Somthing Just Not Right

[doormouse]

It really isn't. I've got these five weekdays off work and I've spent probably 80% of them asleep - day and night.

Now thats not normal is it? I know the "n" word is a bit of a taboo but seriously - I am 26 years old and I can't keep up the motivation to do anything long enough to actually do it.

Monday - didn't get up and dressed at all, Tuesday managed to go blood doning, picked up a few bits and pieces like bus timetables and cycle routes for getting to my new job in August then went to the pub quiz but didn't get up til about two in the afternoon, Wednesday I got out to see a couple of old friends but I was supposed to go trampolining, and I haven't been for weeks, but I couldn't dredge up the energy to get on another bus. Sent some emails, made the odd phone call, but just felt like I needed a nap after an hour or so watching telly....

And today I've only just forced myself to get dressed so I am not in the pjamas I've been wearing all day when the pizza delivery guy turns up. Which I don't particularly feel like eating, but I've not really been eating at all this week. Managed to cook the odd thing, but has been about 10-11pm by the time I push myself to do it, so will simply be putting on weight ALL week.

It might sound like I'm doing stuff - but what healthy person spends their entire week off in bed, not in the sunshine, not even having the concentration to watch the tennis - which I love - and just not doing ANYTHING? And I know it makes it worse. I could quite happily never go back to work in A&E ever again but the longer I do nothing for the less I feel like doing anything. I don't really feel anything - which I know is part of thw whole depressive thing, but I've not had it this bad for a long time. And because I'm not really especially 'depressed' about anything, or even particularly depressed its difficult to deal with.

I think about doing stuff, getting organised, getting my cello out, starting to do some revision again, getting to the trampoline club, going swimming - cooking somthing to eat and bothering to eat it.....

These are not big things to do - I spend my working life stitching kids heads, relocating dislocated shoulders, treating sick old people and mostly dealing with the paranoid well with hurty finger, generally running around in a high stress, high responsibility environment, but as soon as I have to do anything for myself I'm totally incapable.

Greasy, calories laden pizza has arrived. I'm stressing about my size, and can't look in the mirror without feeling sick but hey....Think this is going to be my lonely hearts add - a bit overweight, pathetic, eats pizza alone and not much of a conversationalist as always asleep...