),dont worry I ramble too,I have a son he's 11 but Ive not seen him since he was 2,trying to post more been trying but lifes chewing on my nerves at the mo,Ive been into herbs & alt stuff years,pls be careful if ur still taking any meds,st johns can interfere with some,I found Damiana & passiflora by themselves & combined pretty helpful,damiana makes for a good relaxing tea with a bit of honey,good ur tryng summit other than alcohol,never did me any favours but that was a long time ago,good luck, take care xx

[sarabpd]

You are not rambling and a blog may be a good idea. I have found this site so useful to me when i have been at my lowest. Being able to say the deepest thought and no one here thinking shock horror, is and was a great help to me as I felt no one else understood . Hope you sleep well

[Ambrosia]

Hi Dee,

Welcome to the site you are not rambling at all,A blog sounds a great idea.

Hope to see about the forum.

Lavender XxX

[Pink stars]

Hello and welcome

[DeeDee1969]

Thanks for the welcome, v nice. Unfortunately I am not able to start a blog on here, it says I don't have permission. I have paid a year sub, but maybe it's a time thing? Anyway, today has been ok so far, but I always tend to go downhill in the evening- though telling myself that is probably some kind of self fulfilling prophesy! Doh.

[donnam]

hi welcome to the site, everyone is really friendly here

cadance

[DeeDee1969]

Thanks, it has been a very warm welcome. Reading other's posts is so helpful, I know what I DON'T have in terms of disorder; so many people are so in touch with their illness! Mine feels so f*cking vague- just a bit low a lot of the time, then seriously sad and hopeless from time to time in a debilitating way. But I am not 'allowed' to crumble so I go on until it reaches apoint where I use physical illenss to get the time out to try and recover enough to carry on.

Ah well, am sure will figure it out. I do know that regardless of low level constant feelings of inadequacy and tiredness and blah-ness, if I have a lfe situation that is too much I totally sink. Like toilet paper (or sh*t) going down the flusher. It's so hard to see the rim! And get out of the bloody toilet. The fact I associate myself with sh*t and toilets is not nice eh? What would the positive thinking gurus say!

Latest crisis is related to my kid, and my total failure to be any kind of proper parent. I live herewith my kids, I listen, but I am no fecking use. I am dead inside.

Sheesh, self pity eh? This started out as a thanks for the nice welcome! :-)

[donnam]

hi, i can relate to what u are saying, and i struggle with my kids too, i suddenly realise my 5 year old has been talking to me and i have not paid attention to a word she is saying! even when i try to listen it sounds daft but it is like she is talking a different language, i just can process it (no speech probs on her part). i have to tell her mummy head hurts.

if eva want to chat feel free to PM me

cadance

[autism-bpd]

welcome to the site deedee hope u find the support u need.

[DeeDee1969]

hi, i can relate to what u are saying, and i struggle with my kids too, i suddenly realise my 5 year old has been talking to me and i have not paid attention to a word she is saying! even when i try to listen it sounds daft but it is like she is talking a different language, i just can process it (no speech probs on her part). i have to tell her mummy head hurts.

if eva want to chat feel free to PM me

cadance

Thanks, I may well take you up on it. Big problem is that when the major life problems arrive (there have been a few recently with both my kids) I just want to withdraw but I can't cos they need me. So, I fake it (not really faking, just trying real hard to deal with sh*t!) then I just want to withdraw totally. Run away and hide- hide from parental and life failures. So I withdraw emotionally. What a cow eh? Poor kids.

[shadow8]

Sometimes withdrawing is the only way we deal with things it doesn't mean we care less just that we need time to process what has happened or is happening. You said you paid a "sub" do you mean you "submited a ticket" or "became a sponsor"? You have to "become a sponor" to get the extra things you have paid for. Sorry if I have this wrong.

[DeeDee1969]

Sometimes withdrawing is the only way we deal with things it doesn't mean we care less just that we need time to process what has happened or is happening. You said you paid a "sub" do you mean you "submited a ticket" or "became a sponsor"? You have to "become a sponor" to get the extra things you have paid for. Sorry if I have this wrong.

Hi, thanks for the reply. I paid £10 to the site, not submitted a ticket. Still can't write a blog or get into chat though.

[jillv]

Hi DeeDee,

I can really understand you when you say you want to withdraw rather than face issues with your kids. Mine are grown up now, but my daughter is a real worry to me. She says I'm not maternal, because I shut down when she has a problem. I cannot deal with it, plus my own issues. I recently told my psychiatrist this (in a state because I felt so guilty) and he said it was a way of coping, my way of dealing with it. In fact it was only then that I realised that I used this kind of withdrawal as a coping mechanism. So you are certainly not a cow.

Take care and try to be a bit kinder to yourself. xx

[shadow8]

Sometimes withdrawing is the only way we deal with things it doesn't mean we care less just that we need time to process what has happened or is happening. You said you paid a "sub" do you mean you "submited a ticket" or "became a sponsor"? You have to "become a sponor" to get the extra things you have paid for. Sorry if I have this wrong.

Hi, thanks for the reply. I paid £10 to the site, not submitted a ticket. Still can't write a blog or get into chat though.

It now says your a sponor so it may now work. If not submit a ticket about it.

[DeeDee1969]

Hi DeeDee,

I can really understand you when you say you want to withdraw rather than face issues with your kids. Mine are grown up now, but my daughter is a real worry to me. She says I'm not maternal, because I shut down when she has a problem. I cannot deal with it, plus my own issues. I recently told my psychiatrist this (in a state because I felt so guilty) and he said it was a way of coping, my way of dealing with it. In fact it was only then that I realised that I used this kind of withdrawal as a coping mechanism. So you are certainly not a cow.

Take care and try to be a bit kinder to yourself. xx

Thanks, I just thought I was horrible! Well, it must seem that way to my kids sometimes, but finding out that other's do the same, and it's maybe the only way to keep it together is a help. I sometimes think if I didn't withdraw I would explode and expose them to all the horrible things in my head- I think that would be worse for them.

Oh, and I can see blogs etc now!

Also, I started taking St John's Wort yesterday, maybe that will lighten my mood in the next few weeks? I really don't want to go back on anti d's again as they make me feel even more 'separate'.