What The Hell Is Happening To Me?

[catsmother21]

I had a good day until about 8pm last night. During the day, I had no anxiety at all because I'd told myself that I didn't have to go out and I could just stay in and get on with some housework. In the afternoon, my mood began to elevate - I was sat here singing songs to my hubby and dancing in my chair (total right hip replacement two years ago - chair dancing is all I can manage now!!). My speech was getting faster and faster, I knew I was talking rubbish and kept telling myself to shut up.

I don't like getting like this because I know that I'm going to crash back to earth with a bump. So I went and got in the bath and stayed there for a while to calm down slowly. When I came back downstairs I felt better. I then watched the X Factor which wasn't the best of ideas because that show is such an emotional rollercoaster for me - there are bits that bring tears to my eyes, bits that make me laugh and bits that give me goosebumps when they are really good. Needless to say, I crashed. We don't smoke in our house so I went and sat on the step outside and had a ciggie. I started to shake, I thought it was because I was cold at first but then I realised what was happening and I had a full blown panic attack.

I suffer with anxiety all the time but with anxiety management and DBT skills, I've managed to minimise it for a long time. This is the 3rd really bad attack in the last 4 days and I just don't understand where it's come from or why it's come back with such a vengeance. I don't want to have to go back to being housebound but I really don't know what to do.

My hubby and I have been together for 4 years and he's never seen me as bad as this and I don't want him to see me like this. He was wonderful last night but it can't be very nice for him to see me like this. Does anyone have any suggestions? :(

[Roses]

Hi there Cat. Can I start with a big hug for you ((((((((((((((((((((((Cat))))))))))))))))))))))))) It's hard when things happen that we can't control. But your husband loves you for who you are and part of you is this part. He was great last night because he wants to be there for you. One of the things I struggle with the most is accepting help and accepting myself for who I am (warts and all). I'm sure if it was the other way around you would be there for him. Let him in and let him help you hun. I know it sounds corny but it will only strenghten your relationship if you share the good and the bad times. xxx

[sophhee23]

Hey dude, sounds like ur having a rough time atm i know exactly what you mean about crashing tho...im housebound unless im with someone i know and am comfortable with and then i can only really be out for a hour - 2hrs tops before i start to come down, but if i dont, instead i will go on a massive high...which like you i know is leading to a huge crash! either the same or next day! The only thing i have found to do is sleep unfortunatly...but i get this everytime i go out and have a nice time, every single time! I call it my punishment for having an hour or being kinda "normal" and feeling ok for a little while.

I have no wise words im afraid hun, or any answers, i just thought id post that i can totally relate to this so your certainly not alone!!

If you figure it out hun...let me know!!

Huge huggles xxxx

[Dani]

i can totally relate.hugs to you.your hubby loved you for who you are and altough it

mustnt have been nice for him as roses said it will stregnthen your relationship xx

[catsmother21]

Thanks to all 3 of you lovely ladies x

I've just been looking at our wedding photos and there's one of me where I'm laughing my head off. There's such life and sparkle in me ... when I looked at myself in the mirror this morning, my skin is dull and my eyes are lifeless.

This is really getting me down.

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I feel like ripping into myself with a knife, I want to drink. Shitting Shittington.

[*Summer*]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((cat)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I am such alergic to mirrors,I try and not look in them,I hope this will pass for you soon hun.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[catsmother21]

My husband has seen all my warts an all apart from this one. I SHed and ODed a couple of times very early on in our relationship,he's seen me stay in bed for weeks when I've been going through a bad bout of depression and so drunk that I can't stand up.

He can understand and support me as well as he does because he has a Bipolar Disorder. He's not had a bad episode for over 6 years now ie hospitalised for months on end, but he still has to cope with mood swings everyday as well and he does brilliantly, I'm so proud of him. This is another reason why I don't want him to see me like this because it will be affecting his mood. The last thing I want to do is bring him down as well.

I hate my mother and step-father for what they did. If I'd just had a different mother I could be a completely different person now.

[catsmother21]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((cat)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I am such alergic to mirrors,I try and not look in them,I hope this will pass for you soon hun.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Thanks Lady Gaga x

[toocrazy]

cm,

I hate my mum too, had a terrible nightmare last night about her and feel crazy today. I don't have big wishes, I don't expect to be happy. I am too afraid to believe anything. I'm not mad at her, I'm still scared of her. I have to move closer to her soon and I feel I won't be able to keep away. I can't tell her the truth, I'm too afraid of her. I have to pretend she is ok or she will hurt me more. I'm the bad one. I'm a mess, always have been the same mess I was as a child, constant non-stop anxiety. I tried to take full responsibility, tried to believe life is up to me to make happen. It is a fundamental trust of the world I don't have and I can't find. It doesn't exist for me. I'm resigned to it but I don't let it lock me to my house. I grind through it out in the world. I accept the damage is not repairable. I accept my goals are tiny. I can exist with almost nothing or noone.

You have looked out at the world and walked out in it. You can't let it get worse by giving in to it. Think of the best you have ever felt and believe it to be possible. The damage has ended, it is over. Don't let your mind tell you that it is getting worse. It just didn't heal all the way, somewhere you got sidetracked and got off the path. Get back on it and walk with faith that you know how well you can be. Whatever progress you have ever made, it is at least as far as it can go. I promise it is and no matter how you suffered as a child it is done.

believe the abuse is over and you have survived

^_^

[AmyP]

really sorry to hear your feeling liek this hun (((((((catsmother)))))) i understand how you feel with your hubby, the guilt and anxiety. but he loves you for who you are hun and im sure he wants to be able to help. take care xxx

[catsmother21]

Thanks toocrazy and amy xx

[Warrior Princess]

The first thing I would do is book in to have your meds assessed. Sometimes when you have a sudden change like this it's due to needing either a change in dosage or a change in meds entirely. It's like your brain gets too use to them or something.

I'd for sure talk to your doc and get some professional advice. Sounds like you have worked very hard in therapy and you don't deserve this! You're very mindful and aware of what is happening which is a positive thing. So when you go up like that, work on things to bring you down and when you go down work on things to bring you back up. Camomile tea works wonders

WP

[catsmother21]

Food for thought - thanks Warrior Princess xx

[hummm_mabbe]

Hi there

It sounds like you have a touch of panic disorder. This can be tricky, because dealing with it is actually the OPPOSITE of what you most want to do.

Panic disorder happens because you become afraid of the feeling of anxiety. People with panic tend to be hyper-aware of their body sensations, and also monitor them acutely. This produces that 'feedback screech' effect like when you hold microphone to a speaker - the act of focusing on it with an attitude of fear (fear of fear) actually produces a sprial, and you have a panic attack.

There are a few things that can help. Firstly, you have to recogjise that trying to control or get rid of panic is actually part of the problem. The attempt to control, and the monitoring that is included, actually leads to the panic itself. Where you want to be rid of the anxiety, you actually need to go towards it, not away. This is a real minefield, because getting the attitude right can be so tough. In your DBT you may have learned mindfulness skills - but you may still, underneath it all, be trying to use mindfulness to make the anxiety go away. You may be doing this without even realising. That is why its important to cultivate the oppsoite attitude - one of wllingness to experience the anxious feelings, and to accept them and be with them as they arise.

A good analogy is like having a tug of war with a monster. Between you is a bottomless pit. You feel anxious, and so you fight it. You pull harder on the rope - but as you do, the anxiety itself also pulls back. You feel yourself getting dragged closer to the hole, and so you panic. The solution seems to you to pull harder, or find some method of pulling that will be more effective. In fact, you need to drop the rope, because what you are doing cannot work. Similarly, if you start using willingness to experience the anxiety as a way to get rid of the anxiety, that too will backfire. So it is a gradual process of really trying to let yourself be open to the anxiety and let it wash over you. This may be acutely painful, and you may fear you are going to have a herat attack or go mad. This may also be something to explore with your therapist, and s/he may help you to induce that state and learn to be with it.

Panic truly is the fear of the holographic monster. As long as you run from it, it remains real in your mind and body. But when you stop and let it try to 'bite' you, you see that the fangs just pass through you. The hardest part though is choosing to turnm round 180 degrees and choose to feel the discomfort. All your efforts thorughout your life will have been geared to wanting to get rid of these feelings. It is hard to accept that that is actually part of the problem itself.

Eventually the anxiety does subside, but it is not the goal or aim of doing this. It is the final side effect. Try to make your aim simply to be willing to experience the anxiety, and do not grade how successful the attempt was in 'getting rid of it'. if you want to grade anything, grade your level of willingness and ability to remaon mindfully present with the anxiety.

Ross

[catsmother21]

Hi there

It sounds like you have a touch of panic disorder. This can be tricky, because dealing with it is actually the OPPOSITE of what you most want to do.

Panic disorder happens because you become afraid of the feeling of anxiety. People with panic tend to be hyper-aware of their body sensations, and also monitor them acutely. This produces that 'feedback screech' effect like when you hold microphone to a speaker - the act of focusing on it with an attitude of fear (fear of fear) actually produces a sprial, and you have a panic attack.

There are a few things that can help. Firstly, you have to recogjise that trying to control or get rid of panic is actually part of the problem. The attempt to control, and the monitoring that is included, actually leads to the panic itself. Where you want to be rid of the anxiety, you actually need to go towards it, not away. This is a real minefield, because getting the attitude right can be so tough. In your DBT you may have learned mindfulness skills - but you may still, underneath it all, be trying to use mindfulness to make the anxiety go away. You may be doing this without even realising. That is why its important to cultivate the oppsoite attitude - one of wllingness to experience the anxious feelings, and to accept them and be with them as they arise.

A good analogy is like having a tug of war with a monster. Between you is a bottomless pit. You feel anxious, and so you fight it. You pull harder on the rope - but as you do, the anxiety itself also pulls back. You feel yourself getting dragged closer to the hole, and so you panic. The solution seems to you to pull harder, or find some method of pulling that will be more effective. In fact, you need to drop the rope, because what you are doing cannot work. Similarly, if you start using willingness to experience the anxiety as a way to get rid of the anxiety, that too will backfire. So it is a gradual process of really trying to let yourself be open to the anxiety and let it wash over you. This may be acutely painful, and you may fear you are going to have a herat attack or go mad. This may also be something to explore with your therapist, and s/he may help you to induce that state and learn to be with it.

Panic truly is the fear of the holographic monster. As long as you run from it, it remains real in your mind and body. But when you stop and let it try to 'bite' you, you see that the fangs just pass through you. The hardest part though is choosing to turnm round 180 degrees and choose to feel the discomfort. All your efforts thorughout your life will have been geared to wanting to get rid of these feelings. It is hard to accept that that is actually part of the problem itself.

Ross

Hi Ross thanks for re-inforcing my old anxiety managements skills and your words of wisdom - I forget them sometimes and need reminding. Cheers m'dears x *Goes to fish out anxiety management folder*

[hummm_mabbe]

Hello

Sorry to shout NOOOOOO at you really loudly, but that is just the point Anxiety MANAGEMENT is the problem - not the solution. Managing implies 'controlling', and its controlling that is actually the key problem in panic.

Do not meditate to feel calm - meditate to accept what is here right now.

Do not breathe deeply in order to feel calm - breathe deeply in order to connect with whats going on in your body.

Do not tell yourself you will be fine in order to relax - instead try to see the truth: That panic is a product of the mind and body.

Distraction techniques will reinforce your belief that anxiety must be avoided at all costs, and so keep the problem going.

Ross

[catsmother21]

Ooops for a supposedly intelligent woman - I can be a right div at times. and you didn't deafen me too much!!

I've re-read what you said and I've not heard of this approach before - do you know where I can get anymore information on this, I like the sound of it a completely different approach to what I've been taught before. I'm going to write down what you've said. x

[Anonym9]

((((Catsmother21)))) - I hope you're feeling better today.

[catsmother21]

((((Catsmother21)))) - I hope you're feeling better today.

Thanks you - I think I am xxxxx

[hummm_mabbe]

Ooops for a supposedly intelligent woman - I can be a right div at times. and you didn't deafen me too much!!

I've re-read what you said and I've not heard of this approach before - do you know where I can get anymore information on this, I like the sound of it a completely different approach to what I've been taught before. I'm going to write down what you've said. x

Hi there

Its a difficult one. We don't really have good words for all this stuff, as it relates to emotional things. Emotional things often dont go easily into words, and two people can hear the same sentence two different ways because of the feelings they bring to it. You arent being a div at all, its not something that you understand intellectually, it comes more from the 'gut'. In a way, you could almost say that getting to this type of emotional acceptance is the aim of all therapies, its just that as sufferers we hear words through the filter of our emotions.

In DBT we learn about Radical Acceptance, but our emotions hear "if we accept, we can make it go away". In CBT we hear about exposure therapy, and we hear "if we face our fears they vanish". Even the therapies that go into the deeper side can fall foul of this wordless conundrum, and we might hope that understanding our pasts will get rid of the emotions too. Then this doesnt work, and we feel despair. In fact, all of these therapies have at their core an unspoken assumption that the person will have to act despite, and alongside, pain and discomfort. You could almost say that getting to the stage where the person realises therapy is not about taking pain away, is part of therapy!

Of course you may think whats the point then - but that again is because words are inadequate to explain it. The feelings can and do change, its just that as soon as you make 'changing feelings' the agenda of therapy, it backfires. The aim is to be able to accept feelings in the moment, and be able to act despite them. To gain enough dustance from them, despite still feeling them, that you are able to see things you did not see before. This struggle with overcoming avoidance of emotion is a core part of most therapies, they just tend not to realise where the patients emotions are leading them. Some therapists can even be confused about this too, or otherwise it is an unspoken assumption about the therapy. It may not be clear that the person is trying to 'get rid' of feelings, and that is why therapy can get stuck. The person feels 'this isnt working', because the agenda of changing feelings appears to be failing.

The only therapy that makes a concious point of addressing this issue that I have found is Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, but as I said it is an assumed, but sometimes unspoken, vague, or easily misunderstood core of most common therapies out there.

Ross