BPDlkeme Posted August 28, 2010 Report Share Posted August 28, 2010 BPDlkeme, you seem to know what you're talking about, and you also seem to like giving advice... what would you say Becca should do, if her OH had not been to the doctors and was not taking meds, rather was under the impression he could pull himself out of it (as he had done many times in the past) but she had been watching him struggle and had seen him getting worse and worse and on speaking to him it was evident he was in a great deal of pain, but was pushing everyone and everything away? Firstly, anonymous178, re: giving advice...I dont give advice unless I know what I'm talkin about, and I will admit that, however, having through depression myself, I think I know a thing or two about it! just as anybody who has been through it knows what its like, that's the first thing. have you been through depression, do you know what its like? I resnt you saying I like giving advice!If people dont want me to comment then just say it!I'm fine with that!excuse me, but I did think it was an "open" forum, do I now need qualifications to give advice? If so, then that should have been specifically said to me when I signed up! as for the fact he had pulled himself out of it many times in the past.. I dont remember becca saying this, but perhaps you can show me where she did. What I would say in that case might be totally different, but however, as I have said, I can only conclude from the information that Becca has given me. So, I would ask you where is the proof for him coming out of this many times in the past in what becca has said? regds, BPDlkeme Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anonymous178 Posted August 28, 2010 Report Share Posted August 28, 2010 BPDlkeme - I think you have got the wrong end of the stick here, I certainly wasn't getting at you, and certainly didn't intend any offence... I meant it when I said that you seemed to know what you were talking about, in that I've read your advice on this and other boards and have agreed with a lot of what you said, you seem to talk a lot of sense. As for you liking to give advice, I really don't see why you would take that as a bad thing? I just meant that you are an active user of this forum and have helped a lot of people. Again, apologies if you took offence at that, it wasn't intended to be derogatory in any way! I haven't been through depression myself, but I have fairly recently come out of a long term relationship with a depressed man, which is what I was pertaining to in my question to you. I wasn't intending to challenge you, or question you, or imply that somehow you weren't qualified to answer questions on this board - on the contrary... I asked the question to you specifically because I think from reading some of your other posts that I would value your answer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rcouzens1982 Posted August 28, 2010 Author Report Share Posted August 28, 2010 Hi BPD, Ok, so he is trying to stay active, doing some sports like football and forcing himself to spend time with people. The problem is, spending time with me seems very painfull for him. He seems to have so much guilt with what he has put me through, that seeing me upset causes him alot of anxiety. I can't help that I am sad and missing the man I loved. Moving away is best for both of us. He still wants to remain friends and maybe see each other now and again. But at the moment we are not together. I worry so much that I may have done something in our relationship to cause this. What I don't understand is that if he loves me and thinks I deserve to be happy, and I'm saying I want to be with him and we can work through this together, why won't he?? I know you don't know him, but you may be able to shed some light xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BPDlkeme Posted August 28, 2010 Report Share Posted August 28, 2010 Hi Becca1982, Its true what my friend says, men are like sacks of patotoes, when you turn the sack over everything comes out, women are like bags of flour, everytime you hit the bag of flour something new comes out!lol Anywhoo...you say 'so he is trying to stay active, doing some sports like football and forcing himself to spend time with people', this is not possible for somebody in severe clinical depression, so the signs are he is getting better. The more he forces himself towards activity the quicker he will recover. I am curious though, how do you know this if you have no contact with him? (need another little bit of flour!lol). As for your question, I am afraid I cannot (and would not) give you a definitive answer. I cannot tell you what his feelings are towards you so it would be wrong to advise either way here. However,it is just my personal opinion (which can be wrong sometimes), but if he is happy to see you now and again, then go with that for the time being.Love is patience, love is understanding, and I know you love him, so I know you will be patient and understanding, and he will appreciate that. regds, BPDlkeme Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jinxsta Posted August 28, 2010 Report Share Posted August 28, 2010 Thanks Jinxsta. I'm not perfect though, at times over the last 5 months I have pushed him and not really realised that I wasn't helping him. My biggest worry is that he won't want me when he is better. So I do have to allow a small part of me to think that might happen. How did your partner react when this was happening to you?? Xxx Well pushing sometimes needs to be done, whether the person likes it or not. My partner basically said she couldnt handle me being ill and that I was making her ill.. i must say the illness shes talking of was not exclusively depression towards the end... she also has BPD and an alcohol problems. She said SHE needed to get better (stop drinking) and could not do that alongside me, she said if in 6months time, I am "better" then she would get back with me because with the illness aside I am her perfect partner.. but if u have seen my posts u will know, she hasnt waited for me or herself to get better and has practically shacked up with someone else. I was willing to wait for her and wanted her to wait for me... but unfortunetley this is not the case. xxx Thank you Jinxta, you may have gathered that I am in a similar position to Becca and it helps me too, to think that though he isn't showing it (to protect me?) deep down part of him is hoping I will wait. Sometimes I wonder whether I am kidding myself, but then when we speak (via email) it really becomes clear how much he is struggling to keep it together and that makes it a lot easier for me to accept that he needs more time. All of my friends think I need to forget about him and move on, it has been 4 months since we split, but something is telling me to hang on in there and I fully intend to listen to it. Waiting for him shows true love and alot of strength. BUT u need to see that he is trying to help himself and that he truely wants to change and get better all the time he doesnt do alot about it ... ur waiting for him (and him knowing that) is giving him no reason to get better. I feel u need to set some ground rules with him around his recovery and u waiting for him, not just for him but for u. xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anonymous178 Posted August 28, 2010 Report Share Posted August 28, 2010 Thank you Jinxta, you may have gathered that I am in a similar position to Becca and it helps me too, to think that though he isn't showing it (to protect me?) deep down part of him is hoping I will wait. Sometimes I wonder whether I am kidding myself, but then when we speak (via email) it really becomes clear how much he is struggling to keep it together and that makes it a lot easier for me to accept that he needs more time. All of my friends think I need to forget about him and move on, it has been 4 months since we split, but something is telling me to hang on in there and I fully intend to listen to it. Waiting for him shows true love and alot of strength. BUT u need to see that he is trying to help himself and that he truely wants to change and get better all the time he doesnt do alot about it ... ur waiting for him (and him knowing that) is giving him no reason to get better. I feel u need to set some ground rules with him around his recovery and u waiting for him, not just for him but for u. xxx What you said is very interesting... what would you suggest I do in this situation.... I always thought that him knowing I was waiting was a positive thing, I didn't actually think that it isn't giving him a reason to get better... I don't want him to think I have abandoned him, but I do want to do what's best for him. If I disappear from the radar altogether, won't he think I have just moved on? You said in an earlier post that you regret what you've lost when you're in it's grips, but you don't often go back for it because of how it makes you feel. I really appreciate your honesty & insight here!! :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jinxsta Posted August 28, 2010 Report Share Posted August 28, 2010 Thank you Jinxta, you may have gathered that I am in a similar position to Becca and it helps me too, to think that though he isn't showing it (to protect me?) deep down part of him is hoping I will wait. Sometimes I wonder whether I am kidding myself, but then when we speak (via email) it really becomes clear how much he is struggling to keep it together and that makes it a lot easier for me to accept that he needs more time. All of my friends think I need to forget about him and move on, it has been 4 months since we split, but something is telling me to hang on in there and I fully intend to listen to it. Waiting for him shows true love and alot of strength. BUT u need to see that he is trying to help himself and that he truely wants to change and get better all the time he doesnt do alot about it ... ur waiting for him (and him knowing that) is giving him no reason to get better. I feel u need to set some ground rules with him around his recovery and u waiting for him, not just for him but for u. xxx What you said is very interesting... what would you suggest I do in this situation.... I always thought that him knowing I was waiting was a positive thing, I didn't actually think that it isn't giving him a reason to get better... I don't want him to think I have abandoned him, but I do want to do what's best for him. If I disappear from the radar altogether, won't he think I have just moved on? You said in an earlier post that you regret what you've lost when you're in it's grips, but you don't often go back for it because of how it makes you feel. I really appreciate your honesty & insight here!! No worries... Just set rules with him... "Im willing to wait for you and i want to wait for you, but i need to see u take positive steps towards recovering eg; taking medication and any other help thats offered, getting out and about etc" It is great for him to know you are there and waiting but its counterproductive if he feels he will lose nothing by not helping himself. xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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