Lapwing Posted February 26, 2010 Report Share Posted February 26, 2010 I'm so disgusted with myself. I hate the bulimia. No-one knows about it. I just wish it would go away. I've been treated for it so many times and I just want it to go. Such a fat disgusting bitch Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rainbow Tears Posted February 26, 2010 Report Share Posted February 26, 2010 (((((((((((((((lapwing)))))))))))))))))) I feel your pain. I hate bulimia too but I can't seem to get rid of it.... xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sammi swann Posted February 26, 2010 Report Share Posted February 26, 2010 sorry you're feeling this way lapwing, I too have struggled with bulimia for along time and have the very same thoughts. But you aren't alone... people are always here if you want to chat. PM me anytime xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lapwing Posted February 28, 2010 Author Report Share Posted February 28, 2010 I'm disgusting Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benway Posted February 28, 2010 Report Share Posted February 28, 2010 Hi Lapwing, you're not disgusting. I have an ED too that messes with my head. take care , here if you want to talk- badkitteh, x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lapwing Posted March 2, 2010 Author Report Share Posted March 2, 2010 thank you, that means a lot. i just hate it. I wish it would go away. Actually, no, I wish I could go back to being anorexic, be skinny and beautiful not fat and ugly. God, I just hate it all. Sorry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rainbow Tears Posted March 2, 2010 Report Share Posted March 2, 2010 I was never anorexic but I got down to 107lbs. I just wish I could be back there again so that I could starve myself lower. I know how you feel but I don't know how to fix it. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
K8tus Posted March 2, 2010 Report Share Posted March 2, 2010 Hi Lapwing, Sorry to hear that you are finding things so difficult with your bulimia at the moment, though I do know exactly how that feels and have been really struggling myself lately. I have recently been diagnosed as bulimic, so I totally understand and can relate to the thoughts that go with it, though at the end of the day that is all they are thoughts and feelings that the ed/bulimic voice makes us believe, because they have such power/control and grip over our minds. When I was 14, I developed anorexia, so I also understand how hard anorexia can be aswell and although i'm no longer unhealthily underweight and wouldn't be classed as anorexic, the thoughts etc are still with me, just a little more dormant at the moment, because bulimia has taken over for the time being. I'm sure your not disgusting or ugly at all, you have an eating disorder, which is classed as a mental health illness aswell as a physical illness, because it involves the mind, so as "badkitteh" said, it messes with your head! You say you wish you could go back to being anorexic, being skinny and beautiful, though when you see pictures of people who are anorexic, do you really feel that they look beautiful and would you truly be happy if you were back to being anorexic? I think deep down you know the answer would be NO, but because you are finding things so tough at the minute, your ed mind is telling you that being skinny again will be the answer to all of your problems, when in fact it won't be, because feelings/emotions won't have been dealt with, they will just have been overidden by a different kind of ed and you will still be in a vicious/destructive cycle, just of a slightly different kind to bulimia. You say no one knows about it, though if you have been treated for it before, surely this must mean that people do know about it? Could you not get back in contact with the people who helped with treatment before and maybe see if they could recommend any different treatment options available? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lapwing Posted March 2, 2010 Author Report Share Posted March 2, 2010 Thank you for the replies and understanding. K8tus, what you said made a lot of sense. Its funny what you say about getting in touch with the people who treated me before, last night I cried thinking about my old psychologist who was like a god send to me, I discharged myself too early and now I've moved to a different county so I couldn't speak to her anyway. maybe I need to pluck up courage and speak to my CPN when I see her on friday? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
K8tus Posted March 3, 2010 Report Share Posted March 3, 2010 Aww i'm glad what I said made sense, I got so caught up in what I was writing, I wasn't sure whether it would make that much sense. That's great that your old psychologist was so good and as you put it "like a godsend to you". Even though your old phychologist may not be able to help you face to face, due to you having moved to a different county, just hearing her voice again may be of some help/reassurance for you and she may even be able to support you over the phone, could be worth a try? Especially as it's clear you hit it off with her and she helped you alot, it can be very rare for a health professional to come along who totally gets everything about us and who is good for us, so it seems ashame to let her completely slip away. I'm sure she'd love to hear from you and help if she can! Though yeah, when you see your CPN on friday, i'd definitely talk to her about things and the way you're feeling. Good luck hun, let me know how you get on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lapwing Posted March 3, 2010 Author Report Share Posted March 3, 2010 it's years since I was treated by her, I don't suppose she'd even remember me. I'll just have to try to talk to my CPN about it I guess Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
just.me Posted March 3, 2010 Report Share Posted March 3, 2010 Hey Lapwing Skinny is not necessarily beautiful, bones sticking out is not that pleasing on the eye, clothes don't hang right, gaunt features. It is your perception of yourself it is warped. Getting help to retrain your thinking is what you need, would DBT not work? I think I am fucking huge, but it has never manifested itself into an ED. But whilst I am overweight well I think so, I am not huge, it is just how I see myself, I refuse to look in full length mirrors. I have not looked in one for a year now. You are not ugly, you are not fat, you are unwell. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lapwing Posted March 4, 2010 Author Report Share Posted March 4, 2010 Hi Sioux, I know logically that skinny isn't good, I know that I'm only a bit heavier than my natural weight, and that the weight gain is caused by meds. My husband says he loves me as I am, even my tummy. But my emotions won't accept it. The more I hear about DBT the more I think it would help me. How do I go about accessing it? Thanks xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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