It Never Gets Better Does It ?

[catspiracy]

Dear All,

I tried to post here this am, but it didn't work, apparently...oh well....

I, too, have been dealing with the issue of bpd forever or recoverable????

It's a strange battle, this "personality" thing...I'm not entirely sure i buy it, whereas I 100% have drunk its kool aid at other times.

I really thought i had the bastard beat. I really thought that zen detachment would get me through, and then i am discoveringing it did/is/will. (I want to abandon verb tenses).

anyhow, then came the usual fucking owl pellet alcohol blackout binge............

and shit and stuff and the things ya know?

anyways,

hugs to all,

love

cat

[foreverborderline]

Cats - you say you thought you had this thing beat, I am sorry that you have not but in my opinion BPD is not possible to beat.

[maria123]

I am 38 yrs and self discovered my bpd less than an yr ago.I am treating my bpd myself with books(reserved from library),internet.A lot of the powerlessness has dissapeared and i am moving forward.

At times i want to just bash up the people who did this to me(my parents and mean 3 siblings)but i want to be a success for my daughter becos in her eyes i am worth the best the world can offer.

Saying so and from the books that i have read there certain qualities in bpd person due to which treatment becomes easy in my case-i am 38 but look 25,highly intelligent and have a university degree and have a sucessful career ,am attractive,have a models figure,never drank/smoked/took drugs,have been sexually active only 3 mths of my entire life and that too only with my husband.The opinion from people around me is that i am too nice person,almost saint like.

The above are the qualities which make my bpd easy to treat -in my opinion above all is the goodness in me.

There are a lot of negative qualities as well like being bullied on a daily basis since i was born probably,being too nice,too much self directed rage/anger etc

[Ulrica]

I must say, the US health system always brings rage to my mind. I think it so unfair that it seems to kick those already lying down. And it makes me feel sad. In that respect I guess I am lucky to live where I do. Things are far from perfect over here, but it's better than in other countries, worse than in others, but I manage.

I have found that the more time passes, the more emotional pain surfaces. Just when I thought I had dealt with something, I find that I was wrong. It was just another layer peeling off to reveal the damaged person that really is inside. I can understand why you chose to use the coping methods you use. It's hard when one has never learned any other more constructive way of dealing with emotional pain. And yes, they might not be construtctive, and they might not be the "best" methods of dealing with things but at the moment they are serving a purpose, they are keeping you alive. No matter how destructive the coping methods might be, they are at least better than death. Well, this is just my own personal opinion. For me, I have found that constructive methods don't help, but nor do the destructive ones anymore. It's an odd place to be in. Incapacitated with emotional pain...

In many ways I think BPD is not something to be beat, but something to learn to deal with, live with and handle better. That's the way I see it and my T agrees with me.

My heart goes out to you, for I wish you could get the help you deserve. It makes me sad...

[sanctuary]

I guess alot of us feel like you described in your original post.... I can't tell from one day to the next how I am going to feel and I don't think this emotional rollercoaster is designed to just abruptly end...

I wasn't diagnosed until 31yrs and before that my life had been such chaos, it is difficult to know if things are getting worse now I'm 34.

All I know, is that I am learning new things all the time. I dont think there's an end to it, just an awareness of our feelings and learning appropriate ways to cope with it.

Easy for me to say, I gave up work just over a year ago and this space is exactly what I needed. I think in order to get a grip of ourselves and start being in control of our tumultuous emotions, we have to be given the time and the space to put into practice different behaviours and have the space to reflect on the insight and wisdom we get as a result of changing our destinies.

((((((((hugs))))))) for everyone suffering.

BTW - A bit far out but your name foreverborderline says it all. We never lose it, we learn to maximise ourselves despite it. That's what I think anyway at the moment but new revelations can always flip my position so I'll leave it there for now. x

[walker]

I need a lot of help and trying to do so, but many times the disorder tells me I do not want to get better so I often am ambivalent about recovery and treatment

this is how i feel

i have always been v honest with mh team about it

but it makes most of them reject me

only v v v few see it as part of the illness

like sanc, i left work (over 2 yrs ago)

i felt like i was dying inside,

i had a personal trainer, was eating VERY well, was walking everywhere

and thought i would break it with healthy living

thought i would take control, leave hub, get therapy, make changes, improve my life

but i didnt have that strength, i failed

it broke me first

as always

again and again

older than you and have done things achieved things and had good times

but always ended up back in the trap

perhaps never left it actually

know this sounds dismal, hopeless, depressing, well thats right where im at, sorry

i dont think it goes

i think some things lessen, somethings alter

and the intensity of it all comes and goes

but i just dont see how the hell i can change my personality without dying

[Nutellaforever]

Hi Foreverborderline. I don't post on here too often, but just occasionally someone writes something that is so close to how I feel... it's like you read my mind and was able to write it down for me

I'm 34 and have also read that by now we should be 'growing out of it'....in my mind that's black and white thinking

And I know what you mean when you say noone in your 'non-online life' understands. My husband and parents claim to have read about BPD but their behaviour tells me otherwise. I think that only other people with BPD can truly understand. Even my CPN hasn't a clue about BPD so I s'pose I can't expect friends and family to know.

I'm sorry you can't get appropriate meds and therapy where you live. Our NHS has it's downsides, but I'm lucky where I live that there is a centre of excellence for mental health.

Does it help having a bit of a rant on online? I don't know if you have the samaritans where you live, but if you do, they're happy to reply to emails aswell, which I find quite helpful- especially in the evenings when my mood is generally at its worst. I hate using telephones so online support is easier for me.

Try to keep smiling- even if you have to think of something too rude to tell anyone out loud... if you know what I mean. :D

[icu_baby]

Dear forever,

Do you know why you don't want to get better? Is it because you are afraid of failure? What are the things you would like to change and what are the situations where you would like to remain the same (even though they reduce your quality of life? Maybe you could work on the ones you at least like to change?

I am still convinced, even though I don't know you, that you have a mood disorder and are not getting help for it sadly.

[Christine001]

i totally agree with forever, i am getting worst as i get older not better.

[icu_baby]

I believe this hopelessness and helplessness is a sign of depression

[Christine001]

maybe but if u have had dozens of different ads and still feel hopeless perhaps its not shiftable and part of your personality

[icu_baby]

maybe but if u have had dozens of different ads and still feel hopeless perhaps its not shiftable and part of your personality

What do you mean by ads?

Perhaps you are right, some people are naturally more pessimistic than others but I don't think that this is the case here.

[foreverborderline]

Thanks Nutella,Walker,and Christine for your understanding responses. Your experiences and insight help me to understand my own issues.

Icu_baby - I guess I have fear of the unknown, I know what to expect when I am caught in the throws of BPD madness,depression,and addiction but I do not know what true recovery looks or feels like as even when I was clean and sober from drugs and alcohol I was

not and never have been free from the twisted thinking that goes with BPD and I never have felt like I belonged, I also feel like the

victim and like nobody understands me, I could have a million people say they love me but not believe them because I truly feel worse

than everyone else, I never feel good enough or worthy of love so to answer your question I guess BPD is the one thing that will never

leave me, so I guess I am afraid to let it go as it has been with me so long, I feel that it defines who I am.

Yes, I know that along with BPD I do also have a mood disorder which is Bipolar 2 (been diagnosed) but as of right now do not have treatment. There is one place I could maybe go, I used to have my doctor and therapist there, if I can be clean and not using speed

for a day then maybe Monday I will go. I told my counselor in my drug treatment group I will try to seek help again.

[icu_baby]

Thanks Nutella,Walker,and Christine for your understanding responses. Your experiences and insight help me to understand my own issues.

Icu_baby - I guess I have fear of the unknown, I know what to expect when I am caught in the throws of BPD madness,depression,and addiction but I do not know what true recovery looks or feels like as even when I was clean and sober from drugs and alcohol I was

not and never have been free from the twisted thinking that goes with BPD and I never have felt like I belonged, I also feel like the

victim and like nobody understands me, I could have a million people say they love me but not believe them because I truly feel worse

than everyone else, I never feel good enough or worthy of love so to answer your question I guess BPD is the one thing that will never

leave me, so I guess I am afraid to let it go as it has been with me so long, I feel that it defines who I am.

Yes, I know that along with BPD I do also have a mood disorder which is Bipolar 2 (been diagnosed) but as of right now do not have treatment. There is one place I could maybe go, I used to have my doctor and therapist there, if I can be clean and not using speed

for a day then maybe Monday I will go. I told my counselor in my drug treatment group I will try to seek help again.

Hey forever have you tried N-Acetyl Cysteine - it is meant to be excellent for bipolar depression and I think that it is a relatively cheap over the counter medication in the USA. I really think you should give it a shot.

I know what it feels like not wanting to move on trust me. I know depression. I have had 11 serious life-threatening suicide attempts on life support. It was so hard for me to stop taking overdoses because that is all I knew and that is how I could deal with things. Fighting is a lot harder than staying with the status quo. It takes so much strength, courage and determination to get better. If you are not ready for it that is ok, I know what it feels like being in your spot though. Just wait until you feel like it and give it a shot, you have nothing to lose.

[foreverborderline]

You are a fighter Icu-baby , good job for surviving. I have not tried any over the counter meds for depression. Hopefully soon I can get on a good combo of meds for the BPD symptoms as well as OCD and Bipolar and get some real therapy and see how that works. As hard as it is to let go of the disorder I know I must try because either I let it go or it will let me go, and not in a good way.

[icu_baby]

You are a fighter Icu-baby , good job for surviving. I have not tried any over the counter meds for depression. Hopefully soon I can get on a good combo of meds for the BPD symptoms as well as OCD and Bipolar and get some real therapy and see how that works. As hard as it is to let go of the disorder I know I must try because either I let it go or it will let me go, and not in a good way.

Good on you for the positive attitude forever. You see today I am feeling quite down and I am down for feeling down. I am going to take my medication and go to bed early and hopefully feel better tomorrow. I guess its a struggle to beat this depression but at least we are trying and sometimes that is all you can do.

[Data]

I am 37 years old now. I think my BPD has got better with age. I read a book on holiday and its made me realise that I am no longer a 'typical' BPDer. A lot of the BPD characteristics such as black-and-white thinking, impulsivity, paranoid thoughts and blocked empathy have REALLY improved. But the key thing is: they don't improve with age. They improve with therapy, self-care and insight. As you get older, it is possible to learn ways around these things. You can also understand your feelings better, and where they arise from. If you get older, and you are not helped to learn things, you may not get better.

I don't believe its possible to cure BPD though. The traits will always be a part of you, you will always be vulnerable to them, particularly under stress, for your whole life. Its an integral part of you. You can minimise it, you can learn ways around it, and those ways will help you a lot to live your life better. However, the damage from your childhood is permanent.

Although things are better, in some respects for me they are worse. I am more depressed than when I was younger. I find it impossible to go more than a couple of days without getting drunk.

And some things have not changed, such as my anger issues, and relationship problems.

Thats the other thing, your mental health is affected by your environment. When I was in my early 20s I was an incredibly stressed and confused young man who had a lot of paranoid thoughts, and was repeatedly being admitted to mental hospitals. However, I had no real responsibilities. Now I have a wife with chronic mental health problems, an autistic son, and a very sensitive daughter. And I am doing a PhD in computer science. I am a homeowner, a mortgage payer. These things are achievements in a way, but they also bring stress, and its stress that can be unbearable sometimes.

[foreverborderline]

I can agree Data - sounds like you have had it rough too but are strong, I commend you !

For me not only do I struggle with BPD , Bipolar , and addiction but I and my wife are basically homeless, no money for food or anything and that makes life hard. I wish we had a house or a car or something, I wish I was able to work and have a career.

[foreverborderline]

YUP - NEVER GETS BETTER. GETS WORSE BY THE SECOND. I AM POOR,LONELY,DEPRESSED,CRAZY,ADDICTED, AND ON AND ON AND ON ...