Blind Ambition

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Hello sorry to anyone who reads my posts or chats to me & I havent been very chatty of late, been rather caught up with exams at the moment.

But with my chocolate cadbury & Tea I promised myself to catch up with people on here after work....& this is now...

May have noticed a slightly odd title, thats what I am at the moment, blind ambition. I cant say im happy, im really not but some days are really good which is a change. This time though after the 'crash' I had im going to build myself back up slowly, doing it too fast only caused me to crash further....if you get me there

2 months or so, suppose its good that ive forgotten the date it was, since me & ex last spoke...id be lying if I said I dont miss her everyday and wonder how she is doing , but I , selfishly, need time. I mean the urge to speak to her has grown in the past few days but I saw she wrote on my housemates 'wall' (her cousin) and the sight of her name sent me into a spiral, as sad & weird as that sounds. I sat down , listened to some music and the feeling went away thankfully.

My blind ambition of late has been to do with that, this is the first place im saying this to 'test the waters'. My best friend is going to kill me if I ever say this to her i.e she though this person didnt 'give a shit about you (me)' she is rather blunt with her words.

I give that example its not going to look good on what im going to say but best friend doeosnt live where i live & while told her about the story she wasnt there for it all.

Suppose the question if IF, not saying I am, you were convinced about someone would you go back??? or would it be dragging youre head into the sand

Theres that feeling where I know I can do it but I wouldnt know how or IF it would work

BUT more to the point of this....again an update im sorry

Now anyone who has read my rambled knows im not too fond of my place in swansea, the people there mainly. I must say the other 2 girls in the house I have really made good friends of, they worried about me and I spoke to them about things in some way and when we went out for wine & tapas just us 3 the other night we had a nice chat about things. I did confess to thinking of moving or taking a year out. They understood, they would rather me stay but they understood all that has gone on, espeically with the other 2 people in the house.

I was pretty sure of taking a year out but then something else changed. Next year would be my final year and obviously that means dissertation. While always had my heart set on doing a dissertation there is the option of instead of doing a dissertation (although you do the same amount of words but a report & 2 essays) you could work as an intern at the Welsh Assembly with an elected member and work with the researchers etc.

I assume to readers that does not sound fantastic but my 'guilty pleasure' is politics, I could go on for hours and I would love to be PM Lewis at some point.

Its no guarantee if I sign up I get in, theres an interview and capped placements, its not cut & dried but IF I could I would be out of Swansea and in Cardiff for a day or two a week (only there 4 days as it is). Again a reader may think oh get a grip but I must spend less time in Swansea , there is too much water under the bridge so to speak, plus I get out doing something I really enjoy and would like to further

This ambition as ive discussed two examples here is blind and while I question the ambition i.e getting her back & furthering myself next year it makes me happy strangely despite all the pitfalls that could / would happen

As I must stress though im not rushing into anything at the moment , Im taking things slowly and building step by step beucase thats the way for more stability. Next week is exam time, the essays (which was so glad after last few months to find my marks have not dropped at all although for fear of sounding big headed I wont confess what the results were) went well and now got to push that on with exams which will be nerveracking but .........thats me.

Then after that the work for the final exam on June 1st can begin & choice about next year on June 7th and ive got the summer and then...who knows at the moment

I dont mean to ramble just want to show taking things step by step and im happier for it by taking each little step (how many times can i say step in a sentence )

Thankyou for reading & please forgive my grossly arrogant blind ambition