sarey92 Posted March 6, 2010 Report Share Posted March 6, 2010 Okay, I'm really, really scared, and I want to actually die right now. I struggle severely with all of the symptoms of dependent personality disorder, just so you're all clear on why I'm like this and why this is in the PD part of the forum. I have a close close close friend, closest friend ever, he's my dad, (not biologically, unfortunately), we're extremely close, I trust him more than anyone else in my life, we are very close, and I'm extremely attached to him, very clingy, very dependent on him, and I get very jealous, scared and anxious when he even talks to other people or goes into a relationship or gets close to someone else. He kissed someone he likes, and she has 2 kids. The 2 kids part scares me more. I'M his little girl. I'M his whole world. No one else. Just me. He's mine... my daddy... no one else s... just mine. Without him, I don't know what I'd do, probably kill myself... If anything changes between us... no, just... no. NO. I know I sound like a spoiled brat but it's because I'm so dependent on him and so clingy and so attached, a lot of shit that's gone down in my life is probably not helping this whole situation. They are not pursuing a relationship right now, but you have no idea how scared and jealous and anxious I am right now because of the possibility of this happening. I'm freaking out. He is being very understanding and he knows of my problems with DPD and BPD and such, he's been reassuring me and supporting me and everything, he expected this reaction, and he's not mad or upset, he knows how much I struggle with this, but my god, what do I do? I'm so scared and I'm so jealous and I'm so anxious, more so scared than any of the others. HELP ME. I don't want people saying "oh get over it, stop being such a selfish bitch", I need people who gets this and who can support me. Please. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lapwing Posted March 6, 2010 Report Share Posted March 6, 2010 (((hugs))) I don't know what to suggest but I'll listen any time, I'm sorry you're going through this xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted March 6, 2010 Report Share Posted March 6, 2010 Hi Puppy Pup Im not sure that you will find this helpful, it may even just annoy you - if so, I hope something else comes along for you. Its the one thing I know about that I can think of that could help, but if its useless then feel free to ignore. The therapy I have - schema therapy - recognises broad categories of emotional problems and splits them into 'schemas' - patterns of living and relating if you like. They relate very strongly to personality disorders and strong underlying charcter based problems. There are a number of schemas, with names like the abandonment schema, defectiveness and so on. There is a schema called "Dependence and Incompetence", and I read that they think that DPD is like a pure form of this schema. In case you are offended by the incompetence part of the title, its more a learned thing, the feeling that you cannot survive without someone to always be there and do the things of life for you. Maybe do some research into the the dependence schema, start by checking out a book called "Reinventing Your Life" (the schema therapy manual) and read the chapter on the dependence schema. Other than that, I dont know of any therapies that work on dependence in quite such a targeted way. Ross Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dani Posted March 6, 2010 Report Share Posted March 6, 2010 Hi puppy... its not a nice feeling at all.i do get this.i get how your feeling although it is probabably harder for you as you dont have anyone else...this man is oviously your support too. I have in the past become very dependant on someone... and when he met someone else i was insanley jealous and it made me feel ill. i thought he wouldnt bother with me...that he would be too busy to be part of my life.but in truth he still made time for me. It sounds like you have a real bond with this man and he really cares about you.i am sure thats not going to change if he meets someone else or bonds with their kids. like you say...they havent started seeing eachother yet,they may not even start. humm mabbe has given some great advice...and the book is very helpful. x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sarey92 Posted March 7, 2010 Author Report Share Posted March 7, 2010 theyre dating! i want to cry and hurt myself hes going to forget all about me hes going to get close with her and maybe even her kids oh god oh god no no no i feel like killing myself hes my only only dad and good person in my life hes the only one hes my world hes everything its all going to disappear no no no im so scared want to cry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carlylight1 Posted March 7, 2010 Report Share Posted March 7, 2010 don't know if you read what i put when u posted this topic in a different section? dunno if it was any use to you but that was all i could think to suggest. take care and i really believe you can get through this x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sarey92 Posted March 7, 2010 Author Report Share Posted March 7, 2010 i did read it but it didnt help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted March 7, 2010 Report Share Posted March 7, 2010 Hi Puppy The difficulty with DPD is that you are going to want, and feel entitled, to have someone solve your problems for you and give you the answer. The place you need to get to is actually independence - the ability to solve your own problems and believe you can cope alone. The paradox of treating DPD is that the more others help, the more they feed it. You need to find some part of you that really wants to finally be able to do this alone, and to believe that you are stronger and more capable than you are. The hard part is going to be giving up the sense that others should and must provide the answers for you. Whilst the milk of human kindness is a vital part of living, it’s your addiction to it that is the basis of your DPD. No one here is going to be able to say any one thing that will change your life. If you are hoping that someone is going to say the one thing that will suddenly part the curtains for you, you are always going to be disappointed. It is going to take a very long time, and it’s going to make you angry, annoyed - it’s going to make you feel frustrated at people for not giving you the answer that you feel others must give you. That is part of your own personal struggle here. But by giving up the belief in your vital need for others to support you, you can ultimately gain something far more precious – even though right now it may look like anything but. Letting go of dependence is going to feel like letting go of a life ring when you are stuck in the sea in the middle of a storm - it feels like that’s the only option you have and letting go equals death. There is something else out there, but you maybe feel your only chance is to make that life ring work. Your challenges are different to other peoples here. You have added and unique struggles to face. But just like everyone else, you need to take the first step on a long journey. There is no short route out of any personality disorder. I know that may make you angry and upset to read it, maybe you have heard it again and again. That doesn’t stop it from being true. The path out of dependence is not relying on someone else to make you feel better - that’s the path back into dependence. Therapy can and does help, but its main aim will be to counter dependence by helping you find your own answers – not to hand them to you. The path out is that terrifying one, that results in your INdependence. Ross Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sarey92 Posted March 7, 2010 Author Report Share Posted March 7, 2010 I cannot be independent, I have had to be independent all of my fucking life because of being neglected and abused, and this person I am extremely dependent on and he lets me be dependent on him and he understands why because of my shitty fucked up past, he understands all of this, he knows why, he knows what's led to this, and he gets it. I'm dependent so much on him and I feel like without him I'll die, he's my life and he's my everything and I don't trust anyone else like him and he's my whole world. If that changes, I'll kill myself. I've been independent before, plenty, more than enough for a KID to have to be. It's fucked me up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carlylight1 Posted March 7, 2010 Report Share Posted March 7, 2010 i never said it would be easy. there are no easy answers to this. i've got a dependent personality too. all i'm saying is if he's worth keeping you're going to have to work at it and change your thinking. is he worth that? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted March 7, 2010 Report Share Posted March 7, 2010 Hi Puppy Being forced to cope alone isnt the same thing as believing that you can survive alone. The feelings you have right now around this guy are showing you that - you feel that without him, literally everything will fall apart. He represents more than love to you - he almost seems to represent survival itself. The abuse issues add yet another level to this, they pour fuel on the fire for you. To cope with the feelings that are still inside of you around that, you are needing this guy because he is the one thing that has ever made you feel safe and heard. I had perhaps wrongly guessed you posted this question because you wanted to know what to do about your DPD. But the things that are hurting right now, the things that are producing so much fear and upset for you, are fanning the flames of it. Just like I said above, the guy that you are terrified of losing is your life ring. You feel like you are about to lose him, and that would scare anybody. The inetnsity of the feelings you are having are at least in part down to your DPD as well though. Its extremely hard to work on the underpinnings of a mental illness when you are caught up in its most painful and compelling effects. Maybe now is not the right time for you to be looking with any depth into what you can do to overcome this, because right now the question you are really asking is "how can I stop this person from leaving me". In the long term, the desperate sense of need and the fear of abandonment may come to be less, but I think right now you are suffering from so much fear of abandonment, of losing something that feels so vital and precious, that perhaps long term practical advice isnt what you need right now. When you posted the original question, what was it that you were most wanting? Fpr this guy not to leave you, or to begin to be free from DPD? Thats not so much a question I want answered, as maybe something you might ask yourself. Ross Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sarey92 Posted March 7, 2010 Author Report Share Posted March 7, 2010 dont tell me how much hes worth to me, Its NOT my fucking fault that i suffer from this or that im feeling this way, so dont tell me hes worth less because im suffering from this and because im trapped inside of this, I do want him to be happy, IM NOT STOPPING HIM FROM DOING THAT, Im not stopping ANYTHING here, all Im doing is expressing myself. I just wanted support and help, i wanted people to understand, I wanted people to empathize and not judge me and to get that this is so much more than just get over it, or its so much more than just "oh accept it, hes worth that much isnt he?" YES HES FREAKING WORTH THAT MUCH BUT I CANNOT FUCKING HELP HOW I FEEL OR HOW MUCH THIS IS AFFECTING ME! Its not as if Im getting in the way of him and this girl, Im just telling him and you people how i feel and how this is affecting me! Dammit. I didnt fucking ask for that, i didnt ask for people to doubt how much he means to me, CLEARLY he means MY LIFE! He means EVERYTHING to me, hes MY LIFE! But I suffer tremendously from this stupid fucking dependency, and all i wanted from this post was people to support me, reassure me, understand me, relate to me, thats all i wanted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted March 7, 2010 Report Share Posted March 7, 2010 Good luck, hope you find some answers Ross Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carlylight1 Posted March 7, 2010 Report Share Posted March 7, 2010 i can relate to you. i've taken overdoses because people have left me. i would rather have been dead. i have been severely beaten and attacked with a broken bottle and spent weeks in hospital because i couldn't get over my dependancy problems. i am not over it but i've learnt i've got to try something to get over it. my old attitude was NOT working Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dani Posted March 7, 2010 Report Share Posted March 7, 2010 Puppy...you have supportive responses here,people trying to help. no-one is implying he is not that important to you.just trying to help and relate a little. i understand your angry.as i said i have been through simlar but my fears were unfounded. i would suggest speaking to him about your fears...he sounds like he really cares for you so i am sure he will reassure you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sarey92 Posted March 7, 2010 Author Report Share Posted March 7, 2010 you cannot just GET OVER dpd. just as you cant just GET OVER any damn mental health illness/disorder. If it were that freaking easy millions would have by now. Dani Im not saying people are not being supportive but as usual Im focusing on the negative and feel like Im not being supported very much here. more judged and being doubted with how severe this is and how much he is worth just because I am suffering so much with this and because i cant "get over" this. He is asleep right now, but i will talk to him when he gets up. Hes been feeling very low and Ive been trying to comfort him and support him, so I dont want to cause anymore problems for him, but he seems to be doing a bit better. which is very good. I dont like to see him down. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Villan Posted March 7, 2010 Report Share Posted March 7, 2010 i understand puppy... i am co-dependent and i know the feelings associated with that are similar to dpd... it is not something you can just switch off... the feelings cant be rationalised and they wont magically go away with words and advice... i also understand the anger associated with fear of abandonment and rejection... they are both disorders born of dysfunctional upbringing and in my case, the anger is made worse by that... dunno what else to say really... just wanted tell u that i relate... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Squeakybird Posted March 7, 2010 Report Share Posted March 7, 2010 Hi Pup. I recently talked to my therapist about something similar you described. She asked me a question in the "feeling abandoned" category. The answer I came up with eventually is that when I am with somebody I am emotionally attached to and somebody else threatens that, there is an intense feeling of inferiority and fear inside me. I want them to choose; I cannot share. I said that I feel like I will disappear if the other has an attachment with another. Later, I thought that I also feel unimportant, that I don't matter, that they like the other better than me. My therapist said that it stems from shame ... that I don't feel that I'm good enough. I'm tired of feeling fear and controlling behavior. SIGH. I know most of the world feels this way to some degree, but it's not a problem to be fixed if it doesn't interfere with your life. It does with miine. I'm so tired of feeling bad and angry! (I'm 46). Squeakybird. PM me if you want to respond to me. I am not on the forum anymore. I just happened upon your post. xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sarey92 Posted March 7, 2010 Author Report Share Posted March 7, 2010 *sighs of relief* I'm really glad you two can relate to this, I'm just sorry you suffer too... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Villan Posted March 7, 2010 Report Share Posted March 7, 2010 it is actually more common than people realise... i think there are alot of us about... ((((((((((puppy))))))))) (((((((squeaky))))))) thing is, the feelings we feel about sharing other people are not the same as simply being jealous... it is way way more than that... i think that is what other people have difficulty understanding... it is not as simple as recognising that this is unhealthy and doing something about it - i think we are all inteligent enough to know this, but knowing and doing are worlds apart... it has taken me about 19 odd years of suffering just to get to the realisation phase of this horrid thing... i have heard it also catagorised as a kind of addiction... maybe that thought may help you a lil... dunno... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sarey92 Posted March 7, 2010 Author Report Share Posted March 7, 2010 i'm not like trying to stop him from seeing this girl, but i just wanted to express myself, he knows this, i thought you all would too, i don't try and manipulate or bribe him or any of that, i'm not that cruel, so i don't not share him, it just affects me severely and i get extremely frightened and very vulnerable. but i think people have trouble understanding this is SO much more than just "so and so", it's an illness, like borderline personality disorder, it is a illness and for many, a very severe debilitating one at that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Villan Posted March 7, 2010 Report Share Posted March 7, 2010 sorry - i dint mean to imply that you didnt want to share him - i meant that the feelings that you feel around doing this - the abandoment and stuff actually feel horrid to you and can be overwhelming... and that is often misconstrued as simple jealousy by people who dont understand... it certainly ISNT as simple as this (as you said)... sorry i didnt put it very well... and yeah it is an illness, it is NOT acting out, it is NOT being selfish, it is how we have learned to behave due to circumstances in our past... and it cant just be switched off... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sarey92 Posted March 7, 2010 Author Report Share Posted March 7, 2010 no no evil chips I'm just explaining(perhaps a bit over explaining myself as usual) here, trying to get out my thoughts, bit too many of them here, want to make it clear what I mean, I apologize. Im not offended by you at all. I really appreciate that you post here and can relate to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Villan Posted March 7, 2010 Report Share Posted March 7, 2010 its ok - i can be a lil over-defensive too...... i am glad that you can talk to him about your feelings, that is important and i hope when yuo talk to him later that it goes well... i think that the problem with alot of people's reactions, is that this stuff actually hits home to them as familiar behaviour, but as i am sure you know, it isnt a nice thing to admit and people get over defensive about it... by nature (as i have already said) this stuff is born of dysfunctional upbringing and that can be riddled with denial by the adult-child... i know, personally, i thought that my upbringing was just fine - when actually it wasnt - but as i said it took me 19 years to work that out, admit it and accept it... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sarey92 Posted March 7, 2010 Author Report Share Posted March 7, 2010 im really really really glad you can admit that now, and accept that, its very good ! *is proud of you* I am here for you anytime if you wanna talk about it. I think because I had to be independent (and still do) in this house and with my family and biological parents, (also had to take care of my own mother due to her being an alcoholic, while my narcissistic sister would just laugh and not help me and at 9 yrs of age, was left alone in the house with my 7 yr old step brother at my biological fathers house and had to take care of myself and him) that now I finally can be dependent on someone else... be taken cared of... be cared for... be loved... I know im so dependent on him, I live for him, I really would die without him, I cant live without him, and I know for a fact if ANYTHING changes, at all, even just a tiny thing, between us, I'd go out of control and I would go nuts... Hes my life, my world, my everything, I love him so much, I do feel selfish, I do feel horrible about this, about what i feel and think, but... I cant help it, I cant control it,... wish i could, but i cant. :( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.