catspiracy Posted April 5, 2010 Report Share Posted April 5, 2010 It was really good to have friends over this weekend. Matt and I were able to speak freely and they understood and supported us. Hearing Matt talk out loud to trusted friends was like balm on my wounded heart! We had a nice day lounging around watching movies with our kids. I didn't google-stalk once! And the obsessive thoughts lifted!! I was actually present with my snuggly hubby. I love him so much! I feel it now, not just intellectually, that this incident really will make our relationship stronger. It already has. And one of our guests tearfully told Matt that she hopes that her relationship is as powerful as ours is, should it ever face such an ordeal. That felt really good, that not only are we loved and respected when we are "perfectly" playing house--we are equally loved and respected when we honestly and humbly work thru our problems. NO ONE and NO RELATIONSHIP is ever "perfect". I knew this as I attempted to mask our problems, because I didn't know what else to do. To reveal our problems to others seemed a betrayal. What I have learned is who are the right people in my life to approach for wisdom. I learned that I have an amazing resource in one friend (talked to her on the phone Friday.) She is a zen master with many years of outreach experience. Talking to her helped me sooooooo much! First, she validated me, including my childhood history and my mh issues. Then she validated how I experienced the incident. Then she congratulated me on my insight and self awareness, which really felt good, because sometimes those things seem like a burden to me and more trouble than they are worth, but she helped me feel good about being who I am. I told her I was trying to use an "in with the good/out with the bad" breath meditation to end the obsessive thinking. She told me that obsessing is a way to wall oneself off from the painful emotions. The only way out of the obsession is to allow myself to fully experience the entire range of feelings I have about the incident, and NOT to label them as anything. And even more importantly, to experience the feelings AS THEMSELVES, not as part of the story of what happened. That really scared me at first, because the sensation of being betrayed seemed too unbearable to open myself up to. It was wonderful watching the "clench and spasm" of "WAAAAHHHHH can't someone do this for me???" enter my mouth and I told her. I told her, "in a way, I don't want to release the obsession because that would cause me utter loss of control over the situation." And as I did, it became so clear to me that instead i would stop being controlled BY the situation. So today, as I said, I have avoided stalking her, and I have been present and available to my delightful man. And I kind of relish the idea now of strutting proudly into any festival or party she may be present at, so she can see how powerful and full of joy and love we are. ....All that being said, I still would love to contact immigration and have her deported. She's got an educational/work visa and is trying to marry that fiance of hers in order to become a citizen of MY country. FUCK OFF, we have enough home-grown skanks and don't need to import any! BWAHAHAHA! I am so grateful that throughout this whole thing my sense of humor has remained intact. Love to all of you and thank you so much for being here to help me in my time of crisis. I honestly would have gone off the deep end without you. You saved so many people from a Cat Bomb of epic destructive proportions!! yours, cat Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Data Posted April 5, 2010 Report Share Posted April 5, 2010 It sounds like your friend is indeed an amazing resource . I am pleased you have made progress, Cat. Sounds like you have got over your obsession, strengthened your relationship, found a good friend and learned some valuable insights. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lapwing Posted April 6, 2010 Report Share Posted April 6, 2010 I'm so glad to hear that things are going a bit better, and that you have such an amazingly strong relationship. Hope things continue in this way... xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bena.baby Posted April 6, 2010 Report Share Posted April 6, 2010 yay cat, you totally deserve to be feeling better xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pink stars Posted April 6, 2010 Report Share Posted April 6, 2010 :) This was lovely to read x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catspiracy Posted April 6, 2010 Author Report Share Posted April 6, 2010 I am full of Love. Last night, I was too exhausted from not eating at all, modeling 8 hours, riding my bike 5 miles, pet sitting a cat that scratched me and a cockatoo that humps me and then regurgitated on me, and then having nothing at home to make for dinner........and I made hubby take care of dinner. I was not in a good space at all. I yelled at the kids for not doing their homework, instead of counseling them. I went to bed in distress and had bad dreams and trouble sleeping. this morning, i yelled at the kids some more. all night, i worried that hubby is just going to go back to his old ways and this will have been all for nothing. however, as the day goes on and I've talked to friends and read your replies, i feel re-empowered to try again. i did not hide under the covers or try to put my self to sleep with niquil. I have drank some bloody mary's for "breakfast" and still not eaten, but i think now that it's after 11am i am ready to try to go outside and take in some of this radiant spring day. also, i actually AM going to see that bitch THIS SUNDAY. I am going to the party with over a dozen dear friends, and I am taking my whole family. Here is what I visualize: I will be holding one of my children's hands, the other arm around hubby's waist, surrounded by my favorite friends. My flashing smile not fading but gleaming harder when i glance over and our eyes meet. "i am LOVE cat!" my eyes will say. "I am big enough to choose love no matter what your crow/black widow self says or does. See my daughter, see how kind, gentle, and beautiful she is. See my little boy, his intellect paling before his empathy! THIS is MY LEGACY! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bpddreamer Posted April 7, 2010 Report Share Posted April 7, 2010 WOW Cat! Congratulation on your re-birth!! I am SO glad you finally found a peace in yourself and in your husband. I am glad you have someone you can openly talk to and be mentored. It must be very liberating for you. Keep us updated about Sunday! I hope the b*tch is smart enough to see that you ARE a bigger person than you ever can be. Luv, Jules Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catspiracy Posted April 7, 2010 Author Report Share Posted April 7, 2010 Thank you, Jules! Boy, I sure did drink a lot yesterday....I am still struggling with that. But today I already had a slimfast meal shake, which is better than I have been treating myself. And I will try to leave the bottle alone. I am going to get some work done around the house, it's a disaster area. And then I am going to make myself a hot outfit to further make her green with envy! Success is the best revenge!!! love, cat Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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