Sometimes I'm Convinced I'm Making This All Up

[buryifromsun]

Sometimes I'm convinced I'm making this all up. Really.

Sometimes I think all the ideas I've got about whats wrong with my life are all wrong and I'm just some spoilt brat throwing a wobbly because she can't cope with life and my problem isnt my problems my problem is that I just can't cope with life.

I dont know what I think, what I want, who I am or whats going on anymore.

I'm not even sure if I believe that. Then I feel like I'm going crazy because I'm sure something is up but can't put my finger on what it is.

I feel like such an attention seeker, I've seen and heard some stories on here which are (if you don't mind me saying) far worse than anything I've been through. My issues (if I have any) are for sure, not as severe as some of the others posters on this board.

I then wonder how 'ill' do you have to be before you're mentally 'ill' and where am I on this spectrum and do I really need to take anti-depressants because sometimes I feel ok and am I ok because I really am ok or do I just think I'm ok because I'm so used to not being ok that not being ok is the norm for me.

I drive myself INSANE thinking about this.

PLEASE, does anybody else feel this way about themselves? I've given myself a headache and a major stress just thinking about it.

[AmyP]

I have times (a lot of them) when i'm absolutely convinced that im making everything i have 'wrong' with me up. Some sort of attention seeking plan that im not aware of. My story is a boring and uneventful one and nothing like the problems others have had to deal with. Sometimes i feel like i dont deserve to be ill, what excuse could i possibly have? I feel like everything i do is for attention, and maybe it is.

Dont worry your not alone. Ive cancelled appointments and driven myself mad thinking about this xxx

[rmorgan_uk]

yes i do this as well.

i dont relly know how to explain it either. i somtimes thing there is nothing wrong with me ive just wasted my life. i think it is part and parcel of having depresion and anxiety issues.

sorry i cnat be of more help but at least you know you not alone in this thought.

[fedup!]

Yep, been there too. The only time I can convince myself I'm ill is when I end up on my bedroom floor sobbing. Even then, I'm ashamed and shout at myself 'cos there's so many people worse off than I am, or ever will be.

But thats such a useless train of thought and doesn't help! Better to talk everything through in a forum like this or with someone who truly knows what its like to feel like this. Or an open-minded friend

Try not to feel ashamed fudge, completely understand where you're coming from with this one! xxxxxx

[buryifromsun]

Ah thanks guys. I hope this has helped you all feel less alone, I guess thats the idea of this place.

Gah. Its SO hard when the thing that gets you here in the first place makes you doubt that the thing which is causing it actually exists.... what a head fuck. (I've had such a SHIT day today.)

I guess now when I feel like this I can feel safer writing it down as part of my wider issues. If I do that I find I can ignore it- once its explained I don't need to stress about it, just deal with it. Understanding brings acceptance.

Hope you guys are all well. xx

[Bigmouth_strikes_again]

I often wonder the same things. It's so confusing and frustrating going from being sure i'm ill, to thinking i'm just making it up or just exaggerating everything. It puts me off getting help when i need it most. Although i'm glad to know it's not just me who thinks like this.

[Lily-Bee]

Oh yes Ive often thought maybe Im just too lazy to fix myself.....

I think though given a choice no one would decide hey lets feel miserable,lets have issue's.

We all know the attention is not worth the pain we suffer......

Lilly

[buryifromsun]

Thats a good point Lily- I'm trying hard as I can to hide this from some people, why would I do that if I was an attention seeker?

[Lily-Bee]

Exactly! Im glad you see that.

Lilly

[hummm_mabbe]

I often feel this way too, because I was always being told it through being iccle, me teens ...

In fact what I noticed was that, when something happened to me and I reacted, I was 'being oversensitive'. But when the exact same thing happened to THEM, and they reacted just as hysterically (or even aggressively), it was somehow ok for them to do it. When they did it, it was 'different', though exactly how they seemed at a loss to descibe. Their hysteria was justified, mine was evidence of deep, irredeemable flaws.

It makes you feel crazy doesnt it? Like, why is it ok for everyone else to get angry about stuff, and not me? Can I trust my feelings?

After a while, you begin to believe the hype, and then you really do feel crazy. You really do believe you are making it up, every time you feel something. Almost as though feelings themselves become evidence of your flaws. You get that voice inside, saying "you shouldnt feel this way, no one else would behave like that". And the more you hear that voice, the more your reactions really DO become extreme. And that little voice gets to sit back smugly, and go "see"?

As foiled says, dont believe it!

Ross

[canadianbumble]

I think as Ross says invalidated feelings. And I'm still being told: "Think of the poor children in Africa, your suffering is nothing to what they're suffering. Grow up. shut up, spoilt little madam. Your just a drunk lush." my H called me. Well I'm not sure he even knows what that is. I just feel guilty and more guilty and then I shut up don't say anything til it spills over. my self-hatred just reaches monumental proportions. Bumble xox

[hummm_mabbe]

I think as Ross says invalidated feelings. And I'm still being told: "Think of the poor children in Africa, your suffering is nothing to what they're suffering. Grow up. shut up, spoilt little madam. Your just a drunk lush." my H called me. Well I'm not sure he even knows what that is. I just feel guilty and more guilty and then I shut up don't say anything til it spills over. my self-hatred just reaches monumental proportions. Bumble xox

I think the hardest part is that we go through our lives waiting for permission from those very people that have denied us it. Its like they tell us we have no right, and rather than say "oh yes I do, and if you cant take it Ill just go find someone who's not so anally retentive", we tend to PLEAD with them. We seem to try to negotiate for a right to feel.

And then they just invalidate again - and we start to feel crazy. We snap, and they go "see? look at the state of you". The whole time we are waiting for them to validate us, we stay stuck. They are never going to, because they cannot. It is not us - its them, but we go through life clinging to the idea they will change, when they wont. We even find new people to replace the old invalidators - move on from the parents to find the invalidating partner. Or we seem to be magnetically drawn to the a-hole at work that treats us that way too, and find ourselves getting stressed beyond belief trying to behave 'just right' so they respect us.

Somehow or other, we have to let go of that need for them to change, but Im still working on the Rossie Anti-Invalidato-Formula and not quite got it perfected ....

Ross

[canadianbumble]

Oh I await with excited anticipation over Rossie Antivalidato-Formula. Will you be selling it on the shopping channel? If so do you do buy one get one free or complementary Rossie magical All-better-salve if I buy within the next ten minutes? Bumble x

[hummm_mabbe]

Oh I await with excited anticipation over Rossie Antivalidato-Formula. Will you be selling it on the shopping channel? If so do you do buy one get one free or complementary Rossie magical All-better-salve if I buy within the next ten minutes? Bumble x

**plots evil but kind business empire**

[identity crisis]

Sometimes I'm convinced I'm making this all up. Really.

Sometimes I think all the ideas I've got about whats wrong with my life are all wrong and I'm just some spoilt brat throwing a wobbly because she can't cope with life and my problem isnt my problems my problem is that I just can't cope with life.

I dont know what I think, what I want, who I am or whats going on anymore.

I'm not even sure if I believe that. Then I feel like I'm going crazy because I'm sure something is up but can't put my finger on what it is.

I feel like such an attention seeker, I've seen and heard some stories on here which are (if you don't mind me saying) far worse than anything I've been through. My issues (if I have any) are for sure, not as severe as some of the others posters on this board.

I then wonder how 'ill' do you have to be before you're mentally 'ill' and where am I on this spectrum and do I really need to take anti-depressants because sometimes I feel ok and am I ok because I really am ok or do I just think I'm ok because I'm so used to not being ok that not being ok is the norm for me.

I drive myself INSANE thinking about this.

PLEASE, does anybody else feel this way about themselves? I've given myself a headache and a major stress just thinking about it.

This is exactly how I feel alot of the time, I could have written this myself to be honest. I've driven myself insane going over and over it in my head because others have had it far worse than me and others are suffering far worse than me that obviously i'm making it all up, theres inconsistencies in what i say (which is a bpd trait) so therefore must be making it up, am i just some kid throwing a temper tantrum because she doesnt want to deal with life? I've been in psychiatric wards consumed by everything you've just written convinced that the staff are all thinking the same thing and i'm wasting everyones time being there because i'm a fake and a fraud who wont face up to life.

I can't offer any advice on how to change the way you think and feel about it but i can tell you i'm right there with you.

((((((((((hugs))))))))))

Identity Crisis

[Nina of the Light]

I think the one thing that helps me with this is by saying.... My trauma might not have been the WORST out there, but it was the WORST thing that happened in my life. AND that's how you validate your feelings.

We can't compare trauma or hurt, we can only identify and find comfort that the shit we went through, however minute it may seem like in comparison, was the worst thing that happened to us and THAT COUNTS.

Your trauma matters. Your issues matter. and so do mine. I'm tired of feeling bad because i don't have BPD "bad enough" or i "look too well". Fuck that. I hurt too!!!

I feel ya on this one, Fudgecake. Don't invalidate your own experiences. Own them.

Nina

[Tim101]

Sometimes I'm convinced I'm making this all up. Really.

Sometimes I think all the ideas I've got about whats wrong with my life are all wrong and I'm just some spoilt brat throwing a wobbly because she can't cope with life and my problem isnt my problems my problem is that I just can't cope with life.

I dont know what I think, what I want, who I am or whats going on anymore.

I'm not even sure if I believe that. Then I feel like I'm going crazy because I'm sure something is up but can't put my finger on what it is.

I feel like such an attention seeker, I've seen and heard some stories on here which are (if you don't mind me saying) far worse than anything I've been through. My issues (if I have any) are for sure, not as severe as some of the others posters on this board.

I then wonder how 'ill' do you have to be before you're mentally 'ill' and where am I on this spectrum and do I really need to take anti-depressants because sometimes I feel ok and am I ok because I really am ok or do I just think I'm ok because I'm so used to not being ok that not being ok is the norm for me.

I drive myself INSANE thinking about this.

PLEASE, does anybody else feel this way about themselves? I've given myself a headache and a major stress just thinking about it.

lol I know exactly what you mean! I recently ended up in a mental health institution after the police grabbed me from the top of a multi story car park. I could have sworn I told them I was just enjoying the view but they obviously realised I meant to jump.

Anyway just a week into my time there I really felt quite stupid for even getting to that point. The worst part was I was surrounded by people who weren’t even able to live in normal society yet they wanted to with all their will. Most couldn’t even accept they were ill even though anyone could see the problems. I think you can imagine how silly I felt but then also I realised I was the one person there who didn’t want to live so I must be ill too?

Then I get caught in that circle and wonder if I’m making it up in my head, but there’s good evidence to suggest I’m not? Lol anyway I have quite a dark sense of humour having dealt with depression for so long. So does this sound familiar to you? (excluding the whole trying to jump of a multi storey car park and spending a fortnight on the set of one flew over the cuckoos nest bit!)

[notawallflower]

I have visions of being told I'm merely self-obsessed. LOL. I actually am LOL'ing because no one's disputing that I'm far too messed up for that to happen!!!

That being said, I know that I do have a chronic, long-term abuse history which very few people (even abused people) can relate to. This alienates me from them and them from me, and seems to effectively silence them as they then feel guilty and think they have "nothing" to complain about. I try to compress it to avoid overload for them, but then feel guilty to the parts of myself that I betray by omitting their experiences. I like to listen and share trauma histories with people but it frequently becomes challenging. As in, for them.

I've even had t's refuse to work with me as they had no idea of how to. (Like, der, just listen and be nice )

Here's the irony: when you are feeling bad for not being sick "enough" I'm feeling bad for being so sick that your sickness seems less valid.(IT ISN'T). You'd laugh if you didn't want to cry. No more guilt or self-doubt, please. You and your feelings DO matter.

if you've walked along any path of mental illness and you are more compassionate for it then I say you're a brave soul and something good did come of it. :bigarmhug[1]:

[notawallflower]

Your trauma matters. Your issues matter. and so do mine. I'm tired of feeling bad because i don't have BPD "bad enough" or i "look too well". Fuck that. I hurt too!!

Nina, who the hell said that? BPD not being bad enough..is that even a real thing?? How can any variety of bpd not be bad?!

[buryifromsun]

I guess denial is our way of helping ourselves to cope.

And Tim, I can relate to some of what you say. I've also got a pretty dark sense of humor.

Except when it comes to jokes about suicide, thats a sore spot with me and jokes about that kind of thing make me physically recoil.

Its good that so many people can relate to what I wrote, its nice for me but its nice for anyone else who comes along and reads this thread... makes us all feel a little less crazy- even though the irony is that many would say we are. Fuck other people.

[Tim101]

Laughing is my way of dealing with it I think. Like if I didn't laugh I'd cry, that kind of thing. I've been thinking about suicide for a couple of decades now so I'd be pretty ruined if I hadn't seen the funny side yet!

[buryifromsun]

A few decades? awah man, sorry to hear xx

[Tim101]

Well only a couple of decades, 20 years now from since I was 10. There have been better times in that period though hit one of my all time lows not so long ago now. I'm going in the right direction now though :-)

[buryifromsun]

Glad to hear xxx

[buryifromsun]

Sorry I know thats almost useless... hard to know what to say