When Will It End?

[ylana]

I dont really know why im writing. I dont know what i expect to get out of it. I dont really want to open up to everyone but at the same time i just cant keep it in anymore. I fucking hate my life. This is NOT how my life was meant to be. I wasnt meant to be 25 with two kids and single. I was meant to be in a loving relationship. TO have children that i adored ALL of the time, not just when i am in the mood. WHere the fuck is my fairy tale?

Im attending my DBT group. Im taking my medication but its not working. Its not helping how im feeling. I cant continue on like this. It is killing me from the inside out. Im sick of waking up every morning and having to put on my mask again. Why do i have to keep mytself controlled? Why the hell cant people just accept me for who i am? I am trying and that is the best i can do. It just doesnt seem enough though.

[cmbc137]

Ylana, I empathise with how you feel. It is so frustrating not to have your fairy tale and feel so bad. I like you am fed up with waking up every monring and putting on my fake persona. My psychiatrist has told me I am not responding to medication and now just have to stay on the waiting list until my turn for therapy comes round.

Just wanted to let you know you are not alone and I hope things start looking up for you as your DBT progresses.

[ylana]

Thanks cmbc137. I woke up today feeling a little bit better which is good. It is comforting to know that im not the only one whose meds do nothing and who is sick of waking up every morning and having to pretend to be someone else. The DBT seems to be helping but only when I am in a calm state of mind and can put it into practice. When im having a bad day its not quite as easy.

[tearstained]

I understand bbe...My life is shit and I hate it too. Everything is fucked and wrong.I have 2 kids and its hard hard hard. Hugs xxxxxxxxx

[Data]

If you have BPD you will be someone with powerful emotions and in my experience, people do sometimes struggle to accept that. It does not make you a bad person, just someone who might take a bit of work before they can fit in with others.

Best of luck with the DBT.

[Bravia80]

Hi,

I'm a newbie and live in Australia where I don't think BPD is as common as in the UK. There aren't really any support groups for Borderlines and only two places in my city that do DBT.

I often wake up asking myself what the point in living is. My depression is at its worst in the mornings, and I often feel empty and sometimes experience that chronic feeling of emptiness. I am seeing a psychologist who specialises in BPD but she's leaving soon which is making me even more depressed. She is the first psych to ever have really understood me. You go to these others who give you the usual CBT sort of strategies for dealing with hard issues but they don't work. I just hope my next psych isn't like one of these. I am doing DBT soon so hopefully that'll pick me up a bit.

And I agree with you, Ylana, the therapy works when you're feeling ok but not when you're really down, angry or depressed. I did think about the mindfulness and meditation when I experienced a bad bout of depression last week but I took the 'easy' way out and did what many of us are known to do. I felt so bad about myself afterwards especially after having quite a lot of therapy but my psych says at least I thought about the mindfulness even though I couldn't do it at the time.

I don't really have my own identity either. I don't know who I am. I go from being the 'bad goth girl' to the 'butter wouldn't melt in my mouth girl'. I've also gone from one job to another trying to convince myself I need more of a challenge, but really knowing that nothing seems to make me happy whatever I try. I often feel like I glide through life without any real purpose and am always invisible to others. I have never ever fitted in for as long as I can remember, even when I was little and was constantly bullied.

Anyway, I was just wondering what medications people are on for BPD. I'm on Cymbalta which is an SNRI. I was put on a mood stabiliser called Epilim when my Pdoc wrongly diagnosed me with Bipolar II, but that definitely wasn't for me. The Cymbalta helped at first but I'm starting to experience the depression again and constant negative self-talk.

Thanks for listening.

Bravia.

[ylana]

Hi Bravia - I am in Australia as well so i really feel your suffering with the crap system here. I have started the DBT and have about 8 weeks left to go. WHat you wrote describes me to a tee. My depression is so bad at the moment and I am just so angry all of the time. I am on Lexapro which helped for my depression while it was mild but i seem to be losing control again so its doing absolutely nothing. My Pdoc also put me on Epilam as a mood stabiliser but that was when he actually diagnosed me with BPD. I found they helped but i didnt like being on them. I didnt feel anything on them.

I am just so sick of my life just going around in circles, not knowing where it begins and ends.

[bpddreamer]

Hi Ylana,

I am so sorry that you are feeling this way.

Only thing I wanted to add is that it can take a while to find the right medication that works for you. For me, it took me three years until I found the ones that work for me. So, don't give up hope.

Jules

[Bravia80]

Hi Ylana,

Thanks for your reply. Where in Australia are you? I'm in Victoria.

I am sorry you're feeling this way too. I was actually on that same concoction of medication as you and still felt quite bad. I was on Lexapro for about six months after 13 years of being on Zoloft. The Lexapro worked so well in the beginning but then after a month I experienced depression and bad anxiety again. My psychiatrist added Epilim to the mix and I really didn't like it. I felt nothing at all, tired constantly and I was putting on weight. I went back to him and asked for an SNRI because I'd heard good stories about them and thought they could give me the motivation I needed (the noradrenaline as well as serotonin). So he prescribed Cymbalta, and to be honest I've never looked back. For me, it is the best medication I've been on. I'm still tired all the time but then I work full-time and study part-time and am looking after my sick mum.

Perhaps you could talk to your psychiatrist about the Lexapro. How long have you been taking it? I've just known of two others (they suffer chronic depression, not BPD) who Lexapro didn't work for either.

How are you finding the DBT?

Take care,

Bravia :rolleyes:

[ylana]

bpddreamer - yeah i am realising that pretty much all the medications i have been on so far havent worked for me. I have an appt with my doc tomorrow so hopefully we can sort something else out.

Bravia - I am in WA. I had the same as you with the Lexapro. It worked great for the first 2 months... theni suffered through 3 more months and then upped my dose to 20mg... same thing happened and then i had to up it to 30mg... I had that horrible side effect of excessive sweating though so have gone back down to 20mg. One of my friends is also on Cymbalta (for depression and anxiety) and i was going to ask about that as well. I see the doc tomorrow so hopefully we can figure it all out. WHen i was on the Epilim i was taking Efexor XR not Lexapro and then that stopped working which is why i changed to lexapro (plus my does of Effexor was just getting higher and higher)

The DBT group is going well but it takes time to learn how to put the new skills into practice. Im trying my best and Im sure i will get there eventually, its just a very frustrating and long road.

I will fill you in on how the doc appt goes tomorrow.

[Bravia80]

Hi Ylana,

Let us know how you go with the doc today.

WA, I've always wanted to go to Perth but haven't ventured further than Brisbane in Australia.

So the Effexor didn't really work for you? I've heard that Effexor can be quite strong and give quite bad side effects but that it can work quite well on others. I haven't really heard any bad comments about Cymbalta but I am experiencing some depression lately and negative self-talk, not to the point of being suicidal though. I get the feeling of being sweaty a little with Cymbalta but I'll put up with that if it means I can feel better moodwise.

I'm looking forward to starting my DBT but it gets so expensive because my psych says I need to have a psych session and DBT session both in the same week. Do you get homework to do?

I think I read somewhere you have children. Are they both very young?

Take care,

Bravia

bpddreamer - yeah i am realising that pretty much all the medications i have been on so far havent worked for me. I have an appt with my doc tomorrow so hopefully we can sort something else out.

Bravia - I am in WA. I had the same as you with the Lexapro. It worked great for the first 2 months... theni suffered through 3 more months and then upped my dose to 20mg... same thing happened and then i had to up it to 30mg... I had that horrible side effect of excessive sweating though so have gone back down to 20mg. One of my friends is also on Cymbalta (for depression and anxiety) and i was going to ask about that as well. I see the doc tomorrow so hopefully we can figure it all out. WHen i was on the Epilim i was taking Efexor XR not Lexapro and then that stopped working which is why i changed to lexapro (plus my does of Effexor was just getting higher and higher)

The DBT group is going well but it takes time to learn how to put the new skills into practice. Im trying my best and Im sure i will get there eventually, its just a very frustrating and long road.

I will fill you in on how the doc appt goes tomorrow.

[ylana]

Well I had my doc appt today and she decided to change me from Lexapro to Pristig (desvenlafaxine) It means that I have to slowly come off the lexapro first but im hoping its worth it. Apparently Pristig is like a new version of Effexor. The effexor worked well for the most part BUT i was on a high dose and all the tablets would feel like they were getting stuck in my throat. Anyway, hopefully it will work out because i dont want to be coming off my medication and going slowly crazy for no reason!

Bravia yeah i have two kids. A girl and a boy - 5yrs and 3yrs. Is there anything happening in your life at the moment that is cauing you to have the negative self-talk? The sweating became really bad on the 30mg and I just couldnt stay on it any longer. So do you have any kids yourself?

Do you have to pay for your DBT course? I am doing mine through the public health system so it is free. We do get some homework but it is good because we get 1 week to work on our new skills (if we get the opportunity). It is kind of nice to be in the same room with others that you know are suffering the same. It makes you feel less alone i think.

[Bravia80]

That's great you had quite a good response from your doctor. I have one friend who's on Pristiq and I think it works quite well for her. She has something different to BPD and has to take anti-psychotics as well but she speaks well of Pristiq. How long do you have to be off Lexapro for before taking the Pristiq? Did the high dose of Effexor make you feel a bit numb or apathetic?

Aw, how cute, two young kids. Is the older one at school now? What are their names? You don't have to mention that on here if you don't want to. I don't have kids but would love a baby. I work full-time and study so it's difficult at the moment, and I don't have anyone to give me a baby, but hopefully in a few years I'll be able to have one. The negative self-talk... it could be my mum. She has been hospital for months firstly with back pain and then because her bowel became diseased (after too much medication) and she had to half half of it out. Now she's experience some kind of delirium. I love her but she has always had some form of control over me. I feel she only really wants to see me when I can take her medication into the hospital, otherwise she can't really be bothered talking to me. She has always tried to make me feel bad for things in my life and I've felt like I've always had to win her love. Do you know what I mean? So it could be that as well as a stressful job. Do you have anything in your life adding to your depression?

I have to pay for DBT once a week and a BPD psych once a week, so it is going to be expensive as of the beginning of May. There aren't any DBT sessions in Melbourne that are free unless you're a full-time student. I've heard the first session is on mindfulness. I've had to practice this already with the psych. And yes, I'm looking forward to meeting others like me. It is so hard to meet people who are, and I don't really have any friends anyway. The friends I do have (aside from a few I've made on a depression website) I don't fit in with. I feel like an outcast if I ever see them, so I've kind of given up meeting up with them.

Take care,

B.

Well I had my doc appt today and she decided to change me from Lexapro to Pristig (desvenlafaxine) It means that I have to slowly come off the lexapro first but im hoping its worth it. Apparently Pristig is like a new version of Effexor. The effexor worked well for the most part BUT i was on a high dose and all the tablets would feel like they were getting stuck in my throat. Anyway, hopefully it will work out because i dont want to be coming off my medication and going slowly crazy for no reason!

Bravia yeah i have two kids. A girl and a boy - 5yrs and 3yrs. Is there anything happening in your life at the moment that is cauing you to have the negative self-talk? The sweating became really bad on the 30mg and I just couldnt stay on it any longer. So do you have any kids yourself?

Do you have to pay for your DBT course? I am doing mine through the public health system so it is free. We do get some homework but it is good because we get 1 week to work on our new skills (if we get the opportunity). It is kind of nice to be in the same room with others that you know are suffering the same. It makes you feel less alone i think.

[ylana]

Hey B,

Yep, my daughter is in pre-school (or prep) now. She is loving it (and so am i ). I would prefer not to say their names online though. The Effexor actually made me seem quite normal. I still had emotions and they were still full-on but no-where near as full-on as usual.

It must be so hard with your Mum babe. I really do feel for you. It is so hard when you dont feel that 'unconditional love' that most others feel from their parents. I wish i could offer you some really good advice but im stumped. A bit useless really. My stress and SHIT is partly because my husband and I split in January. He had 'issues' and only decided to tell me AFTER we split that apparently he didnt see us going anywhere... Yeah thanks for telling me now, asshole!

DBT-wise that is terrible!! I have a solution... just move to WA! ha! They do focus a lot on mindfulness in the beginning but it is a good place to start i found, as it was kind of relaxing. I am up to Emotional Regulation and reduscing emotional vulnerability. It is good but hard at the moment as my head isnt there.

I am lucky because I met most of my close friends at a PND group (even though i didnt have PND it helped just having people that have suffered through hard times). That is how i met my best friend of 3.3 years. She knows EVERYTHING about me and still loves me And me, her.

Im having a fucked past few days. COming off these drugs are killing me.

[nada]

Hi Ylana,

I'm Nada from Sydney. Hope you feel better soon. I know easier said than done. I've just diagnosed myself with PND, my son is 10 months old and i have a 4 year old daughter. I'm going through a really hard time at the moment and just want to die sometimes. im going to my gp on tuesday for the first time cos i cant live like this anymore.

[ylana]

Hi Nada,

I really hope that you have a good result from your doctor and that you get some answers. It is bloody hard living like this, i know. I am having a really hard time as well. A big hug and lots of understanding from me xx

[just.me]

I'd like to say that it is possible although hard to live with it. The depression is a seperate issue, and can be stabilised, mine has been stable for sometime.

I still get the ups and downs, the roller coaster of emotions, but I no longer feel suicidal or that I am down a dark pit that I will never get out of.

Primarily I would suggest you work on the depression first.

[Bravia80]

Hi Ylana,

How has your weekend been? Did you have a long weekend?

I'm sorry to hear about your husband leaving you in January. That must be really hard for you especially since you have two kids. You seem like you've been dealing with it really well though, doing the DBT now and looking after your two children. Do you get help from anyone else? Family?

I have had issues with having bad and dysfunctional relationships, and then not being able to leave them because I hate hurting people.

I can imagine DBT would be difficult if your head isn't there. I've been told it can be quite difficult because it brings up things you would sooner not think about. Do you think this is true? I just thought it helps you deal with over the top emotions and having more confidence.

I'm really glad you have a best friend who can help you through these hard times. That is something that can really help when you're feeling so awful. What is PND like?

You're coming off Lexapro, aren't you?

Hope you're having a nice weekend.

Take care,

B.

[ylana]

Hi B.

Yep, we have a long weekend here as well. Not a lot going on though.

It was actually me that left - well, i initiated it all - as my husband has issues that he needs to sort through and did some things that i couldnt forgive. I wasnt happy for quite some time and it was all just getting too much for me. I asked to talk to him and we both decided it was best for both of us and the kids. It is fucking hard on my own though and i get the odd day or so that longs to be with someone again, it is so lonely.

My family try to be there for me as much as they can. My folks work though and dont live that close to me. They know that i have BPD and I know that my Mum has done a bit of reading on it, my husband never did though.

DBT isnt as hard as doing the individual therapy. It focuses more on learning new skills to cope with crisis' and every day life. They teach you how to identify your emotions.

I didnt have PND but it is Post Natal Depression. Basically it is depression that comes on after the birth of a child. It can be very overwhelming, as with any depression. It helps having someone that understand how overwhelming emotions can be, thats for sure.

Yeah it is Lexapro that I am coming off. Today is day 5 of only a 10mg dose.. I have had a few slip-ups but im not doing too bad so far. AS of wedneday it is a week of 5mg... that should be interesting!

So when do you start your DBT course? Are you lucky enough to have a close friend that you can turn to in desperate times as well? Did you get up to anything interesting so far this weekend?

[ylana]

Bravia - where are you? I hope everything is ok...

[Bravia80]

HI ylana,

Sorry, I thought I'd actually replied to you and was waiting for your reply! So sorry but I don't think my reply to you posted. Strange!

How are you? How's it going coming off the Lexapro? And how was your week?

I had a bit of a bad week but I think it was mostly due to hormones and my psych leaving. The irrational side of me thought I would cut to 'punish' her for leaving but of course I realise she had to leave the practice for her own personal reasons. It was just that she was the first to really understand me. I'm doing a little better this weekend though after getting full marks for one of my assignments and applying for another job within the same organisation.

Are you doing any better now? I'm really sorry to hear about your break up and that you get lonely sometimes. I can understand that. Sometimes I really crave for someone and sometimes I crave to be completely alone. Do you live by yourself with your kids?

Anyway, I'm sorry again and hope you are having a nice weekend.

Take care,

B.

Bravia - where are you? I hope everything is ok...

[ylana]

Hi B.

Its cool, i just wanted to check things were ok as you said you have been feeling under the weather as well.

Good News! I am OFF the Lexapro. Day 1 of no drugs and feeling pretty good I start the new meds on Tuesday.

[Bravia80]

Hi Ylana,

That's great news! I don't know how you managed to get off the Lexapro so easily. I had quite bad side effects from not having it just one day. What are you starting on Tuesday?

Take care,

B

[ylana]

Hey B.

I worked my way down dosage-wise. I was on 10mg for 1 week then went down to 5mg for a 5 days then nothing for 2 and tomorrow I start on the Pristig. HOPEFULLY I dont have any side effects.

I had really bad headaches for the first week of my reduced dose though and that weird eye thing that i get when i miss a dose. I am feeling very restless without anything in my system though. eek!

[Bravia80]

Hi Ylana,

How are you going with the Pristiq? Do you have any side effects at all? I have a friend starting on it but he had a terrible reaction to Effexor and ended up in hospital. It's a bit worrying, and he's deciding whether to try the Pristiq or stick with Lexapro.

How has your week been? Are you doing anything on the weekend? I'm getting my hair done tomorrow... it really needs it, and then it's Mother's Day on Sunday.

Have a great weekend.

B. :)