Last Therapy Session Today

[Jinxsta]

Ok after 2years of DBT today is my last session with my therapist (group T ended a while ago) we have a close relationship and I have alot of trust, awe and respect for her.

As you may know im going through a rough time right now, and when I have gone through rough times in the past I have called her and she has helped me through (calls are encouraged in DBT) but, this time i made no contact with her, and I know that if I tell her what I have been going through she will be almost pulling her hair out, asking why I haven't called her.. the answer to this I feel is quite obvious; A)I have to get used to not having her to call now and I don't want to disappoint her or make her feel like she has failed me in anyway because I am still having these major crises.

I would love to be able to go today with a smile on my face and say "ah the last 3weeks have been a bit of a struggle but i've managed it well, used my skills and I know things will get better" me walking off into the sunset, leaving her with a sense of achievement, knowing her hard work, commitment and faith has made a major positive impact on my life.... but I can't. Yes ok, its expected to still have crises but Im expected to be able to handle them skillfully now, and although I haven't self-harmed of attempted suicide in the last two weeks.. i did both the week before, I would not tell her but, she already knows because another patient (ex friend) told her.

I feel like a complete failure and knowing im losing her really hurts... shes a BPD expert so she already knows im going to be feeling this way. I know she would much rather I expressed my emotions than hid them from her, plus dont think i would be able to hide them from her anyway, she knows me too well.

How can I make this last session a productive one and walk away feeling ok about it?

xxx

[aurorablues]

Hi Jinx,

Wow what a milestone, well done

I think if you went in there with a mask on and said everythings been fine you may ultimately make yourself feel worse.

You will not be a failure for admitting these things to her.

Honesty is the best policy in therapy. It will help for you to talk through your situation so you can figure out what the root cause of it is. It may be the fact that your DBT has come to end and you may find that quite unsettling and this could be manifesting itself in different ways, Hence your current rough patch.

Aurora :)

[Jinxsta]

Hi Jinx,

Wow what a milestone, well done Thank you

I think if you went in there with a mask on and said everythings been fine you may ultimately make yourself feel worse. I wouldnt feel great for lying but would feel good that i have made her feel good.

You will not be a failure for admitting these things to her. I feel unthoughtful for admitting those things.

Honesty is the best policy in therapy. It will help for you to talk through your situation so you can figure out what the root cause of it is. It may be the fact that your DBT has come to end and you may find that quite unsettling and this could be manifesting itself in different ways, Hence your current rough patch. Yeah i think you maybe right, although i dont feel like its been directly affecting me, its only natural for me that it would, losing a trusting relationship is always going to be hard, think i just been blocking it.

Aurora

[aurorablues]

She would probably more happy that you can admit them to her, then if you couldn't.

I hope your session goes well.

Aurora :)

[Roses]

Thinking of you xxx

[Jinxsta]

Thanks Roses and aurora... yea i think she would be dissappointed if i felt i couldnt express myself to her after all this time.

xxx

[BPDlkeme]

Hi Jinxsta,

Wondering about you, how did things go with your mom, did you contact her?

Anyway, in regards to the question you asked, the question I am asking myself on reading this, is "are you there for her, or is she there for you?" you say you dont want to disappoint her, could that mean that you are seeking her approval?and if so, why? Do you think by decieving the therapist that you are doing yourself or the therapist any favours, because you do, then you are decieving yourself. I think you know what you need to do hun,and if you are dishonest, what will you think of yourself in a week, amonth, or 6 months down the road? Take care hun,wish the best today, hope you do what you know in heart has to be done.

regds,

BPDlkeme

[Lily-Bee]

Something clicked in me when I read the title of your post.

Maybe this is not the case at all! But I wonder.

Youve been struggling lately and I see a little self sabotage there because you quit your meds. Do you think youre so upset or afraid of ending DBT therapy that youre subconsiously in a little bit of selfdestruct mode maybe to show her you need her?? Feel unready to stop?

i know this is not what you asked in your post but thought id mention for you to consider.

Hope your session goes well!

Lilly

[Jinxsta]

That was traumatic to say the least! I was honest with her and she mentioned the self-harm first and said she had heard that i have had an eventfull few weeks, and i said yes i have. She asked how i was feeling about it being our last session and i said i felt scared.

She said she wanted to say how she has found working with me, what she thought about the problem we have encountered and how i can move forward and that she would then like me to do the same.

Basially she said;

I have most of the time enjoyed working with you, your interesting, playful and intelligent, in all my years of working with people with BPD, u have the most potential..

I ask why

Because you understand this stuff (referring to DBT skills) and your very intelligent, u just seem to sometimes struggle applying it, and im not sure why... you seem to build up a tower and then knock it all down, and with all the years i have been working in psychology I should know why, but i dont... if i was really pushed for an answer i would have to say certainly in DBT ur progress has been stunted by ur relationship with becky... u gave everything to her, putting yourself on the sidelines at whatever cost, that took ur eye off the ball, im not saying it beckys fault, u are responsible aswell, u chose to stay in that relationship no matter what she put u through.

You have no belief in yourself and when in crisis u search for someone to look after you and give u an answer... but the answer isnt with the mh team, becky, ur mum, drugs/alcohol its in u, u have to know that u can cope, i know its hard when u have had the life experiences u have had and also struggling with ur ocd, but eachtime u do cope u need to remember that, u cant go through any worse than u have already been through; trauma, violence, sexual abuse.. u need to remember that.

I then explained to her that the thing that was hurting me the most was that i had failed her and that i wanted to walk in and at least say i had had a good month so she could feel she had achieved something.

She said failed is a strong word, and yes its not that we are parting at a time that u are stable but u need to look at what u have achieved rather than what u haven't... so what the dialectic of ive failed and not failed?

I reply well i havent achieved what i would have like to have but ive stuck at it, even when times have got rough, im more self aware, i relate to my thought differently and i at least put some effort in.

We then go on to what i see for myself in the near future, what my plans are and how i feel about her which was basically "no matter how hard i pushed u, u never gave up on me and thats why im so sad".

When it was time to go she says ill always be thinking of u, u wont be erased from my thoughts... u want a hug?...yes ....we hug for about a minute and she says in choked words, I do care alot about you, i reply "i know" dont ever ever give up on yourself.

I walked out and bawled my eyes out... She also wants me to email her all the things im going through at the moment, what i have got from dbt, what could have gone better etc, for her to do a discharge summary.

I feel i didnt say everything i needed too, like thank you at least...so im gonna email her with all that too.

So sad the fact that the only people i have to rely on for support are my CC and the crisis team niether of which seem to understand at all.

So sad.

xxx

[Jinxsta]

Hi Jinxsta,

Wondering about you, how did things go with your mom, did you contact her?

Anyway, in regards to the question you asked, the question I am asking myself on reading this, is "are you there for her, or is she there for you?" you say you dont want to disappoint her, could that mean that you are seeking her approval?and if so, why? Do you think by decieving the therapist that you are doing yourself or the therapist any favours, because you do, then you are decieving yourself. I think you know what you need to do hun,and if you are dishonest, what will you think of yourself in a week, amonth, or 6 months down the road? Take care hun,wish the best today, hope you do what you know in heart has to be done.

regds,

BPDlkeme

Hi hun yeah i did the right thing... and ur right I do want her approval, why? because she was the only person that believed in me and didnt give up.

xxx

[Jinxsta]

Something clicked in me when I read the title of your post.

Maybe this is not the case at all! But I wonder.

Youve been struggling lately and I see a little self sabotage there because you quit your meds. Do you think youre so upset or afraid of ending DBT therapy that youre subconsiously in a little bit of selfdestruct mode maybe to show her you need her?? Feel unready to stop?

i know this is not what you asked in your post but thought id mention for you to consider.

Hope your session goes well!

Lilly

I think 3weeks ago when i od'ed and self harmed it was a bit of that, kinda like saying "look i still need ur help"... but lately i feel most of my recent downfall has been out of my control.

xxx

[walker]

((((jinx))))

still following ur posts

so sorry for not being supportive

but do care

xx

[aurorablues]

Hey Jinx,

Sorry you're upset.

I'm glad you were honest with her.

She said some very positive things about you, and i think you should really concentrate on them, think them over in your head, say them out loud and really believe them.

I think you should be very proud of yourself for sticking with it untill the end regardless of obstacles.

If you find yourself struggling, remember the skills you have learnt and put them into practice.

Try not to see it as an end, try and see it as a new start with new possibilities.

Aurora :)

[Lily-Bee]

Can imagine it must be so sad! I think eventhough sad it sounds in a way like a beautiful thing,she will always think of you,she really cares. You both shared how you feel. You obviously have a connection and worked well together. These things no one can take away from you! You can carry her in your heart and know she wont forget you either.

Lilly

[Roses]

You've done so well and come so far, this is just another new beginning. I think you can cope with it better than you imagine hun xxx

[Jinxsta]

Thank You all...

so sorry for not being supportive

but do care

No need to apologize, ur presence is enough hun.xxx

She said some very positive things about you, and i think you should really concentrate on them, think them over in your head, say them out loud and really believe them.

Yeah she said i need to do that too, learn from the negative but dwell on the positives i suppose.

Can imagine it must be so sad! I think eventhough sad it sounds in a way like a beautiful thing,she will always think of you,she really cares. You both shared how you feel. You obviously have a connection and worked well together. These things no one can take away from you! You can carry her in your heart and know she wont forget you either.

Your words made me cry, but in a good way coz its true...

Yeah ur right it is beautiful, she likes me, not coz she has to, she just does.... def had a connection, just wished i could have pleased her more, but i suppose thats a sign that respected her alot.

You've done so well and come so far, this is just another new beginning. I think you can cope with it better than you imagine hun xxx

I dont feel like ive done well but yes another new beginning, yet one i feel alone in.... thank you for believing in me.

xxxxxx

[Jinxsta]

Just sent her an email and pasted the replies that were there at the time to her answers to the questions and what i feel and stuff coz i didnt quite get it out in session...its pretty long...

Hi Lorraine,

This isn't the feedback email you asked for in regards to the discharge summary, just me wanting to write what felt too hard to say... but on that note can you give me some rough guidelines again of what you want me to write about, because i was obviously emotional and can't quite remember.

Firstly the most important thing to me is that i didn't say was "thank you", that's thank you for having the patience, time and faith in me, from my experiences it seems a lot of people go running at the first sign of trouble and completely lose faith. Its your faith in me that kept me going at it (not quitting), and like i explained i am aware i do push and push and push, until I'm rejected... but clearly you saw through that and just pushed back at me with the fact you were not going to give up, that must have taken a lot of strength.

Next what I think of you; you told me what you think of me so, its only fair I should do the same back, and i want to; You are kind, compassionate and truthful, you have this way about you that makes people feel comfortable and worthy of your time, you never seem like "your just doing your job" you seem to have genuine empathy and care... and I've seen you well up a few times, not scared of your emotions.. and what kind of therapist would you be, teaching people to feel and show there emotions if you did not do so yourself?

You have given me faith back in the human race... I remember the time I had been in QA for an overdose, then i was walking through the grounds of St.James, and you saw me by the beeches and gave me the biggest hug, like you were so glad and relieved i was alive.. I've never felt that from another human before, i was so shocked that another human really felt that about me.... like "oh my god someone actually truly gives a f**k I'm alive???" I had never felt that before.

After our last session i feel extremely sad, not just because of whats mentioned above, but because I trust you, i don't trust many and losing a trusting relationship is hard for anyone.. but I am also going through a rough time anyway, i feel the need to explain myself and you are probably the only person at this time i feel comfortable doing so with... I'll try to cut it short; I saw one of the guys who raped me pop up on facebook, him standing there in his picture looking all happy, bought back the horrible memories and me thinking why should you be so happy? then the whole Becky thing, like i explained, she loves me, she don't love me, then she wants to share (visions of this guy on my side of the bed, in my seat, sexual acts, her cooking him dinner etc)... then there was some unexplained loud bangs, just over a week ago... I'm thinking "terrorist, bombs, were all gonna die" i phone my mum and ask if she knows what it is, quite abruptly she says "oh I'm busy ill call you back in a minute"... i wait and she doesn't after ten minutes, the bangs are still happening and by this time I'm petrified, so i call her i ask why she hasn't called me.. she replies "what do you mean why haven't i called you, what the fuck do you expect me to do, its banging that's it, and i tell you another thing, you wanna keep f**king around, why don't you go and slit your throat and do it properly, because I've had a f**king 'nuff of ya" I was very upset by that then i became angry... "all what i did for her, pulling him off when he was strangling her blue, pulling him off her and taking the beating....etc" so I didn't speak to her for a week then when i did (yesterday)...no apology just "well you shouldn't keep doing things, and yeah i did mean it, don't keep fu**ing about if your gonna do it do it"... Then I've started seeing spirits, a little boy, about seven years old and keeps repeating over and over "don't say sorry"...i was really scared of him at first, ..just got used to it now, then there's major dissociation to deal with plus sleepwalking (unsure if they are related), then the voices... they have always been there ( i call them the lodgers) there in my head so I know they are part of me, but when i get stressed, or sad they get louder and are more prominent...I'm in bed, it should be silent but it sounds like I'm in a room full of people.. then they will ask me questions, sometimes just random things like "do ants die in the rain".. I'm replying shut up i want to sleep! "well i only asked a question don't shout at me, i don't like it" ...OK I'm sorry just pleeeaaase let me sleep..then someone else pops in "I don't want to sleep"....and this goes on for hours. Then the visions of late have been a lot more frequent, and like whole storys i can see in front of my eyes, me going to my mums, she opens the door, i stab her in the heart she falls to the floor looks at me says "sorry"... stabbing the crisis team, setting fire to the flat, battering the rapists....all going through my head 24/7 unless i sleep in which case i dream it, there seems to be no gettin away..so thats why its been a rough time as of late.

Ah also I gave the answers to the questions i asked you on the forum, told them a bit about you and pasted an article about you from www.psychologist.org.uk.. here's the replies so far;

I totally agree with her views! She sounds smart!

so i was kind of right, disorders are ongoing. What she said was very insightful

that sounds about right to me.

i think people can get to the stage where they can manage their symptoms up to the point where they are just as stable as someone from the community who's never had a psychiatric problem. after all everyone, even non-sufferers have the potential to have a breakdown or other problems.

thanks for sharing xxx

I like her answer much better too. Makes me feel less of a monster. I wish there were more articles with this opinion available on the web - most of them are much worse in regards to BPD and relationships/love. You're very lucky to have worked with her!

xoxo

So not only me that thinks your great, now i get soppy if I was born again and could choose my parent, i would choose you.

Again thank you for everything you have done for me, i really appreciate it, and when and if i get to do therapy for OCD or trauma, I would like to do that with you, if i can, as I take about 8 months to completely trust someone a 12week stint is going to be of no benefit to me with a new person.

Lou

xxx