hummm_mabbe Posted June 7, 2010 Report Share Posted June 7, 2010 Hello Wanted to get this out on page, rather than having it all swirl around inside Just had therapy session, and we talked about the abandonment feelings and stuff, and made a lot of connections and understandings as to why therapy has been so difficult for me. Felt good to get a lot of feelings out, little by little something is sort of feeling less afraid of me therapist, more able to trust and things, but I guess today was important cuz its like we are both on the same page and understand WHY its so hard for me to trust. We talked about some past incidents that triggered me, and what amazed me was that what I remember emotionally as feeling like a jet aircraft was taking off next to my head, on the outside it apparently didnt show at all. Somehow I have internal reactions that feel like a nuclear explosion is going off in my head and body, and on the outside, not a flicker. It explains so much about how people have reacted to me over the years ... Another thing was that apparently at first my T really did consider BPD as well as NPD (which I suspected meself as well) But she said she soon figured out I was much closer to the BPD side of things when she realised what the sort of compensatey / narcey behaviours were doing, and that she said she realised how much vulnerability there was right under the surface that someone with NPD just wouldnt have. She said I seem to sit across multiple diagnostic categories. It made me feel much better to know that she realises there are intense feelings just underneath. Was strangely genuinely pleased to hear that she felt I had always been closer to BPD, and that she had even discussed that in supervision. Tis interestin lol. That said, she works 'diagnosis-less' - she tries to work with the person rather than the label, which explains why we have rarely discussed BPD or anything like that. So anyway, some little part of me feels a bit better, though it was a difficult discussion to have at points especially as I was talking about some of the feelings of anger Ive felt at her. Always scares me to talk about feeling angry, I feel they will punish me and tell me to eff off ... Anyways, just wanted to get this out. Not really after any advice, suggestions or coping ideas, just wanted a waffle Ross Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boobsticle Posted June 7, 2010 Report Share Posted June 7, 2010 Glad it went well for you :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snowman Posted June 7, 2010 Report Share Posted June 7, 2010 Sounds productive Ross. Glad for you. FYI, I copied some of the recent stuff you have written to me and my T thought you had a really good grasp of key concepts and were very good at explaining things so clearly. She also liked how I could engage with it and apply it to my own therapy. For this I wanted to award you a gold star Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted June 7, 2010 Author Report Share Posted June 7, 2010 yayyyyy fankoo snowman, and glad the stuff helped you Nice to know my waffle can be helpie yayyyyyyy and has an official seal of approval lol. **wears gold star** Thanks for the mini hugglette arrakisey popington pootle person :lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sanctuary Posted June 7, 2010 Report Share Posted June 7, 2010 NPD?? in the same breath as Ross?? Nah... you are faaaaaaar to lovely!! Glad things are opening up for you in therapy ross, really am. It make all the difference. Well done to both of you, you and the therapist, sounds like you are making good progress together which is great. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pink stars Posted June 7, 2010 Report Share Posted June 7, 2010 I'm glad your therapy session went well for you, it can be difficult bring some things up and talking through things, I think you did really well :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted June 7, 2010 Author Report Share Posted June 7, 2010 NPD?? in the same breath as Ross?? Nah... you are faaaaaaar to lovely!! Glad things are opening up for you in therapy ross, really am. It make all the difference. Well done to both of you, you and the therapist, sounds like you are making good progress together which is great. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx LOL Im glad you would say that But I did tick some of the boxes believe it or not - more the status seeking stuff. It got me into trouble because I actually did come across as narcissistic, and thats what people reacted to. I was never abusive or anything, it was more the grandiosity part and a touch of entitlement, but so much changed when I had a major falling apart of my life, and realised something had to give. Made me a lot more vulnerable and realise that the compensations I was using played a massive part in the rejections and alienation (not to mention the huge losses I was experiencing with work and friends) I found around myself. That change happened pretty much the same time as I joined this place, which I came to because of the talk about me possibly having BPD and stuff. I realised how much I needed cuddles and have been seeking them ever since lol So I dont have me a proper box or label, I just straddle a load of diagnostic categories apparently. But my T said "when I read about NPD, I never think 'that describes Ross' " which made me feel better. Being dx'd NPD is like being told you are clinically a git ... Ross Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted June 7, 2010 Author Report Share Posted June 7, 2010 I'm glad your therapy session went well for you, it can be difficult bring some things up and talking through things, I think you did really well Whoooo ta fankoooo I did feel a bit horrid after, like I had just had an argument with someone. I feel awful when I criticise anybody at all, and feel all on edge and like Im waiting for something awful to happen, you know? Dunno if others get that too.... ((pink stars)) Ross Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sanctuary Posted June 7, 2010 Report Share Posted June 7, 2010 Well you are officially not a git then! Whoop whoop!! xxx ^_^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amaca Posted June 7, 2010 Report Share Posted June 7, 2010 Being dx'd NPD is like being told you are clinically a git ... Well yes. Easier to have though as you might never find out why everyone thinks you are completely git-like. On balance, I'd rather be neither. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted June 7, 2010 Author Report Share Posted June 7, 2010 Being dx'd NPD is like being told you are clinically a git ... Well yes. Easier to have though as you might never find out why everyone thinks you are completely git-like. On balance, I'd rather be neither. Lol I guess so :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dani Posted June 7, 2010 Report Share Posted June 7, 2010 glad it went well for you. i always feel a bit shit afterwards too-i hope it passes soon for you xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted June 7, 2010 Author Report Share Posted June 7, 2010 glad it went well for you. i always feel a bit shit afterwards too-i hope it passes soon for you xxx It is the fact that we are sort of dealing with my negative feelings towards her - the ways I feel angry and things. Ive been bunging all that up for ages, months, maybe even years. I feel like if I say those things out loud, she will not want to help me and will get angry and fed up, and even though she was doing her utmost to make sure I knew that she wasnt going to, it all felt so dangerous to be saying. So some iccle part of me is sort of waiting for the bad thing to happen, if you know what I mean? I bit like "oh just get it over with"? Dunno if that makes sense .. I mean its not that I feel bad cuz we covered old stuff from the past that was painful, it was dealing with the therapy relationship itself. Thats the focus of my therapy at the mo you see, my trustey prollems, so that means working thru that stuff with me T. Its just horrid though ... but I guess I can see ive made a lot of progress in that. The fact I can even say it out loud is a sign that things have changed I suppose .. Hmm I need huggles :grouphug[1]: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dani Posted June 7, 2010 Report Share Posted June 7, 2010 :hug2: im not great with words tonight but im always here for a hug. i think you are doing great to be able to talk through all this xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted June 7, 2010 Author Report Share Posted June 7, 2010 HUGGAMIFFIC Ross Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
grumpykitten Posted June 7, 2010 Report Share Posted June 7, 2010 hummm_mabbe, on 07 June 2010 - 05:23 PM, said: Being dx'd NPD is like being told you are clinically a git ... Lol That made me laugh for the first time in weeks. Thank you! x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted June 7, 2010 Author Report Share Posted June 7, 2010 hummm_mabbe, on 07 June 2010 - 05:23 PM, said: Being dx'd NPD is like being told you are clinically a git ... Lol That made me laugh for the first time in weeks. Thank you! x Ooooo glad you felt a bit of happie :lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sundries Posted June 10, 2010 Report Share Posted June 10, 2010 true but being told you are bpd is like being told you are clinically a bunny killer and no one likes you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boobsticle Posted June 10, 2010 Report Share Posted June 10, 2010 :lol: :lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted June 10, 2010 Report Share Posted June 10, 2010 Hi honey, I've only just read this as I wasn't up for processing intelligent stuff last few days. But now I've read it I'm happy to hear that you are not a git!!! ROFL That is like the quote of the century or what! I am so glad to hear you are facing a lot of things that you have shyed away from for so long, another part of the engine is built and eventually you will have the whole engine re-built and a smoothe ride! Oh yeah baby xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted June 10, 2010 Author Report Share Posted June 10, 2010 true but being told you are bpd is like being told you are clinically a bunny killer and no one likes you. No one here would ever kill bunnies. Chocolate ones maybe, but not the hugglie fluffle variety Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted June 10, 2010 Author Report Share Posted June 10, 2010 Hi honey, I've only just read this as I wasn't up for processing intelligent stuff last few days. But now I've read it I'm happy to hear that you are not a git!!! ROFL That is like the quote of the century or what! I am so glad to hear you are facing a lot of things that you have shyed away from for so long, another part of the engine is built and eventually you will have the whole engine re-built and a smoothe ride! Oh yeah baby xxx Huuloz Yus ta lol Went to meditation class last night again, so got more new emotional information to consider and things. Ross Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted June 10, 2010 Report Share Posted June 10, 2010 Oh excellent! You wanna talk about it hun? xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted June 10, 2010 Author Report Share Posted June 10, 2010 Oh excellent! You wanna talk about it hun? xxx Erm wellz I guess so ... I mean, I didnt really come away feeling good, but it wasnt that anyone did anything bad. It was just me own head really. I did learn a bit about whats going on for me - like, in the past ive wondered if I might be autistic, because I dont always follow the conversation or pick up on 'cues', but that never quite fit because it wasnt with everyone, and when i went through my one year breakthrough, all that vanished. What I realised last night is I am 'lifting out' - I think its called derealization, where the world starts to look flat and odd, like theres a barrier between you and other things. Its happening because I feel anxious, and it stops me feeling properly and so i cant pick up on the subtle cues when with people who intimidate me, but am fine with those who dont. Its like I lose the sense of when to reply, how to reply, and instead I have to 'manufacture' what I think may be the right reaction to what they have said. Is quite disconcerting. Also I realise how defective and crap I feel about myself. There is a guy there who I like, but he he very charismatic and so easy to get on with. I sort of felt really stiggy and uninteresting compared to him, and I always have this fear that Im coming across as conceited or stuck up, whether I am or not, so after a while I found myself 'seeing' others looking at him with glowing "arent you wonderful" faces, and at me with "oh dear, you're talking again" type faces. So I realised I am feeling quite depressed, jealous and detachey / anxiousness. In the past I wouldnt really have been aware of all that and I could see why I have tended to try to overcompensate in those situations - try to be entertaining or babble or whatever. I just tried to use the mindfulness really - to accept the depressey feelings, the angry feelings and so on. It was kind of weird to just 'surf' my inner dialogue rather than living out of it and taking it as gospel. Then afterwards, my brain flashes up snippets of conversation at me, things Ive said, and then it panics over them, so I had to sit back and be aware of all that too, but not engage with it. The thing that struck me is that my brain is running itself so fast, all the time, without me doing or saying anything, that contact with people is just DRAINING. I sort of left feeling knackered, anxious and depressed and TBH by and large the evening was fine ... its just all that inner noise. Guess I just have to keep carrying on and stuff ... Ross Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted June 10, 2010 Report Share Posted June 10, 2010 This sounds a lot like what I do but I never knew the name for it. I also leave social situations with situations/convos going round and round in my brain and I agnosie over each little detail. Did I say the right thing there? They may have taken that as meaning such a such, or even to things like should I have offered them a chair or did my body language make them think Iwas bored.... it goes on and on and yes it is TOTALLY draining. Do you have unrelenting standards as one of your core lifetraps?????? You are doing soooo well honey. To have even showed up is amazing. I think the more you go the easier it will become. And it's also great that you can share and talk about it as it's kinda like de-briefing aftera special-ops mission! xxx I often wonder if people see me as stuck up and I know a few people on here have said I can come across like that, but I also wonder if that is just their assumptioon of what a quiet / aloof / detatchey person is thinking and feeling based on their own issues. Rose xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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