A Little Insight I Just Acquired In The Shower...

[Crackers]

So, kinda a pointless post really, but I just thought i would share a little realisation i just had in the shower now.

Proud of myself for getting in the shower, i've been so disabled by depression this week that i hadn't had one in a while, strange how something most people would find so simple can change you day around

I know that in an hours time I will have lost sight of this again, and i will be wanting to crawl up in a ball and disappear again, but it is a realisation that i come to several times a week and then lose sight of again, something i'm sure you all have experience with.

So perhaps writing it down here will cement it into my mind somehow.

Basically, i'm 19, still a little girl really and learning about the world, and i feel very immature and silly saying all this but it's something many of you have probably been through.

My best friend became my boyfriend, then he went to Uni in Glasgow and I went down to Uni in Loughborough, so we split up, I didn't want to, but it was for the best. Now he has gone back to the role of my friend again and it's difficult, over Easter i finally told him that I was still in Love with him, the feelings had never gone away, and he turned round and said 5 words that shattered my world, 'I don't fancy you anymore.' I had my future built up around this person and it was always in my mind that we would get back together, but that's not going to happen. It's hard to deal with.

Things are bad at uni and my depression flared up again, along with my Depersonalisation disorder and this week i tried to do some very silly things to myself. My friends at home caught wind of it, they noticed that I had disappered. Dan heard about it, and on Sunday night he stayed up with me on the phone for 6 hours, right until the morning, cause i was too scared to be alone, and last night he did the same thing for 4 hours, listening to all my crap. On Monday morning, 2 of my friends from home got a 4 hour train down to where I live and came and looked after me for the day, staying over the night. And I was safe and I felt loved and cared for.

With friends like that what do I have to comaplin about? But of course you all know that is not enough, you could have the whole world proclaiming their love for you and it is never enough if you can't feel it inside.

Anyway, the point of this post.

In the shower i realised that i am young, and just because i found one person who made me feel special and worthy doesn't mean that he will be the only person i ever find that make me feel like that, cause i suppose it's quite likely that I will find someone else, and if I don't then i shall have to learn to be content with that, because to be loved by another, ultimately you need to love yourself too. And if I spend all day in bed, not eating, not washing then my life is never going to get any better, i need to get out there, make friends at Uni, leave with a good degree and just get stuck in. Rather than pushing people away, especially Dan, it's no more his fault that he doesn't want that kind of relationship with me, that it is mine that I do want it.

Rather that looking at what i don't have or what i could have, look what i do have and hold onto it.

I'm the luckiest person the the world and i couldn't see it.

Rather than look at the bad, I'm going to look at the good for once, and appreciate what I have.

Sorry for such a long, and let's be honest, pretty pointless and childish post, no real substance in it, just thoughts, but it was clogging up my mind and i needed to get a little positivity out. So yeah, if you managed to get through that, thank you. You have to live for yourself sometimes, be selfish and find something to be proud of yourself for, even if it's something silly like having a shower, cause sometimes that is the hardest thing to do in the world.

[just.me]

Hey you are in no way childish at all. In fact even if you were you are still a child, I'm 45 and I still believe I am 25, you never feel old.

When you fall out of love with someone you just don't look at them the same anymore, your feelings become brotherly/sisterly. People cannot help who they love, or for how long, he didnt' fall out of love on purpose.

At least he was honest.

It's good you have real nice friends, people to talk to, to help you in your time of need.

You will get over him and it will take time, but after you will be a better person for it.

We learn lots from the people we have relationships with, and we carry that with us for life. Learn to take the good things you had out of that relationship and apply them to the next.

Take care.