flygirl38 Posted September 1, 2010 Report Share Posted September 1, 2010 Hi everyone I just stumbled across this website and joined up right away. Just before that and even now I was crying alone in front of the computer wondering if my life serves any purpose. I am so tired of feeling so much pain, hurt and sadness. I suffer from anxiety which leads to depression and the depression is really bad. I take 20mg of cipralex and I am on 450mg of wellbutrin prescribed by my new psychiatrist which isnt helping at all. I am also starting cognitive behavior therapy. I have four wonderful kids and am in a relationship with a great guy that I want to be with for a very long time. The problem is I am in such a dark place or I am numb that I am hurting him. He understands and says he is patient but he cannot go through a relationship with me constantly lashing out and I always assume that everyone hates me and that I am of course worthless. I am clean freak because I am so broken inside that I like to keep the outside looking good. I hope to meet some good friends and have already and I just joined here. Ty I am really looking forward to being able to talk with you all about similar issues and basically being there for someone else who is in a dark place and needs some help. I have been there so many times and if someone could come and take my pain away that would be great. I know its not like that of course. Anyways Hi to everyone!! Thanks for reading this.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catsmother21 Posted September 1, 2010 Report Share Posted September 1, 2010 Hi again and welcome :welcomeani: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jaysee333 Posted September 1, 2010 Report Share Posted September 1, 2010 Hi Helpless38, Welcome to the site, sorry your in that dark at the moment, i will look forward to talking, im on 20mg of cipralex too and others, i know where your coming from, just remember that all the darkness in the world cannot put out the light of one small candle, Take Care, Kind Regards JC :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AmyP Posted September 1, 2010 Report Share Posted September 1, 2010 Welcome. hope you find what you need here Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aurorablues Posted September 1, 2010 Report Share Posted September 1, 2010 Hi Helpless38 and Sorry you've been having such a bad time. Have a good browse around and get yourself familiar with the site and post when you feel ready. Aurora :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Data Posted September 1, 2010 Report Share Posted September 1, 2010 Hello. It sounds like you are in a very dark place at the moment. You are very brave for sharing your story and I would like to welcome you to the forum. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brokenbutterfly Posted September 1, 2010 Report Share Posted September 1, 2010 welcome Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flygirl38 Posted September 2, 2010 Author Report Share Posted September 2, 2010 Hi thanks for the kind welcome everyone ! I look forward to getting to know everyone !! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saharah Blue Posted September 2, 2010 Report Share Posted September 2, 2010 Welcome Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BPDlkeme Posted September 2, 2010 Report Share Posted September 2, 2010 Hi everyone I just stumbled across this website and joined up right away. Just before that and even now I was crying alone in front of the computer wondering if my life serves any purpose. I am so tired of feeling so much pain, hurt and sadness. I suffer from anxiety which leads to depression and the depression is really bad. I take 20mg of cipralex and I am on 450mg of wellbutrin prescribed by my new psychiatrist which isnt helping at all. I am also starting cognitive behavior therapy. I have four wonderful kids and am in a relationship with a great guy that I want to be with for a very long time. The problem is I am in such a dark place or I am numb that I am hurting him. He understands and says he is patient but he cannot go through a relationship with me constantly lashing out and I always assume that everyone hates me and that I am of course worthless. I am clean freak because I am so broken inside that I like to keep the outside looking good. I hope to meet some good friends and have already and I just joined here. Ty I am really looking forward to being able to talk with you all about similar issues and basically being there for someone else who is in a dark place and needs some help. I have been there so many times and if someone could come and take my pain away that would be great. I know its not like that of course. Anyways Hi to everyone!! Thanks for reading this.... Hi Helpless38, First things first, a big to the forum. One of the first things you need to do straight away is lighten up on yourself a bit, when a person has a sore leg and are in pain, then they have the right to be a bit selfish and moody, have you ever seen anyone who is not? Equally, with depression a person is in pain, and they are not going to act the way they normally would .You use the word "worthless", and no human being is worthless although I understand how you might "feel" worthless.Like I said, you may be judging yourself a little too harshly there. For one, you are taking positive steps in your recovery, including going to psych, taking your meds, and getting counselling, and to top that off you had the insight and self-awareness to realise you are not well and do something about it(ironic that you used the username helpless38, dont you think?, to me you are the complete opposite of helpless). If you find the meds are not working, then you may have to speak to the psych again, but I do know from having had depression and being on meds, it takes some time for anti-depressants to start working because they need to build up in the body to have the desired effect, so depending how long you are on them, you might have to wait a while for them to really start having an effect. In the meantime, try not to beat yourself up, and be less critical, you are taking positive steps in your own recovery, and far from criticising yourself and feeling worthless you should be pleased with yourself for taking a proactive approach to seeking help and managing your mental health. Having been there myself, I understand how difficult it can be, and can tell you dont worry about losing the cool sometimes with your partner or kids, they will understand you are not yourself, and interestingly enough studies have shown that kids who grow up with someone who has suffered from depression or mental health issues actually become very resourceful and resiliant (perhaps because they have to be that little bit more independent) so in fact, it may actually be helping them to be more independent. So may I join with the rest of the members here in congratulting you on your efforts so far, and I hope that we will be hearing from you soon, best wishes, BPDlkeme Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Warrior Princess Posted September 2, 2010 Report Share Posted September 2, 2010 Hi everyone I just stumbled across this website and joined up right away. Just before that and even now I was crying alone in front of the computer wondering if my life serves any purpose. I am so tired of feeling so much pain, hurt and sadness. I suffer from anxiety which leads to depression and the depression is really bad. I take 20mg of cipralex and I am on 450mg of wellbutrin prescribed by my new psychiatrist which isnt helping at all. I am also starting cognitive behavior therapy. I have four wonderful kids and am in a relationship with a great guy that I want to be with for a very long time. The problem is I am in such a dark place or I am numb that I am hurting him. He understands and says he is patient but he cannot go through a relationship with me constantly lashing out and I always assume that everyone hates me and that I am of course worthless. I am clean freak because I am so broken inside that I like to keep the outside looking good. I hope to meet some good friends and have already and I just joined here. Ty I am really looking forward to being able to talk with you all about similar issues and basically being there for someone else who is in a dark place and needs some help. I have been there so many times and if someone could come and take my pain away that would be great. I know its not like that of course. Anyways Hi to everyone!! Thanks for reading this.... Hi Hopeless, I believe I've replied to another of yoru posts but I'll welcome you again A lot of what you are describing rings home for me too. That feeling of worthlessness that tends to haunt us, and thinking that your life has and does not serve any purpose. sometimes those thoughts are so loud you can't see past them at all, but from your post I see that you have already served a great purpose in this world. You have given birth to four wonderful children. That is worth the life you have lived. Also remember you are unique, there is no one else at all like you. No one shares your fingerprint or carbon footprint! So no one at all can ever take your place or serve your role in this world. That means your life must have purpose! With the lashing out at your spouse... yeah that happens. the CBT will give you new skills to help with that. Countering the depression will also help relieve this and maybe if you feel like lashing out at him, you can come here instead. We have a place for release letters that you never show the person your angry with and another board just to vent and yell and scream and rant! Often that is enough to burn off that negative energy and save your partner a little. With the statement "Everyone hates me" I can't count the number of times I said that as a kid and young adult. I don't say it now. I know it's what is called a sweeping statement. In other words, it's an all inclusive statement that can never be proven. I can't possibily scan the entire human race to find out if they ALL hate me. So maybe change the statement a little "some people hate me but there are others who don't" When you look at it in that light, it really softens the effect don't you think? Take care WP Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amy smith Posted September 2, 2010 Report Share Posted September 2, 2010 Hi everyone I just stumbled across this website and joined up right away. Just before that and even now I was crying alone in front of the computer wondering if my life serves any purpose. I am so tired of feeling so much pain, hurt and sadness. I suffer from anxiety which leads to depression and the depression is really bad. I take 20mg of cipralex and I am on 450mg of wellbutrin prescribed by my new psychiatrist which isnt helping at all. I am also starting cognitive behavior therapy. I have four wonderful kids and am in a relationship with a great guy that I want to be with for a very long time. The problem is I am in such a dark place or I am numb that I am hurting him. He understands and says he is patient but he cannot go through a relationship with me constantly lashing out and I always assume that everyone hates me and that I am of course worthless. I am clean freak because I am so broken inside that I like to keep the outside looking good. I hope to meet some good friends and have already and I just joined here. Ty I am really looking forward to being able to talk with you all about similar issues and basically being there for someone else who is in a dark place and needs some help. I have been there so many times and if someone could come and take my pain away that would be great. I know its not like that of course. Anyways Hi to everyone!! Thanks for reading this.... Hello, my name is Amy and I have recently just discovered that I have been suffering from an anxiety disorder which slowly turned into deppresion which I have had for years but being so young did not realise untill I was sent to a phyciatrist and many doctors who diognosed me. I like you am on 20mg Citroplam and have frequent visits to doctors, councilors and are having therapy and I like you really do not know what to do and feel like i am losing everyone around me through my constant worrying and mood swings. I hope that maybe we can help eachother out as I have been searching on forums to find people to talk to because I can't talk to my friends and loved ones about it as they get angry and I am now scared of loosing them. I also have a boyfriend I have been with 13 months now and like your husband he is saying he can not go on with the constant moods and trusting issues. It feels like everything is a cage around me and I really just need help and someone to talk to you, like you so I really hope we can maybe help eachother to find out why this is happening to us and make eachother feel a bit better maybe. I hope to hear from you soon, Amy xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lorro55 Posted September 2, 2010 Report Share Posted September 2, 2010 Hi everyone, seems like most I have stumbled across this site, not had chance to look at much yet. I am on here looking for help and advice regarding a loved one suffering from depression, I have been looking at a lot of advice pages but nothing helped, so heres hoping. I really want to learn more about what my girlfriend is going through, obviously she has difficulty in opening up to me just now, I have known her for 12 months,however,long story behind that 12 months. I look forward to chatting and getting to know you all, for now... Regards to all Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abee.abee1991 Posted September 2, 2010 Report Share Posted September 2, 2010 Hello and welcome Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flygirl38 Posted September 3, 2010 Author Report Share Posted September 3, 2010 Welcome Thanks Saharah BLue!! :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flygirl38 Posted September 3, 2010 Author Report Share Posted September 3, 2010 Hello and welcome Thanks!! :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flygirl38 Posted September 3, 2010 Author Report Share Posted September 3, 2010 Hi everyone I just stumbled across this website and joined up right away. Just before that and even now I was crying alone in front of the computer wondering if my life serves any purpose. I am so tired of feeling so much pain, hurt and sadness. I suffer from anxiety which leads to depression and the depression is really bad. I take 20mg of cipralex and I am on 450mg of wellbutrin prescribed by my new psychiatrist which isnt helping at all. I am also starting cognitive behavior therapy. I have four wonderful kids and am in a relationship with a great guy that I want to be with for a very long time. The problem is I am in such a dark place or I am numb that I am hurting him. He understands and says he is patient but he cannot go through a relationship with me constantly lashing out and I always assume that everyone hates me and that I am of course worthless. I am clean freak because I am so broken inside that I like to keep the outside looking good. I hope to meet some good friends and have already and I just joined here. Ty I am really looking forward to being able to talk with you all about similar issues and basically being there for someone else who is in a dark place and needs some help. I have been there so many times and if someone could come and take my pain away that would be great. I know its not like that of course. Anyways Hi to everyone!! Thanks for reading this.... Hello, my name is Amy and I have recently just discovered that I have been suffering from an anxiety disorder which slowly turned into deppresion which I have had for years but being so young did not realise untill I was sent to a phyciatrist and many doctors who diognosed me. I like you am on 20mg Citroplam and have frequent visits to doctors, councilors and are having therapy and I like you really do not know what to do and feel like i am losing everyone around me through my constant worrying and mood swings. I hope that maybe we can help eachother out as I have been searching on forums to find people to talk to because I can't talk to my friends and loved ones about it as they get angry and I am now scared of loosing them. I also have a boyfriend I have been with 13 months now and like your husband he is saying he can not go on with the constant moods and trusting issues. It feels like everything is a cage around me and I really just need help and someone to talk to you, like you so I really hope we can maybe help eachother to find out why this is happening to us and make eachother feel a bit better maybe. I hope to hear from you soon, Amy xx Hi Amy yes it seems that we do have a similar situation and i would love to talk to you about things as well. I am just starting the CBD and am going to be going to a group therapy and of course joining this forum has been awesome because I don't feel alone. It doesn't necessarily make things easier. The meltdowns still occur I feel my family doesnt understand I dont go out to much so I dont have alot of close friends either. So yes I would love to talk to you about life in general . Talk to you soon :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flygirl38 Posted September 3, 2010 Author Report Share Posted September 3, 2010 Welcome Thanks Saharah Blue!! :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
misun Posted September 3, 2010 Report Share Posted September 3, 2010 Hi everyone I just stumbled across this website and joined up right away. Just before that and even now I was crying alone in front of the computer wondering if my life serves any purpose. I am so tired of feeling so much pain, hurt and sadness. I suffer from anxiety which leads to depression and the depression is really bad. I take 20mg of cipralex and I am on 450mg of wellbutrin prescribed by my new psychiatrist which isnt helping at all. I am also starting cognitive behavior therapy. I have four wonderful kids and am in a relationship with a great guy that I want to be with for a very long time. The problem is I am in such a dark place or I am numb that I am hurting him. He understands and says he is patient but he cannot go through a relationship with me constantly lashing out and I always assume that everyone hates me and that I am of course worthless. I am clean freak because I am so broken inside that I like to keep the outside looking good. I hope to meet some good friends and have already and I just joined here. Ty I am really looking forward to being able to talk with you all about similar issues and basically being there for someone else who is in a dark place and needs some help. I have been there so many times and if someone could come and take my pain away that would be great. I know its not like that of course. Anyways Hi to everyone!! Thanks for reading this.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
misun Posted September 3, 2010 Report Share Posted September 3, 2010 It sounds like u are looking for the same as me from this site. i'm new here too and im not very good with the internet but i'll give it a try. If u are suffering now u know u dont have to suffer alone Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flygirl38 Posted September 3, 2010 Author Report Share Posted September 3, 2010 Hi everyone I just stumbled across this website and joined up right away. Just before that and even now I was crying alone in front of the computer wondering if my life serves any purpose. I am so tired of feeling so much pain, hurt and sadness. I suffer from anxiety which leads to depression and the depression is really bad. I take 20mg of cipralex and I am on 450mg of wellbutrin prescribed by my new psychiatrist which isnt helping at all. I am also starting cognitive behavior therapy. I have four wonderful kids and am in a relationship with a great guy that I want to be with for a very long time. The problem is I am in such a dark place or I am numb that I am hurting him. He understands and says he is patient but he cannot go through a relationship with me constantly lashing out and I always assume that everyone hates me and that I am of course worthless. I am clean freak because I am so broken inside that I like to keep the outside looking good. I hope to meet some good friends and have already and I just joined here. Ty I am really looking forward to being able to talk with you all about similar issues and basically being there for someone else who is in a dark place and needs some help. I have been there so many times and if someone could come and take my pain away that would be great. I know its not like that of course. Anyways Hi to everyone!! Thanks for reading this.... Hi Hopeless, I believe I've replied to another of yoru posts but I'll welcome you again A lot of what you are describing rings home for me too. That feeling of worthlessness that tends to haunt us, and thinking that your life has and does not serve any purpose. sometimes those thoughts are so loud you can't see past them at all, but from your post I see that you have already served a great purpose in this world. You have given birth to four wonderful children. That is worth the life you have lived. Also remember you are unique, there is no one else at all like you. No one shares your fingerprint or carbon footprint! So no one at all can ever take your place or serve your role in this world. That means your life must have purpose! With the lashing out at your spouse... yeah that happens. the CBT will give you new skills to help with that. Countering the depression will also help relieve this and maybe if you feel like lashing out at him, you can come here instead. We have a place for release letters that you never show the person your angry with and another board just to vent and yell and scream and rant! Often that is enough to burn off that negative energy and save your partner a little. With the statement "Everyone hates me" I can't count the number of times I said that as a kid and young adult. I don't say it now. I know it's what is called a sweeping statement. In other words, it's an all inclusive statement that can never be proven. I can't possibily scan the entire human race to find out if they ALL hate me. So maybe change the statement a little "some people hate me but there are others who don't" When you look at it in that light, it really softens the effect don't you think? Take care WP Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flygirl38 Posted September 3, 2010 Author Report Share Posted September 3, 2010 Hi everyone I just stumbled across this website and joined up right away. Just before that and even now I was crying alone in front of the computer wondering if my life serves any purpose. I am so tired of feeling so much pain, hurt and sadness. I suffer from anxiety which leads to depression and the depression is really bad. I take 20mg of cipralex and I am on 450mg of wellbutrin prescribed by my new psychiatrist which isnt helping at all. I am also starting cognitive behavior therapy. I have four wonderful kids and am in a relationship with a great guy that I want to be with for a very long time. The problem is I am in such a dark place or I am numb that I am hurting him. He understands and says he is patient but he cannot go through a relationship with me constantly lashing out and I always assume that everyone hates me and that I am of course worthless. I am clean freak because I am so broken inside that I like to keep the outside looking good. I hope to meet some good friends and have already and I just joined here. Ty I am really looking forward to being able to talk with you all about similar issues and basically being there for someone else who is in a dark place and needs some help. I have been there so many times and if someone could come and take my pain away that would be great. I know its not like that of course. Anyways Hi to everyone!! Thanks for reading this.... Hi Hopeless, I believe I've replied to another of yoru posts but I'll welcome you again A lot of what you are describing rings home for me too. That feeling of worthlessness that tends to haunt us, and thinking that your life has and does not serve any purpose. sometimes those thoughts are so loud you can't see past them at all, but from your post I see that you have already served a great purpose in this world. You have given birth to four wonderful children. That is worth the life you have lived. Also remember you are unique, there is no one else at all like you. No one shares your fingerprint or carbon footprint! So no one at all can ever take your place or serve your role in this world. That means your life must have purpose! With the lashing out at your spouse... yeah that happens. the CBT will give you new skills to help with that. Countering the depression will also help relieve this and maybe if you feel like lashing out at him, you can come here instead. We have a place for release letters that you never show the person your angry with and another board just to vent and yell and scream and rant! Often that is enough to burn off that negative energy and save your partner a little. With the statement "Everyone hates me" I can't count the number of times I said that as a kid and young adult. I don't say it now. I know it's what is called a sweeping statement. In other words, it's an all inclusive statement that can never be proven. I can't possibily scan the entire human race to find out if they ALL hate me. So maybe change the statement a little "some people hate me but there are others who don't" When you look at it in that light, it really softens the effect don't you think? Take care WP Hi WP, thanks for the welcome again and I appreciate and am glad that you can relate to my feelings. At the time of doing the intro I was in despair. During those moments is when I do truly feel alone and don't feel the positivity of life and my surroundings . I do recognize that yes my children are very important and yes there are times I think I do have a purpose.Its just those moments when you are feeling so alone and with me I always tend to put up the protective wall and keep myself safe from being hurt. I fully realize that its not right but I dont know how to stop it. I am glad you wrote on my post and I do look forward to meeting you. Ps that was great advice regarding the boyfriend situation and I talked to him about it so I am going to try that for sure. Thanks !! :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flygirl38 Posted September 3, 2010 Author Report Share Posted September 3, 2010 Hi everyone I just stumbled across this website and joined up right away. Just before that and even now I was crying alone in front of the computer wondering if my life serves any purpose. I am so tired of feeling so much pain, hurt and sadness. I suffer from anxiety which leads to depression and the depression is really bad. I take 20mg of cipralex and I am on 450mg of wellbutrin prescribed by my new psychiatrist which isnt helping at all. I am also starting cognitive behavior therapy. I have four wonderful kids and am in a relationship with a great guy that I want to be with for a very long time. The problem is I am in such a dark place or I am numb that I am hurting him. He understands and says he is patient but he cannot go through a relationship with me constantly lashing out and I always assume that everyone hates me and that I am of course worthless. I am clean freak because I am so broken inside that I like to keep the outside looking good. I hope to meet some good friends and have already and I just joined here. Ty I am really looking forward to being able to talk with you all about similar issues and basically being there for someone else who is in a dark place and needs some help. I have been there so many times and if someone could come and take my pain away that would be great. I know its not like that of course. Anyways Hi to everyone!! Thanks for reading this.... Hi Helpless38, First things first, a big to the forum. One of the first things you need to do straight away is lighten up on yourself a bit, when a person has a sore leg and are in pain, then they have the right to be a bit selfish and moody, have you ever seen anyone who is not? Equally, with depression a person is in pain, and they are not going to act the way they normally would .You use the word "worthless", and no human being is worthless although I understand how you might "feel" worthless.Like I said, you may be judging yourself a little too harshly there. For one, you are taking positive steps in your recovery, including going to psych, taking your meds, and getting counselling, and to top that off you had the insight and self-awareness to realise you are not well and do something about it(ironic that you used the username helpless38, dont you think?, to me you are the complete opposite of helpless). If you find the meds are not working, then you may have to speak to the psych again, but I do know from having had depression and being on meds, it takes some time for anti-depressants to start working because they need to build up in the body to have the desired effect, so depending how long you are on them, you might have to wait a while for them to really start having an effect. In the meantime, try not to beat yourself up, and be less critical, you are taking positive steps in your own recovery, and far from criticising yourself and feeling worthless you should be pleased with yourself for taking a proactive approach to seeking help and managing your mental health. Having been there myself, I understand how difficult it can be, and can tell you dont worry about losing the cool sometimes with your partner or kids, they will understand you are not yourself, and interestingly enough studies have shown that kids who grow up with someone who has suffered from depression or mental health issues actually become very resourceful and resiliant (perhaps because they have to be that little bit more independent) so in fact, it may actually be helping them to be more independent. So may I join with the rest of the members here in congratulting you on your efforts so far, and I hope that we will be hearing from you soon, best wishes, BPDlkeme Hi there thanks for the post.. I want to start by saying that I do fully realize and with the past events and learned behavior's etc. that I am really hard on myself. I came here to find common ground with others that suffer and learn how they cope and find a common ground. I do want to learn to cope and I do realize when I am going into melt down mode as well. I just don't know how to divert it or switch it. Right now my therapist is starting me out by writing a journal of before , after and during the whole meltdown. Its true what you mention about the kids being more independant. My boyfriend grew up as the oldest to a mom to had more sever anxiety issues and not sure what else that I have. He told me at five he was taking care of his mom and always looked out for his younger siblings. Right now my older two kind of understand but this is also the first time in awhile that I have been very down and not able to cope so its also hard for them to see that. I have always tried to hide how I am but it just makes things worse. I have tried explaining but they just don't seem to get it. I am sure as they turn into adults they will have a better understanding of what I go through. I hope anyways. Thanks I will try to lighten up and I am going to learn the necessary skills to do that and I am also glad I discovered this website. Thanks again BPE1keme!!! :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flygirl38 Posted September 3, 2010 Author Report Share Posted September 3, 2010 Hi everyone, seems like most I have stumbled across this site, not had chance to look at much yet. I am on here looking for help and advice regarding a loved one suffering from depression, I have been looking at a lot of advice pages but nothing helped, so heres hoping. I really want to learn more about what my girlfriend is going through, obviously she has difficulty in opening up to me just now, I have known her for 12 months,however,long story behind that 12 months. I look forward to chatting and getting to know you all, for now... Regards to all hi there if you have any questions I am willing to answer them to the best of my ability. Does she suffer from anxiety and depression or just depression. I am pretty knowledgeable in those departments because I have been going through this for a very long time. So please feel free to post any questions. I am hoping my chat gets fixed in here as I am not able to access it. It is quite obvious that you love your girlfriend and she loves you when depression hits and especially for me I just feel alone, lost, hurt, sad, in pain mentally, suicidal at times and that i just want to be left alone. Its really hard to feel normal and fit in at that point. So its easier to shut everyone out and hide. I also feel ashamed that my loved ones particularly my boyfriend has to see me like that and he has been understanding to a point. I do attack him when my defensives are up and I am really focused on learning some coping skills through cognitive behavior therapy because in a situation of mass anxiety or depression I feel that the pills dont really help. I hope I helped you out a bit. Good luck I am here if you need anything !! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flygirl38 Posted September 3, 2010 Author Report Share Posted September 3, 2010 Hi everyone I just stumbled across this website and joined up right away. Just before that and even now I was crying alone in front of the computer wondering if my life serves any purpose. I am so tired of feeling so much pain, hurt and sadness. I suffer from anxiety which leads to depression and the depression is really bad. I take 20mg of cipralex and I am on 450mg of wellbutrin prescribed by my new psychiatrist which isnt helping at all. I am also starting cognitive behavior therapy. I have four wonderful kids and am in a relationship with a great guy that I want to be with for a very long time. The problem is I am in such a dark place or I am numb that I am hurting him. He understands and says he is patient but he cannot go through a relationship with me constantly lashing out and I always assume that everyone hates me and that I am of course worthless. I am clean freak because I am so broken inside that I like to keep the outside looking good. I hope to meet some good friends and have already and I just joined here. Ty I am really looking forward to being able to talk with you all about similar issues and basically being there for someone else who is in a dark place and needs some help. I have been there so many times and if someone could come and take my pain away that would be great. I know its not like that of course. Anyways Hi to everyone!! Thanks for reading this.... Hi Hopeless, I believe I've replied to another of yoru posts but I'll welcome you again A lot of what you are describing rings home for me too. That feeling of worthlessness that tends to haunt us, and thinking that your life has and does not serve any purpose. sometimes those thoughts are so loud you can't see past them at all, but from your post I see that you have already served a great purpose in this world. You have given birth to four wonderful children. That is worth the life you have lived. Also remember you are unique, there is no one else at all like you. No one shares your fingerprint or carbon footprint! So no one at all can ever take your place or serve your role in this world. That means your life must have purpose! With the lashing out at your spouse... yeah that happens. the CBT will give you new skills to help with that. Countering the depression will also help relieve this and maybe if you feel like lashing out at him, you can come here instead. We have a place for release letters that you never show the person your angry with and another board just to vent and yell and scream and rant! Often that is enough to burn off that negative energy and save your partner a little. With the statement "Everyone hates me" I can't count the number of times I said that as a kid and young adult. I don't say it now. I know it's what is called a sweeping statement. In other words, it's an all inclusive statement that can never be proven. I can't possibily scan the entire human race to find out if they ALL hate me. So maybe change the statement a little "some people hate me but there are others who don't" When you look at it in that light, it really softens the effect don't you think? Take care WP Thanks WP I am having a hard time with replying to these posts correctly lol! This is the second time that I have had to respond to your post because it didnt work out the first time. I appreciate everything you said and you also gave some really good advice. I will definitely look forward to getting to know you and so far you have really helped me out and I want to say thanks!! :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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