A New Kind Of Power

[catspiracy]

I've always been a little weird about food, but mostly binging once in a while and having a 20 pound wiggle room.

But now, as i get increasingly cut off sexually, Ive discovered denying myself food is a heady new kind of power. I can totally split my "self" off of my body.

This is so dangerous, what I am messing around with here?

[Dani]

i can relate a lot...and your right it is a dangerous thing to start.

when i feel im losing control on other aspects in my life i control my food.

it like well if i cant control that...i'll control my eating.its something i dont do so much now but it took a lot to get

out of it so please try stop this before it gets out of control.

xx

[bpddreamer]

Hey hun,

Did this whole thing start ever since the b*tch came along?

[just.me]

I only eat once a day, I wish I could not eat at all, but eventually I start feeling real sick!

[Benway]

i eat once a day also, and if i weigh self the number on the dcale- esp if up or down by 3lbs- will have a huge affect on my mood and how i anm.

at 5'6 and a s 12-14, w a bmi of just under 25, i am just about tech not overweight, but i feel it.

if i go into a shop i have to look at the back of the rack for the 12-12s, nd riht there in the front are the size 6's.

a cruel trick of the fashion / media imho, yet i still cant be rational abot it.

i tink its a coping mechanism? it is for me, anyway. some days i am so focused on loosing 2st, the rest i think i look 'ok-ish', 'pssable'

I understand your upset atm, and could possibly be trlated somehow? ya think?

you are a beautiful person inside and out- pls believe me ((cat))

Namaste

[catspiracy]

Dani, youre right it's all about control.

It's also the self loathing, sui impulse that I dont allow myself because it would hurt too many people. I know that my friends and family love me, and I couldn't hurt them that way.

But if i starve myself, no one will know that I am self harming except me, which is very gratifying. Also, i will lose weight and get compliments, which as I've said before, I'm addicted to collecting compliments.

it is indeed related to that skank because I think she is way prettier than me. But if i get skinnier, i will be.

whenever i finally get him to process what he's going thru, he always says the worst part is that he was attracted to her.

I can't control who he's attracted to. I want to hog all of his attraction up. also i want to be pathetic and hungry so that my inner pain has a physical excuse.

I have been going in this direction ever since our sexual problems built up steam, but never like this. The euphoria of hunger is like getting high now.

i dont know what to do.

[catspiracy]

(((Bad Kitteh)))) thank you for your kind words! I wish I could inject them into my inner core!!!

[Dani]

no matter how skinny she is...you are the better person and the person your hubby loves.

if you want to feel good about yourself why not really focus on excercising aand eating healthy.it will make you feel great inside and out xx

[catspiracy]

Thanks Dani, you are 100% right.

I am back to my old eating habits which arent great but at least they arent starving.

and i did a lot of gardening today, plus rode my bike.

I am coming out of the fog............

love

cat

[Dani]

glad to hear it :)

[Barebones]

glad ur coming out of the fog cat. I know to well what its like to starve and feel the high of not eating. The thing is with eating disorders is that, ur using as an excape for what feelings u have. Im sure u know this already.

Hope the fog continues to go and you become ur lovely self again.

xx

[just.me]

Who wants to be a bag of bones? I'd like to be slimmer again, but I always have just a little tummy, I'm a woman! Women have little bumps!

[Barebones]

sry sioux i want to be a bag of bones, i know it doesnt look attractive, but i guess thats the point. Also i have more energy when i am low in weight, the other thing is, i cant stand being touched when i have fat on me, im just not comfortable in my own skin i guess.

I think its great when woman have curves, but me i dont feel right.

xx

[catspiracy]

For me, yeah, i'd like to have my bones stick out around my tummy, but i doubt that will ever happen. Plus, starving myself will mess up my metabolism so that when I do eat, it turns instantly to fat.

It's mostly about control for me. I want to be free of bodily needs. I want to show my stupid body who's boss. I want to be pure and hard inside like a statue.

The thing about control is that by taking this control, I enslaved myself even more to food and to my poor hungry body......

I still don't like eating very much, it makes me feel kind of like an animal, plus I have self talk about not deserving to be fed. I go look in the fridge and pantry, and then just walk away again. Hungry, but no appetite. I pretty much only eat dinner because i make a nice family dinner and finally my mouth waters. But i don't like to eat in front of anyone. I like to hide and eat all by myself.

Ugh.

but at least i'm not doing it on purpose like i was last week.......

love you guys,

cat

[Roses]

(((((((((((((((Cat)))))))))))))))))))