Immaturity

[Narcissa]

according to a bpd book i have, there is a great deal of immaturity in a bpd sufferer. I know from my experiences that i am very immature and can't cope with confronation or opposing opinions. I was abused as a child. Is this immaturity there because i'm still stuck at that age when i was abused? Or is it just because i can't deal with my emotions? My emotional growth was stunted at the age of 10? And is that the age i'm going to be stuck in for the rest of my life?

[Data]

Yes BPD people are immature. I am immature. And yes I am afraid I think you do remain stuck. However, you can learn ways to cope with this. You can gain insight into yourself. It takes a long time, but, with help, you can begin to understand how you tick and to find ways to make life easier for yourself.

[Warrior Princess]

I actually don't put it down to immaturity but more lack of skills to cope as an adult. When you are an abused or neglected child, you arn't taught those crucial skills when you were at your best to learn them. Now as an adult you may feel stuck since the ground knowledge you should have learnt from your parents is just not there.

However, I don't believe you stay stuck. You can learn these skills. It may take a bit longer if you are older but it's still doable. DBT is about teaching the skills to live well and get by.

I can still be immature especially when I'm a bit on the manic side but I suppose that's more about loving life and remaining young and fresh. I hope I never become an old fart who can't laugh at silly things or play. Even adults need play time.

WP

[yasontheborder]

oh my i never knew that! i do get bouts of time when im extremely immature..laugh at inappropriate times, silly things. i wonder if it'll ever go with therapy? its like part of me is still hanging on to being a kid. x

[carlylight1]

hi hunni you're really not alone. i'm young for my age too and don't feel like i've ever grown up(not young looking tho unfortunately just mentally!) i find it quite frustrating and embarassing at times but i just don't know how to be an adult. x

[emily elizabeth]

i feel like a child inside of a 23 year olds body. i find that people treat me like a child too though, in arguments i get called childish and a stupid little girl. i even had an ex boyfriend that actually used to cradle me in his arms like a baby and stroke my face.

i was also abused when i was ten, but my old therapist told me that she thought my inner child was a lot younger than 10. but i can act like an adult sometimes and other times i know i do act really child like.

[Data]

Immaturity is not just about being silly, its far more than just your behaviour. Do young children act silly all the time? No they do not. Young children struggle with their emotions, they have temper tantrums. They don't understand themselves. They are emotionally volatile, changing moods quickly, because they are not "thick skinned" enough to cope with life.

Some people do not move past this childish phase because their upbringing did not meet their needs. I am one of these people.

[Johnie_Diablo]

A lot of truth said by you people on this thread, about maturity and so-called adult behaviour.

I'm not BPD, but I did have a tough time as a kid, and suffered forever after because of it.

I begrudged the things other people have had when they were young, so I wanted a bit of that myself. Even this late in the day. It was like I wanted to rub their noses in it, get "justice" for myself.

A lot of this is subconscious - I can't see it in myself but other people can, so they look down their nose at me, and not accept me as an equal, or as a serious adult. Talk "over my head" at times, like I'm a kid.

There's a lot of stuff going on at different levels here. I didn't develop through the "normal" phases of childhood/adolescence. Got no help from parents in learning to socialize. And it shows...

Steve.

[Narcissa]

Immaturity is not just about being silly, its far more than just your behaviour. Do young children act silly all the time? No they do not. Young children struggle with their emotions, they have temper tantrums. They don't understand themselves. They are emotionally volatile, changing moods quickly, because they are not "thick skinned" enough to cope with life.

Some people do not move past this childish phase because their upbringing did not meet their needs. I am one of these people.

I think this post is unnecessarily harsh. This is a sensitive subject. Maybe this could've been worded differently.

[Data]

I think this post is unnecessarily harsh. This is a sensitive subject. Maybe this could've been worded differently.

Life is harsh.

[hummm_mabbe]

Hullo Narcissa

I would agree with others - these are things that can be learned.

i think the hardest part of it is that its very easy to read about skills, and think about applying them - but once the emotion is triggered, the 'autopilot' kicks in. There is a lot of research to show this is true, as in times of stress we tend to fall back on 'experiential' memory - what we have learned through what is done to us and what we have done ourselves. So the problem is how to learn to act, despite the tidal wave of feeling that turns up on your doorstep.

For me, mindfulness is really helping. It helps you to place a stopgap between the overwhelming emotion, and what you choose to do about that emotion. As the sensations are often very painful, it also helps you learn to tolerate it. You start easy and small, perhaps starting with those times when you remember something stressful and you feel bad. Gradually you build up to trying to use it face to face, letting the presence of the emotion be the trigger for you to remember to use mindfulness. That little gap can be enough to let you try out an alternative. Often the best way of drilling those alternatives in is through rehearsal, which can best be done in therapy, though if you get this stuff from a book you might try it in the mirror or something Gradually, because you do it again and again, it becomes part of that experiential memory, and so automatic.

Ross

[Data]

Immaturity is not just about being silly, its far more than just your behaviour. Do young children act silly all the time? No they do not. Young children struggle with their emotions, they have temper tantrums. They don't understand themselves. They are emotionally volatile, changing moods quickly, because they are not "thick skinned" enough to cope with life.

Some people do not move past this childish phase because their upbringing did not meet their needs. I am one of these people.

I think this post is unnecessarily harsh. This is a sensitive subject. Maybe this could've been worded differently.

I am sorry about my one-line response last night. I was upset about something else.

I am sorry also if you feel my post (above) was harsh. I know the subject is sensitive but I am referring to myself (As much as anyone else with BPD) when I use these words. I didn't mean it to seem harsh. I am not blaming people for their problems or judging them in any way.

[walker]

noghing

[Johnie_Diablo]

There's different sides to immaturity.

The side you're discussing here is controlling "childish" emotions.

Another side is to be to over-dependent on other people. - Like a kid needs its mom and dad. How many people are still like this, very dependent, even into their twenties and beyond?

A lot of people try to find a substitute for parents, in a partner or a friend. Clinging, and leaning on them for everything.

After a time this pisses off the partner or friend, so you're left with nobody. How many been down this path?

Steve.

[Narcissa]

Immaturity is not just about being silly, its far more than just your behaviour. Do young children act silly all the time? No they do not. Young children struggle with their emotions, they have temper tantrums. They don't understand themselves. They are emotionally volatile, changing moods quickly, because they are not "thick skinned" enough to cope with life.

Some people do not move past this childish phase because their upbringing did not meet their needs. I am one of these people.

I think this post is unnecessarily harsh. This is a sensitive subject. Maybe this could've been worded differently.

I am sorry about my one-line response last night. I was upset about something else.

I am sorry also if you feel my post (above) was harsh. I know the subject is sensitive but I am referring to myself (As much as anyone else with BPD) when I use these words. I didn't mean it to seem harsh. I am not blaming people for their problems or judging them in any way.

thanks, and i am sorry for being harsh too.

[starryeyesee]

hi rata

i am 39 but feel like a 20 year old. however since i started therapy i have realised that i have grown up and have accepted i can no longer turn to my parents, friends or loved ones when i need help. i look for it within myself first then if i am really struggling i come here. are you in any therapy right now, this may help you.

love starry x

[Data]

Yes I attend weekly psycho counselling.

I have never heard of "psycho counselling". Is that a new therapy technique?

[Jelly-bean]

i have just been dx with bpd ......im 45 and i can say that i thought i was slow like had special needs because i couldn't control my self emotionally and would get frustrated, i still do but now i know and see where it comes from now, that makes it alittle easier to understand,

i think that i won't grow out of it cos i have lived with this all my life but i think now knowing, i can learn ways to cope, better ways then i have relyed on maybe like a reprogramming myself to start learning we never stop learning huns xox

[Jinxsta]

Ok in a factual sense, BPD means we never learnt how to deal/use/cope with our emotions properly.. so in that sense yes we are emotionally immature.

Personally im immature in most areas of my life, was once told by a shrink my mind was stuck at the age of 15... im not bothered by it i live i learn.

xxx

[Wobbles]

I think it's a very generalised statement to say 'BPD people are immature'. Not all sufferers of BPD are immature or behave accordingly, and it's my personal opinion that it isn't the sufferer on the whole that is immature, but the main characteristic of BPD is having immature emotions, and an immature ability to handle different emotions. The part of our brain that controls and deals with emotions, is immature, meaning, it hasn't developed normally and is therefore acting in a child-like way.

Considering emotions are involved in so many facets of life, it is easy to therefore label a BPD sufferer as immature, when really it's just their inability to deal with their emotions in a way appropriate to life situations, taking biological age into account.

[icu_baby]

Ok in a factual sense, BPD means we never learnt how to deal/use/cope with our emotions properly.. so in that sense yes we are emotionally immature.

Personally im immature in most areas of my life, was once told by a shrink my mind was stuck at the age of 15... im not bothered by it i live i learn.

xxx

I don't understand Jinx, so many people say they are emotionally stuck at a young age yet I have been on this sight for a long time and I have never met a group of people that are so in touch with their feelings and aware of how they are feeling and know how to soothe themselves by coming here and asking for help. I also think that people here give great advice about life. What do you think?

[catsmother21]

I have been very immature in my behaviour and reactions as I was never taught how to be a 'grown up' by my mother. Her behaviour was like this and I learned and soaked up what I saw and was becoming a mirror image of my mother.

I now feel that I can behave in a much more mature way and when the immature thoughts creep in, I am now aware enough to challenge them and stop them most of the time.

I believe this is due to therapy, DBT, becoming more aware of my behaviour and being more comfortable with the person that I am. I feel that I have mellowed with age a bit and things that would send me into a childish meltdown in the past just don't seem that important any more.

[lewchocolate]

I have not read other peoples responses because I can't really focus on reading at the moment but completely think this is normal. I can show my immaturity normally when I am upset and I can act like a child in therapy when we are taking about things that happened when I was younger. When my therapist in the past has confronted me with certain things I can just sit there sucking my thumb which I did throughout my childhood. Other times I am really up front and aggressive (in words not in hurting people) so that is me as a teenager mode which is the part the protects me. Then other times I am my own age where I can reason like someone who is in their 20s can. Although I can't control which part of me is coming out I can understand what triggers me so I can understand why I get into those modes (?) of thinking or behaviour. I did improve over the year and a half of psychotherapy by being a child and then my therapist getting me to think like an adult would about the same situation. So things can get better even though its really difficult. My therapist says I act like this because I did not have the chance to understand or think through events that happened to me when I was abused. So I have to get the child part of me express what happened and then get the adult part of me to explain to the child part what happened if that make sense.

[TmKg]

according to a bpd book i have, there is a great deal of immaturity in a bpd sufferer. I know from my experiences that i am very immature and can't cope with confronation or opposing opinions. I was abused as a child. Is this immaturity there because i'm still stuck at that age when i was abused? Or is it just because i can't deal with my emotions? My emotional growth was stunted at the age of 10? And is that the age i'm going to be stuck in for the rest of my life?

I was abused as a child too and at the age of 22.. I still feel like a child. I don't want any kind of responsibility in my life and I can't look after myself but I'm just stuck. If I let it go and grow up.. then my childhood is gone and it was all wasted.

I don't have BPD but thought I would share my opinion.

[*Summer*]

I would say that i am immature and i often act very childish lol but i don't let it worry me,I think i would rather be like that than act my age :)