Making The Panic Subside

[Anonym9]

My appetite has been voracious the last few days. It started off on Monday, being triggered by a social event the day before. For some reason, whenever I see a certain group of people and have to interact with them I feel terrible the following days. Even the mere thought of hanging out with them can send me on a binge. I guess it's because it puts the spotlight on how much of an outsider I am and that I will never be accepted amongst this group.

Anyhow, Monday I didn't have to work (I only work 2x a week) and all I could do was sit around in my PJs, eat and troll the internet or half heartedly watch re-runs of Dexter. I knew I was emotionally eating but I didn't care. I reasoned that because I was eating pretty healthy and because I run quite often, it didn't matter. But I felt low as hell. Couldn't think of anything I wanted to do with my spare time, felt guilty about that, kept wishing I had a friend to hang out with (I have about 3 friends here maybe - one was at work, one out of town and the other just had a baby so we are in totally different places in our lives). Tuesday was pretty much the same. A mixture of eating, reading blogs, reading up on my new found diagnosis of BPD, feeling bad about that and of course eating more.

Today I thought would be better as I had to work. Nope. I could not stop eating. I've eaten right up until about 10 pm this evening. Normally I follow a no carb/no sugar diet. But tonight I couldn't help it. I marched right over to the store and picked out tons of snack food to pig out on. I am not numbing out when I'm eating so I guess it's not a full on binge per se.. but I am still freakin' hungry. Or no, can't be hungry. That is not real hunger. I just want to eat. And eat. And eat.

I think I can deal with the eating at the moment. Just not the thoughts that follow. Those guilty thoughts. My mind automatically starts calculating how much I will have to run the rest of the week and how little I should eat the next few days to balance it all out. It is a different kind of purging mixed with some good old fashioned restriction. I hate it. I just want to have a normal relationship with food. <_<