Horrible Anxiety

[Elke]

Whatever motivated me to make an appointment with the rehab center for withdrawal, its gone.

I just called the nurses station to check the number and a nurse answered that I remembered and it triggered and now I am in full blown anxiety. Scared to death. My blood pressure is 170, my hearts racing. And believe me people know your anxious, all the memories of people who have told me I am fearful are flashing through my head.I remember going to hospital and the doc saying "You dont have to be afraid". Or starting a job and getting told "You dont have to be afraid, we dont bite".

Anyway I am very anxious, too afraid to go through with it.

Elke

[catsmother21]

Sorry you're feeling like this. What are needing rehab to withdraw from?

I remember my last detox 4 years ago from alcohol. I'd been drinking a litre of vodka every day and when I turned up for the detox on the first day I'd lost so much weight from not eating that I could barely put one foot in front of the other because I was so weak, sweat was pouring off me and my body wasn't just shaking it was jerking everywhere. They gave me the highest dose of chlordiazepoxide that they could and detoxed me over 10 days instead of 7. I have to be honest it was the worst 10 days ever.

Like you, I was terrified of doing the detox in the first place but I knew I didn't and couldn't go on the way that I was. It was the best thing that I ever did. It's hard work staying off it and I have lapsed a couple of times in that I've drunk for one day or one night but the memory of that detox stops me from going back to drinking to everyday.

Not drinking has made a huge difference to my life - it has stopped a lot of my crazy, dangerous behaviour and everyone I know loves the sober me and not the drunk me. I wish I could come with you on your first day because I know what you're going through - giving up a crutch is very scarey.

Take care xx

[Elke]

Not drinking has made a huge difference to my life - it has stopped a lot of my crazy, dangerous behaviour and everyone I know loves the sober me and not the drunk me. I wish I could come with you on your first day because I know what you're going through - giving up a crutch is very scarey.

Take care xx

It was the same with me after I got out of detox. Everyone was telling me how different I am and great I look. I am withdrawing from Benzos. Thanks I really wish someone come in with me. All the strange new faces, the 4 bed rooms, constant coming and going of people, the rigid time schedules. I am not used to any of this, I live alone and have mostly nothing to do all day. I think I will be totally lost and confused the first week just trying to find my way around. Plus the memory of my last stay which was a horror.

Still a bit anxious, but not so much anymore. One more day left and I´ll see how I feel tomorrow.

I like you signature. I think that is the anxiety a bit and the awkwardness. I am never around any people much and a bit worried about the interactions, everyone always seems to know what to talk about, and I can be at a loss for words sometimes.

Anyway thanks for your reply.

Elke

[successful_workthru]

Not drinking has made a huge difference to my life - it has stopped a lot of my crazy, dangerous behaviour and everyone I know loves the sober me and not the drunk me. I wish I could come with you on your first day because I know what you're going through - giving up a crutch is very scarey.

Take care xx

It was the same with me after I got out of detox. Everyone was telling me how different I am and great I look. I am withdrawing from Benzos. Thanks I really wish someone come in with me. All the strange new faces, the 4 bed rooms, constant coming and going of people, the rigid time schedules. I am not used to any of this, I live alone and have mostly nothing to do all day. I think I will be totally lost and confused the first week just trying to find my way around. Plus the memory of my last stay which was a horror.

Still a bit anxious, but not so much anymore. One more day left and I´ll see how I feel tomorrow.

I like you signature. I think that is the anxiety a bit and the awkwardness. I am never around any people much and a bit worried about the interactions, everyone always seems to know what to talk about, and I can be at a loss for words sometimes.

Anyway thanks for your reply.

Elke

Hi Elke

Did you not have any success in finding a doctor who can taper you off benzos at a slow safe rate in Germany. Sorry I cannot remember what you said about the law in your country, and benzos. Do you have any links that I could read, and maybe help you. Don't worry if they are in German, I could use google to translate. I just don't want to see you suffer, and I hope you do not find this offer of mine condescending in any way.

Instead of going to detox, I would chase this up, because if all the benzo users in germany are having their meds stopped, that would mean one hell of a lot of ill people, in all wallks of life. Some of these may be on really high doses, and if people on very large doses suddenly have their benzos stopped this could be dangerous, even lethal.

Detox is not meant for benzo users, because it takes much, much longer to safely detox from benzos.

I know tapers can seem a drag, but they ensure the safest way to come off, while minimizing chances of post withdrawal symptoms, which could last a long time if people are taken off too quick.

I know how it feels to be anxious, everything is a huge worry, and it is VERY uncomfortable.

Has anyone shown you any anxiety management techniques?, or could you look online for any tips for managing anxiety?

You can pm me the links if you want, or you can pm me just to talk if you feel the need, because as you know, I am also coming off benzos.

lots of love

SW

[Elke]

sw I cant do it slow, I have battled a whole year now with reducing then back up again. Its all or nothing now. I just cant manage to do it slow! And I am tired of doctor shopping. I prob could find one, but I´m tired of it.

Very ambivalent about going. My mom says if I am so anxious, not to go. But I made sure I got rid of my Benzo stash so I have nothing here - my way of forcing myself to go. Stupid.

I have downloaded an anxiety management, just cant listen to it, ironically I am too full anxiety to concentrate and listen.

If it doesnt go as bad as it did last year, I will get through this better. I must have inherited this from my mom. She almost gets nervous breakdowns when she has to go to hospital.

Thanks for your support and wellmeaning sw. But its over a year now and I am on a higher dose than I did before I started. I´m so sorry.

Elke

[Elke]

sw, btw I have the possibility of participating in a 4 month, inpatient, after-care programm. If all goes well and I feel I can adjust well enough I will participate. I´ll keep in touch. There is internet on the grounds.

hugs, Elke

[catsmother21]

Hope all goes well elkex

[Elke]

Thanks cm ;)

[Elke]

I´m a coward, I´m a loser, I can´t defend myself. And they´re all gonna be pouncing on me. Because they know they can do it. And thats what I´m afraid of. I must be crazy for going back in there.

[successful_workthru]

Elke

I feel as if I cannot do it slow too. I just want off these pills.

It's not that I am tempted to take more valium, as I tried updosing in the past and it never worked for me. I just want off, however, the only thing that keeps me on this taper is knowing that coming off too quickly, will just mean I have a longer and more painful withdrawal period.

Slow is faster when it comes to benzo healing. Its a year in Oct since I started tapering.

Its no wonder you are tired, and tired of doctor shopping, but I would love it if you could just gently push yourself to find a decent doc. I say gently push, becuause in w/d its worse if we push ourselves too hard.

Very ambivalent about going. My mom says if I am so anxious, not to go.

I think your mum makes sense here.

But I made sure I got rid of my Benzo stash so I have nothing here - my way of forcing myself to go. Stupid.

You are not stupid. Getting rid of benzo stash sounded like a way of you pushing yourself. I would get some more from the doctor asap.

I have downloaded an anxiety management, just cant listen to it, ironically I am too full anxiety to concentrate and listen.

Maybe the detox decision is causing your anxiety, but I am glad you found something online. Maybe you could listen to it at a time when you are more able to concentrate. Anxiety hinders concentration.

Thanks for your support and wellmeaning sw. But its over a year now and I am on a higher dose than I did before I started. I´m so sorry.

DONT be sorry. I am just worried that like other benzo recoverers who have been into rapid detox, you may end up being on even more pills, due to the harsh withdrawals from the rapid detox, plus, more updoses may not work, like me-I updosed 3 times. It dosent matter how high a dose you are on, what does matter is coming off them safely.

Sorry to keep banging on about tapers, I wish I was off my valium, but from others experiences of rapid detox, I know the most comfortable way to get off benzos is slowly. I wish patience for us both, because I dont know about you, but I feel impatient to get of them, and have to keep telling myself that I will be benzo free, and other benzo taperers on lower doses have told me the time will pass quickly. Since last Oct when I started tapering, the time has passed quickly. I dont mean to scare you, you can do this safely, I just dont want you to suffer un-necessarily.

All my love

SW

[Elke]

Hi sw, I am going to write this in parts, as so much has happened I cant sort it out myself either yet.

First, the clinic asked me to call this morning at 8 before coming in, as they wanted to make sure the bed was free. Well, NO it wasnt free. I hung up and you wouldnt believe how relieved I was. All the tension left my body. GOD was I relieved!!! I told them I had no Benzos left though and they said "Go to your doctor".

The next thing I did was to call my mom and tell her the good news!!! It was 8 in the morning and I thought she would be so happy to hear it, instead she grumped about throwing her out of bed. The next thing she said was "Oh, I wonder what Christopher (my son) is going to say about this". That confused me.

Next step was my nervousness about whether I would even GET a prescription from the doctor. I called and explained the situation, that there was no bed free and I needed a prescription. She said to come by and shortly talk to my doctor. I went there - and somehow I sensed she might not believe me and that I was making this story up. She did give me a prescription, but not for the usual amount, we didnt talk, but I know she only gave me 20 because she believed a bed would be free soon and by that time I would be in hospital. I know I cannot trust her and I decided to give it a try and go back to a doctor I once had here who is understanding and trusts me and I have hope that when he comes back from vacation on Monday, and I talk to him and explain the whole mess sensibly, I will get prescriptions from him.

sw, I DO NOT WANT TO GO in clinic. No way.

After I came home, I called my son. I told him the story about the bed not being free and that I was not going back to that clinic because I experienced so much bad things in there I dont want to go through again. Cynically he said he had a lot of bad experiences too, that he didnt want to go through again (meaning me). I said I was going to stay on the Benzos, and if he didnt like it, then we´ll just have to leave it. And I now remember that he once said "You get off the Benzos first, and then we´ll see (if our estranged relationship) can be mended. He said he now didnt want to hear A WORD ABOUT BENZOS ANYMORE. And I asked him if this meant that he wanted no contact with me anymore, but he said "No, thats not what it means"

I have been trying to figure out my motive for going in the clinic in first place.

But I cant write anymore now, sw. I am so exhausted.

[angelsmile]

just wanted to send you some (((hugs))) xx

[successful_workthru]

Hi Elke

First, the clinic asked me to call this morning at 8 before coming in, as they wanted to make sure the bed was free. Well, NO it wasnt free. I hung up and you wouldnt believe how relieved I was. All the tension left my body. GOD was I relieved!!! I told them I had no Benzos left though and they said "Go to your doctor".

Personally, I'm glad the clinic had no beds (no offence meant) but it wouldnt be the right thing for you, but I do agree with them saying get more benzos

The next thing I did was to call my mom and tell her the good news!!! It was 8 in the morning and I thought she would be so happy to hear it, instead she grumped about throwing her out of bed. The next thing she said was "Oh, I wonder what Christopher (my son) is going to say about this". That confused me.

I'm so sorry your mum responded in a confusing way. Maybe you could tell them rapid detox at the clinic will only prolong the suffering for reasons given in my last post. (nervous system not getting chance to heal)

Next step was my nervousness about whether I would even GET a prescription from the doctor. I called and explained the situation, that there was no bed free and I needed a prescription. She said to come by and shortly talk to my doctor. I went there - and somehow I sensed she might not believe me and that I was making this story up. She did give me a prescription, but not for the usual amount, we didnt talk, but I know she only gave me 20 because she believed a bed would be free soon and by that time I would be in hospital. I know I cannot trust her and I decided to give it a try and go back to a doctor I once had here who is understanding and trusts me and I have hope that when he comes back from vacation on Monday, and I talk to him and explain the whole mess sensibly, I will get prescriptions from him.

Sorry to hear the first doc only gave you 20, but best of luck with the next doc on Monday, keeping fingers crossed x

sw, I DO NOT WANT TO GO in clinic. No way.

Thats because you are sensible and know it will do more harm than good.

After I came home, I called my son. I told him the story about the bed not being free and that I was not going back to that clinic because I experienced so much bad things in there I dont want to go through again. Cynically he said he had a lot of bad experiences too, that he didnt want to go through again (meaning me). I said I was going to stay on the Benzos, and if he didnt like it, then we´ll just have to leave it. And I now remember that he once said "You get off the Benzos first, and then we´ll see (if our estranged relationship) can be mended. He said he now didnt want to hear A WORD ABOUT BENZOS ANYMORE. And I asked him if this meant that he wanted no contact with me anymore, but he said "No, thats not what it means"

I'm glad your son DIDN'T mean he wanted no more contact, but sorry to hear of his lack of udnerstnding of the benzos, and what they can do to peoples personality. Its not you, its the pills. Getting off them slowly and safely is the only way.

I have been trying to figure out my motive for going in the clinic in first place.

Could it just be, that like me, you just want to be off the benzos? Maybe it was a flash idea that popped into your head, and then you re-thought of the consequences?

Anyhow, I hope it all works out for you Elke, and I look forward to hearing you feeling better and off the benzos, just have faith, you will do it.

lots of love

SW

[Elke]

Hi Elke

Did you not have any success in finding a doctor who can taper you off benzos at a slow safe rate in Germany. Sorry I cannot remember what you said about the law in your country, and benzos. Do you have any links that I could read, and maybe help you. Don't worry if they are in German, I could use google to translate. I just don't want to see you suffer, and I hope you do not find this offer of mine condescending in any way.

Instead of going to detox, I would chase this up, because if all the benzo users in germany are having their meds stopped, that would mean one hell of a lot of ill people, in all wallks of life. Some of these may be on really high doses, and if people on very large doses suddenly have their benzos stopped this could be dangerous, even lethal.

Detox is not meant for benzo users, because it takes much, much longer to safely detox from benzos.

I know tapers can seem a drag, but they ensure the safest way to come off, while minimizing chances of post withdrawal symptoms, which could last a long time if people are taken off too quick.

I know how it feels to be anxious, everything is a huge worry, and it is VERY uncomfortable.

Has anyone shown you any anxiety management techniques?, or could you look online for any tips for managing anxiety?

You can pm me the links if you want, or you can pm me just to talk if you feel the need, because as you know, I am also coming off benzos.

lots of love

SW

sw I dont WANT to get off the Benzos at the moment. The whole situation has made a nervous wreck out of me and my hands have been shaking for days and I was utterly tense. Today is the first day I am fairly calm, but only because I went to a neighbor who said I could come by if I wasnt doing well. Otherwise the flashback of the clinic have been hauting me (NOBODY in ther liked me). Now I am having heart pain and this morning I had to go to the ambulance for a shot because I have Asthma and I wasnt getting any air. Then after all that was OK, I come home and suddenly have heart pain - I have a Tachykardie and my pulse was 116. 120 is life threatening. Now I talked to my mom and she criticized me and said cant we talk about anything else besides being sick for a change??!! Feel so rejected again and maybe she´s right. But God, if I´m feeling sick, I´m feeling sick. Nonofx likes to hear about people talking about illnesses. And now I just called her and said well then I dont want to hear anything about YOUR ilnnesses either.

Everbody hates me.

You dont want to talk to me either until I´m off the Benzo´s????

[successful_workthru]

Elke

I do want to talk to you, benzos or not. You are not the benzos.

People who have never experienced benzo withdrawal just do not understand. It can feel like banging your head against a brick wall trying to get them to understand.

Only another person affected by benzos can fully understand, and even then it should be someonoe who has gone through the same suffering as you. That is why I think benzo forums are a god send so long as we stay away from the scare stories.

I have not suffered as much as you, so I can only understand to a certain extent, but nonetheless, I am here for you if you want to talk. I do not hate you, I feel much compassion for you (but not pity as that would be patronising to you)

Here in the UK, we have NHS Prodigy advice for Doctors-a guide for doctors, regarding benzos (not that many doctors know this), but on this guide it says if the person is not motivated to stop the drug, do not pressurise them in to stopping. In other words, if the person is not ready. You can download this guide, by going to bataid.org, and clicking on the downloads section at the top of the page.

I personally felt that although I didnt feel ready to taper, I wanted off these drugs, as I know I can get tolerant to them, and they not only stop working, but can make matters worse. Having said that, I respect whatever choice you make, as its your body, not mine.

I am glad that a kind neighbour said you could come and see them when not doing well.

I would see a doctor about your heart if you are concerned though, as this will bring peace of mind, and ease any worry you have, as you have informed a medical profesional.

Your mum isn't 'right' she just does not know the extent of your suffering, as she has never withdrawn from benzos in a clinic like you have.

Nonofx likes to hear about people talking about illnesses. And now I just called her and said well then I dont want to hear anything about YOUR ilnnesses either.

I am sorry but I am unclear on the above. Who is nonofx? Is this the neighbour you mentioned above? Could you clarify the last sentence for me please, sorry to sound dense.

I hate to hear of your suffering, and I dont hate you.

love

SW

[successful_workthru]

Hi Elke, I tried to pm you, but your box must be full, as its not letting me send pm's.

I hope you are not suffering so badly, cos I hate to hear any one suffering.

love

SW x

[Elke]

Sorry, sw. "Nonofx likes to hear about people talking about illnesses" I meant "no one". Misspelled it.

With all this anxiety going on the last few days, I have finally got my memory back and telling you how all this came about. Sw right now all I have is my mom. I have no one left. I went out with her one day and she was in a real skunky funk. EVERYTHING I said to her she replied with "Now she´s starting on THAT subject" and the next thing I said "Now she´s starting with THIS subject" I got really upset and asked her well what is was THAT I could talk about. She was in a bad mood and because I got angry didnt even want to ride home in the car with me, but had no other choice. In the evening I called her and she didnt answer the phone, I was worried. Finally she answered and she said "WORRIED ABOUT ME???!!!! We had a fight today and its ALL YOUR FAULT!! I dont want to talk to you for three days!!!!" Since I have no one but her I sat at home like a little child who was scolded and sent to her room. At this time I decided it was time to leave and move away from here. But I cannot do it on Benzos. Which led to my decision to go to withdrawal clinic first. Which triggered bad memories and anxiety about the clinic again. And that is the whole story.

I will empty my PM folder.

Elke

[successful_workthru]

Thanks, Elke, for clarifying that for me.

I am sure that no one would want another person to suffer in silence, and deteriorate without telling someone.

In benzo withdrawal, people can be sick for a long time, and people who havent experienced benzo withdrawal just dont understand. I know you are not withdrawing now, but your nervous system is still recovering from the rapid detoxes etc, so no wonder you feel sick.

I understand that to a certain extent, from my own expeirences, and I know that those who have had worse withdrawals/detoxes etc understand even more. That is why I think forums are good. TRAP would not judge you, I have seen members return and they are not judged. I left TRAP for ages when I updosed, and when I came back they were very non judgemental and kind.

If you dont want to join trap again, theres others.

I am glad you got your memory back, that sounds positive.

Sw right now all I have is my mom. I have no one left. I went out with her one day and she was in a real skunky funk. EVERYTHING I said to her she replied with "Now she´s starting on THAT subject" and the next thing I said "Now she´s starting with THIS subject" I got really upset and asked her well what is was THAT I could talk about. She was in a bad mood and because I got angry didnt even want to ride home in the car with me, but had no other choice. In the evening I called her and she didnt answer the phone, I was worried. Finally she answered and she said "WORRIED ABOUT ME???!!!! We had a fight today and its ALL YOUR FAULT!! I dont want to talk to you for three days!!!!" Since I have no one but her I sat at home like a little child who was scolded and sent to her room. At this time I decided it was time to leave and move away from here. But I cannot do it on Benzos. Which led to my decision to go to withdrawal clinic first. Which triggered bad memories and anxiety about the clinic again. And that is the whole story.

This is so sad, but thank you for explaining this to me. I am glad you decided not to go to the clinic. Another rapid detox will make you even worse, i.e. not fit to move anywhere, and I would hate to see that.

It sounds to me, your mum just does not understand. Do you think there is a possibility deep down, that she is worried about you, and this is her maladaptive way of dealing with it?

My own family told me they do not understand what I am going through, and I get the feeling they think I will recover quickly. Who knows, if I lived near them and saw them every day, they may think the same. I know it was a bit wearing on them when I was anxious about a diferent thing every day.

It maybe that, your mum is not well enough to provide the support you need. Some of my freinds suffer from mental distress and they cannot always be there for me.

On a good day, perhaps when your mum is in a good mood, do you feel like you could ask you mum to read the following link, and maybe listen to the podcast on this page. It is especially for members of a family in which someone is suffering from damage caused by benzos

http://recovery-road.org/for-caregivers/family/

I hope this post helps

all my love

SW

[Elke]

I know you are not withdrawing now, but your nervous system is still recovering from the rapid detoxes etc, so no wonder you feel sick.

Gosh sw, I never considered that might be a possibility...

It sounds to me, your mum just does not understand. Do you think there is a possibility deep down, that she is worried about you, and this is her maladaptive way of dealing with it?

No, I doubt that, I know her too well. Its typical of a Borderline family to ignore problems.

On a good day, perhaps when your mum is in a good mood, do you feel like you could ask you mum to read the following link, and maybe listen to the podcast on this page. It is especially for members of a family in which someone is suffering from damage caused by benzos

http://recovery-road.org/for-caregivers/family/

thanks for the link, but it is in English and my mom only speaks German. Its very good. Could send it to my son, but you know about the estrangement.

Thanks for all you help sw, you are truly a friend. I feel kind of in a bind though. I live in Germany and they know absolutely nothing and have never heard about the Ashton method and slow withdrawal. Yet this is the country I have to withdraw in.

sending you hugs, Elke

[Elke]

I know you are not withdrawing now, but your nervous system is still recovering from the rapid detoxes etc, so no wonder you feel sick.

Gosh sw, I never considered that might be a possibility...

It sounds to me, your mum just does not understand. Do you think there is a possibility deep down, that she is worried about you, and this is her maladaptive way of dealing with it?

No, I doubt that, I know her too well. Its typical of a Borderline family to ignore problems.

On a good day, perhaps when your mum is in a good mood, do you feel like you could ask you mum to read the following link, and maybe listen to the podcast on this page. It is especially for members of a family in which someone is suffering from damage caused by benzos

http://recovery-road.org/for-caregivers/family/

thanks for the link, but it is in English and my mom only speaks German. Its very good. Could send it to my son, but you know about the estrangement.

Thanks for all you help sw, you are truly a friend. I feel kind of in a bind though. I live in Germany and they know absolutely nothing and have never heard about the Ashton method and slow withdrawal. Yet this is the country I have to withdraw in.

sending you hugs, Elke

OH, I sent you a PM xx

[Elke]

I know you are not withdrawing now, but your nervous system is still recovering from the rapid detoxes etc, so no wonder you feel sick.

Gosh sw, I never considered that might be a possibility...

It sounds to me, your mum just does not understand. Do you think there is a possibility deep down, that she is worried about you, and this is her maladaptive way of dealing with it?

No, I doubt that, I know her too well. Its typical of a Borderline family to ignore problems.

On a good day, perhaps when your mum is in a good mood, do you feel like you could ask you mum to read the following link, and maybe listen to the podcast on this page. It is especially for members of a family in which someone is suffering from damage caused by benzos

http://recovery-road.org/for-caregivers/family/

thanks for the link, but it is in English and my mom only speaks German. Its very good. Could send it to my son, but you know about the estrangement.

Thanks for all you help sw, you are truly a friend. I feel kind of in a bind though. I live in Germany and they know absolutely nothing and have never heard about the Ashton method and slow withdrawal. Yet this is the country I have to withdraw in.

sending you hugs and xx Elke

OH, I sent you a PM

[successful_workthru]

I said your nervous system is still recovering from rapid detox, cos I feel like mine is also recovering from when I took benzos erratically and stopped for a month.

No, I doubt that, I know her too well. Its typical of a Borderline family to ignore problems.

People ignore problems cos they feel they cannot deal with them, some families, just dont do emotional stuff. Mine, although they love me, dont really do emotional stuff.

thanks for the link, but it is in English and my mom only speaks German. Its very good. Could send it to my son, but you know about the estrangement.

Could you use "Google translator" to translate the page into german?

I got your pm, and I am really saddened to hear that Germany is so backward in benzo w/d knowledge, there must be a lot of germans suffering out there. Do you think it is possible to link up with any of them online?

If not, could you write a post on the benzo forums to ask if there are any germans or people living in germany. I know I already suggested thatlast sentence, so if you feel the need, you can disregard it.

All my love

SW

[Elke]

Well now it looks like I HAVE to go through with it. In Germany there is a new law that Benzos cannot be prescribed anymore, 2 doctors confirmed this. I´m 56 years old and will be the oldest in there. I swear if there are any bored creeps in there that decide to play a joke on me - I am going to blow, like I did the last time. How can I avoid this?

For example I went into my room and someone wet my bed exactly where I would be sleeping. I was convinced it was a joke the other girls in my room were playing on me to make it look like I was really a sick mental case and I freaked out. I´m not in there for practical jokes, but because I HAVE to go. I dont know how to survive it.