'fixed'

[blacklover]

It’s been a long time since the last time I posted something here. Actually, since the last time I enter this site. First time I joined this forum I didn’t feel I fit here; now I want to start again to see if this time I got luck.

At their eyes, a year ago when they found out [actually when I told them] about my little problems involving razorblades, or whatever useful thing I can use to make some scratches on my arm, I was ‘broken’. My mother refused to talk with me about how I felt, about why I started to cut myself [and nowadays she still does.] They didn’t even bother me. [This was something I used to like. To be sincere I didn’t and still don’t really care about it, I like keeping those kinds of things to myself.]

What I hate is that after they sent me to therapy [i went like 7 times to therapy and quit] magically I was ‘Fixed’, and I am not allow to have mood swings or let them notice it. “She’s just a teenager, they like making dramas” And all I wish is scream “Hey I have borderline, did you forget?!” But I can’t so I have to pretend all day and all night long. The fake smile on my face looks so real now, even though is not.

This pretending being happy, this smiling, this hiding when I’m mad, when I’m sad, when I’m anxious… is really, really killing. But I have nobody to talk with, because I was ‘fixed’, I’m not ‘broken’ anymore. And ‘not broken/ fixed people’ don’t need to talk about these kinds of things, because they don’t feel these things.

So here I am crying all over the keyboard, trying to find some comprehension in completely strangers on an internet forum. Trying to find a place where people don’t treat you different, because in a way you’re not much different from them. A place where I can freely admit that I’m obviously not okay, that I can’t control this, that I want to stop thinking in committing suicide… that I need help.

[Yeah, I know I sound so pathetic.] :/

Nickz

[Sparko]

Hey there, Im new around here too

Sounds like you could do with some support, perhaps you could speak to your GP?. They might offer you some more help and you wouldnt have to tell your family if you didnt want to

Spark

[Lily-Bee]

Wow sounds like a lonely place to be!!Feeling you cannot be yourself and share your troubles with anyone.

I hope we can be a safe haven for you in that sense,you sure are free to be exactly who you are problems and all here.

I think Sparko has a good idea,maybe see your GP??

Lilly

[sarabpd]

Ignore the doubters and talk about what you want to do and say. You struggle alone and that is not good. You obviously struggle and like lily said 'it sounds like a lonely place' .

There are good people here to offer support . Oh and welcome back :)

[blacklover]

Thanks Girls

But talking to my GP is not that easy for one reason: To see her i need to do an appointment, to do that someone has to pay for it. And i don't know there on uk, but here on Dominican Republic GP appointments are not that cheap.

My mother refuses to admit that i have BPD, my father don't even know about it [i won't tell him, he's so melodramatic + the main reason why i started to s/h is him], therefore they won't pay for one.

Oh.. i forgot My GP is kind of.. i don't know how to say it, irresponsable. yes, that. That's why i quit theraphy. And i WON'T go to someone else.. don't want to share my 'stuff' with another stranger.

I'm stuck. And yes, is such a lonely place here.

Anyways, Thanks again.

Nickz