flippy Posted July 17, 2004 Report Share Posted July 17, 2004 I was talking to my friend last night, i wasnt in a good place and i needed to hear her voice, but i kept asking if she wanted to end the conversation, i always ask her this when she is having to deal with my bpd, she thought i was testing her waiting for her to tell me to go away but i wasnt i was protecting her from me and having to deal with me. So the conversation ended and i felt misunderstood and angry because to me it was simple, if she thought i was testing her she must think i am a bad person and wont want to talk to me. but again tonight i needed her and she rang me and i was so paranoid that she didnt want to be there and now im analysing every word she said looking for evidence that doesnt exist. I feel i cant talk to her about it because it might drive her away and i really couldnt deal with that, i know all of this is in my head because she is never anything but supportive and loving and i hate myself for having these stupid thoughts it feels like i am trapped in this world that i cant get out of. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Betsy Posted July 17, 2004 Report Share Posted July 17, 2004 Flippy, You are testing her... aren't you. You are pushing her away... arent you? Isn't it the nature of your illness to do all these things? Why wouldn't you talk to her about how you feel... don't you think she knows something is up? you may be pushing her away by the very act of not being honest with her. Why is it that we all think we are so horrible and so dangerous we have to hid ourselves and our emotions from other people? You are a great person that anyone should be honored to have as a friend. She is your friend because she likes you. Now start talking to her like a real friend. just my oppion... do what u want Bets Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
befuddled Posted July 17, 2004 Report Share Posted July 17, 2004 Flippy, insert my name in the place of yours and the names of all people I have ever been close to for your friends name - and it's a perfect fit. It's the way we are. When I get like that, my husband says: "you think too much!" and hugs me. Not what I want to hear at the time, but he is right! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairytales817 Posted July 18, 2004 Report Share Posted July 18, 2004 I'm hearing you. I relate. Just hang in there. I agree, be honest with her. She knows something's up and do you REALLY want her to think you're hiding something from her? *hugs* And I'm always told I think too much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flippy Posted July 18, 2004 Author Report Share Posted July 18, 2004 i didnt feel i was testing her and i still dont but so many "close" friends have walked away in the past because they couldnt deal with me its my biggest fear. i have found someone who is amazing and always tells me she loves me and i dont want to lose that. she knows that its my biggest fear and she tells me she will never leave but i do think i am such a horrible person when i am like this that she needs to be protected from me. i guess i should stop making myself responsible for her and trust her to do whats right. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buoyantcat Posted July 19, 2004 Report Share Posted July 19, 2004 It's okay Flippy. I can identify with how you feel. I have been there. I have found that one of the best solutions for any problem is writing, whether it be in there, to myself, or to a friend. Be honest with her, and let her know what's going on, and how you feel. So...write her a letter! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toadstool Posted July 19, 2004 Report Share Posted July 19, 2004 I used to have problems with my friend. She always hated me writing her letters though, she said they were black and white and blaming, never saying good stuff. I used to get obsessed with how I felt about something she did, and write about it and because my reaction was always out of proportion she felt blamed. Now we communicate much better because I can say to her I know this is me and I know my anger isn't about you but I get paranoid about you when I feel angry. The only thing is I mostly do this after the event. It sounds to me like you were trying to protect her but maybe you were also trying to push her away because of that need to protect her. It could easily be both. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toadstool Posted July 19, 2004 Report Share Posted July 19, 2004 And none of that makes you a bad person. xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flippy Posted July 19, 2004 Author Report Share Posted July 19, 2004 thank you at the moment i am pretty much in turmoil we txt each other but she sounds distant and i fear she is angry with me which is probably not the case but i dont have the courage to talk to her about it. i know this is me and the problem is in my head but it's tearing me apart. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lucy Posted July 19, 2004 Report Share Posted July 19, 2004 sounds like you are redaing too much into hun, you did sound like you were pushing her even though it may not of been intentional. take care and dont beat yourself up Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flippy Posted July 19, 2004 Author Report Share Posted July 19, 2004 you know me too well lucy im certain it is me and its something i have to deal with, i wish life were easier Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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