Core Identity

[sanctuary]

Who am I?

[hummm_mabbe]

You are all the feelings, needs, impulses, talents, desires, knowledge and curiosity that emerges when all the fear, shame, doubt, rage and sensation of being trapped is removed. You are what those good things lead you to be, want and do.

Ross

[anastasia]

i wish i could tell you!

[Russell]

You are all the feelings, needs, impulses, talents, desires, knowledge and curiosity that emerges when all the fear, shame, doubt, rage and sensation of being trapped is removed. You are what those good things lead you to be, want and do.

Ross

That is an awesome reply :)

[Villan]

You are all the feelings, needs, impulses, talents, desires, knowledge and curiosity that emerges when all the fear, shame, doubt, rage and sensation of being trapped is removed. You are what those good things lead you to be, want and do.

Ross

That is an awesome reply

Hell yeah *writes it down in lil notebook for future reference*

[walker]

hmmm

just need to remove the fear, shame, doubt, rage and sensation of being trapped then

[Russell]

To me personally you have been friendly, caring, helpful and compassionate but Im sure the list goes on :)

[jillv]

You are a warm, caring, supportive person who has gone and is going through so much in your life that it is making you doubt and question yourself. xx

[Momokani]

Great reply from Ross....And when the fear, shame, doubt, rage and trapped sensations are viewed as fertilizer, you can grow and develop the 'real' you, using the negatives to creating more understanding, love, insight, non judgemental attitude etc. Whilst the unwanted qualities recind into the background as YOU blossum even more.

The viking saying, 'seize every opportunity' and 'you only fail when you give up'. So who are you Sanctuary? Seize every opportunity in life to find out the seed you want to grow inside. Motivation comes from what I love doing. If I love doing it, I won't ever give up. If I won't give up, I'll be letting the real me eventually blossum.

I've suppressed myself too long, now I'm living more and learning more from life who I really am.

Go for it. :-)

[sanctuary]

Thanks for all your replies on this subject of 'who the fuck am I' underneath all the dysfunction...... I suppose identity is a big question for anyone but for those of us with BPD who suffer with identity disturbance, the question of 'who am I' is particularly difficult to even begin to answer but which seems to be the real nitty gritty of the whole process of recovery.

I seem to find a different reason for living every time I recover from a crisis but it always seems to be dependant on 'other people' therefore I cannot on my own find a good enough reason to exist with 'just me'.

Who I am very much depends on who's around me and what purpose I feel I have in their lives.

Until I have solid values and goals, purely individual ones that don't need the involvement of others, I will always feel who I am is dysfunctionally entwined with who another person expects me to be.

What a load of hard work this is trying to get better. I'm exhausted.

[Villan]

I seem to find a different reason for living every time I recover from a crisis but it always seems to be dependant on 'other people' therefore I cannot on my own find a good enough reason to exist with 'just me'.

Who I am very much depends on who's around me and what purpose I feel I have in their lives.

omg i hear all of that - u describe me surely !

i have underlying morals and values and stuff, but "who i am" is always dependent on "who i am with" or "what role i am playin" sister, daughter, workmate etc etc... the mask only comes down with one person - so i am kinda relyin on that relationship to help me work out "who i am"...

*sigh*

[sanctuary]

*sighs with chit*

I know honey, it's so hard....

((((((chips))))))))

[markscol]

I seem to find a different reason for living every time I recover from a crisis but it always seems to be dependant on 'other people' therefore I cannot on my own find a good enough reason to exist with 'just me'.

Who I am very much depends on who's around me and what purpose I feel I have in their lives.

omg i hear all of that - u describe me surely !

i have underlying morals and values and stuff, but "who i am" is always dependent on "who i am with" or "what role i am playin" sister, daughter, workmate etc etc... the mask only comes down with one person - so i am kinda relyin on that relationship to help me work out "who i am"...

*sigh*

who is that one person, if you dont mind me asking? And how did it come about?

[Villan]

dont wanna hijack the thread but i will answer - if u wanna discuss further then pm me instead - hope u dont mind sanctuary hun...

best friend... someone who wont give up on me, wont let me act out, understands the shit i am goin through, doesnt pander to my needyness but there when i really need it, treats me like the intelligent adult that i am, non judgemental unconditional friendship. F*ckin lucky to have found them.

[sanctuary]

Hey chips not at all.... it is a good question and relevant hun

xxxxx

[markscol]

ops, i apologize. i didnt mean to ask a question to derail the thread. thanks for noticing. and thanks for responding.

[Dice]

Who am I?

Oh sorry I'm moving this up as I've only just seen it... But to that what you asked "Who am I?"... You're you, What ever that may be... I could list things what I think you're but I don't think that would help because only you know yourself inside and out ... Maybe not right now you don't feel like you know "who you're" but inside you deep down, You do... *Well that's what I keep tell myself about me *...

Sorry if I make no sense but you should know what I'm like by now ...

[sanctuary]

Thanks Dice, thanks everyone for replying too. Sorry Hummm but on this occassion what you said just flew right over my head!

I suppose with it being such a confusing thing for me at the moment trying to find who I am underneath all the crap that wise words this time don't even register. That make sense?

So, anyway, if y'all don't mind, I'm gonna continue this thread of identity with something quite far out and see what you all think. Here goes.

My name here is Sanctuary. I am starting to 'feel' like I could pretty much be asked by someone in the street 'Hello, what is you name?' and I would be confident enough to say my name is 'Sanctuary'.

Why? Because all of my posts here, all of my threads, all of my trials and tribulations here are a reflection of the real me... the one who is actually suffering, trying to get better, and who doesn't have to wear a mask and pretend to be something I am not. I am all of myself when I am here no holds barred. I have laughed, cried, shared, received, felt, been and existed on here warts and all and so every aspect of who I am is available in the identity of 'sanctuary'.

My values, my beliefs, my reasons for living, my hopes, my dreams, my wishes and fulfillments are all here. And so I have found solace in this place. It forms part of my identity.

I can't imagine how difficult this must be to decipher from a potential plethora of identities that one could easily assume on internet boards like this but I am happy with my one here as it is the embodiment and spirit of me. Warts and all.

Thanks to this place (Josh and co and members) this place is helping me to reach out to the most disordered aspects of my personality and sort out the core identity issue which is at the heart of my Borderline Personality.

[Dani]

wow...youve come a long way

xxx

[Lanegan]

You are everything. I'm soooooo many different things, I couldn't define them all. Instead, I just let it be. Whatever is whatever. I don't even believe I have a core identity to be honest.

[sanctuary]

mmmm... pits, thanks for your input. Coz that's where I began. Feeling like I have no core identity and that has been a major problem for me because I have been unable to be just ME.

[sanctuary]

But yes Dani I really have come a long way for sure.... I know that, and only I know that really, but I'm humbled you see it too. Thank you. x

[Lanegan]

I seem to find a different reason for living every time I recover from a crisis but it always seems to be dependant on 'other people' therefore I cannot on my own find a good enough reason to exist with 'just me'.

Who I am very much depends on who's around me and what purpose I feel I have in their lives.

omg i hear all of that - u describe me surely !

i have underlying morals and values and stuff, but "who i am" is always dependent on "who i am with" or "what role i am playin" sister, daughter, workmate etc etc... the mask only comes down with one person - so i am kinda relyin on that relationship to help me work out "who i am"...

*sigh*

This is so true. As I've read in BPD books, we don't know who we are unless someone tells us and we need constant reassurance. For instance, I feel fuckin' fat and fugly until someone tells me I'm pretty. It makes me feel better, but then it goes away again. The way I feel about myself constantly changes. There are sometimes I look at myself and go "You look really good." haha but then many times I feel like I look like a monster. The way we feel about ourselves is constantly fleeting and that's annoying...and depressing as hell when you start to think the worst of yourself. I start to believe what I think and feel like it's the truth and it's really not the truth at all. It's so great to know my mind loves to play tricks on me and is dead set on making me feel like a piece of shit. Woohoooo, good times!

[Lanegan]

Oh and then again, there are times I feel like I reek of pure awesomeness and I'm the most amazing person anyone could ever know! I go from one extreme to the other. HAHA I guess I just kind of roll with the rollercoaster of emotions and try to hang on tight.

[Dice]

Thanks Dice, thanks everyone for replying too. Sorry Hummm but on this occassion what you said just flew right over my head!

I suppose with it being such a confusing thing for me at the moment trying to find who I am underneath all the crap that wise words this time don't even register. That make sense?

So, anyway, if y'all don't mind, I'm gonna continue this thread of identity with something quite far out and see what you all think. Here goes.

My name here is Sanctuary. I am starting to 'feel' like I could pretty much be asked by someone in the street 'Hello, what is you name?' and I would be confident enough to say my name is 'Sanctuary'.

Why? Because all of my posts here, all of my threads, all of my trials and tribulations here are a reflection of the real me... the one who is actually suffering, trying to get better, and who doesn't have to wear a mask and pretend to be something I am not. I am all of myself when I am here no holds barred. I have laughed, cried, shared, received, felt, been and existed on here warts and all and so every aspect of who I am is available in the identity of 'sanctuary'.

My values, my beliefs, my reasons for living, my hopes, my dreams, my wishes and fulfillments are all here. And so I have found solace in this place. It forms part of my identity.

I can't imagine how difficult this must be to decipher from a potential plethora of identities that one could easily assume on internet boards like this but I am happy with my one here as it is the embodiment and spirit of me. Warts and all.

Thanks to this place (Josh and co and members) this place is helping me to reach out to the most disordered aspects of my personality and sort out the core identity issue which is at the heart of my Borderline Personality.

Alrite Sanctuary, *shakes hand* Very pleased to meet you ... Keep all your hard working going m'dear, I wish you best of luck with it all, Not that you need any luck ...