Question Myself

[AngelGeri]

Does anyone feel like they have to lie or put on a fake face and pretend everything is ok for your friends and family and the area you live in? god i sure do and its fucking annoying!! I have a few friends who i can talk to about my bpd but i don't talk about the shit in my head, how can i, if i cant accept it then hows someone else supposed to? Yet i live in an area where everyone is pally pally and you have to sit there and smile and pretend everything is ok, i got invited to a party by someone that just thinks im crazy, i declined, never been to a party in my life and now she probably thinks im very rude and abupt though how can i live a normal life when inside your head your screaming at everyone to leave you alone!!! I spend alot of time on my own which i actually prefer, i dont have to talk to anyone then, the voices in my head are my comfort.

only 2 members of my family know i have bpd and thats only because last christmas i had another breakdown and they got it out of me what was wrong, there was talk of me going into hospital but as a single mum i sure wasnt prepared to lose my kids so i fought the illness but i'm not winning, its eating me up and destroying me. I probably dont make much sense, im not a great talker about whats going off in my head. All i know is im hurting, 19 years after abuse stopped and im hurting and i feel like im on a path of destruction to myself and everyone else.

I'm stuck in my own lost world, i know i shouldnt spend too much time alone but its not like i have a large circle of friends anymore, though i never really did, i always was the odd one out, the black sheep of the family because i dont fit in. I'm in yet another relationship because i cant handle the loss of abandment stuff, i do EVERYTHING in my power to not feel alone at night though thats when the nightmares come, i break down, i throw tantrums to my boyfriend on the phone to come over and if i do have to spend a night on my own then i normally stay up as late as possible till i know my tablets will knock me out. I HATE MYSELF FOR BEING SO WEAK!!!!!

I feel like my life is over before its even began, yet as a single mum i have to return back to work thanks to the goverments policy to get everyone back to work. How can anyone handle work when they are scared of opening the door, scared of the postman with letters, scared of answering the house phone as i dont know whos calling. I lost my husband because he gave up on me 3 years ago after 5 months of marriage and i didnt even have the diagonsis then - i had a breakdown and he said "i'd changed on the tablets" well duh i'm gonna fucking change when i wanna die and cant handle life you idiot!!!! . I screw everything up, ive got a lovely boyfriend but i know im messing with his head too. I can't handle relationships, one of my friends asked me if i'm only entering relationships with men so i dont have to be on my own and i dont know anymore, all my life i've gone from man to man lost count how many men i've slept with, looking, seeking out for their attention that i do badly crave for! how pathethic am i - am i really that psychotic???!! I keep wondering if it's down to being abused for years when i was a little girl, did the sick bastard teach me to hurt men too like he hurt me?? I'm wondering if this is an issue i have to address with my cpn? I'm starting psychotherapy soon which im dreading but i know i got alot of issues....i want to find out who i truely am because i don't know who i am anymore, people says im this loving kind gentle person, why cant i see her in me when all i see is pain??

Not sure why i'm even writing this out, you dont have to reply, just having a really hard day