How Can I Help My Girlfriend Overcome Anorexia And Accept She May Have Depression

[paddymc]

I have been going steady with my current girlfriend now for quite a while, however before I met her she had suffered from Anorexia but got this under control for a few years. However, during the past few months severe symptoms of depression and indeed anorexia have arisen aswell as OCD. I'm doing my best to understand her condition and researched depression thoroughly on the net however I still feel completely helpless. The hardest part is the fact that she is completely negative about everything and has not accepted that she is starting to relapse, I have tried to talk to her about it but she keeps pushing me away, and rarely wants to see me, is this common?

THis leads to my head constantly thinking about her and unable to focus on anything else, my head is completely confused. I love this girl very much and truely believe that she is the one that I want to spend the rest of my life with, however lately when i try and talk to her she doesn't even tell me she loves me and if I tell her she says she hates it when i say that, which really hurts. Maybe this is just selfish of me but I just want to know if she wants me there or not which I have asked but received no answer. I really want to be here for her and I am willing to help in any way i can. Any advise you can offer would be very much appreciated and may help me get peace of mind.

Many Thanks

P

[hummm_mabbe]

hi paddy

it can be extremely emotionally taxing to place yourself in the position of 'rescuer'. There is something about a particular type of romantic chemistry, and I have had it myself, where you confuse loving someone with "saving" them. It feels wonderful and noble when you are caught up in it, but if you lack other supportive relationships, are not applying enough self-protection, assertiveness and boundaries, and are not able to separate your own sense of value from your ability to save her, its likely you are going to end up in a mess.

Her reactions could mean anything. Not liking you say "I love you" is common in those that have experienced very odd forms of love when little. For some, being told 'I love you' is a form of control - a way to make them feel guilty. Or if the person saying it is controlling, abusive etc, its difficult to reconcile the concept of 'love' when they say it, to what they do to you. Some people that have eating disorders have a history of being abused, either physically, sexually or emotionally. Eating disorders are an attempt to take control over their lives, because emotionally they feel they have NO control. So the more you try to stop her bingeing or purging, try to convince her to stop, the more likely you are to make her feel trapped an controlled. Similarly if you demand expressions of love.

If you suffer depression or a low self image yourself, all of this can be very difficult to deal with. Getting over an eating disorder requires psychotherapy - a person who is trained to know how to deal with it. At the most, you would be a support - someone who when she feels able to come out of herself, or needs someone to lean on, she can. At the moment she is in the denial stage - something common in any mental illness or extreme emotion. Especially if she wants to avoid being controlled or stopped, she will deny she is doing it. She may not want you to stop her, and so what you see as rescuing, kind behaviour, she may experience as intrusive and controlling. If she pulls away or recoils, or you feel she is still secretly doing it, be aware of your own impulses to push harder. Be honest with yourself over what 'getting her to listen' means to you, inside.

Im sorry to try to divorce you from the idea that you can perform some kind of DIY therapy on her, I know it must feel very painful for you, and that what you are doing is an act of love. I think the best way forward would be to, for a time, give her some space. Tell her if she needs to talk, you will be there. Just listen, dont try to 'solve' or offer advice. Validate her feelings and make her see that you think her feelings are understandable, rational and important. Resist the urge to take painful feelings away or to problem solve for her.

Eating disorders, like any aspect of mental health issues, do not change quickly or easily. They have their roots in many years of conditioning, and are part of the depression and lack of control she also feels in her life. If you can give her some room, she may come to realise the relapse herself because she will not need to rely on it to counter any sense of being co-erced that she may be feeling. Thats not to say you are being controlling - what you are doing is coming from a place of caring. But whats important is what she is feeling. You may have to find out what that is and for now, show that you accept it.

Ross

[hummm_mabbe]

Oh to add - OCD is also a reaction to a sense of not having control, so it sounds very much like control issues are ruling her psychology at the moment

Ross

[paddymc]

Oh to add - OCD is also a reaction to a sense of not having control, so it sounds very much like control issues are ruling her psychology at the moment

Ross

hi ross

Thanks very much for your good advice. Took it on board and asked her what she really wanted she told me that she just couldnt deal with a relationship right now which i told her that i understand that with what shes going through at the minute. Also told her that i would always be here for her if she wanted to talk or needed anything ( which i have always told her ). Thing is i always texted her and we chatted on the phone everyday should i stop texting her and chatting to her so often cause shes that nice of a girl she would said if this was annoying her. Then i feel if i do cut back on this she may feel like like im fed up or dont care (puzzled). I really do love this girl and want to do whats best for her and dont want to lose her. We had a gud relationship before this so whats the chances she'l come back to me?????

[notawallflower]

I wrote a reply the other day but my internet cut out and I lost it. But, Ross' reply was awesome, and I also wanted you to know that I think you're a really fantastic person for being so caring and taking the time to educate yourself, so Kudos to you. I'm not sure what the chances are on her coming back, but the fact that she's honest enough to be able to tell you what she needs right now shows that she has strength of character and just might pull through, coming out of this adversity a stronger more stable person.

That's the good news.

The bad news is that you're going to have to just wait and see what happens next. Don't bombard her, but an empathetic text here and there just to show you still care could get the ball rolling for later for when she's in better health. I wouldn't call every day as she may experience that as overwhelming right now while all of her energy is needed for getting well. Try to just be a supportive friend for the minute.

Remember to take care of your emotional needs too.Very best of luck, and keep us updated. :)

[paddymc]

I wrote a reply the other day but my internet cut out and I lost it. But, Ross' reply was awesome, and I also wanted you to know that I think you're a really fantastic person for being so caring and taking the time to educate yourself, so Kudos to you. I'm not sure what the chances are on her coming back, but the fact that she's honest enough to be able to tell you what she needs right now shows that she has strength of character and just might pull through, coming out of this adversity a stronger more stable person.

That's the good news.

The bad news is that you're going to have to just wait and see what happens next. Don't bombard her, but an empathetic text here and there just to show you still care could get the ball rolling for later for when she's in better health. I wouldn't call every day as she may experience that as overwhelming right now while all of her energy is needed for getting well. Try to just be a supportive friend for the minute.

Remember to take care of your emotional needs too.Very best of luck, and keep us updated.

[paddymc]

Hi notawallflower

thanks for your good advice and maybe this is rude of me but i would like to ask for some more lol . This is were im at now ok on saturday i wrote my last post after chatting to my girlfriend and she told me she couldnt deal with a relationship and wanted some space as you know. So on sunday i decided that i wouldnt txt or call her to respect her decision but at round 2 o'clock sunday evenin she called me to see did i want to meet up and go away for the day which was my delight so we did and had a nice time i left her home again bout 9 then she sent me 3 or 4 nice txts that night . Then on monday i was coming home from work and she called me and stayed on the phone bout an hour and was txtin the rest of nite . So then to my surpise this evening (tuesday)she also phoned me and asked me to call round for a while which i did. Now its not that im complaining far from it i would be happy to spend every minute with her. Its just that im every confused and its lefting me emotional all over the place. I was just wondering is this common or maybe this is a good sign that she's pulling out of this ??

many thanks P

[Barebones]

Hi paddy, are u sure she has anerxia or ocd?

nvm, all i can say is u be honest with her? the thing is she being honest with u? If she is ex anerxia is u if know her is how she will be? Is there anything goin on in her life, that she needs to take control? Is there anything about family, u, or anyone for her to laspe?

Could i also say, is i know how much u care for her? does she feel the same? if there is problems, is her lasping like this? would be hard to progress.

sry just read ur first post, is her parents aware of her relaspe? maybe say to them?

Rereading ur post, is yes something is bothering her, it could be also (worst thing for u) she may not want to continue iwth ur relationship? If u can talk about things and be honest,is maybe she will open up?

sry what ive said is not good, but then her relasping aint either, maybe open up some thoughts with her?

If things come to ahead and are bad? meaning she dont want to be with u, least u have heads up, also as i can see is ur a good man. xx

me im no therapist or anything, just reading what u have said, and also my own ed and relationships.

sry hun xxxx