TurquoiseGirl Posted February 15, 2010 Report Share Posted February 15, 2010 See I felt it very quickly with my boyfriend and the whole honeymoon period was fanastic. When I become unwell, I still loved him, although started worrying he was going to leave me etc. Then after feeling this anxiety and physical sickness, on the monday morning, while he was out shopping, my world turned bleak in my head. He returned from shopping and I felt absolutely nothing for him and was ridden with anxiety about this. The anxiety has subsided now (after a year and 3 months!) but the feeling of not loving him is still with me. I love nothing :-(. I wish I had the 'knowing' thing like you, but because I felt a huge love at the beginning, then nothing, I'm puzzled whether it's bpd or really just me. xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amybaby23 Posted February 15, 2010 Report Share Posted February 15, 2010 i think the knowing is me kinda of accepting this is how i love if that makes sense , i KNOW i cant love but i think the bpd stops me from being too bothered about it , i also cant cry either but i can laugh ...?... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catspiracy Posted February 16, 2010 Report Share Posted February 16, 2010 I think even the best relationships go thru their ups and downs, but I know what you mean about the intensity of the lack of intensity. I think it might be a form of dissociation, which my therapist friend blogs about often. She blogs that when the fight or flight mechanism gets over-taxed, another somatic system engages: the same one that makes antelope go limp and feel no pain when lions eat them alive. To me, that explanation means that you and i are antelopes and the world sometimes eats us alive. However, we will survive and recover! Peace, cat Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TurquoiseGirl Posted February 16, 2010 Report Share Posted February 16, 2010 Hi Cat. Yeah I've often thought about the dissociation thing. Maybe because I was feeling so anxious around him and frightened he'd leave me, I have shut off from him as a defence...but that was over a year ago and now I think maybe I'm just not meant to be with him. Oh I hate my head. I just want to feel happy with him and love him and love my puppy too. I am so very low today and wish it was my therapy day...which isn't until thursday. Sorry for the rant :-( xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
**Hope** Posted February 18, 2010 Report Share Posted February 18, 2010 I bond with animals more than humans by MILES!! All my jobs have been animal based. my best friend is my dog and my next closest friend is my horse. i put these 2 before everyone even myself, especially my dog who i live for. Animals cant let you down like humans do and they love you forever. their love and whether they are around or not only depends on us and how we treat them / what we do with them. I would probably be dead by now if it wasnt for these 2. after suicidal thoughts it is always my dog who ultimately makes the decision for me that i have to stay for him. sounds ridiculous but to me it isnt x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
angel tears Posted February 19, 2010 Report Share Posted February 19, 2010 (((((( )))))) everyone. It really is a struggle with me too. I feel very intense to start with in a relationships, then i get paranoid that he will leave me, then i swing from love to hate and complete numbness!!!!, it drives me crazy and it has been the same with every man that i have been with as i am 29 and on my 3rd husband and guess what????, we are currently seperated . I did have issues with him but i also believe that i was unwell, felt very paranoid and anxious. I believe that i love him, we still meet and spend time together but we live on our own. I want to be with him in my heart but my head wont let me. It tells me i will get hurt again :( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TurquoiseGirl Posted February 21, 2010 Report Share Posted February 21, 2010 I'm sorry to hear that Angeltears. Do you think you'll be able to resolve things with him? Or are you ok with the way things are. It's good that you feel that you love him? Did you stop loving him and go numb, then once you'd broken up, feel love again? I'm wondering if that would happen to me. I just feel so numb and irritable around him. I don't like living down here and I find I am irritable with everyone around me, not just the boyfriend. I hate being so angry inside. I just want to feel in love again because i want to be with him! But I think it's too late. :-( If I were to describe how I feel, I can't. It's like everything is foggy inside my head and like you mentioned in your post - my heart wants to be with him but my head won't let me. It's like i can't stop obsessing about not loving him. Even though he's a very lovable person. It's like i can't answer why i no longer love him. Does anyone relate to this, or am i a lost cause? xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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