Biploar Crisis Fixation - Depressed And Axious About Ife Lost

[Yoko Alono]

Hi there,

I'm new to this forum. I wondered if there might be a space to share some stories, as I am a closet BP and PTSD and only disclose to close friends and family.

I used to have (in hind sight) and extraordinary successful life in the contemporary art sector living in the Netherlands. After having a MAJOR manic episode (6 years ago) and loosing my career, residency and 5-year relationship, not to mention my sense of self and cognitive capacities, I was forced to return to Australia where I live now on the disability support pension. After three years of nothing, I began slowly working again as an artist and curator, and receive funding and opportunities. However, I cannot engage the way I used to and feel very detached from the local contemporary arts scene, I guess mostly sue to extreme anxiety caused by trauma of being manic in major professional situations in the past. I never engage in the social things that ones needs to do to build a career. I am doing my masters at the moment - something I can work hard at without having to deal with people so much.

I cannot seem to move forward. I feel that the fast 6 years are part of a life not worth living. Contained in a coma of meds, I recently decided to lower all my doses. I feel more lucid which compounds the fact that I hate my current trapped life and cannot help but fixate on the life that I have lost. There is no way for me to work in Europe any more. So I'm stuck here in this remote conservative country (which I hate), living in poverty off pension funds, rarely leaving my appartment. I cannot continue this way. I need things back the way they were. But of course this is impossible.

Cannot look forward. Can only grieve for my life that has passed.

Can anyone advise?

Kind regards,

Yoko Alono