Villan Posted June 10, 2010 Report Share Posted June 10, 2010 I understand what you two are talking about... As you know, I am just starting to be more sociable at cricket this year... What with the bowling week last sat and also I stayed at the club until 11.30pm sat jus gone... I am at the moment, trying NOT to overanalyse the conversations I was having, trying NOT to beat myself up about "you should have said this not that, when he said this to yuo" There is an overwhelming urge to run and hide cos it is causing me discomfort... but where would the point be in doing that... i know that cricket is a SAFE environment for me to be doing this stuff... and if i dont do it now i prolly never will... But i so understand the pain and discomfort these cycling thoughts and feelings cause... jus wanted to say that really... PS Roses, you dont come across like that to me - you just say things as you see them, which is a good quality, sometimes i think is a part of what the person doesnt WANT to hear... which, as you say, is their issue... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted June 10, 2010 Report Share Posted June 10, 2010 Thanks Chips. xxxxx Perhaps we should start a "reaching out into the abyss" club????? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Villan Posted June 10, 2010 Report Share Posted June 10, 2010 i actually think i am throwing myself into the abyss rather than jus reaching out lol... but yea we can start a club - as long as we get t-shirts printed.. xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted June 10, 2010 Author Report Share Posted June 10, 2010 Hullo you twos I dunno if this is the same for you, but I find I dont actually have a choice in whether my brain decides to re-run aspects of the conversation. This is what mindfulness has shown me - when your mind is focused on one thing, like the breath, you notice how thoughts just appear. They arent invited ... and whenever I have any social experiecne there is just an autmomatic bodily sensation, like an uneasiness, that tells me "brain is about to regale you with all your errors". I have actually tried suppressing these thoughts - focusing on something else, like thinking about other stuff, or holding my attention on my breath of my footsteps. 'Changing the subject' in my mind when I realise brain is doing it. What I realise is the thoughts are intrusive, not invited or chosen. I am not thinking these thoughts, my brain is! So I have to use mindfulness, note the moment my mind has wandered, and then bring it back to the breath or whatever, again and again until the feeling subsides. But then they do 'staelth attacks' later on, eg in the evening when doing something else, or in the morning when I wake up. So I guess the idea of chooisng not to think about is kind of oversimplifying the nature of the effort I have to make. Its like a bloody military operation! My T calls it the 'post event processing' which is apparently very common in social anxiety, and I have struggled to make her understand that I have no choice in those thoughts. There is just a discomfort that grips my body, and then **pop pop pop** up flash the conversation snippets - fragments of audio or images, action replays. There is honestly no choice in it at all - apart from the choice to keep brining my awareness back to my breath or footsteps. Guess I shall have to persevere with that. I know CBT for social anxiety disorder 'bans' the post event processing, but then that makes me think that for folks with pure social anxiety there actually IS a choice... I dont know. Guess I will just persevere with what Im doing... Ross Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Villan Posted June 10, 2010 Report Share Posted June 10, 2010 yeah, i try and catch myself before i get too caught up - cos the analysing IS totally irrational and as you said intrusive... Mindfullness Rocks... i KNOW for a fact that they like me, i also know that they love the fact that i join in more these days and that they ARE interested in what i have to say... It IS just my brain being irrational, i have done the CBT type for and against thingie, and i have come to the conclusion that the best way is just to get on and do it, live with the feelings and hopefully will get better with time... Kinda like the way i combatted eating proper - i made myself cook or at least eat something as soon as i got home from work every day - was a struggle at the start, but after about 2 months it is now second nature to me.... I am hoping that tackling this issue in kinda the same "act like the person you wanna be" way and the end will justify the means... Worth a try at least :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted June 10, 2010 Report Share Posted June 10, 2010 Ross, who said that you choose to think these things? I'm a little confused cos I agree they are totally automatic and nothing we can control they just kind of pop up and swim round our brains. Sorry if that is what you thought I said, I didn't mean that. xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted June 10, 2010 Author Report Share Posted June 10, 2010 Ross, who said that you choose to think these things? I'm a little confused cos I agree they are totally automatic and nothing we can control they just kind of pop up and swim round our brains. Sorry if that is what you thought I said, I didn't mean that. xxx Hiya Nah its ok. My T has on occasion made me feel that way - as though its something I am actually stubbornly refusing to stop, rather than something I have absolutely no choice in Gunna keep on keeping on, use the mindfulness and meditation, keep going to class, see what happens and that ... work through the crappy feelings with T and stuffz Rossie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roxy222 Posted June 10, 2010 Report Share Posted June 10, 2010 well done ross if ok to go back to your original post, i think the npd stuff is kinda worth looking at and this is not easy to say (being the daughter of a npd evil abusive mother) but having narsasstic traits is a natural thing. god thats not comfortable to say. theres actually really interesting stuff iv read on this before and now long since lost the details of, about how children of narsasstic parents, especially mothers cause they often have more influence as often the primary carer, automaticly develope narsasstic and co narsasstic traits. its a natural defense, and grandiosity is a slightly easier term to use to help find alittle compassion for the need to fall back on such a defense. underneath there is so much fraility and vulnerablity and i guess the way (although never this simple) to lessen the need to use such a defense is to learn to be comfortable feeling these feelings which reqires finding safety and comfort for yourself, and some form of understanding that the threat is no longer present, and that even if there is threat it is not going to cause you to fall to pieces, that now adult you can commit to supportig yourself and most scaredest feelings even if feeling weak. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted June 10, 2010 Author Report Share Posted June 10, 2010 well done ross if ok to go back to your original post, i think the npd stuff is kinda worth looking at and this is not easy to say (being the daughter of a npd evil abusive mother) but having narsasstic traits is a natural thing. god thats not comfortable to say. theres actually really interesting stuff iv read on this before and now long since lost the details of, about how children of narsasstic parents, especially mothers cause they often have more influence as often the primary carer, automaticly develope narsasstic and co narsasstic traits. its a natural defense, and grandiosity is a slightly easier term to use to help find alittle compassion for the need to fall back on such a defense. underneath there is so much fraility and vulnerablity and i guess the way (although never this simple) to lessen the need to use such a defense is to learn to be comfortable feeling these feelings which reqires finding safety and comfort for yourself, and some form of understanding that the threat is no longer present, and that even if there is threat it is not going to cause you to fall to pieces, that now adult you can commit to supportig yourself and most scaredest feelings even if feeling weak. Hi Roxy Me and T do accept there is some grandiosity there for me - I know a lot of my masks and my compensations have very much been on the grandiose edge. Quite early on I read a book about shadow work, which though the whole approach of it wasnt mega useful, gave me the idea that I needed to accept my 'dark' side if I was going to get anywhere. Its one of those things I try to just accept in the grand scheme of who I am, but as you say the words we have for it dont make it easy to talk about. Ross Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roxy222 Posted June 10, 2010 Report Share Posted June 10, 2010 hey, i found one article i member reading about narsassism and co-narsassism, by alan rappoport (and thats not one of my usual spelling mistakes) its about how we adapt to npd parents and im assuming its easy to google cause i cant figure out where else i would have got it onto my computer otherwise, iv got a feeling this guy has a gd website also. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted June 10, 2010 Author Report Share Posted June 10, 2010 Hi roxy Thank you for that, I will have a lookie Ross Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
angel tears Posted June 11, 2010 Report Share Posted June 11, 2010 Hi Ross ((((ross)))), glad your session went well, just reading through this about NPD is really interesting as my hubby seems to have a mum and dad abit like that, i can see where he gets some of it from especially the grandiose!. Is causing alot of clashes recently as his mum has been trying to control our marriage!!! but i wont go into that here. Keep up the good work xxxxxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted June 11, 2010 Author Report Share Posted June 11, 2010 Hi Ross ((((ross)))), glad your session went well, just reading through this about NPD is really interesting as my hubby seems to have a mum and dad abit like that, i can see where he gets some of it from especially the grandiose!. Is causing alot of clashes recently as his mum has been trying to control our marriage!!! but i wont go into that here. Keep up the good work xxxxxxxxxxx Fankoooo :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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