foiled Posted February 17, 2010 Report Share Posted February 17, 2010 I'm so tired of trying to find out who I am. I think I find my true self and it turns out to be other me I've made up to try out. As if i were trying out a new car: "i'll give this one a spin, and if I like it I might just buy it". Sometimes I invent a me based on someone I see in Film, TV or Books. Sometimes I'll try and remember how I was as a little girl,"where did I go so wrong?" I ask myself. Then I'll try to find out how to go back to before that. Sometimes I'll meet a person, then create myself based upon what I think the person would like me to be like. Then when this person is done with me, i'll simply shed the skin and then grow a new one. I'm sick of making up all these people on the inside and the outside it's making me so tired. I feel like I have no control over this. I don't know me any more. I change colours to suit my environment, and the people in it. Initially I used this as a coping mechanism but now it's just making feel incredibly lost in a blend of colours. i feel so terrible. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sammi swann Posted February 17, 2010 Report Share Posted February 17, 2010 Hi Foiled, I can really relate to this. I've worked so much on creating this person I want to be seen as that i don't know who I am anymore. Several different personalities to fit different company/situations. If two of my worlds collided, like my parents coming to eat in the pub I used to work at, I'd hate it because my head would be so confused about who I was supposed to be then. Am I supposed to be sammi the barmaid or sammi the daughter??! There's not really an inbetween. Since I got much worse I rarely come into social situations so now I'm just this 'ill person'. I miss being the old sammi but then when I think about it I'm not even sure thats me so I don't know what or who I am. I'm just an ill person, I'll feel like I don't have a personality, I'm just a nothing, just an existance, just a physical body who's personality has gotten lost and can't be found. Its the same for me... it used to be a coping mechanism. I'm sorry you're feeling this way too and I'm sorry for rambling! sammi x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mak Posted February 17, 2010 Report Share Posted February 17, 2010 Wow, I wish was as articulate as the 2 previous posters, I feel exactly the same, but don't have the words to explain, I'm going to print this off and take to my cpn. I have various different incarnations of Mark, all can be changed to fit into the environment I'm in. I don't know who I am anymore. M x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lily-Bee Posted February 17, 2010 Report Share Posted February 17, 2010 It sounds like here posting you are your true self, revealing what is in you. Thats something to build on me thinks. Lilly Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Villan Posted February 17, 2010 Report Share Posted February 17, 2010 i compartmentalise my life work, cricket, relationships, friendships, family etc etc they usually dont mix i am several different people depending one where i am, but i see that as a safety thing, cos if one thing breaks down then the rest stay stable. this is important for work as i need to work and need to stay healthy at work in order to do this. so yeah t'is a coping mech for me too... i am currently in t figuring out who i am so that i can meld these things together and let the real me out across the board... but slowly... like i took a friend to cricket last week. this is a first for me and it went ok. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Momokani Posted February 17, 2010 Report Share Posted February 17, 2010 I dig what you mean. Often I find myself even adopting someone elses accent, mannerisms etc. Most of the time I am not aware of mimicking. I wonder if this is because I don't have my own identity and/or whether I want to be accepted. Wish I knew my identity and just be me. Sometimes I find my adopting someone elses character can be embarrassingly obvious. If I was good enough to do impersonations in order to make a living then it might just be worth it. Not sure what to suggest as I am working through this and other stuff myself. Although, your post has brought this trait to my attention again so that I can make a note of it in my 'book of rants' and show the doc. Thanks Momokani Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
foiled Posted February 18, 2010 Author Report Share Posted February 18, 2010 Thanks for the support everyone who posted. It's validating when people just reply to a post of mine because I felt like a major head case before I wrote it and then after I wrote it as well. But when I returned to the forum today and saw that some people had replied I felt both relieved and comforted that people understood what I'd written and could relate to it. So thank you all for the support Peace, -Chloe X Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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