AveMaria Posted February 25, 2010 Report Share Posted February 25, 2010 I've been really hoping third time was the charm and that I wouldn't get ppd very badly this time around, but once I realized that I no longer feel anything at all for my three children... obviously it has snuck up on me. Now I'm scared to be alone with them as I just feel nothing. I don't want to take care of them, and it wouldn't bother me if I wouldn't. I just don't care. My middle daughter got sick and I took her to the hospital last night, I had her wipe her own nose, knowing she'd smear it all around and look pathetic. The whole time I was hoping someone would look at her and think she looked so bad, I obviously wasn't taking care of her and they'd take her away. It totally backfired though, somehow I must be too much of a perfectionist or something cause everyone there thought she was so adorable and kept saying how good of a mom I must be since she was acting so well, while being sick! AHHHHH! Yet one more time I see the world so differently from others! Anyway... realizing I was desperate and out of it enough that I actually want child services to take my children away, and I can't feel anything made me make an appointment for post partum depression. I have it in a few hours and I don't know what to say. When I try to talk about it, I just start crying, but I can't cry in front of strangers, so then I'm worried I will just lie like I always do. How can I explain that its not so much that I am depressed feeling, but that I can't feel all the love I know I have for my children and it is scaring me? I need help and I'm scared. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brightnight Posted February 25, 2010 Report Share Posted February 25, 2010 could you print this off and show it to them? i can't offer any constructive advice, i can't imagine how you must be feeling right now. i can't even think of the right words to say, but i really hope you get the help you need <3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roxy222 Posted February 25, 2010 Report Share Posted February 25, 2010 ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((ave)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) wish i cd be there to give you a real hug, and a break from kids for time for yourself take care lovely xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted February 25, 2010 Report Share Posted February 25, 2010 That is an excellent suggestion to print it off and show them Ave. Can I just say that over the little while (year and a bit) that I have been on here, prior to this post, you have always had such enthusiasm for life and a deep-rooted love for your children. Honey, I know it may not make any sense right now but it is the PPD speaking, not you. Think about it, you are tearful, detatched and probably feel really, really low. It is because your body is all changing and the hormones are all over the place and I totally feel for you. I have been through it twice and after that they agreed to sterilise me at age 28 cos my PPD was so bad. Just lean on your friends hun, you can get through this. You are doing the right thing asking for help. I know it's hard but you WILL get through this. xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dani Posted February 25, 2010 Report Share Posted February 25, 2010 i agree with all of th above ave.im sorry your goin through this. im glad you are getting help with this.what does your hubby say? i hope appt goes well xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AveMaria Posted February 25, 2010 Author Report Share Posted February 25, 2010 Not sure how to feel yet. I made it to the appointment though, which is a first and they gave me a prescription for zoloft. We'll see, I guess. Thank you all for your replies. xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted February 25, 2010 Report Share Posted February 25, 2010 One step at a time. You did good going to the appt hun. Rest up now and hopefully we can speak at a later date. xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wobbles Posted February 25, 2010 Report Share Posted February 25, 2010 Oh Ave, i'm so sorry this has crept up on you for the third time round. It's not your fault, and you absolutely did the right thing asking for help. You know you love your other kids, and it's just the stupid PPD making you think and feel things that aren't real. Hopefully the medication will kick in fast, i know when i started zoloft last year, it was working within a week, i hope the same is for you. Also, have a look for some support groups in your area. Do your other two kids go to school, or daycare or anything like that to give you a little break during the week? I know i'm really worried about getting it again after this baby is born, so i really am feeling for you. I was so hoping it wouldn't happen for you this time round. But there is help, and we're all here for you. xxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AveMaria Posted February 25, 2010 Author Report Share Posted February 25, 2010 Thank you Roses and Wobbles for your support. I'm really paranoid about having a mh diagnosis on my medical record, I don't know why as I've struggled for over a decade with issues and obviously haven't dealt that great with them on my own. But... its still there. Now I don't want to take the medicine, but hubby is all for it, so I will probably try starting it tonight. The diagnosis is already on my record now anyways and it doesn't make any sense not to try taking something that could make me feel a lot better. I just feel like such a failure. Maybe the meds will help that too though. Things have been pretty rough lately so hopefully that will improve soon. A lot of it is our too small house though and lack of sleep though. It is almost impossible for me to get away at all, even for like 5 minutes. Our bedroom is also Nathaniels bedroom, the living room, the girl's playroom, and the office. Then there is just the kitchen, bathroom, and the girl's bedroom... so there is nowhere for me to go ever! It is horrible and I feel so trapped. We'll just have to try something new though as the house isn't going to change any time soon, nor is the cold weather. xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amybaby23 Posted February 25, 2010 Report Share Posted February 25, 2010 Hey Ave , u know u should be really proud of urself for identifying u do need help thats the biggest hurdle now i strongly agree with the guys n gals above about printing this off , you have done the hardest part by admitting it to yourself . I struggle too im petrified i cannot love my son and im ashamed of that fact .Seriously well done ...i really hope u get help and respite its doesnt have to be long term either u can have help how ever u want to get it ..be well..x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wobbles Posted February 25, 2010 Report Share Posted February 25, 2010 Ave, i know exactly how you're feeling, in regards to feeling like a complete failure. I feel overwhelmed with it every single day, and it's so soul destroying. Maybe it would be a good idea if you could find some sort of daycare, nursery, kindergarten, something where you can put your older kids in for a day or two per week, to give you some time with Nathaniel, and time to catch up on sleep, and time for you. It's not failing to need a break, every mother needs it, time to recharge. Happy mummy means happy kiddies and at the moment you need to do whatever you can to make it a bit easier on you. I would definitely recommend taking the medicine, it can't hurt, and might make things so much better and easier. You don't have to do this alone. Have you got any family or friends who can help out? xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AveMaria Posted February 26, 2010 Author Report Share Posted February 26, 2010 Well I started the meds last night. Either the meds or just the relief that things should start to get better soon helped me to actually get some sleep last night. Today is going much better than most have lately, which is a good start. My husband and I may also try to get a babysitter so we could go out on a date this weekend now that our children are finally getting over their colds, and my daughters medicine has kicked in so she isn't contagious and her fever has finally broken. (She also finally slept last night and Nathaniel slept 3 hours straight!!!) xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
angel tears Posted March 1, 2010 Report Share Posted March 1, 2010 Hi Just wanted to offer my support too as i had ppd too and it was very hard, i am glad that you had a good day, hows things now?. I found that extra support helped me, i went to a group for ppd and i tried meds. Also got a mental health asessment and some extra support from social services who helped me to bond by helping me with play groups etc. Hope you are feeling a little better with your meds x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AveMaria Posted March 2, 2010 Author Report Share Posted March 2, 2010 So far I dont like the meds at all. I just feel lethargic. I don't feel like leaving anymore, but its only because that would take too much effort. I don't feel like doing anything, just standing seems to take too much effort. I still feel like a failure and I still don't want to be here. Yeah, I'm not upset or crying, but thats because nothing seems worth getting upset over. The only thing I like is that it makes me not want to eat, so the rest of the baby weight will be lost a lot quicker. Its only been a few days though and I'm not even on a full dose yet though, so we will see. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dani Posted March 2, 2010 Report Share Posted March 2, 2010 aww hun... give it some time.you are doing really good just trying these things.it may take a while for you to get used to the meds. pm me anytime.xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted March 3, 2010 Report Share Posted March 3, 2010 awww babe, the lethargy should wear off after a couple of weeks. What tablets are you on? x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AveMaria Posted April 9, 2010 Author Report Share Posted April 9, 2010 I was on zoloft, but I stopped taking it a week or 2 ago. I stayed on it for over a month and the lethargy never got better. It just made things worse. I couldn't even follow a conversation and could barely walk. I don't know wht to do now, things are worse than ever. I hate my life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dani Posted April 9, 2010 Report Share Posted April 9, 2010 ave,so sorry your experiencing this.can you go back to doctors and get alternative meds that wont effect you that way? xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AveMaria Posted April 9, 2010 Author Report Share Posted April 9, 2010 I should, but I haven't been able to make myself go back. I'm jut a bigger failure now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dani Posted April 9, 2010 Report Share Posted April 9, 2010 your not a failure ave,just at least think about it.maybe if someone come with you for support? have you spoke to your hubby?you dont hav to go through all this alone xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AveMaria Posted April 9, 2010 Author Report Share Posted April 9, 2010 Its not worth bothering. He's annoyed everything has fallen apart while I don't seem to e doing anything. He gets mad if I cry and he doesnt like whining. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AveMaria Posted April 9, 2010 Author Report Share Posted April 9, 2010 I don't have anyone else who cares about me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dani Posted April 9, 2010 Report Share Posted April 9, 2010 oh hun...please try go to docs for your sake.you dont have to feel this way. i hope you get help x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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