My Dbt Journey

[Jinxsta]

As some of you will know I have just completed DBT, and I was asked by my therapist to email her a summary of my treatment (which will be sent to my GP, CPN, MHT etc) addressing the following (in her words);

•your experience of DBT

•what you've found helpful

•changes you've made with the help of DBT

•where you're still struggling

•your future plan inc addressing your target behaviours

I've just finished it and its mighty long as it more describes my journey in DBT and I thought it may be helpful to share it with you guys, who are interested in DBT, waiting to do it or currently doing it... so if you have the stamina... get reading ;-)

Me and DBT

By Lou

Part one- “I am NOT a monster!”

My experience of DBT has been overall a very positive one, that’s not to say its been an easy-ride and has at times it has been very challenging to say the least. There has been many times throughout my therapy that I have wanted to “chuck in the towel” (I’m glad and proud that I didn’t) due to many difficulties; the first difficulty I had was, accepting the diagnosis, obviously its going to be near on impossible to be committed to a therapy to treat something you don’t believe you have. I struggled with acceptance firstly because I was initially told by my then psychiatrist, that I only showed some traits of BPD, but when it came to my DBT assessment I was shocked to learn I had nine out of nine of the symptoms stated in the DSM-IV criteria.

Secondly, after the assessment I was keen to research the disorder and spent many hours scouring the internet for information, unfortunately I came across a lot of what appears to be misinformed views and opinions, a lot claiming there is no such disorder, and that the label BPD is merely applied to people who do not completely fit the criteria of any other diagnosis, this bothered me somewhat so, I studied it further, and wrote an essay (for my own benefit) investigating what makes a disorder and when a set of symptoms can be classed as a disorder, not sure I’m explaining what I mean very well but nevertheless it helped me come to the conclusion that BPD can and does exist.

Then there were the people that believed BPD existed but had very dim view of “borderlines” one doctor stating;

“I would rather treat a schizophrenic monster than a patient with BPD”

and “Joe average” saying things like;

“DO NOT get involved with a borderline, they’re cold, calculating, manipulative attention-seekers that will screw with your brain”

After reading things like that I’m thinking;

“I’m not like that, if that is what someone with BPD is like, then I don’t have it!”

but after my initial few therapy sessions I learnt a lot more about the disorder “the real” borderline traits, and what they look like in real-life, enabling me to conclude that;

“Ok, I do have this disorder, but it doesn’t make ME as a person flawed (as I feel the name BPD seems to suggest), its not my fault that I am this way, but I now have the choice to make changes”.

The idea of change is always a scary one for me, and I feel this also hindered my progress at the start;

“Do I want to change?”

“Will I not be me anymore if I engage properly in this therapy?”

I soon realised that I did want change and that the aim of DBT is not to change your core personality, but is to help you understand yourself, teach you how to cope more effectively with life, and its up’s and down’s and that having to learn this didn’t make me thick or stupid, that I just didn’t learn certain things growing-up that the average-Joe did and now, was my opportunity to grow new skills (however basic they may seem).

Summary; I now understand my diagnosis, how DBT is helpful, and that if I want to behave different, I can.

Part two- “You actually want me to feel sad???”

Next came trust, I could now identify that my ways of thinking, and my ways of coping, was not like the majority, and could now freely admit that to myself, but to admit that to others was tough, I felt as though I was admitting weakness and leaving myself wide-open for attack, this caused me to flip to defence mode a lot, almost seeing the therapists as the enemy, who were “bound” to attack at anytime. So, I had to learn to trust, for me trust and respect come as package, I can’t trust someone unless I respect them, I cant respect them, if they do not respect me. Some of my respect came from research; it was a time when I had decided that I was probably going to discontinue with therapy, but before I made that definite I decided to research Lorraine, so into the search engine goes; “Dr Lorraine Bell Portsmouth” needless to say quite a lot came up (all positive) I saw that she was well respected in the mental health world and even had a book out!.. In a nut-shell she knew what she was doing!

The respect that Lorraine had been showing me then became mutual, I was then willing to try to begin to trust; her first and foremost, which would then lead me onto trust in her belief of the therapy, and trust that the other therapists must equally be “good eggs”. I would say it took me about eight months to feel comfortable, a lot less afraid to be myself and more able to test the skills. The best way I can describe it is if a complete stranger told you how to do an emergency stop (I’m talking about driving here) you are likely to think;

“well, no I think I’ll stick to the way I know for safety purposes”

But, if you got to know Michael Schumacher over a period of time and he told you another way, you’re going to be more likely to trust his opinion and give it a go. I had know learnt to trust a stranger, and that I might feel a little or a lot exposed, but that it was important for me to take positive risks.

The trust now in place, I was willing to do a strange thing called “feeling my emotions”, I know realised there must be a good reason why these people were encouraging me to welcome emotions that I had spent along time running away from rather than thinking;

“What the hell??? Why would anyone want me to feel sad/angry/ashamed, do they want me to hit rock bottom???”

I have learnt what emotions are i.e; You cannot feel shit, you cannot feel stupid, because they are not emotions, although I must point out that these are obviously colloquial terms usually used to denote an emotion, it just doesn’t explain the emotion/emotions you are feeling clearly, possibly leaving yourself without knowing what you feel as well as whoever you are speaking to. I’ve learnt that all emotions serve a purpose, and they are all of equal importance even though some are very uncomfortable to experience, therefore I can now (most of the time) feel my emotion without judgement rather than;

“I shouldn’t be feeling this, it not right”

its now

“I’m allowed to feel this, I’m feeling it for a reason and its natural”

Summary; I know now there are trustworthy, understanding people and I am able to trust, but I still struggle to start the process and keep the motivation to stick at it, I now know how to feel my emotions, although I still do not always deal with them effectively.

Part three- stop, look and listen.

To feel my emotions I had to learn the concept of mindfulness, at first my impressions were (to put it lightly);

“This is new-age hippy-fied cr*p”

What was really going on there was, I didn’t really understand what it meant, I was being shown what it looked like, but couldn’t quite get my head around it’s actual meaning, like being shown water but not knowing it’s chemical compound or what its used for. I then discovered that all it meant was “awareness”… something that we are born with, but tends to lose its way as we evolve into a big world full of many distractions. I then got confused as to how you put this into practise like;

“why would I want to be mindful of the pain after stubbing my toe?”

I was thinking;

“Awareness of that is ouch; it hurts it hurts it hurts!”

I then realised/learnt that being mindfully aware of that would actually look more like;

“ok, just stubbed my toe on edge of the bed, really hurts, I’ll try to be more careful next time…what shall I have for dinner?”

Observing, describing, moving on… True to say that if I stubbed my toe, I clearly wasn’t being mindful in the first place!

Mindfulness pretty much covers everything, and once you are aware that you can be aware, it opens up a whole new world. There is too many things that I have found mindfulness helpful in but I’ll list a few (as I am aware that this “feedback” essay is quickly turning into a novel J)

Mindfulness of others: noticing they exist! gauging their feelings, responses and actions, noticing my effect on others, and in turn what affect that may have on me.

Mindfulness of surroundings; “Oh I’m here!” from noticing that yes I am still on the planet, to spotting potential dangers, or potentially damaging situations.

Mindfulness of emotions; Already described in part 2.

Mindfulness of thoughts; “Really?” first not pushing it away, but equally not dwelling on it and knowing that thought does not equal fact.

Mindfulness has been helpful mainly because it has helped me to “stop, look and listen” before I take action for example;

“That girl other there is staring me out”

Mind starts to spiral off;

“she’s, got a problem with me, she thinks I’m fat, I’m gonna go hit her”

Whoah! Pull the reins in.. I notice my mind is turning into a tornado so, I hit the pause button and in comes mindfulness (with the aid of a few other skills, namely wise-mind and non-judgemental stance);

Is she actually staring at me? Could she be looking at something else? Maybe she’s looking in admiration, I feel angry and that’s because I feel uncomfortable when people stare. If it is the case she is staring what’s likely to happen if I hit her? she could smash that glass in my face, the other people with her could get involved”

… I could go on but the point is I take the time to note other possibilities, notice how I’m feeling, notice my surroundings, notice that my thoughts may actually not be fact and notice possible dangers, by which point I see things more clearer, have calmed down and the initial urge to hit her has subsided.

Summary; I now know what mindfulness is, and how to use it but still struggle with using it in times of high emotion.

Part four- its easy to read a recipe, but hard to make a soufflé

Ok, so now I know 98% of the skills academically, I just need to put them into practise.. This is easy when things are bobbing along ok, but when the proverbial hit’s the fan, the skills seem out of reach and do not come naturally (as yet) I tend to lose faith in myself that I am capable of using the skills, often leading to despairing thoughts;

“ I can’t cope”

“I can’t change things”

“Things will never get better”

“I may as well die”

I find it hard to fight these thoughts with reason although the truth is;

“I can cope because I’m still alive at 24”

“I may not be able to change environmental factors, but I can change how I react to them”

“Things can and have got better”

“I don’t want to die, I want the pain to die, but it wont subside until I accept it, and accept that all the above is possible”

Summary: I’ve learnt the skills well but need to keep at practising them.

Part five- DBT is for life, not just for Christmas!

A lesson I should have learnt from many times over now EG;

I’m not feeling any uncomfortable emotions so, sex, drugs and rock and roll…then SLAM! I hit the floor at high velocity I think;

“I don’t know why this has happened!”

Then I’ll take a closer look and usually find;

• 
  
  
• I’ve been blocking uncomfortable emotions, and now they are erupting.
  
• I’ve not been eating, have been drinking and taking drugs, not taking meds, and not sleeping.
  
• I haven’t been being aware of what is happening around me.
  
• I’ve been putting on my “happy” mask to the world.
  
• I’ve been being judgemental of myself.
  

I’ve without realising it, taken my eye off the ball, I have forgotten that these aren’t skills that I can just pull out in times of crisis, they are a lifestyle. Yes a lot of it is boring, but I realise that some of the skills can be modified to suit me better, or a middle-way can be found between zero skill usage and complete skill usage;

• 
  
  
• Have a few beers but don’t get drunk if feeling emotionally dysregulated,
  
• Spend a few minutes checking in how you feel each day,
  
• Party, have a good time but not four days out of seven
  

Etc.

Part six- that’s all folks!

If you have managed to get this far without falling asleep, well done! Kind of forgot about middle-way while writing this!

I think part five explains how “I hope” or should I say how “I know” how to progress in the future. I’m now aiming to not self-harm, (I wont say forever, because forever is a long time) in the near future, not only because I don’t want to but because I would like to undergo treatment for my OCD, and I realise this is not possible all the time there is a great risk of self-injury. I would also like to investigate further my dissociation as it is interfering with my quality of life a great deal and I feel its more than just number nine on the DSM-IV for BPD.

I would like to announce, that today I got news that I have been accepted for a voluntary position I applied for, on a mental health forum as “Peer support” basically I will be giving live online support to people in crisis… I intend to use my personal experience and my knowledge of DBT to help others ß check me out! The website offers support to people all round the world, with members from; Japan, Israel, Australia, Germany, the Netherlands and the USA to name a few, I take great pride in being given this opportunity and I know I will get a great sense of achievement from helping others, and I have got the confidence that I am competent of doing so from DBT.

I would also like to take this opportunity to thank the DBT team, in particular Lorraine for having patience and belief in me and not giving-up when I was difficult (which was a lot of times I can assure you) Lorraine is the best therapist I’ve ever had… also the only therapist I’ve ever had J … I wont carry-on, don’t want you all thinking;

“ah number two of the criteria… idealization”

So, thank you for reading, long as it is, I hope you have found it mildly insightful and interesting…. I’m now going to resist the urge to go back and delete lines out, just so that I have an even number of pages J.

In the words of Vinnie Jones (in lock stock and two smoking barrels)…. “It’s been emotional”.

[Warrior Princess]

Hey I think this is awesome that you've shared this! Very brave and also caring move to all of us here. I havn't read it all yet because getting ready for work but I will come back to it. I'm wanting to re do DBT to review the skills and possibily they will start me on CBT. This is a very inspiring post and motivates me to do the same about my DBT journey which was two years ago!

Thanks.

WP

[Warrior Princess]

Ok well, finished it instead of getting ready for work so this one will be a quick reply!

You have such a good way with words. That article should be published! MH professionals would benefit from reading how the stigma effects people and about how people can and do want to improve. It really hit home for me and reminded me of something, that in crisis, sometimes I also have trouble using the DBT skills. I beat myself up badly for that recently because I told myself "I should have known better" but this post has reminded me that I need to use DBT as a lifestyle, not just a coping mechanism at the odd times I may need it. Sheesh! I need to practice these skills daily for the smallest of things. Also, I know I'm not alone in forgetting the skills when there is a crisis. I think we all do it! However, I also know that if we practice the skills all the time, the neural pathways that say "cope" become stronger than the neural pathways that say "Break down and self harm".

Thanks again Jinxsta. Mind if I print this? Just for personal reasons. Would never share anyone's stuff with out consent.

WP

[BPDlkeme]

Thanks Jinxsta,

As you know, despite the fact that we dont have DBT here,I am very interested in what one can learn from DBT, and I too thought this was a very brave and caring thing to do.

Many thanks for sharing,

BPDlkeme

[Jinxsta]

Ok well, finished it instead of getting ready for work so this one will be a quick reply!

You have such a good way with words. That article should be published! you making me blush again WP!!!!!!!

MH professionals would benefit from reading how the stigma effects people and about how people can and do want to improve. I agree

It really hit home for me and reminded me of something, that in crisis, sometimes I also have trouble using the DBT skills. I beat myself up badly for that recently because I told myself "I should have known better" but this post has reminded me that I need to use DBT as a lifestyle, not just a coping mechanism at the odd times I may need it. Sheesh! I need to practice these skills daily for the smallest of things. I find the smallest things the hardest sometimes, because its hard to see that you need to use the skills.

Also, I know I'm not alone in forgetting the skills when there is a crisis. I think we all do it! Think this is due to emotional dysregulation

However, I also know that if we practice the skills all the time, the neural pathways that say "cope" become stronger than the neural pathways that say "Break down and self harm"... a proven theory i hear.

Thanks again Jinxsta. Mind if I print this? Just for personal reasons. Would never share anyone's stuff with out consent. Course you can, im honoured!

WP

Thanks Jinxsta,

As you know, despite the fact that we dont have DBT here,I am very interested in what one can learn from DBT, have you looked into online DBT? if u did it i would be more than willing to help you out with it

and I too thought this was a very brave and caring thing to do. Thank you

Many thanks for sharing, No worries

BPDlkeme

Thank you both for taking the time to read it.

xxx

[Jinxsta]

Just realised I left my full name in my original post... oh well I got nothing to hide, and sure I wont get any stalkers.

xxx

[Warrior Princess]

Except me :ninja:

[Jinxsta]

Except me

Ha ha.... shhhh im going undercover...

xxx

[sophhee23]

Fantastic idea dude and really helpful as im finding it bloody hard to even get myself there atm THANKS xxx

[Jinxsta]

Fantastic idea dude and really helpful as im finding it bloody hard to even get myself there atm THANKS xxx

No worries glad its being helpful.

xxx

[sophhee23]

Excellent you have just written exactly what im feeling and thinking right now! x

[aurorablues]

Hey Jinx,

What a brilliant, well written and inspiring post! You've come so far, well done!

Aurora :)

[Jinxsta]

lol, which bit?

xxx

[Jinxsta]

Hey Jinx,

What a brilliant, well written and inspiring post! You've come so far, well done!

Aurora

Thank you aurora.

xxx

[sanctuary]

Oh NOOO.... I just neg'd your post instead of hitting the bloody positive!!!!!!

So, to rectify with a bit more I am so glad you are back here and posting and stuff. I missed you when u were away but now you've come back and you have so much to give this community, me included.... thankyou for sharing your experience xxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Jinxsta]

Oh NOOO.... I just neg'd your post instead of hitting the bloody positive!!!!!!

So, to rectify with a bit more I am so glad you are back here and posting and stuff. I missed you when u were away but now you've come back and you have so much to give this community, me included.... thankyou for sharing your experience xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Awww thanks sanc, i missed being here too!

xxx

[abee.abee1991]

well done Jinx! very inspiring and well written! x

[Jinxsta]

well done Jinx! very inspiring and well written! x

Thank hun.

xxx

[justine giggle]

hi jinxsta, thanx for recommending this to me to read, i found your story truely inspiring and has given me a great deal of hope as im following on the same journey.

you have obviously come a very long way and worked very hard, well done x :rolleyes:

[Jinxsta]

Thank you hun im really glad iy was help... trusy me i was the most arrogent anti-bdbt'ist for the first year... but still got something out of it...if i can anyone can.

xxx