Hi

[ohmythelees]

Hi all,

Another new member to add to the list! Where do I start?? And please excuse the lack of direction in the text, as I am finding it hard to understand this all. 7 years ago I met the woman of my dreams. She had 'issues' that included self harm and low self esteem but I saw through all that and we married a year later (a little earlier than expected). We have had a volatile relationship, the self harming stopped but instead grew into hitting/attacking me when she was low/upset/angry which in turn led to myself on occasions reacting before she could. For the last few years those types of outbursts have died down, however we still have outbursts off agression (manifested in the form of hitting doors) and 'heated' arguements are quite frequent. 10 months ago she gave birth to our 3rd child. He was 10 weeks premature, and it led to her having servere postnatal depression and being admitted to a mother and baby unit. She overcame that but this year was readmitted as she had started to have thoughts of suicide and general a general low sense of self being. It was after being released this time that she was diagnosed with having bpd and since then things havent been the same. Last week it came to a head and and she left me. We have spoken over the last few days and she has asked me if I have looked it up/understand it as she feels we both havent come to terms with it and this is affecting our relationship.

Now I dont really know what I am expecting response wise to this post, but I guess I am finding it hard to understand why. I read the inforation that is out there and I guess I see how the psychiatrist has come to the diagnoses but can't figure out why she feels like this and what I can do to help her, as I don't want her to feel this way and would do anything to take away that pain that she must be feeling, but yet doesnt know herself.

Which is another thing that troubles me, if she isn't able to grasp this, then is there a direction for her. Must she have to 'deal' with it to adjust??

I hope there is someone that understands my plight.

Thanks for reading a (what seems to me) messy post

[just.me]

It is not a feeling, it is a personality disorder, that she cannot control. BPD involves emotions. Is often accompanied by anxiety and depression. You can treat the anxiety with CBT the depression with anti-d's but the BPD requires long term DBT.

They say after therapy within 2 years you can be 40% better.

Obviously our emotions control how we react to things, affect our logic, we have black and white thinking. What we see as right, is not necessarily so. Our thought process is not governed by what you would term acceptable. It is extreme and real hard to deal with.

[ohmythelees]

It is not a feeling, it is a personality disorder, that she cannot control. BPD involves emotions. Is often accompanied by anxiety and depression. You can treat the anxiety with CBT the depression with anti-d's but the BPD requires long term DBT.

They say after therapy within 2 years you can be 40% better.

Obviously our emotions control how we react to things, affect our logic, we have black and white thinking. What we see as right, is not necessarily so. Our thought process is not governed by what you would term acceptable. It is extreme and real hard to deal with.

Many thanks, and excuse my lack of comprehension. I am not to ofeit (excuse spelling) with the terminology, you'll have to enlighten me on CBT and DBT.

I realise that the thought process is in someway, broken (I don't mean to offend, this is purely my way of expression), but is it that she is using the method of rejection in order to not be hurt herself?

I am currently in the Army, and have been on a course since March and it seems, to me, that she fears rejection, which after sitting down and thinking about it, has been pretty common place:- rejecting good freindships, whether because of distance or some minor disagreement. The inability to form friendships through the thinking of 'whats the point, we wont be here for long any way'.

Is this a common feeling amongst BPD sufferers??

[piuma]

welcome to the forum :)

[just.me]

CBT is cognitive behavioural therapy, generally short term.

DBT is dialectual behavioural therapy, longer term.

Fear of rejection is a very common thing with regards those who suffer from BPD.

Have a read about it on our main site.

http://www.mentalhealth-world.org.uk/

[ohmythelees]

Ok, so I have heard those terms before but just not the shortened version.

Many thanks, I guess I have to figure out how to cope when she is feeling 'bad'. Maybe, some of how I have reacted hasnt aided the situation. I guess if she is unable to produce a reason for any particular feeling, I will just have to accept the 'because I do' reaction that I get.

Is there anything (those of you that have bpd) you wish that your partner had/had not done to help you through everything?

[jillv]

Hi there,

It is difficult to answer your question because we all react so differently, but for me, I think the most important thing a partner can do is to reassure you that he loves you, no matter what. And its no good saying it once and assuming you will be believed, it needs repeating a million times. Someone with BPD feels unworthy, they have low self esteem and cannot believe how any one can like them, let alone love them. I find I have temper tantrums that I cant get myself out of. Its like a toddler reacts, and you just need to be held until it is passed. I find criticism very hard to deal with, but also praise.

We push people away so

1) they cannot push us

2)because we want the reassurance that they wont go

3)that they will love us whatever

4) because we have insight that they are not good for us

It is difficult for us to make decisions, and we often live in chaos in our heads and in actuality.

There is a burning rage inside us that often we dont understand or can control.

There often isn't a reason for a particular feeling, it just is. One day I may wake on top of the world, another day I may be in the depths of despair.

I am particularly irritated by noise. If someone turns the radio up in the car I lose the plot.

There are so many 'symptoms' that your wife could be feeling. Its up to you to listen and not judge.

Hope I have been some help. Others may be able to add lots more

[ohmythelees]

I try my hardest not to judge, but I guess it is part of not understanding that causes me too.

Thank you for that post though, it has put it in a more easier to understand view. I guess I never really knew, or still dont know the extent of the turmoil she is going through, partly due to the reactions that I give sometimes.

I will try and give her more understanding from now on.

Thank you again for helping me understand it a little more.

[jillv]

I didn't mean to imply you do judge, but it was just a general statement. It is sooo hard.

I could write a book on how bpd affects me, and you probably still would find it hard to understand.

Just read as much as possible, and things will then fall into place - well, maybe lol

[ohmythelees]

You were right to say it. People as a rule judge others, its hard not to. I guess I do it in the wrong way, rather than supporting her I am increasingly trying to get her to answer the 'well why do you feel like that, there has to be a reason' question.

[boobsticle]

Many of us don't know the reason why we feel the way we do, that triggers the inner turmoil because we can't answer the question, and being unable to answer a question asked by someone who means everything to us adds to the turmoil. Apologies if I sound harsh, but you should stop asking the question because it will just make things worse. You just need to be there for her and reassure her that you'll never leave and you love her (if that's true).

Best of luck.

[ohmythelees]

Many of us don't know the reason why we feel the way we do, that triggers the inner turmoil because we can't answer the question, and being unable to answer a question asked by someone who means everything to us adds to the turmoil. Apologies if I sound harsh, but you should stop asking the question because it will just make things worse. You just need to be there for her and reassure her that you'll never leave and you love her (if that's true).

Best of luck.

Definatley true, I have stood by her for 6 years, and 2 stays in an inpatients hospital and would do anything to take the pain away from her. I will take your advice though and see if that helps. Maybe she may regain the confidence to talk openly to me like when we first met.

Thank you for the help/advice

[just.me]

I have BPD and whilst I would love to be able to use the excuse it's my BPD everytime I fuck up, I can't.

I do have black and white thinking, and I have no logic, but I can recognise where I make mistakes, how bad I am.

Whilst you have to support, you do not have to suffer, and when she is calm you need to sit down with her and talk so that she can see that there is no rationale to how she behaves.

To excuse the behaviour is to accept it is there to stay, my behaviour is not excusable, yep I have a reason, but I do know that what I do is wrong, and I do try, and I do apologise too.

Your wife has to recognise that how she views things is not logical, that there are shades of grey too.

I see it that my mental age is as it should be, however my emotional age is probably around 18! I stamp feet, I cry, I threaten. That is not acceptable in a grown woman. A child maybe, not an adult.

[jillv]

Whilst I agree with Sioux you should not suffer as a result of your wife's behaviour, and that it is unaccetable to behave like a child, I think you are on very dodgy ground if you try to point out her 'errors'. This is a job for a counsellor or therapist to work through these issues with her so she comes to understand them herself. If you sit her down and tell her where she is going wrong she will be very hurt and will resent you. I certainly would!

[boobsticle]

I agree with Kalico, unless she becomes a lot more stable, leave that stuff to the professionals.

[just.me]

I suffer terribly with BPD, purely all emotional bollox.

I however am fully aware of my behaviour and what I do, but trying to stop it is like telling me that I know see out of my ears.

I therefore welcome constructive advice with regards to my behaviour, and whilst I am getting a bit better, the feelings that I get when I feel that something is not going to go as it is supposed to do I have no control over.

My reactions to those events are uncontrollable, but the little things, like thinking before I act help a lot.

[ohmythelees]

Wow, a lot of different views there. I don't feel as if I am suffering and would not be here if I didn't want to. I know that I have my own tendencies to esculate things into 'heated' arguements that cannot be good for either of us, and I am yet to understand myself as to why I do that.

I guess sometimes it winds up when she doesn't have a reason behind things, which is where the difference lies between the two of us. As I am trying to understand it better I am slowly realising that some of my actions have not helped. And I am trying to understand what I can do within myself to not get so 'pent up' on needing an answer all the time.

Thank you all for being so open on the subject.

[xkayleighx]

oh my... the "why do you feel like this?" "i dont fucking know!" argument! many a time i was in that siuation with my ex, and it made me feel even worse because i couldnt pin point it! i was with him for 4years and only this year did he decide to go to a DBT carers workshop where they told our carers the skills we was trying to do and how to help, and why we did what we did and what BPD was all about... was fine, until he got pissed off then knew exactly how to press my buttons! lol just be there to support her, reassure her conastantly that you are there to help and you wont leave, that you still care and love her and that nothing will make you feel any different, because using shame/guilt on us is like OMG off the cliff kinda thing, ultimatums are also not very good because as much as we see in black and white, if one of those options isnt something we think we can do we`ll just give up entirely. eg i got told give up self harming and we can be together or continue self harming and il leave... didnt work because i didnt get anything out of it... eitherway i was losing something with was all i focused on... just accept that for the time being things are going to be difficult for her, and she may react in ways that will puzzle you over tiny things, like who leaves the bog seat up or the toothpaste lid off... you catch my drift... perhaps you just reading up on the condition may help?

borderline personality disorder

all in all just dont let her feel abandoned... that is our worse fear... hope my little rant helps... im kinda in a blunt mood today... mmm.. ^_^

[ohmythelees]

oh my... the "why do you feel like this?" "i dont fucking know!" argument! many a time i was in that siuation with my ex, and it made me feel even worse because i couldnt pin point it! i was with him for 4years and only this year did he decide to go to a DBT carers workshop where they told our carers the skills we was trying to do and how to help, and why we did what we did and what BPD was all about... was fine, until he got pissed off then knew exactly how to press my buttons! lol just be there to support her, reassure her conastantly that you are there to help and you wont leave, that you still care and love her and that nothing will make you feel any different, because using shame/guilt on us is like OMG off the cliff kinda thing, ultimatums are also not very good because as much as we see in black and white, if one of those options isnt something we think we can do we`ll just give up entirely. eg i got told give up self harming and we can be together or continue self harming and il leave... didnt work because i didnt get anything out of it... eitherway i was losing something with was all i focused on... just accept that for the time being things are going to be difficult for her, and she may react in ways that will puzzle you over tiny things, like who leaves the bog seat up or the toothpaste lid off... you catch my drift... perhaps you just reading up on the condition may help?

borderline personality disorder

all in all just dont let her feel abandoned... that is our worse fear... hope my little rant helps... im kinda in a blunt mood today... mmm..

I read a lot last night about it and its starting to make a little more sense but I think its better to hear it from those that know, and cut out the medical jargon! And so far I seem to be getting the jist of things.

It must be hard to struggle through life like that, and you seem to have a good support group going here to help people. And I hope that by me doing this, I have learnt what it is like for my wife.

I think in all of this, I have learnt not to not pressurize her, to listen to what she has to say, to reassure her and most of all to support her through everything that happens. Just because she can't rationalise things, it doesnt mean that I can't, and hopefully in the long run, help her to see that there is an end to it, maybe not now, but whenever that may be.

Thank you all for sharing your experiences and for making me understanad this better, as she finds it hard to deal with whats going on in her head, let alone trying to explain it to me!!

[xkayleighx]

well another thing is that she will dismiss the positives ALOT, especially when she is having a "bad" day, that is when you need to remind her of the support she has, but dont say its just a phase because then she`ll think that you arent taking her seriously! its like walking on eggshells to be honest, sometimes they are going to crack because you have said the "wrong" thing from her perspective, just try to keep her calm and distracted from feeling "shitty" x

[ohmythelees]

well another thing is that she will dismiss the positives ALOT, especially when she is having a "bad" day, that is when you need to remind her of the support she has, but dont say its just a phase because then she`ll think that you arent taking her seriously! its like walking on eggshells to be honest, sometimes they are going to crack because you have said the "wrong" thing from her perspective, just try to keep her calm and distracted from feeling "shitty" x

I know that feeling, some times it can be (to me) something simple as a bad nights sleep and an early morning, and like I have said before, my lack of understanding and tbh caring sets her off even more. I sit back now and think to myself how cold and heartless I must have been to have encouraged her to go even deeper into an already desperate place.

I know that I must change these views, and will be working on it with the Army Welfare Service and other people.

It seems though I have learnt more from you all than my wifes CPN and Doctor, (the CPN I feel is also inadequate at her job) but thats another story on its own.

Again, to all, many thanks and I hope you all enjoy a good and happy future. I will try (not pushing though) and see if my wife will come here to open up to those that also felt like she is now, at the start of a journey that she has been told she has been on for many years.

[xkayleighx]

well we always have a warm welcome for those who come to seek shetler and refuse here x