So Low And Depressed

[shidoshi]

Hi

my names rob im 38 years old married with 1 child a girl named jade.

however im so low and depressed all i think about is jumping off a bridge (but im too much of a coward to do it)

my life is getting worse and worse each day.

all my life i,ve been a nobody and failed at everything.

i never really listened in school hence why my spelling,maths etc is so bad.

every since i can remember all i did was stay in my room playing.

never really had many friends as a child (only got 1 friend now how sad is that)

i dont drink so never ever went clubbing or pubs. i dont smoke or ever took drugs.

yet im in such a black hole and cry so much none of my family know how i feel.

i aint had a job for 10 years now (thats another problem)

i just spent the last hour crying to myself like a baby.

i wish sometimes i did drink so i could drown my sorrows for a night, however seeing as i dont drink my wife would know sommit was up.

i love my family soo much but i need to end this,

i truly wish i was never born hand on heart i mean that , my family would be so much better off..

dunno what else to say theres so much messed up in my life i cant explain it all in 1 go

maybe if there really is a god he will take me tonight in my sleep,

[AmyP]

((((((Shidoshi)))))) so sorry to hear everything youv been through. your family wuldnt be better off hun i completely understand why you feel like this because im in the same thing. but it would break their hearts hun. here if you need to talk hun xxx

[shidoshi]

((((((Shidoshi)))))) so sorry to hear everything youv been through. your family wuldnt be better off hun i completely understand why you feel like this because im in the same thing. but it would break their hearts hun. here if you need to talk hun xxx

it may break there hearts at first (times a great healer so they say)

then they can get on with there lives and be alot happier.

all i think about is ways to end my life but never go through with it as im a coward.( cant even do that)

[AmyP]

hun my mum lost her brother and my grandparents lost their son. Its not somethin you EVER get over hun. never.

this thought has stopped me doing it so many times. hun try and imagine if you lost them. would you ever get oever it? you wouldnt hun xx

[shidoshi]

hun my mum lost her brother and my grandparents lost their son. Its not somethin you EVER get over hun. never.

this thought has stopped me doing it so many times. hun try and imagine if you lost them. would you ever get oever it? you wouldnt hun xx

i just need somehow to release this dark cloud im too ashamed to go doctors. or cry infront of my wife.

btw thank u soo much for the replies its really nice of u too waste your time on a nobody.

funny even as i type im crying

funny theres a saying life is too short (then mines bloody dragging i hope i die before 40)

[AmyP]

dont be ashamed to go to your doctors hun i made myself and all it can do is get better and help you. it doesnt make you weak hun it makes you strong for admitting theres a problem and doing something about it

your not a nobody you deserve help as much as anyone does xx

[anonymous178]

Life is short, but it is bloody long if you're unhappy!

You say all your life you've been a nobody........ I bet your wife and your daughter don't think you're a nobody!

To them, you're somebody very special, somebody they love and don't want to lose!!

You also say you're a failure at everything, and can't go through with killing yourself - I bet part of that is because you don't want to leave your family, you don't want to fail them. You're not cowardly at all, you're choosing to stick by them despite what you're going through, and that deserves commendation!

By putting their needs before yours like that, you are actually doing the opposite of failing them!

:)

[shidoshi]

u mind me asking how long it took u to see an improvement.?

and its not just ashamed i feel , its anxiety

i,ve known for a long time i suffer from it but never done anything about it.

see even going to doctors i have a problem , before i even open the door i need to know how many people are inside where are they sat (so i know where i need to sit before i even open the door)etc

same as going out for a meal or cinema i need to know everything before i get to the place.

silly really but its a nightmare

[AmyP]

actually im still havin appointments to see what help i need because i didnt tell them everything. anxiety is a big problem for me too hun cancelled loads of pointments and put it off because of it

i do the samee. go through every possible conversation and scenario or whos going to be there, who im seeing etc xx

[shidoshi]

I bet part of that is because you don't want to leave your family, you don't want to fail them. You're not cowardly at all, you're choosing to stick by them despite what you're going through, and that deserves commendation!

By putting their needs before yours like that, you are actually doing the opposite of failing them!

to be honest i dunno my heads so messed up i still believe its because im a coward else i would have done it. its more about if i fail then what happens, than about my family thats sounds so selfish,

i know im not thinking like a normal person. i wish i could turn it off like a switch.

thank u for your reply

[HelloRainyDay]

your story is upsetting,

but trust me dear, suicide is a perminent solition.. to a temporary proplem. you may hear this everyday.. but there is hope.. lots of it. your child. you must want to see you child succeed in life and live the wonderful moments you couldnt, alot of parents do this. its called 'living your life through theirs'

family are a very important thing. the effects if would have on them loosing you, are un describable, i lost my father when i was young.. it ruined my mother.

everybody serves a purpous in life, beleive me.

yours may not be to have good job, or be cever.. but maybe.. its too love.

maybe its to bring up your child who may go on to do brilliant things.

your not old, not yet. if your gone today.. you could miss an opportunity tommorow, live for tommorow

not having friends, isnt always a bad thing. wife, child, friend. these 3 people probably think the world of you. and need you in their lives each and every day to survive.

100 friends who are half dedecated? or 1 who you mean the absolout world too?

think about it.

live for yourself, live for other people.

there are so many places you can get help.. people who know your situation.. people who can bring your life up.

one of the post valued things in life: your life itsself.

dont throw it away when their are people who value it.

if theirs at least one person who cares about you, then i tell you now sir.. your not anobody at all.

your someone. your a human being.

and you deserve to be here. <3

i truely hope iv helped.

[shidoshi]

THANK u soo much i,ve been sitting here for an hour crying to myself while my wife and child are asleep upstairs.

i do love them more than anything and i do not want to hurt them. my lifes messed enough, i dont want them going though what i am.

i really need help inside im crying out for someone to help me.

i,ve let my family down

all your kindness helps.

but im still here and suffering ( i know its my own fault too weak and ashamed to cry for help)

i,ve thought about leaving a note for my wife to find while im out (hoping she,ll find it to break the ice)

but like i say too ashamed to own up i have a massive problem , and its getting worse each day

thanks all for your messages,

[anonymous178]

I think you should definitely tell your wife how you are feeling, if it helps to write it down instead of telling her face to face, then that's what you should do.. if it was your wife going through this, wouldn't you want her to confide in you?

If, God forbid, something were to happen to you, your wife would feel bad that she didnt know what was going on, and would always wonder if there was something she could have done had she known.

Admitting that you have a problem and need help is a huuuuuuuuuuge part of the battle already over! With your wife by your side, you could tackle it as a team, supporting each other through this difficult time and when you come out the other side you will be so much stronger as having gone through this together!

I really hope you find the courage to reach out to your wife, like you've reached out to us here.

If you want to let her know without actually speaking to her, why not leave this page open on your computer when you know she might discover it?

Good luck!! :)

[jaysee333]

Hi Shidoshi, Sorry to hear how your feeling, im thinking of you, i see your reading the topic still. Does your wife know half of what you feel you have to tell her, your not weak its just hard to admit it, but you already have to us. I myself felt like this years ago( and still do at times) but things have got better. If you tell your wife she can support you and go to the Dr`s with you with someone you feel safe with, (this is what my girlfriend did for me), It just sounds like your brain chemistry( like many of us) which can be helped with some medication. You will probably feel better/relieved at different stages like telling your wife 1) making an appointment 2)going 3) talking to Dr 4)Dont think your different from anyone else they deal with depression all the time, try writing all that you`ve told us down so you dont have to think so much at Dr`s, or your wife could speak for you too to fill in gaps. I know its hard but it will get better you have to make this step, you never know you may feel a bit better, is it worth a try, keep us informed. Tears are words the heart cant express, youve done this to us, i think youve got the strength. I never listened at school for me too much was going on at home, when i got help i could go to college and learn again, another boost for my depression, Please find it in yourself, you can do it, Take Care Kind Regards J.

[shidoshi]

yea im still reading and my wife knows nothing.

i really feel after all your kind words i need to have courage to make a doctors appointment.

i think i,ll tell my wife i aint feeling to well and need to make a doctors appointment,

then we go doctors but she stays out side till i,ve said what i need to doctor.

then hopefully the doctor will call her in and tell her (im still too ashamed to own up to my wife) i know even though im telling a doctor,

i think its cause its kind of like your all strangers i can say it but to me wife is a big let down for me.

i will promise to keep u updated on how it goes

thanks again for your words

[anonymous178]

That's a very brave thing you're doing, and a very positive step! I'm sure your wife will be proud of you for doing something about it, and you should be proud of yourself too! I know I don't know you, but I feel proud of you as well for taking such a big step!!

Well done on reaching this stage and on making the right decision!

I hope it all goes well for you, and look forward to your next update!! :)

[jaysee333]

Your Welcome Shidoshi(Rob) Just try and stay positive, you shouldn`t be ashamed, she may probably know there is something wrong and may be relieved its because your not feeling well and that you still love her and child, rather than its not something else like your leaving etc Good Luck J

Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.

Winston Churchill

[shidoshi]

well quick update

i went doctors with wife this morning (told my wife had a pain in my side) she came with me.

i went in the doctors wife sat in waiting room

had a stand in female doctor who was AMAZING

i started to tell her how i feel and ended up crying my eyes out.

she asked if that was my wife in waiting room i said yes.

after she talked to me she asked if my wife knows anything about how i feel. i said no

she then asked if i wanted her to tell my wife (OMG that was the best feeling)

she called my wife in and explained how im feeling.

im now on tablets and was given a councilling letter.

i went round the councilling place straight after the doctors and spent 30mins talking.

got to go back to councilling next friday , and in 2 weeks gotta go back doctors to chat aswell.

so its all out now

still got a long way to go.

but atleast 1 thing is certain some of the pain has been lifted..

THNX for all the very kind words and encouragement i really dont think i would have done this today without you all...

[anonymous178]

I'm so pleased everything went well with the doctor, and I'm glad you feel better that something is now being done about it.

"The journey of 1000 miles starts with a single step" - Confucius.

You've done the right thing here, by yourself and by your family and I hope you're really proud of yourself for doing it!

I'm pleased your wife is being supportive and understanding too.

With meds and counselling, your wife beside you and without the burden of having to hide any more, I'm sure you will be making progress in no time!!!

Keep us updated! :)

[jaysee333]

Hey thats great news shidoshi(rob, Im so glad you went to the Drs an some of the pain has been lifted......

The soul would have no rainbows if the eyes had no tears....

[anonymous178]

two fantastic quotes Jaysee!!!! :)