Katherine Posted April 16, 2005 Report Share Posted April 16, 2005 I need a hug...... please... I never thought I would get this far, with only one day left until therapy resumes...I haven't completely broken down, I haven't had to have sick leave, I haven't landed up in the Central Mid, I haven't self harmed or felt suicidal.... And my flatmate cares, not long ago had a conversation with her, she asked me how I am, really, and she is really looking out for me, even to the point I can knock on her bedroom door if things are terrible again during a night... And people at work are empathic and understanding, a colleague, who is 18, was really kind and inclusive and caring today...unexpected... YET I feel very depressed, very down and everything seems an effort. I am so so tired still, I struggled through work today...part of me wants to just collapse and give up and take to my bed indefinitely...but another part of me won't allow that, couldn't cope with that. I want to be looked after, but I have to fight that collapse and keep growing somehow, keep up my life...even when everything feels so flat. It feels such a struggle. There is no denying it---I AM depressed. I feel the pain of longing to be believed in acutely....Though when I am so depressed and regressed and not performing to my fuller potential, it can't be easy to have a lot for others to believe in in me. Yet that longing is there with me. I wish living my life didn't take up so much energy. My 'punitive parent' takes energy away from me, I still have to fight its draining disappointing attacks...I wish I had more energy to do so... Please, I would like a hug very much... Katie (yes, this is kari, but please can you call me by my name just now, Katie, please????thanks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alexa Posted April 16, 2005 Report Share Posted April 16, 2005 ((((((Katie)))))) Sorry you're feeling low. Your flatmate sounds pretty cool, it's nice knowing you have somebody to talk to, right? Hope you feel better soon xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katherine Posted April 16, 2005 Author Report Share Posted April 16, 2005 thanks Alexa...... multicoloured hug is nice....and yes, it is good to know that my flatmate cares....cos one thing I need to do and that is talk.... Katie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alexa Posted April 16, 2005 Report Share Posted April 16, 2005 Here if u want to chat hun xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JTBadBug Posted April 16, 2005 Report Share Posted April 16, 2005 Hi Katie, So today has not been one of your better days and you had even had a good nights sleep, mind you, you have a lot of sleep to catch up on. The good thing is, you have coped and been strong over the last three and a half weeks and you should feel proud of yourself, you have just one more day to get through without your therapist - I won't say on your own, because, you have a caring flatmate and the friendly bunch from here with you. Do take care, look on the good things you have achieved over the last few weeks and stand tall, try and put a smile on your face, share a cup of tea with your flatmate then retire to read your book in pleasure. Well done, and, I know I am rambling, but, congratulations on surviving in style. Take care and, don't fall off your chair, as I will share a hug today. Jane :bigarmhug[1]: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jo Posted April 16, 2005 Report Share Posted April 16, 2005 (((((((((((((((((katie))))))))))))))))))))) well done for getting through the day, for going into work, for not giving up. keep on fighting it, even though everything is a effort, just don’t give up sending you lots of hugs, look after yourself, tc jo xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyMacbeth Posted April 16, 2005 Report Share Posted April 16, 2005 ((((((((((((((Katie)))))))))))))))))) I am sorry you are feeling so bad. I am happy to hear that you can turn to your roommates and other friends for support. One more day and you see your therapist. I am sure you will feel a lot better after getting your feelings out. You last a few weeks without seeing your T and now you only have to wait one more day...a little over 24 hours. Emma xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moonshadow Posted April 16, 2005 Report Share Posted April 16, 2005 (((((((((((katie))))))))))) moonshadow Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
timeforheroes Posted April 16, 2005 Report Share Posted April 16, 2005 (((((((((katie))))))))) you sound like you've been doing well. hang in there. ross xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TRISH Posted April 16, 2005 Report Share Posted April 16, 2005 I need a hug...... please... I never thought I would get this far, with only one day left until therapy resumes...I haven't completely broken down, I haven't had to have sick leave, I haven't landed up in the Central Mid, I haven't self harmed or felt suicidal.... And my flatmate cares, not long ago had a conversation with her, she asked me how I am, really, and she is really looking out for me, even to the point I can knock on her bedroom door if things are terrible again during a night... And people at work are empathic and understanding, a colleague, who is 18, was really kind and inclusive and caring today...unexpected... YET I feel very depressed, very down and everything seems an effort. I am so so tired still, I struggled through work today...part of me wants to just collapse and give up and take to my bed indefinitely...but another part of me won't allow that, couldn't cope with that. I want to be looked after, but I have to fight that collapse and keep growing somehow, keep up my life...even when everything feels so flat. It feels such a struggle. There is no denying it---I AM depressed. I feel the pain of longing to be believed in acutely....Though when I am so depressed and regressed and not performing to my fuller potential, it can't be easy to have a lot for others to believe in in me. Yet that longing is there with me. I wish living my life didn't take up so much energy. My 'punitive parent' takes energy away from me, I still have to fight its draining disappointing attacks...I wish I had more energy to do so... Please, I would like a hug very much... Katie (yes, this is kari, but please can you call me by my name just now, Katie, please????thanks <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TRISH Posted April 16, 2005 Report Share Posted April 16, 2005 :wub: HI NEED A HUG.I JUST LOGGED ON AND READ YOUR MESSAGE, AND WANT TO SAY I HOPE YOU FEEL BETTER SOON AND HOPE YOU DONT MIND ME SAYING SO, BUT I AM SUPER DEPRESSED TOO AND I KNOW HOW IT FEELS MAJOR YUK! I JUST FOUND THE SITE AND IM REALLY GLAD ABOUT THAT BUT SORRY YOU DONT FEEL SO GOOD HOPE THIS HELPS A LITTLE? AND YOUR DEFINETLY NOT ALONE AND I THINK ITS GREAT YOU HAVE A COOL ROOMIE,AND FRIENDS HERE TOO HELP YOU THROUGH. AND I THINK YOU HAVE LOTS OF COURAGE! LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU. BYE FOR NOW,TRISH FROM USA Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katherine Posted April 17, 2005 Author Report Share Posted April 17, 2005 thanks for all your kind messages....This morning I'm too zoned out on the zopiclone still in addition to the efexor to be really feeling lots..except weepy...at least I got a lie in this morning as I don't start work till 12 today... Am feeling a little insecure this morning---felt I was getting in the way when we were all wanting to use the bathroom/shower and I had to wait...(I usually time it so I slip in when I know neither of them need to use it..) and when I don't feel 'so welcome' I start to get anxious and feel that all that was said yesterday evening is discounted...I know its likely only my immature thinking....but still... So to get all your messages this morning is heartening... Yes, only 24 hours and 5 minutes to go.....whewwww.... And I HAVE made it through pretty well...minus my 'total flip-out' incident that I still feel ashamed of... Thanks again.. Katie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moonshadow Posted April 17, 2005 Report Share Posted April 17, 2005 take care today moonshadow Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katherine Posted April 17, 2005 Author Report Share Posted April 17, 2005 thanks, moonshadow. Katie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
debs Posted April 17, 2005 Report Share Posted April 17, 2005 hi babes hpoe today is better for you love debs :wub: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laxgirl Posted April 17, 2005 Report Share Posted April 17, 2005 Katie, I hope today gets brighter and easier for you. You'll be in my thoughts...and I know I'm a day behind on the other request...but here ya go anyway!!! {{{{{BIG BIG HUGS}}}}} Take care Katie! luv, Chrissy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janie Posted April 17, 2005 Report Share Posted April 17, 2005 (((((((((((((((KATIE)))))))))))))) Hope you are haveing a better day today Katie..... thinking of you and knowing what "depressed" feels like luv Janie xxx :hug2: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alexa Posted April 17, 2005 Report Share Posted April 17, 2005 Hey Katie, how are you today? xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katherine Posted April 17, 2005 Author Report Share Posted April 17, 2005 Hi, well I got through the 5 hours work, feeling *fairly* awake... I'm feeling just sad and anxious and shaky just now... Am going to try and not take a Zopi tonight as I want to be fairly alert for therapy... I am also confused because one of the things my flatmate said to me last night---her mum is a therapist, and my flatmate told me how she has told her a bit about me (that's ok, it means I matter) and her mother has offered to give me an independent consultation on the suitability of my current therapy/therapist.... This is very very kind and sweet of her, esp as she is offering it for free...but I can't help feeling terribly confused and insecure. After all, its not the fault of my therapy or therapist that I am depressed/have BPD.... Its MY responsibility how I am and how I use what I am given. For sure it brings up agonising unconscious material, but I AM getting better, I AM more aware... I've *simply* been through a hell of a lot of changes in the past 6 months, including leaving the group (which was REALLY messing me up...)and... *confused and insecure and trying to hang onto what I know myself* Thanks for listening... Katie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JTBadBug Posted April 17, 2005 Report Share Posted April 17, 2005 Hi Katie, I can understand why you would be confused by your flatmates offer, why would another therapist was to access what someone else was doing....I would think it would be difficult for you to win from such a chat, although, I could very well be wrong. If she said your therapist was fine, then neither of you have really gained and life would carry on (am I being a cynic thinking people are always looking for gain?), if she told you your therapist was not right - where would you go from there - what a dilema you would be in. If you are happy with your therapist, and I believe you are, then I would not even consider rocking the boat. Can I ask you, have you deteriorated since initially starting therapy? I sometimes feel that it did me more harm than good, but, I am considering trying it again...I don't really know what to do myself...mind you this is not the time for that. Anyway, I shall leave you in peace, but, I like listening to you and I really hope tomorrow goes well - what time is your appointment? Do take care and smile tomorrow. Jane xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyMacbeth Posted April 17, 2005 Report Share Posted April 17, 2005 Hi Katie, Its not a good idea to talk to two therapists at once. If you are happy stick to your current therapist. However, if you feel as if you may want to go through a free consultation because you may lrespond to her techniques better then I do not see the harm in that. Emma Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katherine Posted April 17, 2005 Author Report Share Posted April 17, 2005 Thanks Jane.... I think its more a question of stirring up, shifting balances, making changes, seeing clearly, accepting reality....rather than having deteriorated...I have been down and depressed and anxious for years, but also numbed and not living properly, I am in the limbo phase of FEELING all these shit feelings and the longing and yearning and need and anger... I do wish I felt better about myself though.... But I AM getting there. It NEEDS to be a long term thing for me as one of my wounds was so so so early... I said to my flatmate that I would see how things go as I start back. I am NOT willing to rock the boat at all--its bloody well rocked enough...hold the boat steady is what I say... Those are my thoughts anyway.. Its at 10.30 tomorrow morning, until 11.30. Thanks, Katie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JTBadBug Posted April 17, 2005 Report Share Posted April 17, 2005 How did I deteriorate: I was very depressed and down, I felt the need to talk, but, the more I talk the more angry and aggitated I get. I need life to change, but, I don't know how to make that happen, I am not sure about therapy, I crave it at the moment...that has to be the first warning sign, when I really need something, then it should be avoided because when I bow to it, then the flood gates open. Not sure if that will make any sense. I do feel I need to grow up, I am very immature, but, ...I don't know. Its the ends I really can't cope with. I think very highly of you, so just how you tell me I am no scum bag, let me tell you, you are wonderful and when you tell yourself otherwise, say, no I am not bad everyone on BPD World tells me I am great - you are great. I hope tomorrow goes really well for you, I shall be thinking about you at 10:30, I will have a smile on my face. Take care and have a good evening, Jane xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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