My Martial Arts Experiment

[hummm_mabbe]

Hello

Ok so this is my first contact with people in the last 2 years or so. It was a very mixed experience, but I think on the whole positive. I may have chosen a slightly overly challenging task for firsties, but hey ho, it was the most avialable.

THE GOOD:

1. I think generally people seemed friendly, and I didnt say anything to piss anyone off - at least not anyone who was entirely normal (more on that later)

2. I felt I did quite well- I havent done any sparring for 11 years, and I think I did ok. My movment was alright, I landed some shots. I was restrained.

3. I was effing brave enough to do sparring first time I go to a class! Thats like REAL BASHIE PEOPLE THEM BASHING ME TOO type thing.

4. There were two gits, both of whom hit far too hard considering it was light sparing AND im a beginner. Thankfully, the other guys there all warned me about them, and when one bloke nearly knocked my teeth out, another beginner saw it. It was good because he was able to validate that it was wrong, that it wouldnt have been wrong to be annoyed. I actually think I hndled it well - I told the guy I didnt have a gum shield. He seemed to think he had done nothing wrong - and suddenly all the stuff I know about psychology kicked in. I could see that was his inablity to accept his own negative behaviour, rather then me being 'weak'.

5. Most of the guys were helpful and held back a lot.

THE BAD:

1. Therw were two gits who hit too hard. Now yes I know that they are included in the good, but I was put off going there a bit because of them. Everyone else agreed they are assholes - the other beginner guy said "im going to get really fit so I can panel the f***er" - the guy had hit him hard enough that he bit his own tongue and it was bleeding. The other fellow just seemed very narcissistic, a bit of a prima donna, and just seemed to enjoy hitting people. No one spoke to him the whole night.

2. Some of my feelings of mistrust / abuse, subjugation and defectiveness did kick in after the guy hurt me teeth. I felt myself sort of dissociate a bit, and all the energy went out of me. After that I wasnt really able to take much in - but at least I am not sitting here blaming myself, and I can see my 'abuser' pattern springing up. (however because the other guys said they were gits too, I dont feel like 'everyone else hates me too'.

3. Ive got a bruised leg lol. I dont mind being punched and kicked in the body though, its my teeth that really got me annoyd, bloody asshole kept punching me in the mouth after I told him I didnt have a gumshield. Fucker. Still no one likes him so mabbe its ok lol.

Soooo I dunno. As a social experiment, there isnt a great deal to go on. I did get some of my feelings of defectiveness - I felt weak and a bit girly at times, did some mind reading that I thought they were thinking bad things, and if im honest I kind of do feel that in my guts and stuff But it did feel like most of them were friendly, and had a fairly good reaction to me. I didnt use any of my usual social overcompensations, though I think I might have 'played dumb' a bit so that people treated me gently ... not that it worked on all of them.

So Im glad I did it, I think I was brave, but maybe it was a bit too much for a first time out. I might go to a monday class because there is less emphasis on sparring, which feels like a steep difficulty curve just now. I like it, but I dont have enough skill to avoid getting pummeled I was glad I did do sparring though, felt proud of myself for being brave, especially as I havent done that for 11 years. Did resent myself for "not being manly enough" at points, and I fear that other blokes there might have thought I was a bit wet, but thats part of my defectiveness feelings and that. So yes, my schemas / core issues did all get triggered, but I think I could see when they were - so a success, at least as a prelimnary stage of doing real world testing and stuff

Rossie Chan Lee Bullshido Kwon

[jenflower]

HEY!!

Of course i will reply. Its fantastic that you go to martial arts classes - that is ace!! i just dont have the money so i cant go. lol!! did u laugh when the guy said that to you??? he sounds really up to showing hes macho lol!! x You do tend to feel a tad girly at first though but you will be ok.

glad to here from u....bout martial arts - tis kl! and defo WORTHWHILE!!

Dont resent yourself - you have had a major achievement and you should be proud of yourself.

always here if you want to talk

xx

[Dani]

i think you did great to go ross

the guy was prob showing off

i hope you continue to go so if ever i need someones are kicking i'll know who to get to do it for me

x

[hummm_mabbe]

Thx guys

Jen yus I liked the guy who said he was gonna 'panel' the nasty bloke He made me laff. The other blokes were so butch with tattoos and stuff lol, and I am like 73kg and 5' 8", and grown out hair ... bit little and girly lol. I dunno mabbe I am being mean to myself - its one of my issues, feeling all weak around people. But then, thats the point of doing things to increase cinfidence I guess I am trying to be proud of myself - there was a sort of angry voice inside of me earlier, saying "WHY CANT YOU JUST SORT YOUR FUCKING LIFE OUT YOU PATHETIC LOSER", sometimes that comes through - but its like a part of me I know is there, for now I have to accept it whilst trying to boost up the 'nice' part too. Hopefully these experiments will help

Dani - I dont think Ill ever be able to sort anyone out lol. The two nasty guys were just fuc*wits, and I have pronounced them douchebag-oramuses

Ross

[Roses]

(((((((((((((((((((((((Ross))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

You did good hun xxx

[b0bulat0r]

Awesome for doing that mate .

I hope you do go again,

just remember if you get really good you'll be able to kick that gits arse and make him cry like a little school girl (ofc i'd never suggest violence as a solution to anything) *looks around shiftily*

serious note though you've shown alot more courage than i've got and you should be really proud of yourself,

:D

[b0bulat0r]

Awesome for doing that mate .

I hope you do go again,

just remember if you get really good you'll be able to kick that gits arse and make him cry like a little school girl (ofc i'd never suggest violence as a solution to anything) *looks around shiftily*

serious note though you've shown alot more courage than i've got and you should be really proud of yourself,

:D

[hummm_mabbe]

Hi bobulator

Thats a good point, the other guy did say "im going to get really fit and panel the f****r" which I think meant he was going to take revenge I went on the web and looked up peoples stories from the first time they did sparring, and its full of incidents of "that one guy" that always goes too far, so looks like im not alone.... its just that most peoples first time sparring, wasnt ALSO the first time they did thai boxing - known for being a bit hardcore.

Thank you for the compliment, Im not sure what Im going to do. I may try out their jiu jitsu class because its less about striking, and I might go on Monday night because they do Thai boxing, but focus more on hitting pads and learning technique. I think I went on the 'difficult' night

Am going to have to wait and see how I feel about it overall. I think I would be very anxious to go back, will just have to see what my feelings do.

Ross

[CrippleAndStarfish]

Heylo Rossie =)

not got many words today i'm afraid, but just wanted to let you know that i've read this through, and agree with all points made about gitface - that was pretty harsh of him to be like that. But am amazed at your ability to actually try to look beyond that and accept that there will prob be deepseated reasons as to why he is being a gitface. Maybe just steer clear for a while though til you're Mister Muscle himself,huh? =)

It sounds like a positive experience on the whole, even if there were a few bits that weren't so great, but can remember you saying something along the lines of you'd prefer it not to be perfect?... am wondering if that was so as not to be disappointed if it wasn't perfect, or if it was part of this experiment thingy and give a few more oportunities to cope with these diff situations, but either way would make sense to me, and i really hope it helps you =)

It's natural to feel nervous about returning, but you were really bloomin' brave going there in the first place, and i do hope you consider returning, even if to the monday class as you mentioned, as it certainly sounds like something that, once over the initial jitters and stuff, you could genuinely enjoy and really progress at. It's bound to be scary doing all this stuff if it's been quite a while since you last did it anyway, but eeee, it sounds as though you've done really well. am happy and smiley for you, Rossie

I'ma be quiet now, lol. I thought i didn't have many words!!! haha But now i fear i've gone the other way and said too much... yet still i don't stop typing!! sorry, sorry, sorry my dear.

Crippie xxxx

[hummm_mabbe]

Hullo crippie de la de la

Yus tis true, having not perfect meant that I got some more emotional info on my patterns, so triggering them was something I needed to do. Its almost a bit like you have to go through the car crash again and again to figure out why its happening and how to stop it and that. But its horrid when youre doing it Makes me feel a bit grrr at therapy, but suppose its one o them hurt em to cure em type things lol. Doesnt actually have to be physical pain of course lol. Im sort of treating myself like a compuer or robot that you have to set off on its run, watch it and then go "oh look its gone all squiffie" and then take it to bits with a screwdriver each time til it starts to function normally.

Indeed, its been 11 years since I did any bashie things, and about 2 years since I really was around other hooman beans. Im tryin to see myself as brave, really all I can feel is this horrible self attacking feeling that I am just some awful pathetic bitchy little man that makes me feel sick. I know not nice, thats just what was coming up today, but then thats part of the robot doing its things.

**bashes robot with hammer**

When the 2nd gittie bloke hit me in the gob, I think I found out partially what it was like when you ate that toilet cistern Poor crippie de la dentistry

Ross

[CrippleAndStarfish]

Awrr Ross babe =(

Don't know what to say =\ I'm sorry.

((((((((((Ross)))))))))) ( i think you got more arm things on one side of that hug than the other. sorry =| lopsided hugs just rule, mmkay? )

xx

[hummm_mabbe]

Hi crip

S ok me therapist person will be able to do magic things with all that info I guess. I hope.

Aww lopsided hugs. Like being embraced by a dwarf with a leg missing

Ross

[hummm_mabbe]

(((((((((((((((((((((((Ross))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

You did good hun xxx

Oooo I missed this post Must be going suqiffie in me old age. Ta Roses, trying to see it that way, but my brain filter keeps trying to only remember the scary bad things and that.

**whips brain filter with twig**

Ross

[hummm_mabbe]

I was just watching some ultimate fighting championship match, and they said that one of the fighters suffered from panic attacks when he was going into the ring, nearly stopped him fighting ever again. They offered him meds and things and he said he wanted to beat it mentally, and now he is back fighting. This is a big butch fightie type dude, makes me feel much better to know its not just iccle folks like meeeee that get this stuff, and that it can be overcome and things.

Yay

Ross

[Roses]

No worries hun. I'm just glad you went it's really good for the soul to try and do something you enjoy. I went and started a new canvas work at the day centre today. It is a BIG one and I'm tired now and got stressed on bus so had to take a PRN quetiapine but I'm glad I did it. I am increasingly being put in tricky situations but I'm still here. And you are still here and that speaks volumes my dear friend xxxxx

[hummm_mabbe]

Hurray for us yayyyyyyyyy lol

Hope you eill put a piccie of your new canvas up when its done, unless ur feeling all arty about it and dont want to expose your works to the world

Mabbe PM me or something if you put it up, im avoiding the main forum at the moment and only checking limited things.

Ross

[Roses]

I'll definately put it up and all constructive criticism or praise is welcome. xxxxx

[hummm_mabbe]

Ive been glamoured by you and so everything you do is great lol

Rossie

[Roses]

LOL now back to the bit where you are dripping in sweat, punching, kicking and generally being HOT STUFF!!!!! Woof!!! (In a Queenie kinda Woof way) xxx

[hummm_mabbe]

Hmmmmm

Nooooo u imagined that sweaty and hot in the literal terms yus tho lol

OK SO I am going to go to jiu jitsu on sunday as it is less bashie, more like judo, then monday week i may go to the lighter class. I also feel like I might really look for that language class. Seems this experience has fired off a little bit of motivation whoooooooooo

Still bit scared tho

Ross

[Roses]

(((((((((((((((((((((((Scared Rossie)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

If I was able I would come with you and sit there supporting you. But you'll have to make do with a typed message I'm afraid. I will be there in spirit though xxxxxxxxxxxx

[marc-74]

Ross mate you are a fucking legend,  I so proud of you.

 marc x

[hummm_mabbe]

Thx guys

Hope the motivation comes back, feeling a bit discouraged today. I might even take a week away from it, and go to jiu jitsu next sunday instead of tomorrow. I can still feel the bruises and muscle strains from the thai class, and me left knee is a bit swollen. Dont really wanna be crawling around on the floor with that ...

Will prolly post updates and things

Ross

[Wobbles]

((((Wossles))))