Lauren Posted March 30, 2005 Report Share Posted March 30, 2005 So its no suprise to most of you here, Lorna needs to get a grip on her addictions. I have been saying for a few years now that I need to sort it out. So kinda like when you are on a diet im going to do it in a public way. I am hoping that by being honest here and sharing my sucess and failures with everyone it may motivate me and help me on my way. After all I cant stand being seen as a failure. The whole idea of taking the not drinking 'one day at a time' freaks me out to be honest. I am fairly ok with a day of it knowing that I can trick myself into thinking that if i manage a day I can 'reward' myself with a bottle of wine tommorow. It doesnt work that way. I also need to set clear small goals this time I think. So I would like to set it at a week. But just the thought of that is incredibly daunting and those feelings from past experience are just setting me up to fail. So my very first goal is to make it to 4 days sober. This will be the longest I have been sober in 4 years. Including tonight 4 days makes it to sunday morning. I am going to keep checking in to this thread. If anyone else really feels ready to get rid of any addiction feel free to join me. But this time I will do it. Please support me in this. I really dont want to hear you havent failed if I screw up because I know I will have. I refuse to be a middle aged lush in ten years time with my son ashamed to bring friends home to his waster mother. Here we go the..... :wacko: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lauren Posted March 30, 2005 Author Report Share Posted March 30, 2005 The plus side: * 50 pounds plus a week better of ( 200 a month, 2400 a year!!!! ) * more energy * (long term) less anxiety * weight loss * meds will be far more efficient * more productive * (long term) better quality of sleep * can stop worrying about the state of my liver * hopefully my heart rate will calm down a bit Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lauren Posted March 30, 2005 Author Report Share Posted March 30, 2005 How to reach my goal: * I am going to put the money saved each day into a pot and enjoy actually having some savings. * I am going to block shade in my calander each day. ( think if I just tick it it wont focus my mind so much) * I am going to weigh myself once a week to help keep me motivated. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bpmonki Posted March 30, 2005 Report Share Posted March 30, 2005 honey well done for making that desicion Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mycroft Posted March 30, 2005 Report Share Posted March 30, 2005 With you all the way exie. Good on you. :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
verbena Posted March 30, 2005 Report Share Posted March 30, 2005 Lorna, I couldn't be happier to support you. I think you have some really good strategies planned. I'm here... XXX Ann Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swan Posted March 30, 2005 Report Share Posted March 30, 2005 :) (not feeling too articulate tonight) Love Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lauren Posted March 31, 2005 Author Report Share Posted March 31, 2005 Last night was vile. No sleep just a haze full of psychosis. I just could not turn my brain of. I was thinking about normal stuff and my brain was changing it into a weird version of snap or something. (I dont really mean snap but im to tired to think to much) That horrible inbetween stage where I was convinced my rabbit was cut in half but there w3as no blood and the front half of him was carrying on as normal. Where my son came downstairs and sat in the dark but he had changed into something evil. I just couldnt get past that. I thought about getting up and coming here but I was far to spun out huddled in my blanket freaked out. I think here would of been to much. Today I feel sick, weak and exausted. I am scared, I know it will get worse before it gets better. OI am starting to show real signs of dt which I have never had much of a problem with before. Last night was a nasty wake up call to the extent of my problem. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lauren Posted March 31, 2005 Author Report Share Posted March 31, 2005 I really wanted a clean break from everything. Alcohol, meds and caffine mostly. But now I dont know if the psychosis last night was alcohol related or the lack of an anti psychotic for a few days? If it was the alcohol then thats kinda scary, and I should really be getting some medical help to do this? It may well of been a combination of both. Its just that its been a while since ive sufferd with such a level of psychosis. The delusional thinking I am more used to. But this was pure cuckoo land style. I know you are supposed to cut down slowly. But as usual like anything I can only do it 'all or nothing' style. *sigh* onwards to day two. At least they say the actual detox stage of this only lasts for about 5 days. So by sunday I should allmost be there. :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lauren Posted March 31, 2005 Author Report Share Posted March 31, 2005 Things to ensure over the next few weeks: *That I eat at least two regular meals a day * consider taking vitamins * keep my home tidy and relaxing. * Take time each day just to relax *start up an excercise routine again, even if it may just be going for an hour long walk each day for a week or so. * create a list of positive affirmations and READ them out loud. * Keep this thread updated *be completely honest with myself and all of you here in this thread. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katherine Posted March 31, 2005 Report Share Posted March 31, 2005 good for you (((((((extinct))))))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
debs Posted March 31, 2005 Report Share Posted March 31, 2005 hi extinct you go dirl i know what your going through right now not nice just hold on in there im here you should be seeing a docter especaly if your getting withdrawels not pleasent maybe they can get you into detox nut dont just relie on that get as much support as you can go to aa meetings you can go to drug consulars i have a key worker just get as much help as you whatever helps wiyh i had to go into rehab but you seem to have yor head about you i wont kid you its bloody hard but worth it dont do this on yor on babes talk tell people here tell me your have having a bloody haed day and you could do with a drink anything thing that will keep you going well done babes keep strong ps i know about addictions having a addictive personality my self :bigarmhug[1]: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lauren Posted March 31, 2005 Author Report Share Posted March 31, 2005 thanks karie and debs :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lauren Posted March 31, 2005 Author Report Share Posted March 31, 2005 Really shaking and cold now and so tired its a struggle to keep my eyes open. My tummy feels like its taken a few sharp kicks. How did I let myself get in such a mess? How can alcohol be legal? I need to do some house work, I have just been into town after begging some money of my husband for food. So at least my freezer will be full for J soon. Its just so hard not to think about never drinking again. I keep catching myself thinking things like 'if I make it to the weekend it will be ok to drink' or if I find a way to go out to the pub I can drink then because thats acceptable. But in all honesty if I really want to quit then I cant drink for a long time, if ever. I cant drink untill I can be sure that it will be in moderation and only with others. Its so stupid really because it doesnt actually do anything for me exept make me feel even worse than I allready do. It destroys the little impulse control I have and just generally makes me a danger to myself. It is destroying my health and my brain cells and leaves me with a permanant niggling headache. So why do I still crave it so much? What is laying under that alcoholic haze that is so painfull to let out? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lauren Posted March 31, 2005 Author Report Share Posted March 31, 2005 I feel so emotional. Like pmt on overdrive. Thankgod I dont have to actually worry about that for a while. My eyes sting where im so tired but even if I could sleep I feel to scared to after last night. I just HAVE to keep reminding myself why im doing this. Right now it feels like some kind of twisted self punishment. Trying not to slip into a negative frame of mind as in 'my lifes shit, its allways been shit what does it matter?' But its so hard to stay away from that. My brain is trying so hard to come up with every excuse possible to drink, and im having to catch myself each time. My son is driving me batty with his playstation. Thinking that I can actually play the game like his father.... not a hope, im useless at all that. My four year old son is better than mne. Sorry to go on and on. Im not really expecting many responses its just a good way to get things out. Make it public kinda. I dont know I just want to give myself the best chance possible to beat this thing. So every time its getting to me, which I expect will be a lot for a while im going to come here and get it all out. Hopefully in a few months time I will be able to print this out having 'won' and be able to look back at it every time I think something is to hard or to painfull to face. Anyway im getting way way ahead of myself. If I make it through today it will only be day two. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
debs Posted March 31, 2005 Report Share Posted March 31, 2005 hi babes i really feel for you are you getting any help i know withdrawels are you are in my thoughts need to be taking something to help the doc would probably give you diazapam just to get over the shake they will get better belive it or not it sounds like your getting bad cravings just try to get the physical sorted first it will become eaiser as time goes by belive it or not i didnt think it would but it dose s try not giving up babes your in my thoughts take care love debs your better than the booze dont let it beat you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lauren Posted March 31, 2005 Author Report Share Posted March 31, 2005 Thing is ive told my psyc that ive given up drinking. This was because I was 'ganged' up on by my consultant and her junior. Basically told I was a silly child who should know better. Prescribed diazepam,given blood tests and sent away. I couldnt face being spoken to like that again, so when I was getting t a little more under control I lied I guess. I cant stand being spoken down to its such a huge trigger to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyMacbeth Posted March 31, 2005 Report Share Posted March 31, 2005 Ex-have you tried reducing your intake such as drinking half a bottle of wine and then take it down to a glass. I have done that. My T told me she does not think I have an addiction problem because I did that. Maybe that could work for you. This its like Xanax in a way you need to be weaned off slowly. I am scared to see a doc so I have been doing this. If it gets worse than I will have too. Em Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
debs Posted March 31, 2005 Report Share Posted March 31, 2005 sorry about the way you have been treated nobody deserves that especally when yor trying to get help are you getting any support off yor shrink have you tried aa i know people think its a god but im not religiuus but i found it to be a great support when i first came off the booze evan though i met my ex there thats another story but you find if you go to aa there will people going there for a long time who will give support and usally thier phone mumbers so you can phone them rather trying to cope with cravings yourself ecause the cravings are the hardest part there with you babes :wub: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lauren Posted March 31, 2005 Author Report Share Posted March 31, 2005 God, I want to drink tonight! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lauren Posted March 31, 2005 Author Report Share Posted March 31, 2005 Thing is if I buy a bottle with the intention of drinking half, ill drink the lot. If there is alcohol here I will drink it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lauren Posted March 31, 2005 Author Report Share Posted March 31, 2005 How to get through tonight: *put fresh bed sheets on my bed * take a long HOT bath *watch eastenders whilest eating a meal that is healthy and full of flavour * get a really early night. I think i may have to resort to running my evenings to a schedule for a while. So that theres not any 'free' time where I would normally drink. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lauren Posted March 31, 2005 Author Report Share Posted March 31, 2005 I am about to start climbing the walls. Stupid thing is that ive managed two days without before now and without this level of anxiety. I think it proberly is related to the fact that im really ready and commited to giving up now. Before I was just staying sober for a few days and 'rewarding' myself with a drink. I am kinda dreading my son going to bed and having to fill those hours before I can go to bed. Then of course im scared to actually try and sleep. Sorry for all this posting, but it seems to be helping. (I hope) Anyway ive just been to the shop that normally buy my wine from ana managed to avoid buying any. So thats a positive. just have to keep plugging away at it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JTBadBug Posted March 31, 2005 Report Share Posted March 31, 2005 Hi Ex, I think you are doing a wonderful job, not because I am a sick person who likes to read about people struggling, but, rather , the effort that you are pouring into your quest is remarkable. All I can say is Go Girl Go! I am really pleased you are sharing this time with us because it allows people hear to offer you some support. Congratulations on your decision and keep strong, suck the strength that is offered to you from here. Jane xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
debs Posted March 31, 2005 Report Share Posted March 31, 2005 thats good babes that you dunt buy a bttle of wine next time you go toi the shops buy a magazine or evan some chocs for yourself instead of wine as a reward what i use do save the money i spent on booze get my daughter to look after it and slash it out on a new out fit when your son goes to bed try and distract evan if just playing a game on the computer got any hobbies like embrodery or you can get some puzzle books listen if you think im being booy just say thinking of you babes love debs Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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