agama Posted September 5, 2010 Report Share Posted September 5, 2010 I'm 29.I can't deal with my ED.I hate myself and only what i want its to die.This thoughts ate killing me.I'm so scared,something inside me started colecting pills.i know o need help but i can't ask for it... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carlylight1 Posted September 5, 2010 Report Share Posted September 5, 2010 please tell your dr. if the urges get strong then go to a+e i've done that quite a few times when i just didn't know what else to do and looking back it did help. give them a chance to help you with this illness. take care and stay safe xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Warrior Princess Posted September 5, 2010 Report Share Posted September 5, 2010 yeah I agree.. ring the therapist or crisis hotline. Or you can ring samaratins if you just need to talk. Is there someone you can hand those collected pills over to? It's a pro active step and it feels very empowering. I've done it a few times. I've also had to hand over all my hidden razor blades. I felt amazingly good after it... like I'd just taken control over a huge area of my life that was controlling me. WP Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
agama Posted September 6, 2010 Author Report Share Posted September 6, 2010 Maybe this is going to sounds silly but i feel safe if i have something like pills or other things around me,i know this time will come any time... .It's better for me not to eat than eat and keep living all day with toilet in my arms.I can't go to the doctor,i feel ashamed,scared that they will take away what i only have.But the other way i'm scared and i want to be normal,everything is just messed up in my head. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Russell Posted September 6, 2010 Report Share Posted September 6, 2010 Maybe this is going to sounds silly but i feel safe if i have something like pills or other things around me,i know this time will come any time... .It's better for me not to eat than eat and keep living all day with toilet in my arms.I can't go to the doctor,i feel ashamed,scared that they will take away what i only have.But the other way i'm scared and i want to be normal,everything is just messed up in my head. [/quote Hello Agama, I wouldnt be too afraid of going to the drs with regards to your eating....odds are they have dealt with ED related stuff before. I personally believe that Drs/Pdocs may be able to help with finding other ways of coping with tough situations or bad body image etc. Unless youre a really low BMI they are not going to force you into a facility so therefore you dont have anything to lose to at least talk about it. I know from my own experiences with restricted eating that my depression becomes unbearable and everything becomes distorted. Eating disorders tend to be quite secretive in nature but when I spoke to my Pdoc about my Ed there was a sense of relief (a problem shared is a problem halved....or something like that) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
agama Posted September 6, 2010 Author Report Share Posted September 6, 2010 I contacted my therapist today.I feel stupid and useless asking for help others.On thursday appointment,i'm so scared,my BMI 15,is it to low?i hope not. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Russell Posted September 6, 2010 Report Share Posted September 6, 2010 I contacted my therapist today.I feel stupid and useless asking for help others.On thursday appointment,i'm so scared,my BMI 15,is it to low?i hope not. 15 is low but dont let that deter you. You dont need to feel stupid because you are asking for help. At the end of the day they are there to help you and will probably be relieved you have asked for some help. Hope you manage to make it on thursday and please try to keep us posted. :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
agama Posted September 6, 2010 Author Report Share Posted September 6, 2010 Voices in my head,i'm never going to be good enough,i don't thing meeting this lady is good idea...to much is happening.still few days to go. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Russell Posted September 7, 2010 Report Share Posted September 7, 2010 Voices in my head,i'm never going to be good enough,i don't thing meeting this lady is good idea...to much is happening.still few days to go. You probably 'believe' the voices that you will not be good but are they trust worthy voices??? do they praise you for anything else in life (other than weight loss) did they warn you about all the side effects of your eating disorder? can these voices be trusted 100%? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
agama Posted September 7, 2010 Author Report Share Posted September 7, 2010 They want me to dissapear for ever,but i don't really want to do this.Thats maybe the reason i keep fighting for 15 years now.I weighted myself i dropped,one way i'm happy but the other not really.I don't understand why is so hard to make my mind up what i want.The voices don't want me to eat,if i eat i have to throw up,they punish me most of the time if i eat to much,i become very anxiuos about my look,and even after an apple i feel like i'm putting lots of weight:((.I'm so low today...i hate myself like that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Russell Posted September 9, 2010 Report Share Posted September 9, 2010 Hi Agama, I just wanted to encourage you to get along to you appointment today. Remember that you are in control and can say as little or as smuch as you like (or that youre comfortable with) It would be good to get someone elses opinion other than the voices! Stay strong and take care. Russ. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Warrior Princess Posted September 9, 2010 Report Share Posted September 9, 2010 I contacted my therapist today.I feel stupid and useless asking for help others.On thursday appointment,i'm so scared,my BMI 15,is it to low?i hope not. You're not stupid or useless to ask for help. Actually it takes courage and stron will power to ask for help. I know you feel safer with the pills there. I tend to feel safer too when I have something with me to cut with, but truth of the matter is, that we arn't really feeling safe so much as secure in a coping mechanism that is familiar to us. Not necessary good for us though. Trick is finding an alternative coping mechanism that IS safe and feels safe and secure to us but won't harm us. Please give the pills over to someone else and call your crisis team or mental health team hun. Knowing they are on your side may help you feel more secure. My P Doc splits up my meds so that I can only get three days worth at a time. That to me, is safety. WP Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
agama Posted September 11, 2010 Author Report Share Posted September 11, 2010 I thought i'm doing ok...i feel fat and ugly...But i loosing weight,but i'm still fat,i'm so scared i can't stop it,i'm scared what they going to do to me,i want to be better but i don't want them to take it away,because it's me...to much is going on in my head,i have to be strong,i can't give up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bundy117 Posted September 11, 2010 Report Share Posted September 11, 2010 I thought i'm doing ok...i feel fat and ugly...But i loosing weight,but i'm still fat,i'm so scared i can't stop it,i'm scared what they going to do to me,i want to be better but i don't want them to take it away,because it's me...to much is going on in my head,i have to be strong,i can't give up. Last year i went on a low self esteem course. In it the women drew 2 lines down the edge of her board adn then a line at the bottom. she said at one end is the ugliest person in the world at the other the most beautifull. she said where did we think we were on that line. I think we all looked towards the ugly end. She then says acutally we are all there and put a X in the middle and said, we may not be the most beautifull in the world but at the same time we are not the most ugly by any stretch either. We are actually OK as we are. there is nothing wrong with us. We are ok, and its ok to be OK. I think we are all our own worst critics. I think we see ourselves differently to how others see us. And of course we make it worse with how we imagine others see us. So realy we are making up what others think when in reality they dont. I realise its so hard to actually be able to accept ourselves as we are and think we are ok. Im sure you are not fat or ugly. From talking to you, you are a really nice person. So being a nice person is a beautifull quality is it not ? I know you were thinking of seeing your therapist. I hope you can manage to do that. Maybe im nieve about these things to think that professional help can help to give you a better view of yourself. But our opinions on anything can only be altered if we are given an alternative opinion yes ? Look after you and take care x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
agama Posted September 11, 2010 Author Report Share Posted September 11, 2010 Sometimes,maybe more than sometimes i think i can overcome it by myself...i'm still strong and doesn't make any differents if i'm loosing or i'm gaining.I try t be ok,with my habits and my voices.I accepted them,i thought a lot today,i can't faight against my illnes any more,becauseshe is stronger than me anyway.Thank u all for support. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Russell Posted September 15, 2010 Report Share Posted September 15, 2010 Hello agama, I thought I would check back and see how you are doing but also to see whether you made it along to the Drs on that thursday you had an appointment. In the meantime, try to stay strong and be good to yourself. Russ. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
agama Posted September 21, 2010 Author Report Share Posted September 21, 2010 I got my blood results:((((my potassium level is 1,71mmol/l.....They scared me what my happened....i don't want to be on my own:( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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