Narcissa Posted August 9, 2010 Report Share Posted August 9, 2010 i suppose i'm being unreasonable, and i suppose this impulsivity is apart of my illness. I'm 24 which i know is still young. But i've found out that i have this hormone problem and it'll affect my chances of having a baby. I've asked my ex and now friend to have a baby with me. I don't want to have to wait around to find a man and get to know them. I mean, i could be well into my 30's before that happens. But my friend refuses, saying it's a bad idea. But i really want to have a baby. And i'm getting so frustrated that he is refusing me. I think that it is a good idea. He's a good man. He's kind. And now he's pushing 30. I don't see the harm. I think i'm ready. And i have a job and i think i'm getting better. What else can i possibly do? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
piuma Posted August 9, 2010 Report Share Posted August 9, 2010 Hi hun i have the same problem, im 28 and have been told that if i dont start trying and lose weight my condition will worsen and i wont be able to conceive...but, im not mentally stable enough for a baby and now i am in a relationship with a woman it kinda means i have to accept i wont be having children. i can understand your craving for one and the fear of not bein able to...all i can say is, if you think you are mentally stable enough there are ways. but to be honest finding the right partner i would have thought is more important, you wouldnt want your child to either not know their father or end up in a situation where you wouldnt want the child to have contact...if that makes sense...sorry a bit rambled. xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saharah Blue Posted August 9, 2010 Report Share Posted August 9, 2010 I think it is a perfectly normal response to what the doctors are saying. I know what you mean about wanting to find the quickest easiest way too not lose this window in your life. I am sure you are completely frustrated that others are telling you its unreasonable, and I think there are many who will continue to think so, if it feels like a demand, it just won't feel exciting for someone else. If having babies were just a matter of recuitment, I don't think you would be met with so much resistance. But, your ex and friends are people too, that have all their own feelings surrounding what family or babies mean to them, that should be respected. So, you really are going to have to wait a bit for someone you can share that experience with. And you are young, and you do have the time to find that person, so you have that on your side. If it is going to be difficult no matter what, you are likely best to be planning a pregnancy with all the aid and help of a specialist, and all the support you can get. Sah Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SusieQ Posted August 9, 2010 Report Share Posted August 9, 2010 Narc I can totally understand where you are coming from. I'm 28 and I really want to have children too, and am starting to get urges to just stop taking my pills and sleep with anyone rather than hold out until Im in a well functioning relationship - whatever that is...? In a way you are right. It makes sense for you. The thing is, like Sah said, he is a person too. Its not what he wants and you have to respect that. Not easy, I know. Leech Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted August 9, 2010 Report Share Posted August 9, 2010 I'm sorry you are hurting so much Narcissa and I wish it could be different but as the others have said he has a right to his opinion and you have to respect that. Personally, I think he is right hun. I'm sorry if this means you don't want to talk to me anymore but if you are having a baby out of desperation it might not be the actual right thing to do for you or the baby or the babies father. I know this is a very painful time for you but please try and think of all the possible endings to this. x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Narcissa Posted August 9, 2010 Author Report Share Posted August 9, 2010 thanks for all your replies. Roses, of course i'll talk to you! I do understand where you're all coming from. I know you're right. I'm definately being unreasonable. I need to think this through more clearly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xkayleighx Posted August 9, 2010 Report Share Posted August 9, 2010 hey narc, i think another reason for wanting a baby isnt just because of what the doctor said, but this ideal that they will always love you and you will never be alone. maybe that is something you have to look at first, what would be the function of having a child? trust me ive been in the same boat because i wanted a baby to complete a relationship and play happy families completely in ignorant bliss but it doesnt work that way as they have feelings too. i understand that you have a condition but have you thought of fostering or adoption? giving kids that are already here a much needed helping hand in life? my mum does it and we just had 3 of them move on to be placed in long term foster care until they turn 18. if you live in a one bed place you can foster babies, if you live in a two bed place you can foster any age. i hope some of what i said was helpful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
piuma Posted August 9, 2010 Report Share Posted August 9, 2010 can you foster children if you are mentally unwell? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted August 9, 2010 Report Share Posted August 9, 2010 ((((((((((((((((Narcissa))))))))))))))))))))) thank you xxxxx I always thought that if I had a baby girl my life would be complete and that I could make her life different than mine was. In reality I came down with really severe Post Natal Depression (on top of my other mh problems) and thought that every time I changed her nappy or hugged her I was abusing her. Basically something went *kapoot* inside my brain and it was the beginning of the end for me. I've always suffered with mental health but I became even more paranoid and psychotic feeling that nowhere was safe. All the safety and reassurance I thought would come was just not there! She was born in Dec 2003 and by end of 2006 (that coupled with other problems) I had started on hospital admissions. I have since been sterilised through fear of putting any more children through what my nearly 4 year old son went through when his sister was born. And scarily enough at the age of (then) 28 all the midwives and health professionals backed my decision cos it made me that ill. I only ever would say the things I have said to you here out of the most sincere wish to help you, I hope it does. xxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Narcissa Posted August 9, 2010 Author Report Share Posted August 9, 2010 (((roses))) it must've been terrifying for you. You did what you thought was right, you've got to look after you too. Thanks so much for your help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SusieQ Posted August 9, 2010 Report Share Posted August 9, 2010 ((((((((((((((((Narcissa))))))))))))))))))))) thank you xxxxx I always thought that if I had a baby girl my life would be complete and that I could make her life different than mine was. In reality I came down with really severe Post Natal Depression (on top of my other mh problems) and thought that every time I changed her nappy or hugged her I was abusing her. Basically something went *kapoot* inside my brain and it was the beginning of the end for me. I've always suffered with mental health but I became even more paranoid and psychotic feeling that nowhere was safe. All the safety and reassurance I thought would come was just not there! She was born in Dec 2003 and by end of 2006 (that coupled with other problems) I had started on hospital admissions. I have since been sterilised through fear of putting any more children through what my nearly 4 year old son went through when his sister was born. And scarily enough at the age of (then) 28 all the midwives and health professionals backed my decision cos it made me that ill. I only ever would say the things I have said to you here out of the most sincere wish to help you, I hope it does. xxxxx Roses. That really is eye-opening. Thanks for sharing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thesloaneranger Posted August 10, 2010 Report Share Posted August 10, 2010 i really feel for you narcissa, and think you have already had some great advice from those above. i think that since the doctors told you this, its like youve suddenly become so aware......a light has pinged on or something?? i think though you need to get yourself well before you think about kids. pregnancy does funny things to your head because of all the hormones and the sleep deprivation alone after the birth can be a toughie. i had (well i know now, but didnt then!) post natal depression after my daughter was born, and i have no recollection of her growing up between about 3 weeks old, and her 1st birthday. i cared for her, but my parents had her maybe 4 days a week straight - if i didnt have that help i dont think i wouldve coped. that was my first experience of mh issues, and i didnt even realise at the time. now im so aware, its one of the many reasons ive not had any more kids. i would love to, and recently ive given it some serious thought because i figured if i was preggers, i would take more care of myself and it would give me something to look forward to. but being realistic, ive figured its better to sort myself out first and then ill be in a much better position to be a good mum and hopefully avoid any further problems. is there any kind of HRT that the doc can give you to combat your issue, and thus, give you a longer timescale in which to conceive? theres always the options of fostering, adoption and fertility treatment too. xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yasontheborder Posted August 10, 2010 Report Share Posted August 10, 2010 hi have you considered adopting? also, it is a big responsibility. having to take care of my little sister drives me nuts, and i start screaming and having panic attacks..are you sure you're ready for one? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xkayleighx Posted August 10, 2010 Report Share Posted August 10, 2010 can you foster children if you are mentally unwell? yes you can, aslong as you do not have any crimes against children you can look after them. a CRB is needed and they will do a general background check. you just need to prove that you can look after them correctly and give them what they need. a fellow foster carer i know had depression in the past and she cares for 3 kids atm x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roxy222 Posted August 10, 2010 Report Share Posted August 10, 2010 hey, a friend had similar issue going on, never wanted kids until she was told she might not then she did everything to get pregnant. she now has amazing kid, who she loves to bits, but her fragile relationship was wrecked, her and the kid put through extreem stress, and life is v challenging all the time. i guess time will tell what effect this has on the kid, who is happy and friendly but v difficult and clingy and dangerously hyper and anxious already. I think when people want kids they think of the perfect little bundel of joy that'll bring purpose and menaing and family and love,and i think thats a natural way to think of kids, i know thats how i picture it, but in reality kids come with a bunch of their own feelings and needs and demands. have you thought about all of the possibilities of having a kid? like if this guy or any similar firend agreed what wd you do if you got pregnant with triplets? cd you cope? or if the kid had a disability? wd you keep it or not? what if the guy decided he wanted to be back together, and you didnt wnat that, how would that effect support with the kid? or if he decided to fight you for custody? and what would be the emotional consequences of any of this stuf for you and for baby? Im not saying these are reasons not too, or that you woulndt cope and be a great mum despite adversity, but if thinking seriously about making another life then the reality needs considered. have you had a chance to talk to councilor or similar about this? i agree with whats said about finding the right person to have a kid with, thats doesnt allways work out exactly ofcourse but a happy and stable relationship is a v positive thing for you and any kids. if you feel you want a kid for the sake of wanting a kid and wanting to be a mum and meet their needs then maybe its something you can work towards being stable for in future? its something that cd bring alot of hope best of luckx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
artofdrowning Posted August 12, 2010 Report Share Posted August 12, 2010 im sure im the only person that will say this but if your not stable enough to care for a child then it is not a good idea to have one. its doesnt matter that the clock is ticking and that you want one, if you have problems then why bring that on a child, sorry but i just dont agree that everyone has a right to have a child beacuse its what THEY want. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sundries Posted August 12, 2010 Report Share Posted August 12, 2010 The thing is you cant keep putting things off 'until you are well'. You've got a job so are functioning reasonably. Maybe not have a baby right now but do be considering having one within three years. Its better to be a single parent than not have any children at all. Yeah it would be great to give a child a picture perfect upbringing but at the end of the day it would be better for you to chose to give a child life rather than deny them one because you cant afford all the latest mod coms and have mood swings. MAybe there are loads of us on here who spend quite a lot of time wishing we had never been born but most children who have had adverse childhoods don't go on to permanently regret their existence so even if you cant give a child a 'good' upbringing you can give them life. You also need to consider that you might actually get more ill as you get older so waiting to 'sort yourself out' isn't necessarily a good thing. Older mothers find babies far more exhausting which can't be good for your health, better to do it now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Narcissa Posted August 12, 2010 Author Report Share Posted August 12, 2010 im sure im the only person that will say this but if your not stable enough to care for a child then it is not a good idea to have one. its doesnt matter that the clock is ticking and that you want one, if you have problems then why bring that on a child, sorry but i just dont agree that everyone has a right to have a child beacuse its what THEY want. Are you saying i don't have a right? Thats very offensive. And also i have said that i was better. And that i am in the right position to have a child. And everyone has problems. My bpd is for life. Are you saying that i should never have a child because of that? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
artofdrowning Posted August 12, 2010 Report Share Posted August 12, 2010 no im not saying you personally im saying that its not anyones right to have a child. not if that right means a childs going to have a crap upbringing than im sorry but no i dont agree its a right at all. if your better as you say and holding down a job then you are in the right situation to have a child if thats what you wish. thats the point i was trying to make which i know everyone will say is awful but making a child miserable is extremely selfish. if you want a child and are better etc but your friend disagrees then as someone else said what about waiting for a couple years your only 24 so it wouldnt hurt to wait until you find someone who does want to be a father. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
artofdrowning Posted August 12, 2010 Report Share Posted August 12, 2010 to the earlier post by sundries i dont agree that a child who has been abused in whatever way or neglected is greatful just that they are alive. no one is being denied a life if no child has been conceieved i think thats an odd logic as clearly every time ive used protection im denying someone the right to born. how strange. surely its better to have the right not be screwed up emtionally than to just be breathing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notawallflower Posted August 12, 2010 Report Share Posted August 12, 2010 baby = work work = hard If a baby's meant to be, a baby you'll have..personally I couldn't be bothered trying to intentionally get pregnant - but then I'm living proof of things that can go wrong going wrong (bad birth, disabled kid, ended up single, etc. etc.). Be young babe, have fun, I'm sure you'll have a baby later on down the track. xox Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notawallflower Posted August 12, 2010 Report Share Posted August 12, 2010 ((((((((((((((((Narcissa))))))))))))))))))))) thank you xxxxx I always thought that if I had a baby girl my life would be complete and that I could make her life different than mine was. In reality I came down with really severe Post Natal Depression (on top of my other mh problems) and thought that every time I changed her nappy or hugged her I was abusing her. Basically something went *kapoot* inside my brain and it was the beginning of the end for me. I've always suffered with mental health but I became even more paranoid and psychotic feeling that nowhere was safe. All the safety and reassurance I thought would come was just not there! She was born in Dec 2003 and by end of 2006 (that coupled with other problems) I had started on hospital admissions. I have since been sterilised through fear of putting any more children through what my nearly 4 year old son went through when his sister was born. And scarily enough at the age of (then) 28 all the midwives and health professionals backed my decision cos it made me that ill. I only ever would say the things I have said to you here out of the most sincere wish to help you, I hope it does. xxxxx aww Roses what a lot of suffering you went through, poor darling. xox Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted August 12, 2010 Report Share Posted August 12, 2010 thank you xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
b0bulat0r Posted August 15, 2010 Report Share Posted August 15, 2010 Heya just adding my two cents As i'm a male and i just turned 24 yesterday. I originally never wanted to have children myself, this was when i was in my teens 16, 17 etc the thought of a child scared the living shit out of me, as I grew up my mind changed to the stance where I eventually did want to have children "some day" the issue for me and I think for a lot of men is the practicality of children, I have a friend the same age who is desperate for a baby and she wants to have one as soon as possible I think a lot of women have that very strong desire (I mean it keeps our race going) but for me as a man, I want to know first of all that I'm not going to be a crap father, that I've got what it takes, that i can support the child financially, that i can give it a good life, that i can bring it happiness, I feel if i couldn't answer yes I can to those questions it wouldn't be right for me to have a child, If i was asked by a friend to have her child because she wanted a baby I'd have to decline, I personally cant see myself having a child with anyone unless I was intended to be with her in a relationship, I want when/if I eventually have children to be with the partner i'm going to stay with, I know this means my own chances of ever having a child are slim to none (because no sucker would ever put up with me long term) This is how it has to be for me, you will however find guys out there who do want lasting relationships and I'm sure you will find one of them soon enough for you to get a happy family, I certainly hope so and wish you all the best. xxx Rob Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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