'the Quiet Borderline'

[MelodieDAme]

The title is from an article, in case anyone objects to being called 'a borderline' rather than someone 'with BPD'.

Article is here - http://borderlineper...iet-borderline/

I was wondering if any of you are quiet borderlines?

I am very, very certain that I am but have just recently (past month) seen people about it.

Am now on anti-ds (Citalopram, 20mg) recommended by my GP. My other GP

got me a referral which I had today, but the woman, when I said I thought I had BPD,

looked very shocked and negative.

I told her reasons why and she just gave the same old rubbish about being in a sliding scale and how

'everyone in this building could fit into a PD'.

So my other signs of BPD mean NOTHING just because my s/h isn't fatal, and I'm not

drinking to excess, or gambling or spending excessively? I know what I feel

and who I am, and I also know that they won't listen to me and so I clam up

or go quiet and just go along with what they say.

Sorry for that bit of rant, but do any of you have experience

as 'quiet borderlines' and has anybody noticed? I.e. were

you told it's just depression, did you get a dx (diagnosis)?

M x

[Edit to make sentences run longer across screen = easier to read.]

[catspiracy]

The way "Rachel" describes it could have been a page from my own diary.

[MelodieDAme]

The way "Rachel" describes it could have been a page from my own diary.

Exactly. Do you mind me asking if you have a dx?

I was just wondering if professionals tend to see it...

M x

[just.me]

I neither drink or SH, I don't pop drugs either, but I do display 8 of the BPD traits.

I am waiting for a Psych appointment, I want a name for my behaviour, I class myself as a sufferer cos it fits with my life.

I fight any health professional who tries to tell me I don't have it too. I just want the DBT.

[catspiracy]

The way "Rachel" describes it could have been a page from my own diary.

Exactly. Do you mind me asking if you have a dx?

I was just wondering if professionals tend to see it...

M x

nope, I'm diagnosed bipolar II, but i self diagnosed and i'm doing self dbt and i self medicate.....I'm a do-it-yourself mental patient! hehe

[MelodieDAme]

I neither drink or SH, I don't pop drugs either, but I do display 8 of the BPD traits.

I am waiting for a Psych appointment, I want a name for my behaviour, I class myself as a sufferer cos it fits with my life.

I fight any health professional who tries to tell me I don't have it too. I just want the DBT.

Exactly. People keep telling me that labels don't mean anything and once they're on, they're hard to get off

but I would REALLY appreciate it if someone for once in my life took the time out to validate what

I *know* to be true... and to be honest, I could live with the stigma of a label, as

hard as it may be, than live with so much more uncertainty without one,

thinking I have cooked-up all my problems and am making a fuss over nothing and am really 'ok'.

nope, I'm diagnosed bipolar II, but i self diagnosed and i'm doing self dbt and i self medicate.....I'm a do-it-yourself mental patient! hehe

Ah! Hehe . I'm glad that's working for you.

Docs, or MH professionals don't really ever want to listen if you try and self-diagnose as BPD.

They think I have just got all my info from books and just want to believe I have something

I don't. They haven't lived my life. Frustrating!

M x

[foiled]

Thank you for sharing that link, Melodie.

i am sorry the person you saw dismissed what you feel you have you so readily.

i myself have been diagnosed with bpd.

i turn my rage inward, though that was not always the case. i think, looking back i started repressing my rage (unconsciously) when i saw what it was doing to other people

(the people i loved) i used to rage from age 12, i'm not sure if it was the onset to the bpd or what it was?

when i was diagnosed i looked back at the years before and saw how much pain i'd caused people . i couldn't bear to put them through anymore pain so ever since i've turned that rage inward and now it sits inside me and stews.

i hope you find what you're looking for in regards to a diagnosis x

[Data]

I first went to a doctor to complain that I "must have a medical problem that stops me getting on with people" around 1987, and he told me to get a hobby. I've been bashing my head against a brick wall ever since trying to get some help.

Yesterday my psychiatrist agreed that I have BPD. He said that "the diagnostic criteria are a bit limiting.. a kind of tick box approach". He asked me if I self-harmed in ANY way. I had bitten and picked my finger and I noticed at that point that it was bleeding!

I have become 'quiet' with age. I turned 37 two days ago. When I was younger I would act out more but now I have learned not to. That does not necessarily make me happy though, although I am improving.

[Tray]

hi, i was dx with depression first, when i was, and that stuck untill i was 31 when eventually i got the BPD dx. i dont sh that bad, but i do swap my sh traits, cutting, drinking to excess, sex, food etc

i think there are diff levels of bpd. i am told i am a high achieving bpd cause i have been married, can hold down a relationship and a full time job and a social life, to some extent, as i am a good role player x

[lauraw2693]

Thats a very interesting article, I would say I too am like 'Rachel'.. Really nice to read something thats a bit more concerned with the individual rather than the reputation of the diagnosis.

[MelodieDAme]

Thank you for sharing that link, Melodie.

i couldn't bear to put them through anymore pain so ever since i've turned that rage inward and now it sits inside me and stews.

i hope you find what you're looking for in regards to a diagnosis x

That's ok. It's sad that your rage is turned towards yourself but I totally understand the feeling of not wanting to hurt anybody else

with it .

Thanks. x

I have become 'quiet' with age. I turned 37 two days ago. When I was younger I would act out more but now I have learned not to. That does not necessarily make me happy though, although I am improving.

Wow, what a bad doc! That's terrible. Same with me. Just because we may seem happier...means nothing. x

hi, i was dx with depression first, when i was, and that stuck untill i was 31 when eventually i got the BPD dx. i dont sh that bad, but i do swap my sh traits, cutting, drinking to excess, sex, food etc

i think there are diff levels of bpd. i am told i am a high achieving bpd cause i have been married, can hold down a relationship and a full time job and a social life, to some extent, as i am a good role player x

I think if I drank alcohol I definitely would swap... I have from bingeing to cutting, anyway.

I feel I am high-functioning too, because most people have *no* clue about anything

I am going through.

Thats a very interesting article, I would say I too am like 'Rachel'.. Really nice to read something thats a bit more concerned with the individual rather than the reputation of the diagnosis.

It is, definitely.

x

[last_time_lucky]

I too consider myself to be a 'quiet borderline'. And like melodie I'm desperate for dx. I recently tried to discuss BPD with my psych doc and he dismissed me immediately because I'm so secretive about my feelings and don't 'act out'. This upset me, but I understood what he meant and went back to the drawing board, where I come across 'quiet bpd' which described me perfectly. Now I am between doctors as the last one has left... I hope I have the courage to open up to the next one, and more importantly I hope I'm not dismissed again.

If anyone has anymore info/resources on this subject I would be very grateful.

Helen x

[AccidentalBully]

hi melodie xx

i have been trying to get to the bottom of my crazoness for 10 yrs!

i have only just got an official dx of bpd, with anti-social pd traits.

i still find it hard to believe this is an accurate dx. i convinced myself i had bipolar.

i am only just facing my past of sexual abuse. apparently this has brought on my bpd.

however i don't think i display hardly any of the criteria for bpd.

i don't self harm, never have. i am far more likely to hurt someone else when i flip out.

i do have very impulsive behaviour though, and have learnt to manipulate people to my advantage. i am never nasty in doing this, i just find it easier to be in control rather than let others control me.

i am not needy of people or jump from one relationship to another. in fact i have been with my partner for 11 yrs, and we finally married this year!

i have 3 children and am pregnant with our 4th. all my kids have the same father.

i do not understand why they have given me this dx. i think it is easier for them to put me into a common category, so it easy to "treat" me.

i think there is something far more complex going on with me. i am a very high functioning person, but have major short terms "crashes".

i feel like my life is spiraling out of control.

so now i am just happy if they treat my symptoms. stop me raging before i am violent to my loved ones, stop me making drastic changes in my life and allow my family some settled peace for a perios of time. stop my moods swinging from intense highs to uncontrolable lows.

i would love to be a reliable valued member of society rather than this unpredictable whirlwind.

sorry for my longwinded waffle on your thread, but what you said struck a chord with me.

for the last 10 yrs i have been swatted away like an annoying fly by g.p's all over the country, and given anti-depressants.

i am fed up with this excuse given to patients.

i think it's becuase we visit the dr's when we feel sad and vunerable, but have our heads together enough to actually make an app and see it through.

melodie, don't give up hope. keep going back to the dr's if you can. and try to take close friends and family too, they can explain your behaviour from a different pespective.

don't give up. if you pester them enough, you will finally find someone who listens and hopefully understands your struggles and your pain.

xx

[redhed26]

hey, i have all the symptoms of bpd, especially fear of abandonment and self destructive behaviour. i dont wanna dx. im happy just knowing my behaviour is not 'normal'. i have a few good friends who stand by me, watever i throw at them. they know its not my fault, i was sexually abused, i think this is why i am the way i am. just gotta cope with and try harder not to disclose to too many peeps. some people cant even cope with stressed out people! i on the other hand can relate to this behaviour- there is so much complexity to a persons behaviour, never take things on face value i say.

i found with all my doc's, none of them take me seriously when i say how i feel, but do they actually understand? prob not. so im just gonna be a quiet borderline, that way, noone can invalidate my feelings or experiences.

much luv x

[Evangeline]

I was treated only for depression in the beginning because that was all I thought I had. It was only when I did not get better that I got diagnosed with BPD, but they did not tell me for a long time. The diagnosis was not something I ever pushed for.

I thought I might be a quiet borderliner because I am not a very loud one, I am really shy and never shout. But I don't experience that level of feeling that the people describe in the article. I can't imagine feeling those awful things.

[den]

I'd defo describe myself as a quiet borderline - i'm extremely shy and find it so difficult to talk about myself.

At first I was treated for severe recurring depression from the age of 15, before being given a diagnosis of bpd when I was 20 (i'm now 25), although the docs had been holding onto this diagnosis for a while without telling me. I fought it at first as I didn't want to admit I had bpd, but I'm now glad i've got something to explain me!

I started DBT back in April which is helping me express my anger as I would never show it and would turn it against myself and almost magnify it - I couldn't even imagine being angry at anyone else and telling them!

Den xxx

[last_time_lucky]

Same here Den. I avoid confrontation at all times, my anger is always directed inwards. Glad the DBT is helping you.

[Wobbles]

My BPD has changed drastically over the last 10 years since my diagnosis.

I find that it all really depends on who i am in a relationship with as to how outwardly i project my 'issues'.

When i was first dx'd i was going mental. I used to self harm, act out, manipulate people and was in constant crisis.

I left that relationship that i was in at the time, and met someone else, and whilst with that person, all of my BPD symptoms and most of the depression symptoms vanished.

I then left him, did well for another year then had my first son. For the first 2 years of his life, i was in crisis again, very suicidal and depressed. However, i did not act out, had stopped manipulating people, did not self harm and generally internalised everything.

Just over a year ago, all of my obvious BPD symptoms vanished again.

I've been left with depression and anxiety.

I had my second son 5 months ago and the depression worsened, and the thoughts of self harm were intense, but still internalised.

Now i have some of the typical BPD symptoms such as black and white thinking, all or nothing kinda thing, splitting, identity issues, but i don't think i actually fit the BPD diagnostic criteria as i don't have enough of the symptoms to fit it at present.

So yeah i would class myself as 'quiet borderline', the symptoms i do have do not intrude on my life, it's more the depression and deep seated sense of guilt about everything and feeling like i'm responsible for everyone's happiness that make it difficult for me to function.

So i wouldn't call myself a recovered BPD sufferer, i just think my BPD, if that was the correct dx in the first place, is currently in remission and under control. I know that one day something could trigger it's return and intensity, but i don't live 'waiting' for that to happen. I just try and gain as much insight, awareness, and practice coping tools while i am well enough, to use when/if it does raise it's ugly head again.

Buddhism is helping tremendously, and would recommend others do some research into it's philosophies and practicing mindfulness.

[tess80]

Quiet borderline sounds like me too. I only got an official diagnosis last Sept (age 45) and have suffered with recurrant depression since 14. Didn't realise feeling the way I did wasn't normal till I was 30. The diagnosis has definately helped me make some sense of how I feel and how difficult I find changing my habits. I have been referrd for DBT and was supposed to have my assessment interview last week but it was cancelled because no-one could travel through the snow. I think I'll have to wait about a year to start properly.

I am quite shy and don't open up quickly so it took me seeing the same CPN over a long time before they ran the idea by me. By then I was relieved because I worked it out yars ago but didn't dare suggest it in case they rejected me for self diagnosing.

[addy2]

I think i am a qiuet borderline as well, i have only been dx and i'm 35 but i have been under the care of the mental health team for 16 yrs, I was being treated for anxiety, panic attacks, ocd and ptsd then depression and finally bpd took them a long time but i never opened up or told them how i really felt i thought everyone felt like this. Since bing dx everything is becoming clear about why i have been acting the way i do, i act out ocassionally when i get angry or if someone hurts me or i feel like they are critizing me or rejecting me. Then its more i lose control of my temper and smash things and say things i shouldn't. In the inside i don't think i could be called a quiet boderline my head is going all the time with different thought and feelings.

[last_time_lucky]

I wish there was more info available on this...

[x-Bliss-x]

I really relate to this. When my therapist first starting seeing symptoms of BPD in me he didn't want to admit it. But I knew I was BPD. But as you say, a quiet BPD. He refused to give me the full dx at first, saying that I only displayed traits and didn't have the full disorder. Now 4 years on and I have the dx of Borderline Personality Disorder.

He refused to believe because he compared me to his other borderline patients. Saying that they are usually loud, difficult and aggressive in their nature. But because I didn't display this behaviour, he wouldn't have it. I read up a lot about BPD though when it was first mentioned, and I did find articles and other people here on the forum that said they do not show the typical 'angry side' of a borderline. Instead we're known as the reserved type. The 'quiet' ones that rather than explode in a fit of fury, we internalise everything, often taking things out on ourselves whether that be self harm, or just simply demolishing our own self esteem.

So in answer to your question, yes I'm sure you'll find a few people on here who relate because I know I did. I hope which ever therpist you see is able to accept that you are Borderline (if you are). How do they expect to help you if they don't recognise this disorder in you?

[last_time_lucky]

That's exactly what my doctor said! Talk about generalizing! To be honest he was only a junior doctor, he used to spend an hour asking me questions and making notes, then go next door to get the Consultant's opinion.... Didn't fill me with confidence really. Thank you for sharing your story.

[Dizgirl2010]

My answer is probably har dto understand but I believe I am now the Quite borderline because I have been forced to make myself that way.

about 2 years ago I was the classic borderline, I was never violent or screaming and shouting anger but i was acting out and taking overdoses and basically crying out for help. Then I was treated awfully by my mental health team, my cpn was removed without even any consideration to my feelings and I wasn't even allowed to say goodbye to her!I was told I called too much and was made out to be a lier and the worst person that ever walked the planet and for months was left unsupported and in any professional contact I did have I was treated badly. After this incident I had to tell myself that I was not allowed to ask for help anymore, that I had to just cope alone, that no one cared and that the only way they wouldnt be able to hurt me again was never to ask for help, even if I needed it. I struggle in pain and silence a lot more now but to the outside world i look to be coping better as I am not asking for help, so I have been forced into the quiet borderline mode because I cannot stand to be treated the way I was ever again.I hate how classic borderline's are treated - like manipulative attention seekers - and so I would rather die in pain than be seen that way again

Dizgirl x

[last_time_lucky]

That's so sad and quite frankly terrifying! How can professionals treat people with an illness that way? I'm sorry you've had a bad time.