LadyMacbeth Posted April 18, 2005 Report Share Posted April 18, 2005 If you endured some form of ab*se, or a parent who was not emotionally there for you as a child, do you feel you undergo transference with male or females as an adult. If it was a male, do you seem to become dependent on men? You feel as if cannot live alone you always must be in a relationship to feel like a person? Do you tend to question your self-identity but when you in a relationship you feel more stable and you mold your identity to please your partner? Or if it were a female who brought you pain do you feel like you are constantly seeking support and comfort from other women. It does not have to be sexual I mean in terms of finding a mother figure that you lacked as a child? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beat Posted April 18, 2005 Report Share Posted April 18, 2005 i am the exact opposite way. i suffered different kinds of abuse when i was little and i feel kind of perculiar calling it abuse because i have never seen it that way. to me, its just the way things were, but i have never and would never set out to please anyone, male or female. if anything when i am in any kind of relationship i feel lost and the compromise needed in a relationship requires me to compromise myself (at least this is how it seems to me) and i am just not prepared to do that. i am very selfish in many ways but i have never had anyone so i have made sure i don't need anyone. however messed up i am, the thought of defining any part of myself by someone else is terrifying to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IcyAngel Posted April 18, 2005 Report Share Posted April 18, 2005 I've been abused by both men and women, in a wide varity of ways.....and I seek constant reassurance from both...... with men, I tend to try to get them to take care of me.....you know, look out for me....do things for me.....it's more trying to get physical care.....I want them to notice me.....and I need near constant praise for things I do for them..... it's a possiblity that this came from my daddy being abent from my life most of the time.....and when he was around, he either hit me or ignored me..... with women, I tend to look for emotional support.....I want them to talk to me constantly (it's a big strain on friendships)......if they don't talk, I start believing I've done something wrong and have upset them.... the other issue with women, the younger they are, the more defensive I get with them.....I'll try to protect them from everything.....30 and under.....I think that's because my mom had me when she was in her 30s.....and by the time I was 4, 5 I was taking care of her more than myself..... once again, with both I tend to change to suit the person.....my identity shifts to suit their styles, reactions, and personality traits.....I change how I dress, how I talk, pretty much everything depending on who I'm with...... when I'm in a mixed crowd of people, I still act that way......I'm a different person for everyone.....but it gets real confusing that way.....not to mention draining..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amyb Posted April 18, 2005 Report Share Posted April 18, 2005 Emma- I can relate all too well. I have a "man addiction" (sounds quite silly). I NEED men in my life...even just as friends. I don't relate well to women, or maybe just feel uncomfortable, but find myself seeking out men to love me. I find myself in relationships when I wasn't even wanting one...just to have them there. I am a people-pleaser (male and female)...I tend to mold to whatever it is I know they want to see in me. Kinda like to the point that I have NO IDEA who I am anymore (or ever did?). If one strategy doesn't work to get them to like me, I swiftly change my colors to be something else. I've gotten very good at reading people...knowing what they like in a person, and become that person. So, when I'm alone I don't know what to feel, what to act like, what to be. I almost need other people to remind me I'm real. Amy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyMacbeth Posted April 18, 2005 Author Report Share Posted April 18, 2005 Beat-I think that not having to be dependent on someone is a good trait. Do you feel comfortable with your own identity? IcyAngel-How do you describe yourself when you are not trying to suit the needs of others? Amy-So you do not feel "real" if you are alone. You need validation from others to define your identity. Same question as Icy...how do you describe yourself when you are not trying to take on different identities? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beat Posted April 18, 2005 Report Share Posted April 18, 2005 i am slowly starting to feel comfortable with myself, but not really. i dislike myself intensely and sometimes i would love to be able to get close to someone. as some people are afraid to be without someone i am afraid to be with someone. i will only let someone get so close to me before i cut them off. my logical side tells me that my behaviour is making me miss out on a lot but the other side of me says that i should protect myself from anymore pain. any compliments or love people offer me i refuse because i think they are bullshi**ing me basically. i do have serious problems with relationships of any kind and i am runner - i am very flighty and untrusting but i also think it is important that i feel totally happy within myself before i tackle any kind of relationship. if i don't i will only damage myself further. peace beat xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Claire Posted April 18, 2005 Report Share Posted April 18, 2005 I know that I cannot be single. I do not know why. I have tried for years, but it is no good I always end up with a man. I didn't have parents for the first few years of my life, just foster carers and other kids in the children's home, so maybe that is why I cannot be single now. I dunno. I need men more than I need women. I seek out friendships with men, and have lots of them. I don't dislike women, the women friends I do have, I love very much but there just isn't that many of them that's all. It took me ages to feel like I could trust them. I used to collect (male) fuckbuddies, but that all stopped a few years ago. :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IcyAngel Posted April 18, 2005 Report Share Posted April 18, 2005 I can't really describe it.....I have this blank space inside.....I feel very empty when I'm alone.....it's pretty similiar to when I zone out.....but I'm still aware of my surroundings and aware that time is passing...... it's a strange feeling.....I don't really know what else to say about it......but the only thing I feel when I'm like that is hopelessness....a deep sense of loss, like a part of me is gone.....so even without others around, I'm still not really me anyways.... I guess....I'm not sure.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wisdom Posted April 19, 2005 Report Share Posted April 19, 2005 Here's my ramble. If you all are lucky I won't get too much off the topic. I basically feel good about my sense of self...............Having spent my childhood locked up in a room day after day.........year after year I learned to not depend on anyone (i wasn't aware i could need anyone). I wasn't exposed to anything. No b-day cakes, thanksgivings, easters................ Rather than trying or needing to fill my empty childhood, I have created a new life with with positive and negative experiences of human kind. I have dedicated most of my adult life serving the needs of others. I would not change a thing with regards to my childhood. My childhood made me the person I am today. I feel that I have the gift of detachment .......... I don't drag a ball and chain around my ankle. The purpose of my life is to live so that others may too be freed by their own demons/devils. Thats why I am here. I don't hold on unless the holding on will help someone. My childhood gave me the gift of opening up my heart and having some enter ........... I don't hold on to anyone or anything. No transference, no dependancy, no intense relaationships. Wiz Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Isabela Posted April 19, 2005 Report Share Posted April 19, 2005 I don't have transference problems with men. Most of my friends are guys. I usually have pretty good relationships with guys I date. Around guys I feel normal. I have transference issues with women. I get very attactched to older women but its more like I am looking for a mother figure because mine was crap. I don't have dependence issues with men either. I want to be in a relationship and get married but I can also be alone. I want to be loved and respected and I will not allow any man to treat me like shit. I will be out the door in a heartbeat. I hate being alone but I will not live my life in an unhappy relationship. I can create my own unhappiness on my own. :wacko: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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