BPDlkeme Posted August 28, 2010 Report Share Posted August 28, 2010 Right guys, its time for a proper introduction (i.e.taking off the mask). You guys have been so genuine on here, I feel I can trust you, and lets face it, if I cant do it here, with others that have BPD then where? Love me, hate me, I dont care, but here's my story (I'll try to make it as brief as I can). My mother was a Irish traveller, I wont go into her history lest to say, she was from the countryside and moved to dublin, when her father died, and the family sought out a better life in the 1960s. In Dublin, she met my father (a traveller also) in an eating house(for homeless people) run by a religious congregation in Dublin. She was only 14 at the time, he was 20 yrs her senior. According the story, it was love at first site, but who knows? Anyway to make a long story short, my sister was born 9 months later, when she was still 14, and I was born when she was just 15 yrs old. Now, being an illiterate, uneducated young traveller girl, the relationship lasted only 3 yrs, and both my sister and myself were taken into care by the state. I myself was taken into care at just 6 wks old, after my mother was arrested and charged with being drunk in the middle of the street (stopping traffic). And so it is that I never knew my natural parents and grew up in care. For the first 5 yrs I stayed in an orphanage, and it was bliss, I only have fond memories of the place and the woman (Sarah Jane) that minded me like a mother. At 5 yrs of age I was transferred with my sister to another home. It is my belief that this is what caused my BPD, it was certainly traumatic for a child to be torn away from the only person who had minded him since he was a child, and the records from that time state it was more traumatic for me than my sister who is a year older, although she had her fair share of difficulty as well(she also has BPD). After only two years there, we were then fostered by a family and moved again. By then we didnt form any attachments. It turns out that it was our foster father who wanted to foster us, and wanting to please him, our foster mother agreed. However, after 2 years of heaven with him, he died, and everything changed. Basically it got so bad, that my foster mother said to me one day, 'you're going to obey me if I have to beat you to do it', I was 13, and I dont how but something arose within me(I call it my spirit) others may call it something else, but I grabbed her arm in mid-flight as she was about to beat me again, and I gave her look as if to say, 'No, your not gonna beat me ever again', and from that day forward she never beat me again. When the HSE (the equivalent of your NHS) stopped paying a foster allowance for my sister she was kicked out of the foster home, and the same happened to me. There was no leaving-care counselling, basically we were on our own. Now my sister is not the brightest, but she is still my sister and I have tried as much as I can to help her.I spent some years after I left my foster home, hating my foster mother. she never said 'well done', orgave any encouragement. I know other people have suffered an awful lot more, and this is not much suffering, but to us it was all we knew, and this caused a problem when we went out into the world, because we felt we werent as good as other people and didnt deserve to have what other people have. I'm making this really short, so basically, to add to my problems, despite having a few encounters with girls, I found that I was more attracted to guys, and therefore that I was gay, which added a whole new reason not to be accepted by others. I managed however to get a job and rent a place for 3 years starting as a Store manager and eventually promoted to Assistant manager in a supermarket. Actually, I did an exam in maths to get the job, and after getting the job I went to the owner and asked, out of curiosity, how did I do in the maths exam, and she said to me, I've been meaning to talk to you about that, nobody could correct it, I wonder if you would in future correct the exam for other applicants, which came as a shock (you needed to be numerate to work as store manager calculating stock levels etc), but it was an external recruitment company which had given them the exam, so they didnt have the answers. Anywhoo.. I moved to the big city (Dublin) for a number of reasons, but basically I studied electronics, and began working in that field. I get excellent work reviews, but couldnt work with people, that was my problem, and so I left. Shortly after, with no job, and no support from family, as I didnt have any,and no friends, I became homeless, and lived in a homeless hostel. During that time, three things happened, I met got depression, I started Shing, and I met my best friend, who Im still friends with today, that was in the year 1999, so we are friends 11 years. Depression was difficult, but my friend (a closet transvestite who is also gay) helped me get over it. In 2001, I was diagnosed HIV+ due to promiscuity. Actually, when I recieved the diagnosis, I cried, not because of myself, but as I said to the doctor (which she recorded in her notes)'I cant live with knowing that I hurt someone else'. She was good enuff, she said 'I'm not here for them, I'm here for you'. Anywhoo.. with my best friends help I signed up to do a matures students access programme for university, and I qualified from that with 87% incl, a distinction in maths, and was accepted into a Science degree with the university on the basis of that. However, BPD was to show again, and I found I had diffiuclty in attendance. I have never had a regular sleep pattern, from when I was transferred from the orphanage, and I still dont have a regular sleep pattern which is my biggest worry about holding down a 9-5 job.At the HIV clinic I was ent to a psychoatric social worker, and he write to my HIV social worker that I had BPD. I only discovered it by accident, as the HIV social worker never told me, and it was only while he was on holidays for 2 wks, that a part-time social worker looking up the file said 'I see you have BPD'. I was in shock when I heard this, and initially reacted badly to it, and they tried to calm the storm, by saying thats what they say when they cant explain things. Anywhoo..this is getting rather long so, I'll get to the end quickly, Today I am fine, I still have HIV, I dont hate my foster mother anymore, while I wa on the Access programme, I heard she died, and the hate went, nothing more to hate, however, I refused to attend her funeral to send a message to those that knew her. I went to lawyers to see about negligence, but they said they cant put a direct link between cause and effect (i.e. they cant relate a specific event to my BPD, so no blame. However, weirdly enough, it was a lwayer that told me, that there was a fund for further education for those who had been in care, and so in 2009 I applied for that and recieved a grant to study with the Open University which I chose coz it suits me (I said I hate the 9-5, so working from home, I can study in my own time). I just recieved my results from the first year and got 99% in computing and 88% in Maths. I dont know what I will do in the future, I was studying for a combined degree in computing and maths but they have removed that option(Course B14) so, now I'll have to chose between maths or computers and I just dont know what to do. Anywhoo. thats my story, sorry its been so long, its not complete, but it gives the essence, and most of all the truth, which you guys have been, so now I feel more honest. regds, BPDlkeme Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Warrior Princess Posted August 28, 2010 Report Share Posted August 28, 2010 Hey thanks for sharing that. It couldn't have been easy going over all those painful times again. You seem very smart and have a lot going for you. WP Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lily-Bee Posted August 28, 2010 Report Share Posted August 28, 2010 Just today I thought he is so nice to others but what about him,I wonder what his story is? Im glad you shared. You say youve been through less then others here but to me you cant put a number on pain. It sounds like you never had a real loving parent(except until you where 5) and that pains me to hear. Where you worried we would somehow judge you? I never judge and also do not see anything here to judge. I hope you feel accepted here and that the undoubetly positive responces youll get to this post will help in that. I want for you to be able to get support when you want/need it. Not just feel you have to be there for others. Lilly Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dani Posted August 28, 2010 Report Share Posted August 28, 2010 i read it all wow you have been through some tough times. it is a really honest post... thanks for sharing x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aurorablues Posted August 28, 2010 Report Share Posted August 28, 2010 Hey BPDlkeme, I'm so sorry you have had so many struggles through life. Despite these though, you seem to be a very strong person who has tried to make the best out of these painful situations. Well done for all your achievements. I'm glad you feel comfortable enough here to of shared this with us. Aurora :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BPDlkeme Posted August 28, 2010 Author Report Share Posted August 28, 2010 Thanks Lilly, thanks WP, I dint want 2 b honest with everyone, I mean, the guys on here(you knopw what I mean guys and girls) have been so honest with me!And I mean really honest! I mean Jinxsta, FeelingIt, WP, CM, troubled soul,foreverborderline, and you Lilly, and others, I could go on with the names, but thats just what comes to mind (Sorry Joshua, dont really know you)...I've siad on here, if you want afriend, then you have to be a friend, but how can you do that without being honest? Listen, I hope I didnt bore the crap out of ya,I just wanted to be honest, so if people want to talk to me then, they know who I am! best wishes, BPDlkeme Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pepsimeg Posted August 28, 2010 Report Share Posted August 28, 2010 Hi Lovey to hear from you......you have been thru so much.... thanks for sharing, it takes alot of courage emo xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BPDlkeme Posted August 28, 2010 Author Report Share Posted August 28, 2010 BPDlkeme, you seem to know what you're talking about, and you also seem to like giving advice... what would you say Becca should do, if her OH had not been to the doctors and was not taking meds, rather was under the impression he could pull himself out of it (as he had done many times in the past) but she had been watching him struggle and had seen him getting worse and worse and on speaking to him it was evident he was in a great deal of pain, but was pushing everyone and everything away?? Thanks EMOGIRL, I just to wanted to be honest with people here,coz they have been so honest with me! and I felt like I would be a hypocrite if i didnt say it, not that anything I've said is false, just that it puts other people at a disadvantage, dont ya think? and also, now that they know more about me, its easier to talk! regds, BPDlkeme :P Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Warrior Princess Posted August 28, 2010 Report Share Posted August 28, 2010 I'm just glad I know more about you because i wanted to know you better. Nothing to do with you being a hipocrite or at a disadvantage. Just nice knowing the man behind the screen name. Thanks for sharing. WP Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carlylight1 Posted August 28, 2010 Report Share Posted August 28, 2010 hi bpdlkme. thank you for sharing, i'm really glad u felt comfortable enough to. your post made me really emotional partly because of your sad upbringing and what u've been through but more so because of the strength and resilience of your spirit:) . feel free to look up any of my older posts if u want to get more of n idea of me. take care and big (((hugs))) xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jay111 Posted August 28, 2010 Report Share Posted August 28, 2010 Wow, you went through hell Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BPDlkeme Posted August 28, 2010 Author Report Share Posted August 28, 2010 jay111, it's funny, but I dont consider it like that! It wasnt easy, but i've heard a lot worse, and thats not to minimize it in anyway, just recognising there was worse things! but thanks. regds, BPDlkeme Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jinxsta Posted August 28, 2010 Report Share Posted August 28, 2010 Thank u for sharing, must have been hard. Although ur story is very sad it is equally inspirational, u have pushed forward and made some great achievements. xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BPDlkeme Posted August 28, 2010 Author Report Share Posted August 28, 2010 Thanks Jinxsta, since I came onto the forum, you have been great to me, thanks, it made it easier for me to talk here coz u were so urself! thanks, BPDlkeme Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Data Posted August 28, 2010 Report Share Posted August 28, 2010 I am going to copy this story into Word and have a read of it on my computer, before replying. Please nobody take this the wrong way, but I find posts that are just one large block of text like this (i.e. not broken up into paragraphs) quite intimidating and hard to read. But I am interested to read what BPDlkeme has to say so I will read it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catsmother21 Posted August 28, 2010 Report Share Posted August 28, 2010 Hi I'm honoured that you have trusted us with this. You have been through so much. I'm always here for you xxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Data Posted August 28, 2010 Report Share Posted August 28, 2010 Wow, BPDlkeme, you have been through an awful lot. You say its "not much suffering", but I think your story shows quite a lot of suffering. As a child, your needs were not met, and as a result you are suffering the effects of this into adulthood. There are a lot of positives in your story. Its great that you have been a support to your sister. Its good that you have managed to get over the hatred you once felt towards your neglectful foster mother. You have shown that you can be very successful in a job, it perhaps just takes the right environment for you and the right support. And you have shown that you can do academic study as well. Open University takes a lot of dedication - I know, I have a degree from them. Incidentally, as far as I know the OU have not withdrawn the B14 degree. Its still on their website. Thanks for sharing this moving story. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jinxsta Posted August 28, 2010 Report Share Posted August 28, 2010 Thanks Jinxsta, since I came onto the forum, you have been great to me, thanks, it made it easier for me to talk here coz u were so urself! thanks, BPDlkeme NO need to thank me, just glad u found us and its great having u around, ur more than welcome. xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jinxsta Posted August 28, 2010 Report Share Posted August 28, 2010 I am going to copy this story into Word and have a read of it on my computer, before replying. Please nobody take this the wrong way, but I find posts that are just one large block of text like this (i.e. not broken up into paragraphs) quite intimidating and hard to read. But I am interested to read what BPDlkeme has to say so I will read it. thought that was just me. xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BPDlkeme Posted August 28, 2010 Author Report Share Posted August 28, 2010 Thanks WP,Lilly, Dani,_Aurora_,EMOGIRL, Jay111,Jinxsta,Data and CM, you guys are the best! regds, BPDlkeme Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Johnie_Diablo Posted August 28, 2010 Report Share Posted August 28, 2010 Hi BPDlkeme, that was a bold thing to do, mate, to open up like that. You moved me, for sure. You've sure had a tough start. I admire you for what you're doing with education to move on in your life. Steve. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jillv Posted August 28, 2010 Report Share Posted August 28, 2010 Thankyou for sharing your story with us. It makes the user name into a real person. I can almost hear you talking in the soft Dublin accent that I love so much. I'm sorry that your life has not been easy, but you have achieved a lot, and I feel you will achieve a lot more. You should be very proud of yourself Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jaysee333 Posted August 29, 2010 Report Share Posted August 29, 2010 Hi BPDIkeme, Hope you are ok, Im glad you feel you can trust people on here its not easy telling your story. Things havent been easy for you. Im glad your good inner spirit arose in you to confront the bad times, it shows you know the difference between right n wrong, good for you. Its not fair that people like us are made to feel not as good as other people or deserve to have happiness because we all do! I want to say a big congratulations for your job/studies having been through this, your so intelligent, truthful and honest and understanding towards others. Kind Regards, take care JC Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
piuma Posted August 30, 2010 Report Share Posted August 30, 2010 Thanks for sharing. you are really brave and thanks for trusting us...i hope you find what you are looking for from this place xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
icu_baby Posted August 30, 2010 Report Share Posted August 30, 2010 Thanks Lilly, thanks WP, I dint want 2 b honest with everyone, I mean, the guys on here(you knopw what I mean guys and girls) have been so honest with me!And I mean really honest! I mean Jinxsta, FeelingIt, WP, CM, troubled soul,foreverborderline, and you Lilly, and others, I could go on with the names, but thats just what comes to mind (Sorry Joshua, dont really know you)...I've siad on here, if you want afriend, then you have to be a friend, but how can you do that without being honest? Listen, I hope I didnt bore the crap out of ya,I just wanted to be honest, so if people want to talk to me then, they know who I am! best wishes, BPDlkeme Your story and hardship and the way you overcame that hardship is truly inspiring. You have been through so much and have been able to overcame homelessness, mental illness and a really awful physical illness and you did that with a sense of humour too. I draw strength from your strength. P.S - I would choose the computing degree heads on as it is a practical degree to get. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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