mjk Posted May 19, 2010 Report Share Posted May 19, 2010 Before I took really poorly, I'd started writing a few things down and giving them to my T at start of session to make sure we covered what I needed to. Made it easier for me to bring up difficult stuff too. He wants me to try start doing that again. Struggling to know what to write. Best I can come up with is that I'm scared to stop. I can feel everything bubbling under the surface. Feels like I'm avoiding my it. It being what? My thoughts and feelings? Not sure if that's helping. Think it's making it worse. But if I do try deal with what's going on inside my head, I know I'm likely not to handle it very well at all and will likely end up in hospital. Feels like I've got stuff I need to face, but not sure how to verbalise it or what it even is. Just know it's there, and it doesn't feel very nice. Am also worried about the upcoming CAF (no date set as yet), and how I'll handle it. I feel that it's pathetic that I can only come up with that. I don't know what else to say. xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
donnam Posted May 19, 2010 Report Share Posted May 19, 2010 hey hun can u write down that u are scared of caf? tell him that u are scared of stopping s/h cos scared support will reduce? (from prev posts) tell him scared of dealing with thoughts in head cos scared once brought to surface/in open wont be able to deal ad end up OD'ing (am guessing that was what u meant hun) hope some help and sending big hugs cad Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mjk Posted May 19, 2010 Author Report Share Posted May 19, 2010 hey hun can u write down that u are scared of caf? tell him that u are scared of stopping s/h cos scared support will reduce? (from prev posts) tell him scared of dealing with thoughts in head cos scared once brought to surface/in open wont be able to deal ad end up OD'ing (am guessing that was what u meant hun) hope some help and sending big hugs cad Hey, was just reading how you got on in therapy today, and how you feel like you can't even do therapy right. Snap!!! Don't be too hard on yourself. Takes so long to learn to open up, and even to have the guts to say what we really want to say, or scared to admit it even. I think I'm burying it right now, which is why my head is so confused. I want to say to him that I'm not proud I haven't OD'd for 15 days now, but would there be any point in that? I don't even know how to feel. :( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
donnam Posted May 19, 2010 Report Share Posted May 19, 2010 hugs hun, do u need to get checked out?worried bout u. thing is i try to be open with her told her more than anyone else, but obviously stil dont say the right words, hence why i tried to write it down but didnt read. cant win. tbh after today starting to wonder if i should bother with therapy. i think its good that he encourages u to writ things down, sorry not best with advice atm hun, but i am always here for u big hugs cad Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mjk Posted May 19, 2010 Author Report Share Posted May 19, 2010 hugs hun, do u need to get checked out?worried bout u. thing is i try to be open with her told her more than anyone else, but obviously stil dont say the right words, hence why i tried to write it down but didnt read. cant win. tbh after today starting to wonder if i should bother with therapy. i think its good that he encourages u to writ things down, sorry not best with advice atm hun, but i am always here for u big hugs cad Only need checking out mentally lol. HAVEN'T OD'd for over 2 weeks now. Like I said, not proud of it though. I think you should still bother with therapy. Have responded to your other post, so won't say any more about that here. We're all here for you. xxxxxxxxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
donnam Posted May 19, 2010 Report Share Posted May 19, 2010 well done hun, i am really proud of u (miss read 1st time) i know how hard that would have been on u too hunni. shows how much strength u have. cad Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sarabpd Posted May 19, 2010 Report Share Posted May 19, 2010 Good luck with tomorrow and it is a good idea to write things down . Will be thinking of you x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mjk Posted May 19, 2010 Author Report Share Posted May 19, 2010 Thanks guys. I appreciate your words. Have typed out what I want to say to him. The word 'scared' comes up alot. I am scared; of my thoughts, feelings, myself, this bloody illness and how it screws your head up. Even scared that I don't actually have BPD and am choosing to act and feel like this; that it's all in my mind. Meant to be going up to bed now but scared because as soon as I switch my laptop off, I'm alone with my thoughts. I feel like I try so hard to fight myself, but it's so exhausting. Sorry I'm always moaning. :( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snowman Posted May 20, 2010 Report Share Posted May 20, 2010 Good luck hun... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thesloaneranger Posted May 20, 2010 Report Share Posted May 20, 2010 good luck and i hope all goes well for you *hugs* try to relax and just let things come to the surface whilst you are there.....write things down to give to your T if you feel that can help. its not easy when theres so much going on in your head, but use your time to work on what YOU need to, and not what your T wants. take care xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mjk Posted May 20, 2010 Author Report Share Posted May 20, 2010 God, how I need a hug. Therapy was really, really tough today. My T was great with me, but very challenging. We talked about avoiding my thoughts etc, and where I see that as wrong and not dealing with stuff, he sees it as a way of managing. I feel like I need to work on what's behind me feeling like this, to make my illness go away, but he says would maybe be more useful goal for me for the next year or so to learn to manage it. Takes a lot of pressure off me. Can't remember much else. Head is in a spin. Managed to make lovely dinner for tea, and daughter threw some of it in bin behind my back. I flipped and slapped her across the face. I don't feel guilty. Am really pissed off she made me feel like this. Am sitting in the car outside the house now. Poised to go. Trying desperately to fight the urge. Trying to think what I'd achieve. My T said something about how he has a lot of faith in me; always has, and how he's willing to hold that idea for me until I can hold it myself. He said something about how he has a lot of admiration for people who have mental illnesses because of what they have to go through, and thinks we show a huge amount of strength and courage. He knows me well and knows how hard I try. He says he wouldn't be able to do it. I feel so very low just now. I don't know what to do. Once again, sorry for being such a miserable cow. xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
donnam Posted May 20, 2010 Report Share Posted May 20, 2010 sending big hugs hun. i think u did well cooking tea, and i know how it feels when gone to all that effort not to be eaten and appreciated. maybe when u are calmer apologise for slapping her, and ask her not to go behind your back in the future and eplain how it made u feel i think your t sounds great and that u are doing really well trying to open up and say how u feel, everything takes time, hun, just keep taking little steps and u will get there. love ang big hugs cad Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mjk Posted May 20, 2010 Author Report Share Posted May 20, 2010 Thanks hun. I appreciate it. Going out with support worker early tomoz (9am lol) so gonna try go sleep now coz bad enough in mornings anyway and took meds later than I should so she'll be lucky to get any sense out of me. Not been out with her for ages ie. before home treatment, so quite nervous but she's encouraging and I suspect she's gonna focus on trying to get me out more and engaged in activities. Can pick up where we left off re: house later. Take care xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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