Its A Love Hate Thing

[Russell]

Hey 'all'

So Im sat here for hours trying to work out what I do next. I have had an eating disorder since I was in my teens but very on and off. About 4 years ago I was under an incredible amount of stress and everything kicked in and I lost a heap of weight. I hate having an Ed, waking up and the first thing I think about is losing weight but on the flip side I like the feeling of success and not feeling overly fat (although I feel fat most of the time)

Im currently under a crap load of stress and on new AD pills that have known weight loss issues and the combination has resulted in what I can only describe as an EPIC weight loss!! None of my clothes fit (unless looking like a clown in baggy shirt and trousers is the in fashion) As of this morning I am now the lightest I have ever been, below my target weight, still feel Huge and still lowering the bar.

I know I need help at this point but I cant seek it out (how deranged is that) I dont want to put the weight back on for obvious reasons (I will feel like I have failed) There is so much mental conflict going on in my head I cant take much more. I will probably convince myself everything is ok in the morning and regret posting this but have decided to post during an honest and defiant mood.

BP and pulse are totally messy and all over the place and Im still hitting the treadmill (I have always been a runner) but now its physically hurting to run. I keep wonderring if Im going to just drop dead on the treadmill at some point.

I actually feel really awkward for posting this because for starters Im a guy (and guys dont have eds!?) and then theres people struggling to lose weight for healthy reasons and here I am totally disregarding the healthy aspect.

Im totally screwed if this continues much longer but mentally too mixed up to want the help but know I need it (I cant even get it straight in my own head as I try and write this)

I went to psychotherapy last week and she noticed that on a number of occassions I said "we" when referring to my eating disorder..........how messed up is that!!!

So here goes....Im going to press 'post' and then no doubt regret it in the morning.....so be it..... and thanks for reading.

[detroitguy]

Hi Russell. I feel badly for you in regards to the eating problems you are having to deal with. I am also a guy and have had issues with eating my whole life but probably not to the extent of the struggle that you are going through. I have been very obsessive about keeping my weight within a five pound range for a lot of years. Maybe in a way this is a good thing because I never lose or gain a lot of weight but just obsess about staying my current weight. Maybe if you and your doctor could find, say, a five pound range to keep your weight and try your darndest not to go over or under it would help. This is only a thought on my part because I have never really had a bad case of ED. Also, my metabolism is pretty high so I would have to eat quite a bit to gain a lot of weight. Anyway, take care and the best of luck to you in overcoming your problem. Detroitguy.

[Russell]

Hi DetroitGuy

Thank you for the reply :)The idea of having an agreed weight and a set allowance either side is actually a good idea, whether I can get into the right mind set to actually do it or even agree to it may be a battle though.

Im glad to know that Im not the only guy in the world that has issues with food.....I was starting to wonder lol

I am just in the process of building up the courage to phone my pdoc and make an appointment to see him and see what he reckons as what I see in the mirror doesnt represent the numbers Im seeing.

Thanks again

Russ :)