Why Are You Not Worth Waiting For?

[rcouzens1982]

My husband has depression and has told me 'He's not worth waiting for'!

Do all depressed people honestly feel like this is true. Like you are such a burden to other people, that they would be better off without you?

He says he will always love me, but if that is so, how can he push me away so hard. Is it due to the absence of feelings?

I know i ask a lot of questions, I'm just trying to work out if he's left me because he really feels im better off without him or because he just doesn't love me anymore.

xxB

[Jinxsta]

Ive been through depression and my guess is he feels like he is never gonna get any better, and loves u so that he doesnt want to drag u down with him... right now he sees no way out and he doesnt want someone he loves to be in the same place with him. its an act of love i believe.

xxx

[yasontheborder]

everyone is different. i tend to do that. because i feel im worthless and they can do so much better. i scare them with all my flaws. im sorry to hear hes going through alot. hugs x

[rcouzens1982]

Ive been through depression and my guess is he feels like he is never gonna get any better, and loves u so that he doesnt want to drag u down with him... right now he sees no way out and he doesnt want someone he loves to be in the same place with him. its an act of love i believe.

xxx

Hi Jinxsta,

That does make sense to me. He has said on many occasions that he doesn't think he can get better. I know i sound stupid because he has said things like 'you of all people deserve to be happy, and I'm not making you happy'. And maybe i should just believe him. But because it seems like he has no care for me it just never settles with me.

I hope that you are feeling better about things now. I never really believed in depression until recently, but since watching someone i love go through it i feel so compassionate about anyone that has ever suffered with it. It sounds like such a dark place to be xxx

[Narcissa]

my father, when he was at his worst in manic depression. Just upped and left me and mum. Thought that we were better off without him. I guess that feeling of self worthlessness is inherent in depressives

[rcouzens1982]

everyone is different. i tend to do that. because i feel im worthless and they can do so much better. i scare them with all my flaws. im sorry to hear hes going through alot. hugs x

Hi Yas,

That is very much what he says also. I love him so much and just want to stand by him, but he wont let me.

It must be horrible to really feel that about yourself.

The sad thing is that i feel like the things in his head have started to come true. Like not working, having no money and now his marriage breaking down. It just seems like he's almost making these things happen now. but i know that he doesnt man for it to be that way.

xxx

[rcouzens1982]

Another question i have is, When you come out of the depressive episode do you want back the things you had or regret the things you did when you were so low? So for instance he's broken our marriage up, he knows that i dont want that to happen but it still has....May he feel differently when he gets better? xxx

[yasontheborder]

it is really hard to turn the ones you love away. theyre they're the only thing keeping you sane, but you dont want to damage them. i call it a self fufilling prophecy. it starts with something accidentally bad happening, and a rush of thoughts come in and seem to come true. x

[rcouzens1982]

Yas,

I know that he loves me, although it doesnt feel like it at the moment.

I dont hear from him hardly ever, im living away so i dont see him either.

Sorry for all the questions, but it helps so much.

Is it that he just feels so bad that he cant think about anything else including the people he loves? xxx

[yasontheborder]

Another question i have is, When you come out of the depressive episode do you want back the things you had or regret the things you did when you were so low? So for instance he's broken our marriage up, he knows that i dont want that to happen but it still has....May he feel differently when he gets better? xxx

i tend to look back at my actions and regret them deeply. but i dont chase after them because im scared those feelings will come back.

but everyone is different..x

[anonymous178]

it's very difficult loving a depressed person, because they reject your love, and it hurts to be rejected, but not as much as it hurts them to do it. The fact that they don't/won't/can't talk about, they can't tell you how they're feeling, they can't tell you whether they really want you to get out of their lives or whether they're secretly hoping you won't leave, and if they do tell you, you don't know whether it's them talking or the depression. You have to follow your instincts as to whether or not to hang in there, because the chances are you won't get many clues. The best you can hope for (and what I'm getting at the moment) is mixed signals..... if you stay by his side, if you're still there being positive and non judgemental, my thinking is that it will be easier for him to accept you into his life again once he is feeling better (if he get's to that stage???)...... having said that, my relationship has been over for 4 months now and we have had very little contact. Bumped into each other once, exchanged a few emails (he hasn't replied to the last two I sent), but I am very wary of not pressuring him, not hassling him, not pushing myself onto him or trying to interfere - I send an odd email every few weeks to remind him I'm there and have no hard feelings, and try not to build myself up for a reply......

[Jinxsta]

I think with most mental illness, when u recover u deeply regret what u lost whilst u were in the grips of it, personally i have become very frustrated..."why didnt you just pull yourself together!!!" "FFS coz of your stupid head u gone and lost X".

Its like taking a priceless antique back to the shop for a refund because u got the kids staying over for the week and u think its going to get damaged... then when the kids go u think why did i do that, i could of put it in the loft... then u go back to rebuy it.. sometimes its there waiting for you to take back home and cherish.. sometimes u took too long and its gone.

xxx

[anonymous178]

So, Jinxta, your advice would be that if you're emotionally stable enough to handle waiting, then you should?

I think that most depressed people don't expect anyone to wait for them, and maybe part of them doesn't want them to because they don't want to hurt the person more than they already have by pushing them away, but a little part of them might hope that the person is still waiting for them..... would you agree?

This is really very insightful!

[Jinxsta]

So, Jinxta, your advice would be that if you're emotionally stable enough to handle waiting, then you should?

I think that most depressed people don't expect anyone to wait for them, and maybe part of them doesn't want them to because they don't want to hurt the person more than they already have by pushing them away, but a little part of them might hope that the person is still waiting for them..... would you agree?

This is really very insightful!

Yes i agree 100%... but always staying mindfull of yourself and your feelings so u dont get dragged under without realising... being emotionally stable is very important... two unstable people eventually lean on eachother and topple over.

xxx

[rcouzens1982]

This is really helping so much.

The last 5 months have been difficult, and at one point the rejection pretty much destroyed me. But the more I learn about depression the more I understand that my husband is just doing what he feels is best at the moment.

I am strong and I can't give up on him, I love him too much.

I hope that a small part of him does want me to wait for him, as that's what keeps me going xxx

[rcouzens1982]

This is really helping so much.

The last 5 months have been difficult, and at one point the rejection pretty much destroyed me. But the more I learn about depression the more I understand that my husband is just doing what he feels is best at the moment.

I am strong and I can't give up on him, I love him too much.

I hope that a small part of him does want me to wait for him, as that's what keeps me going xxx

[Jinxsta]

This is really helping so much.

The last 5 months have been difficult, and at one point the rejection pretty much destroyed me. But the more I learn about depression the more I understand that my husband is just doing what he feels is best at the moment.

I am strong and I can't give up on him, I love him too much.

I hope that a small part of him does want me to wait for him, as that's what keeps me going xxx

That is so sweet and nice to hear

... i only wish my ex had been as caring, loving and understanding as you.

xxx

[BPDlkeme]

Hi Becca1982,

we spoke before you will remember, click here for previous conversation ,

I know from the last time we spoke you have moved away and this started about 6 months ago, you also said he went to the doctor, as I said, but that he lied (my words, not yours)to the doctor and told him he was well.Why would he do that? That's like going to a dentist and telling him you dont have a toothache. I would also like to know, when and where did he meet the 23 yr old girl with depression and how she fits into the story. Surely, someone who isnt able to be around his wife, would hardly be able to be around others also? if you could fill me in a little more Becca, I might be able to make sense of this.

regds,

BPDlkeme

[rcouzens1982]

Thanks Jinxsta. I'm not perfect though, at times over the last 5 months I have pushed him and not really realised that I wasn't helping him.

My biggest worry is that he won't want me when he is better. So I do have to allow a small part of me to think that might happen.

How did your partner react when this was happening to you??

Xxx

[rcouzens1982]

Hi BPD,

Yes I do remember.

He lied to the doc as he said he was ashamed and he thought he could deal with how he was feeling.

He met this girl where he worked. His reasoning for being able to be around her is that she experienced exactly the same feelings as he is, I think he gets frustrated that no-one understands.

I think it's turned onto co-dependency xx

[BPDlkeme]

Hi Becca,

I suffered from depression as I told you, and therefore I know what depression is. i.e. clinical depression (psychosis), your husband was not suffering from clinical depression when he was working,he wouldnt have been able to work if he had, further to that he certainly would not have wanted to socialise with other people like he obviously did with this girl. check the symptoms here

Now you may be wondering what am I saying exactly? Mine is not to form judgements about other people, I merely concluding from the information you have given that he did not have depression, do you know if he has since been to doctor? Do you know if he has been diagnosed since? Do you know if he is on medication since? How does he know he has depression, anyone with depression will tell you, they themselves are always the last ones to know. I would be eager to know the answer to any of the questions above.But of course, you cant tell me the answers because only he can give you those answers, didnt you promise to leave him alone?

regds,

BPDlkeme

[rcouzens1982]

He was diagnosed with depression about 3 months ago and has been off work since then. He has also been on anti depressants and sleeping tablets since them too, although he has been taken off sleeping tablets now. We only broke up 2 wks ago xx

[anonymous178]

Thank you Jinxta, you may have gathered that I am in a similar position to Becca and it helps me too, to think that though he isn't showing it (to protect me?) deep down part of him is hoping I will wait. Sometimes I wonder whether I am kidding myself, but then when we speak (via email) it really becomes clear how much he is struggling to keep it together and that makes it a lot easier for me to accept that he needs more time. All of my friends think I need to forget about him and move on, it has been 4 months since we split, but something is telling me to hang on in there and I fully intend to listen to it.

Becca, I too worry that by the time he is better he will be so used to being without me that he won't want me back, and that all the good times will be distant memories.... there are no guarantees though, and you need to have both eyes open here... the relationship is over, and while there is a chance you could pick up and start again, there is also a chance that might not happen. For my own sanity, I find it's best not to pin all of your hopes on it, as they will quickly become dashed when you don't hear from him, or if he is cold / harsh / angry / indifferent towards you when you see / speak to him, it can be hard... but you need to remind yourself that it's not him talking, it's the depression.... we hope!!

[BPDlkeme]

Hi Becca,

Forgive me if I misunderstood, you said in a previous post:

"I managed to get him to the doctors about 3 months ago, and we had joint appointments as he was lying about what he was feeling like. This carried on for about 6 wks, but our relationship got worse and worse. For me this was mainly due to a relationship he has

formed with a 23 yr old women that has also suffered from depression."

When you said he was lying...this carried on for about 6 wks, I didnt know you meant prior to 3months ago. Might have been helpful to say he had been diagnosed after that. However, the conclusion is still correct, he wouldnt have been able to carry on work (as evidenced by his doctor putting him out of work)if he had depression, because he wouldnt have been able to function never mind socialise, and as understanding as the other 23 yr old lady was, with psychosis, forget about it. When I had depression, my friend didnt bother explaining stuff to me, because I was in another world. Depression in my experience, in the majority of cases, is caused by lifestyle, or in the case of "reactive depression" in reaction to some traumatic event, which can come on suddenly as opposed to endogenous depression, which is more genetically-prone. Nonetheless, my advice still stands. The road to recovery is tablets for no more than 6 months (max) except in extreme circumstances, and then only on the advise of the consultant. Now , if as you say he lied to the doctor despite this womans understanding of the situation, then she wasnt helping him, so I wonder about her. My friend pushed me to go to the doctor. I said to you previously he must get active, whats the story there?, you never got back to me on that. I know you've moved away but surely you must be able to find out somehow. If he is on the meds, then he is stable enough to talk to you and tell you this, so I see no problem in ringing him. Thats what friends do, and you are not only his friend but his wife. So, no excuses.There's an old phrase, when the goin gets tough, the tough get goin. You need to go in and open the curtains, get him up, and get him active, its for his own good. He's stable enough now, he should be (change that, he is..) able to do this, although he may not want to., remember I said, you have to be cruel to be kind. Now, I want to see this through, so I want an update when you've done that. I'm not goin anywhere (unfortunately!lol)so there's no reason not to contact me, we're goin to see this through. You have to trust me, as I said before, you've no reason to trust a stranger, but then if I was lying then everybody here will know it, and I would have to suffer everyone elses disdain on this forum, if I advised you wrongly, and I dont want that, just as you dont want your husband suffering eternally from depression, so we have to trust each other. So, if you are in doubt, ask me anything you like. But the most important question you have to ask, is do you want your husband back to normal. Then you will be able to answer the other questions.So, get back to me when you've done that!

I wish u love, I wish u heaven,he needs your strength and you need to be strong!

regds,

BPDlkeme

[anonymous178]

BPDlkeme, you seem to know what you're talking about, and you also seem to like giving advice... what would you say Becca should do, if her OH had not been to the doctors and was not taking meds, rather was under the impression he could pull himself out of it (as he had done many times in the past) but she had been watching him struggle and had seen him getting worse and worse and on speaking to him it was evident he was in a great deal of pain, but was pushing everyone and everything away??